Parents of multiples: To separate or not to separate?

[DizBelle]

It seems to me that unless they are conjoined twins that cannot be physically separated, there isn't a good reason to keep them together. Note that this is a different statement than both twins having the same teacher because that teacher is best for them.

If they are so dependent on each other that they cannot psychologically handle being separated from each other, well, that is not something that was born into them but was taught. There are lots and lots of kids that don't have a twin that do just fine without one in the classroom. If they can handle it, then a twin could too.

The simple fact of being a twin would not make a child unable to handle school without his/her twin.

 

[Pinkpony]

It seems to me that unless they are conjoined twins that cannot be physically separated, there isn't a good reason to keep them together. Note that this is a different statement than both twins having the same teacher because that teacher is best for them.

If they are so dependent on each other that they cannot psychologically handle being separated from each other, well, that is not something that was born into them but was taught. There are lots and lots of kids that don't have a twin that do just fine without one in the classroom. If they can handle it, then a twin could too.

The simple fact of being a twin would not make a child unable to handle school without his/her twin.

I see your point. I really do. I have an older son that's also on the shy side and didn't have a "twin" to cling to when starting school. I get what you're saying.

However, I don't have to tell anyone that there's a bond there that's different than a sibling. Just from my experience, I think my boys felt as though part of their own being was missing in kindergarten because they were not mature enough yet to understand what they were feeling. It wasn't like, "I miss mommy," or "I miss my brother," it was more like, "Where am I?" It was like a part of themselves was missing for the day.

By the time they were six and in first grade, they were able to understand the separation and actually enjoyed it.

No, it didn't scar them for life being separated at 5 years old. I think they hardly remember it. But it was a rough year for them, me, and, yes, even their teachers, and I think it wouldn't have even been an issue had we waited a year to separate them.

I wouldn't want to re-live that year over for anything unless I had demanded to have them in the same room.

Just my experience, though.

 

[5lilfish]

It seems to me that unless they are conjoined twins that cannot be physically separated, there isn't a good reason to keep them together. Note that this is a different statement than both twins having the same teacher because that teacher is best for them.

If they are so dependent on each other that they cannot psychologically handle being separated from each other, well, that is not something that was born into them but was taught. There are lots and lots of kids that don't have a twin that do just fine without one in the classroom. If they can handle it, then a twin could too.

The simple fact of being a twin would not make a child unable to handle school without his/her twin.

The bond between twins is hard to explain. It's way deeper than a normal sibling bond. I had my first 3 kids in 33 months total. Even with them being as close in age as they were, it is not even close to having twins. I am amazed at how close my twin girls are....even at 2 yrs old and even in a family with 5 kids. If one of them is throwing up, the other is patting her on the back saying, "It's OK." If one of them gets in trouble, they both cry...even if the one is in trouble for hitting the other. The victim still cannot stand to see her sister get in trouble. It's just impossible to understand until you have gone through it.

Breaking that connection, suddenly and in a new enviroment that is scary for most kids, is NOT the same as a child w/o a twin going to school. Technically, that connection IS born into them. They spent 8-9 months together from the moment they were conceived. Trust me, they interacted in the womb. Now, I do think twins need to learn to function without their twin....obviously, once they have the maturity to understand the situation. BUT....Kindergarten has it's own trama attached to it without adding the stress of a forced seperation from your twin (if the parents feel that will be a problem).

Jess

 

[5lilfish]

I see your point. I really do. I have an older son that's also on the shy side and didn't have a "twin" to cling to when starting school. I get what you're saying.

However, I don't have to tell anyone that there's a bond there that's different than a sibling. Just from my experience, I think my boys felt as though part of their own being was missing in kindergarten because they were not mature enough yet to understand what they were feeling. It wasn't like, "I miss mommy," or "I miss my brother," it was more like, "Where am I?" It was like a part of themselves was missing for the day.

By the time they were six and in first grade, they were able to understand the separation and actually enjoyed it.

No, it didn't scar them for life being separated at 5 years old. I think they hardly remember it. But it was a rough year for them, me, and, yes, even their teachers, and I think it wouldn't have even been an issue had we waited a year to separate them.

I wouldn't want to re-live that year over for anything unless I had demanded to have them in the same room.

Just my experience, though.

