Parents of 16 year olds...how involved are you?

[westjones]

My twin daughters turned 16 last month. I am trying to figure out where the line is for my involvement in their personal lives versus their privacy.

So I am wondering how involved are other parents.

In the past, I have had to meet their friends before they can hang out, and I have also had to meet parents of boys if they were going to be "going out" (which in my day meant "going together" as in being a couple).

But as they get older it is getting harder and harder to do that.

Also, I have done a lot of monitoring of their online conversations and text messages. There have been some bad things come up on the part of others (like boys trying to "talk" to them in a bad way), but every time, both of my girls have shot them down and ended the conversation. I have never found them joining in anything bad (and BTW, they don't know I monitor them, so that isn't the reason they don't do it).

Basically, they are both good girls. They tell me about stuff other kids do, so I know a lot of junk that goes on at the school.....oh and they would have NO problem informing on each other, so if one heard something about the other sister they would tell me.

In the past, if they have friends that they send a lot of time with and hang out with, I have added them to my Facebook so I can see more of what is going on with them.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Now they are 16 and have matured a lot, not violated my trust ever, I have found nothing bad on their parts (only on the part of others) in my monitoring.

Do I back off more? What are the rest of you doing. I am really struggling with this and where to draw the line. I want to let them go because I was thinking they need to figure out their own choices and learn from their mistakes (but at least now, they are still home with me and if they run into a problem I am here to help them through it).....or do I wait until they are in college and let go then?

Thanks

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, I don't read dd13's emails, and she has yet to add me (and my mom) as her friend on Facebook (but she will). She has friends I haven't met yet. She know that if I want to read her email and her text messages, for whatever reason, I will ask her. We're raising adults, not children, and sometimes we need to give them enough rope to hang themselves. They will make mistakes, but hopefully they won't be serious mistakes.

I think it's time to loosen up the apron strings.

 

[westjones]

Sometimes it seems like life was easier before technology.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My twin daughters turned 16 last month. I am trying to figure out where the line is for my involvement in their personal lives versus their privacy.

So I am wondering how involved are other parents.

In the past, I have had to meet their friends before they can hang out, and I have also had to meet parents of boys if they were going to be "going out" (which in my day meant "going together" as in being a couple).

But as they get older it is getting harder and harder to do that.

Also, I have done a lot of monitoring of their online conversations and text messages. There have been some bad things come up on the part of others (like boys trying to "talk" to them in a bad way), but every time, both of my girls have shot them down and ended the conversation. I have never found them joining in anything bad (and BTW, they don't know I monitor them, so that isn't the reason they don't do it).

Basically, they are both good girls. They tell me about stuff other kids do, so I know a lot of junk that goes on at the school.....oh and they would have NO problem informing on each other, so if one heard something about the other sister they would tell me.

In the past, if they have friends that they send a lot of time with and hang out with, I have added them to my Facebook so I can see more of what is going on with them.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Now they are 16 and have matured a lot, not violated my trust ever, I have found nothing bad on their parts (only on the part of others) in my monitoring.

Do I back off more? What are the rest of you doing. I am really struggling with this and where to draw the line. I want to let them go because I was thinking they need to figure out their own choices and learn from their mistakes (but at least now, they are still home with me and if they run into a problem I am here to help them through it).....or do I wait until they are in college and let go then?

Thanks

My oldest is 18 and in college. My youngest is 13 and in 7th. I have never done any of the stuff you do.

If I went by your criteria my 13yodd would have to drop one of her new friends right now.

As far as the electronic stuff, if there is a problem I am taking it away. I have no desire to monitor all that stuff.

I am not on Facebook and no desire to get on it right now. My oldest is on it. My youngest is not allowed.

 

[RitaE]

I have a 16yo but he is my easy kid.
He goes to a small school so I've known all of his friends for years already, no need for introductions. I know their parents too. He hasn't dated yet. He told me last weekend he was thinking of asking a girl out but when I asked him about it Friday night I just got glared at. So either she said get lost or he didn't get up the nerve.

I have the ability to monitor his laptop, but I hardly ever do. He watches YouTube clips and has stupid conversations with his buddies Phillip and Chris. There is nothing worth seeing. He has a cell phone. He makes about 25 texts a month and uses maybe 50 minutes total.

Now his older brother who is now 19years old and at college... I had to stay on that kid like white on rice. Our battles were legendary and if I had the money I'd still be in therapy trying to recover.

I'm so glad to have gotten an easy one this time around.

 

[johnsontrio]

I have an only child, DD 15. She is a JR in high school and goes to an all girls Catholic college prep school. Since she is only driving on a permit at this point, and the kids don't live in our neighborhood, ride arrangements must be made for all activities. We also have a policy that we must know the kids that she is going somewhere with. If she and a friend are meeting other people, I do not have to know them all, just someone in the group. She is now allowed to go to parties at homes of people that we do not know personally. She has earned that privilege through showing good judgement in similar situations.

