Parents of teens....HELP!!!! (Long)

[mommyto3]

I have a 13 year old daughter. Wednesday she asked if she could go with her friend "Jane" and Jane's parents to the movies on Saturday. They told "jane" that she could invite a couple of friends. I said yes, I know her parents, they would be supervised, ect.... Anyway, last night she is on the phone with "Jane" and tells me, the movie starts at 2:30 so I need to drop her off at Loews a little before that. Excuse me? Drop you off? You told me that "Jane" had INVITED you to the movies. (I assumed either I would be dropping her off at "Jane's" house, or they would pick her up.) So I ask her who is all going. She says, me, "Jane", Samantha, and then she names off about 4 or 5 boys. So I tell her that this is a different situation than I was told the first time so I will need to talk to your Dad. Well, before I have a chance to talk to my husband, my best friend calls. Her daughter and my daughter are also best friends but do not attend the same school. So I say, "I am so mad at "my daughter" and my best friend says, "about the movies?" What? How did you know? Well her daughter had told her that my daughter was all excited because she gets to go to the movies with a bunch of friends BY HER SELF (no adults). So now I am really ticked. My daughter has NOT been totally honest about this situation. Well, of course I can't tell my daughter what I just found out because it would ruin the best friend/mother/daughter/I find out a lot of stuff this way/ situation.(I hope that made sense) So I sit down and talk to my daughter. I ask all these questions and to make a long story short, she did not know that she would have to be dropped off, but she did know that boys would be there but she did not tell me because I would have said no, and "Jane's" mom was going to be there. (Or so she says) So I say to her, my answer is "no" and the reason why is not because boys will be there but because you were dishonest. So she says, " it's because you don't trust me" and storms off to her room. Now for the record, I do trust her. If she would have been up front from the beginning, and told me it was a bunch of kids (including the boys) wanted to meet up at the movies and Jane's mom will be there, then I would have called "Jane's" mom to verify that there would be supervision and then I would have let her go.

So she hasn't spoken to me since then. So, am I being unreasonable? All I want is honesty. Please tell me I am doing the right thing. I hate this... and what's really sad is this is just the beginning. I told my husband last night, I changed my mind, I don't want kids, I don't think I will be able to handle the teenage years. My husband won't be home until Monday (work) but he says he will talk to her. I just want her to understand its all about telling us the truth about what she is doing, and not about the boys being around. Which is kind of ironic, we allow her to do things with the church and school a lot that include the boys and we have never made an issue of that.

Thanks for listening!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

So, am I being unreasonable?

nope.

And I hate to tell you, but it doesn't get any easier. Part of hitting those teenage years is developing an urge to hide things and seperate yourself from Mom and Dad.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

I also have a 13 year old daughter. Mine is allowed to go to the movies with her friends without an adult. But when she wanted to go with a boy, she went with the boy, his father, the father's girlfriend and the boy's younger sister.

ok, different parents have different rules.

but one thing I will not tolerate from my daughter is a lie, or a "fudging" of the truth. I expect to know what the plans are so that I can make the appropriate decision on whether she's allowed to go.

I think you did the right thing.

 

[crz4mm2]

I think you did the right thing too.

Teen years are tough ones.

Don't be so hard on yourself

Cathy

 

[Pooh93]

{{{hugs}}} Being a parent is not easy. Stand your ground. I dread these years and they aren't too far away from us either. My dd's are 8 and 6. I tell them now, that I do not tolerate dishonesty and to always tell the truth. Now, having said that, I know we will hit our bumps in the road. I think I better making standing appointments with my hair dresser for about 5 years, because my hair will not only be turning grey, it will probably be pure white!

 

[crazyme5kids]

I understand your feelings, I also have teens. Your daughter was afraid you would say no. Would you have if you had known the truth?
I've been in your shoes, here is what I did and I found that it worked. I sat my daughter (and son ) down after we both calmed down. I explained that I found out the truth (you don't need to say how) and why I was upset and disappointed. I let them know that in order to be able to do special things I needed to know that they would be truthful about the whole situation. They also were told that if they asked permission to do something and I felt uncomfortable about them going somewhere or doing something we would discuss it. I will hear them out, they will hear my reasons for being uncomfortable. Depending on what they say, I may change my mind and let them go. It all starts with honesty and they know that. If I say no, they also know I have a very good reason for it.
Hopefully this makes some sense to you. I have to say, it seems to work. My kids don't feel like they have to lie about things to get around me. They tell the truth (this was a harder concept for my son to grasp), most of the time I say yes.
Another thing I do if it is something that I will say no to, is to say "Gee I don't know, I'm a little uncomfortable with it. Let me think about it." It just seems to help avoid a fight. They have some warning that it is probably no, but I also am not dismissing something that they want to do right away.
Good luck you're entering into the twilight zone years LOL!

 

[damo]

You have to be careful when a bunch of 13 year olds go together to the movies. People just assume that they are in a safe place but that simply isn't true. Lots of older kids are hanging around and theatres don't provide much protection.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hi I am kinda in the same boat. 12yodd wants to go with her boyfriend to the movies without adult supervision. I tell her a parent must go to.



I let her go with a group for friends skating, dances, etc...but at the mall, with JUST her boyfriend, in the movies, NOPE... I am just not comfortable with that.

I feel your pain!

 

[grinningghost]

Hang in there - my daughter is almost 15 and sometimes things can be frustrating. I think sometimes they feel they're saving us by not giving us ALL the information. I'm finding it's pretty universal. She probably didn't mean to be deceptive - give her another chance.