Parents of middle schoolers- Does it get worse?

[TimeforMe]

It's interesting reading the responses because, of course, going by the individual's experience you will get a different response. I currently have an 8th grader (son) and 10th grader (daughter). Fortunately, neither of my kids have had a difficult time in middle school. But I do know some that have. DD's ms years got progressively better as she found her "niche" and I think high school has been even better as there are so many different types of kids and less cliques that she hasn't pidgeon-holed herself into being friends with any one group of kids (although she has her "best" friends).

Adolescence is a time when they really try to find themselves and even though both of my kids have remained relatively unscathed, they have struggled within themselves. I try to remind them to "remember who you are". Keep talking--that's a good thing. Encourage them to bring friends home and involve them in activitiesd--these all help.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by Amy
my DS said he'll put up with shots every single week if that's what it takes to get him to grow.

It's every night, given by YOU or he can do it himself!.... .

My 13yodd is in 7th and LOVING IT!!! She sets her alarm at 5:30am to make sure she gets that bus.
She has a thick skin and loves all the crapola that goes on.
She HATED elementary school and has found her niche.

 

[Kallison]

I work with 7th graders and I believe it gets worst in middle school then they start to mature somewhat in High school. My oldest started feeling jilted by the popular kids around 4th grade, he wasn't good at sports. He has three very good friends and he is always out with them. My two youngest are part of the "in" crowd and they have many more social problems. I much prefer that they have a few loyal friends and not the flavor of the week. My oldest is just happy go lucky, he doesn't worry about that stuff. He seems much happier.

 

[Pete's Mom]

My home life was horrific. We lived in a very small town and I was pretty much abused and neglected my whole life by my mom. Everyone knew. What made it worse was that I was constantly picked on all through school. One particular girl stands out in my mind. I will never forget her name. She was just a very mean person who took joy in hurting others. She made fun of me, deliberately sought me out and taunted me for no reason whatsoever. I used to "hide" between classes to avoid her. It was an incredibly painful time for me. I can remember crying and wishing I didn't have to go to school but knew staying at home was just as bad. Many, many times I thought of just ending my life. Somehow I made it through high school, and I moved away and never went back. I have not seen or spoken with my mother in 15 years. She has no idea where I am. As for my hometown, I haven't been there in 15 years either. The thought of going back makes me physically ill.

Last year, I posted in a thread where I grew up. I got a nice friendly PM for a DISboard member telling me that she thought we went to the same high school. She told me her maiden name and asked mine. Guess who it was?

It really shook me up. I never replied back. I wanted too. I wanted to tell her just how bad she hurt me, how much pain she caused me, how it affected my life, and how now, even after 17 years it still hurts. But I never did.

I worry about this constantly with Pete. I never want him to go through what I went through in school. So far, he is great, all his classmates like him because he is so laid back and easy going. I do ask him quietly, from time to time, if anyone is giving him a hard time at school. I don't want him to be afraid to tell me. Most importantly, I have taught him to be kind to others and never to pick on anyone and to stand up for his fellow classmates. He is a very popular kid, but still I worry.

 

[sharbear]

Hugs Pete's Mom. I had a loving family but I know what it was like to be picked on.

The best thing I ever did was go to one of my HS reunions. I was scared but I had my DH there with me. You know what, I was so glad I went. The people weren't as scarey, they grew up, I grew up and I was no longer afraid. They were really nice. And I had a much better life than many of them. I had a great life and they were jealous of me! ME! I remember one of the popular girls, you know the one, cheerleader, class officer, smart, married her HS boyfriend. Her boyfriend went to college in the town that I live in now. She asked where I live and a told her the neighborhood, she was in awe that I lived in such a nice area and in such a great house.

I don't want to be friends with these people but I put to rest a lot of demons.

My daughter has a friend whose mother has problems. When she was younger she would go to school dirty, no winter coat, etc. It was so sad. It was also sad how the mom's acted. Really bad. This little girl has turned into one of the nicest, most caring people I know and I'm glad my DD is her friend.

 

[RitaZ.]

Pete's mom~ {{{hugs}}} to you. I know it took a lot of courage for you to share that with us. You come across in your posts as a funny and cheerful person.

Last year, I posted in a thread where I grew up. I got a nice friendly PM for a DISboard member telling me that she thought we went to the same high school. She told me her maiden name and asked mine. Guess who it was?

Wow! What are the chances of something like that happening?

