Penny for your thoughts?

[xlRacerXlx]

As a pseudo emo-child, I wrote a sonnet. Criticize/Praise it please!



I wish only for the sweet Siren's Song
But my lack of hope has thus prevented
Me, Myself from getting but a wink
My life, my soul, thus not contented

I do not yet know of my wrong
I cannot begin to conceive, please think
My life, my soul, utterly free of sin
At fault for none, yet here I sink

And thus I am gone for long
Crushed, like a can made of tin
No longer of use to this world
Good game, that's all - fin

And, with that, I fall fast asleep
Never forgetting of the love held deep

 

[maelstrom troll]

I voted. Now where's my penny?

 

[BabyPiglet]

Good. Now are you going to fed-ex that penny to me?

Nah.




Better than some famous poets I've read

coughcoughOgdenNashcoughcough

 

[CrazyChik]

can i have my penny??
i agree with jenny a lot better than ogden nash

 

[Loves Disney]

I think the message is neat and well planned. I think you did a great job with the message...but as a sonnet, that is very disorderly and it doesn't follow the "scheme" well.

It definitely appears to follow the rhyme scheme of an English/Shakespearean sonnet rather than the Italian sonnet, so I will give you some constructive crisitism there.

You have followed the abab cdcd efef gg scheme, however, you are not supposed to separate each quatrain. They are all blocked together.

Your sonnet lacks Iambic Pentameter right off the bat. Iambic pentameter is the meter held within a sonnet. Stressed and unstressed syllables.

Also, in sonnets there is a rule that you must have at least 10 syllables per line. Your first line has those 10, but then you start subtracting from other lines. There are only two lines in that entire "sonnet" that have 10 syllables and one of them does't even have meter.

The first line in your sonnet that has both meter and the correct number of syllables is "My life, my soul, utterly free of sin". Above that, the lines either do not have meter or do not have the correct number of syllables or lack both. Below that is the same problem. That is the only line in the entire sonnet that follows the structure of a sonnet.

While the message is good, this is a poem. Not a sonnet. Sonnets are very structured and this is not. Your scheme jumps around the entire time. However, you do rhyme. So what I will say is, this is an excellent poem! It really is. It just isn't a sonnet at all.

I mean this VERY respectively!!

 

[Sparx]

This your first poem?

I'm a lyricist. I've written songs/poetry for bands. I've got around 300 pieces.

This is nice. I like it. It has a different feel to it that most people just can't wrap their fingers around. It has almost a clinical feel, if that makes any sense. My poems usually lack words like "there for" and "thus" it gives it a professional feel.

Honestly, if this is your first, amazing. If its not, I'd like to read the rest of your work.

It doesn't follow the rhyme scheme of a sonnet, but its nice anyway.

 

[Babyjustrun]

I know nothing about poetry.
I do not like to associate myself with it, as I cannot understand it most of the time.
But I read this, and it's good. I like it.

 

[life of the party]

ohh emmm geee your awsome!!!

 

[xlRacerXlx]

Thank you for updating me on the sonnet thing, I honestly didn't know. I'm not sure with the meter. I learned about pyrrhics, trochees, iambs, and the such, but I have a hard time "hearing" the beats. That is, I understand the meaning of iambic pentameter, but I cannot "hear" it, or write it.

And, this is my first attempt at anything close to structured. I have written two before this. Both were wondrous successes. The first got me an A in eighth grade, and the second got me a girlfriend. Since then, I have become disinterested, since I have a very right-sided brain - using creativity is tough. I'd rather have math in front of me =)

Thank you all for your responses! I appreciate it!

 

[maelstrom troll]

I'm still waiting for that penny.

 

[PrincessKally]

I think the poem is very good for one of your first sttempts. Granted I couldn't pull together anything half as good as this, but I have recently analyzed enough sonnets to drive me crazy.

I agree with both Caitlin and Shebly, this is not necesssarily a sonnet, moreso a poem. You seem to have attempted to follow the basica sturcture of Shakspearean Sonnet, but again you are lacking the iambic pentameter, which I realize is extremly hard, I cannot tell if its thre w/o actually looking and counting out syllables.
Also in shakespearean sonnets the couplet at the end is referred to as the epigrammtic turn, it is a turning point that offers fresh insight to the reader, which I don't think yours does.
Also I don't necessarily see a consistent Rhyme scheme.
I think it is a very well done poem,But I wouldn't call it a sonnet.

Constructive Criticsm. I am no writer, but I have analyzed them enough to a have good idea about what I'm talking about.

 

[xlRacerXlx]

Your Paypal, Epassporte, or Neteller account? I'll send your penny through one of those. But it'll cost you a $2 transfer fee =P

 

[BabyPiglet]

I'm still waiting for that penny.

Me too. Normally fed-ex arrives faster than this.

 

[xlRacerXlx]

Also in shakespearean sonnets the couplet at the end is referred to as the epigrammtic turn, it is a turning point that offers fresh insight to the reader, which I don't think yours does.

I hoped to show with the final two lines just that turn, where I decide that life truly isn't over. At the start of the poem, I wish for sleep, then I explain why I don't sleep. In the couplet, I fall asleep, no longer wishing. I guess I just didn't write that part well enough, any suggestions? This was the weakest part of my writing, since I didn't know how to conclude it.

 

[PrincessKally]

I hoped to show with the final two lines just that turn, where I decide that life truly isn't over. At the start of the poem, I wish for sleep, then I explain why I don't sleep. In the couplet, I fall asleep, no longer wishing. I guess I just didn't write that part well enough, any suggestions? This was the weakest part of my writing, since I didn't know how to conclude it.

Now that you explain it It makes mroe sense, but I would have never gotten taht out of it. Suggestions...I cannot help you there because as I said i cannot write at all, I can manage essays but poems are not at all my strong suit. Sorry!

 

[Tink-a-boo]

Really Good!!



btw. Whats a pseudo emo-child?..

 

[tinkerbell12]

Really Good!!



btw. Whats a pseudo emo-child?..

**rushes to dictionary.com*

pseudo- a combining form meaning “false,” “pretended,” “unreal,” used in the formation of compound words (pseudoclassic; pseudointellectual): in scientific use, denoting close or deceptive resemblance to the following element (pseudobulb; pseudocarp), and used sometimes in chemical names of isomers (pseudoephedrine).

emo- either extremely emotional; needing emotional help

oooorrr

finding comfort in cutting, bruising, and or harming yourself

child- one's offspring

so a pseudo emo-child is a child who cuts one's self and is pretend?
​

 

[Minnie_Boo]

**rushes to dictionary.com*

pseudo- a combining form meaning “false,” “pretended,” “unreal,” used in the formation of compound words (pseudoclassic; pseudointellectual): in scientific use, denoting close or deceptive resemblance to the following element (pseudobulb; pseudocarp), and used sometimes in chemical names of isomers (pseudoephedrine).

emo- either extremely emotional; needing emotional help

oooorrr

finding comfort in cutting, bruising, and or harming yourself

child- one's offspring

so a pseudo emo-child is a child who cuts one's self and is pretend?
​

nicely said *claps*

I thought it was great tbh. Very well written

 

[Babyjustrun]

Fake
Emo
Kid

 

[tinkerbell12]

Fake
Emo
Kid

Like what I said.