I'm not sure if this is still true because I haven't tried it lately, but fairly recently if one of my twins looked in a mirror, they would point and say the other twins's name.

Jess

 

[stashbin]

A close friend of mine has triplets. From Kindergarten through 2nd grade they were all together. She started worrying about them having their own identity so she separated them in 3rd and 4th. This meant 3 teachers with 3 sets of homework and 3 different teaching styles. After 2 years of doing this, she put them all in the same 5th grade class. She says that having them all together again is so much easier and less stressful on the triplets. Socially they have their own friends and they don't sit near each other in the classroom, so it works out. Hope this helps.

 

[bookgirl]

In the two years of preschool/daycare, one year of private school pre-kingergarten they were in the same room different tables/activitiy groups.

We didn't have a choice in Kindergarten (same private school) as it's an open concept class with three groups that share one huge area, and rotated between teachers. They were put into seperate groups.

By first grade, now in fourth grade (again same private school) they were seperated into different classrooms, though this school does do grade level planning and they often see each other in activities and do the same lunch/recess time.

They are twins who have never been best buddies gotta be together constantly. In fact they are so completly different personality and physical types that if you didn't know they were twins you wouldn't even peg them as brothers.

We learned early that the best thing in the world was that they were seperated and treated as two completly different people and not as a pair. While one is shier and will let his brother who is a talker answer for him, they prefer being on thier own and making thier own way. They will play together at recess (one is the best reciever to his brother's quarterback in school yard football), but they still want to be able to have time away from each other to explore the world.

 

[Pooh Crew]

I think for many parents of multiples, we would and do choose separation when it is offered as a "choice". When told blindly "we separate all multiples" by someone who is just following a policy put into place because forty years ago twins were treated as a unit and dressed exactly alike right down to their underwear--well, that seems a little unfair. Just like each child is unique and that child's needs are unique, each set of twins (and other multiples) needs are unique too and can't be met with a mandatory blanket rule of separation. Parents and teachers should work together to determine what is in the best interest of each of the children.

For us, we had two other children, too, so being a triplet is not a factor in my children's lives at all. They aren't dressed alike, and they aren't treated as a unit. I want the best for them as individuals--just like I do for my other singleton children. I want the best teacher for each of my children--regardless of whether or not a sibling is in that class. If two of my three need the strong math teacher, I want them both to have the strong math teacher!

As for the twins are different discussion, my grandmother was an identical twin. She and her sister lived an hour apart and shopped in separate cities, but often still showed up in the same identical outfit. They also tended to feel pain when the other had broken bones, etc...and this was as adults, not children. My girls are not identical, but frequently speak in unison--which is pretty freaky quite honestly!

 

[bigbabyblues]

I am a twin, and I always hated being in the same class as my brother. After first grade, they made sure to separate us in second and third, and it was better for both of us. We ended up in the same fourth grade class and it wasn't so good. One of us had an easier time academically and got better grades, etc., and that made it harder on the other one.

 

[stm61]

I have dd's who just turned 11. They are not identical and really didn't even resemble each other that closely when they were younger. They started special needs preschool at 3, the district preferred them seperated but left it to the parents to decide. We felt they would do better seperate because we wanted them to be their own persons. I didn't want them referred to as "the x twins" constantly or compared to each other. That still happened lol, just not as much as it would have if they were in the same room. One twin also more dependent on the other and they were both on the shy side so we were hoping forcing them to be independent would help. For 5k I wanted them kept in special services, because it was full-day vs. the regular ed 1/2 day program, and they had to be together because there was only 1 class appropriate for them. They HATED it! Most of the kids came from twin 1's preschool class and she resented twin 2 having to share them. Twin 2 was quicker to catch on to things and progressed faster so she got to leave for inclusion before twin 1, which led to "when am I gonna go?" constantly, even if she really didn't want to go. Twin 1 is bigger, which led to "did she get held back?" questions because they were constantly together. It just was not a good placement for either of them. They were seperated again in 1st grade and will never be together unless the school computer does it in hs or jr hs. We still have the problem of people assuming twin 1 was held back (she's now 10 lbs and about 4" bigger), but it's not an immediate question since their classes are only together for lunch, and then each class has to eat together.

 

[dollarmite]

and they said they kept them together so that one twin could be there to help their learning disabled sibling.

That was really, really, unfair to the non-learning disabled twin.