I didn't have these problems when I was in school, I didn't let kids get to me. My DH was picked on mercilessly by bullies. Some of his teachers didn't help with the problem, but added to it. DH is 38 and he still remembers the time his 5th grade teacher made a drawing of him on the blackboard. She drew donkey ears on him and huge buck teeth and then proceeded to make fun of it and him in front of the whole class. Now, that's the way to set an example for the students.

I think that as long as kids do have some loyal friends and have a "soft place" to fall on and decompress, they will be fine.

 

[Barb D]

Hoo, boy, y'all are scaring me. My big kids (12yo DS and 10yo DD)will be going to public school (middle school) for the first time next year. They've always been homeschooled. Both of them are the kind, gentle type. Both are big for their ages, and I don't know if that will make them more of a target or not. (DS is 5'10" and DD is 5'4"). DD currently goes to a 2-day-a-week school for homeschoolers, and even there has noticed that she doesn't really fit in with the other 5th graders. They want to talk about clothes and boys, and she's not interested yet.

Maybe some of you can give me tips to share with my kids on how NOT to be targeted by bullies, or what to do if they are.

If it gets TOO bad I'll just pull them out and continue homeschooling them. I'll be working full time, but with Grandma's help we can do it if we need to.

 

[BrerMom]

Originally posted by Barb D
Maybe some of you can give me tips to share with my kids on how NOT to be targeted by bullies, or what to do if they are.

The kids that seem the most likely to be picked on are the ones that slowly walk down the hall slumped over. If a kid can walk down a hall with good posture and a "confident" gait, they're less likely to attract attention from bullies. Once one bully labels them a victim, it's work to go back to "neutral."

Will your school have hall monitors? And do they actually monitor things or just make sure nobody's hitting anybody? I've seen monitors make a HUGE difference. Just that adult presence can prevent some of the teasing.

 

[kpgclark]

Hugs to you Pete's Mom. What a sad story.

 

[BrerMom]

These sites seemed to have info that could help:

http://www.bullybeware.com/

http://www.stopbullyingnow.com/links.htm

And from http://www.lfcc.on.ca/bully.htm:

Who Becomes a Victim?
Children who become repeated victims of aggression, and bullying, tend to be quiet and shy in temperament. They tend not to retaliate or make any assertive responses to the initial aggression, which is then repeated by the bully. Children who become victims typically lack friends and social support at school, and they are often not confident in their physical abilities and strength.

While most victims do not do anything to provoke the victimization, there is a subgroup of victims who tend to show irritating and inappropriate social behaviour. These children tend to be impulsive and have poor social skills. These "provocative victims" may also try to bully other children, so they are both bully and victim (Olweus, 1993).

I've also learned that a certain amount of teasing between kids is ok IF they are on the same level. If there is a power imbalance between the two, then the same conversation could be interpreted as bullying.

 

[swanmom]

I'd like to recommend a book that is tremendously helpful to parents of girls this age dealing with these issues. It's called
"Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping your daughter with cliques, gossip, boyfriends and other realities of adolescence."

Exceptionally well-written, practical and tuned into what girls this age are facing.

Here's a link to the book on Amazon.


http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1400047927/103-1852243-9646205?v=glance

 

[BrerMom]

Thanks, swanmom. I checked on-line (LOVE that option) and our library has this available. I think I'll go check out a copy.

 

[janette]

My 12 yo DD is in 6th grade and has done fine, she isnt' that shy and has a good circle of friends. She has told me that there are kids that the "popular" ones won't even talk to. Bullying is closely monitered but I guess they do still get their point across. She isn't really friends with the ones considered most popular but they do talk to her, sounds like she's pretty much in the middle group and will continue to do fine. She loves to dress in the latest fashions and is also in the advanced programs so I'm sure that helps some. There were a few years in elementary that she had problems with some kids but that's it.

My 9yo DD might have a few more problems but it's too soon to tell, she's pretty emotional and has a learning disability and that can sometimes get unwarrented attention.

Did anyone see the Oprah show on this subject? They took some kids that bullied others and put them in a new school with a make over. They were then the target and they were horrified to be on the receiving end of the teasing etc. It really seemed to open their eyes to what it felt like. They all struggled to make it through the day and said it changed the way they acted to others.

 

[Flyfly_Eclipse]

I had it "okay" in 6th grade...but 7th grade was the WORST...of course, that's when most girls turn into brats, and would likely end lifelong friendships...not sure about boys though. But anyway, 8th grade was better. We all focused on getting into high school, and everything.

So far, high school is decent (I'm a sophomore), however, my cousin is the same age as I...and he had kids beating him up throughout high school. He ended up dropping out because of it. Just found this out last weekend. It's different for everybody. Hope his situation doesn't turn into my cousin's.