We do not allow her to ride with teenage drivers. She has 2 17yo twin friends that we have known for years, vacation with us, etc... She is allowed to ride with them because I know them well and know how responsible they are. Not allowing her to ride with just anyone eliminates much of the discussion about who, why and where. We are happy to drop her off to meet people or have them over here.

She knows that there is no privacy in this house. That said, we do not check up on her often. Occasionally, I will ask to see her Facebook or her text messaging. She shows it to me without any conflict. I also find that some boys get vulgar very quickly; they call it "sexting". Anytime I have seen it she just has ignored it and they get the message. Boys will also ask her how far she has gone with a boy? does she drink? does she party? She is upfront with them that she is a good girl, does her school work, takes her sport seriously and doesn't drink/smoke or dope. Most of them don't hang around long. I have come to the conclusion that she is more likely to bring them up than any chance of them bringing her down.

She wants a boyfriend in the worst kind of way but wants Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now. Our next door neighbor has set the bar high because she has been dating Mr. All-American Nice Guy for 7 years now since they were sophomores in HS. DD wants a kind, respectful, caring, motivated BF. I'm not too worried because they would have to walk on water for her to be happy and for them to be around very long. She tells them they have to meet us first before they can go out. Haven't met one yet.

She also is very open with me, most likely due to the fact that she has no siblings to share anything with. I call her my "little court reporter" because I hear all about what happened at school, on the swim team and in general she is very comfortable coming to me for support, advice etc.. I am just beginning to relax and trust her judgement. We are considering moving up her privileged to drive on her own. We don't have a curfew and consider everything on a case by case basis. It's not like she can go anywhere without us knowing the plan anyway.

Not sure what things you would consider relaxing. What did you have in mind? I think you can give them more freedom but still be vigilant about what is going on. I personally know 3 people that lost their children to drug overdoses. 2 of them had no clue their child was even using. I remind myself of that every time I feel bad about controlling too much. I would not want to ever have to think I could have done more, paid more attention etc... She knows we love her and she respects the job we do as her parents.

 

[ilovejack02]

I have a 20 yr old son and we backed way off about the age of 16. THis is a time to start making your own decisions etc. I had access to all of his accounts on the computer, but quit checking up unless I thought something major was going on.. and really nothing ever did happen. I also knew alot of his friends parents and from time to time checked in with them, if he was spending the weekend away. I really didnt let him stay with people I didnt know until he was 17.

If the girls have good grades and so far have made good choices in life, it is time to let go.

Keep the lines of communication open .. be the mom that encourages them to have the friends over, make your home a teenage friendly zone and be confident in the way you have raised them.. sounds like ya have some good girls!
Kids will be kids, they need to learn from their mistakes and you need to let them have that chance.

I dont mean just let go completely, but I think it is ok to stop monitoring all their emails etc.. but if you feel something is off by all means check it all out. Of course keep all the rules regarding teenage driving, curfew etc.

 

[disykat]

I have a 16 almost 17 yo and a 14 yo. I have access to pretty much anything they have. They just now joined facebook and I'm one of their friends. 16 is the age for cell phone at our house and I've never felt the need to check messages etc. on it. If my 14 year old had one I probably would.

Their email accounts are on the family account so I have the ability to switch to their identity and look, but I rarely do. I don't think they worry about it - but I could be kidding myself. They could easily have email addresses I don't know about.

Now that my 16 year old is driving, he has friends I don't know because he drives himself. I think he has been pleasantly surprised when asking to go out and I just let him. I usually do ask if there will be adults there if he's going to a party and remind him about using good judgement if he gets there and there is drinking etc. He hangs out with a pretty conservative crowd, so there haven't been issues - lots of parental presence. My 14 year old doesn't really have opportunities for me not to know his friends because parents are still involved in the transportation. His friends tend to be more rowdy and have less parental supervision, so I'm not looking forward to the time when I need to let him go out the door with only his judgement!

My 16 yo has a girlfriend that he sees regularly, but I know her. She comes to our house for dinner sometimes and he goes to hers, I have talked with her parents and we have common rules/expectations. Her parents don't want him driving her so that hasn't been an issue. My 14 yo has had "girlfriends" at school, but since they don't do anything outside of school I haven't been involved. I will admit to looking them up in his old yearbooks, etc.!

For me, 16 is a big transition age where I give more freedom. I am pretty careful because my oldest is a huge rule follower and could have handled more freedom earlier but his little brother (who is not a rule follower) is watching. I don't want to set a precidence (can't spell it and I'm too lazy to look it up - sorry!)

 

[Planogirl]

I give my 16 year old boy plenty of freedom but he rarely even uses it. He gets along well with me and DH and doesn't mind being seen with me under the right circumstances. He's a lot different from me.

I don't monitor internet usage. That threat is there but I've had no reason to follow through.

 

[::Snow_White::]

My mom actually isn't all that involved with my personal life at all. She knows my friends but she's never hung around them for more than about 10 minutes. She doesn't read (At least I don't think she does) my texts (I hate texting anyways), my IMs, my emails and I don't have facebook or anything. I don't date yet and I'm really wrapped up in school that there isn't much time for much else. I don't do anything I'm not suppose to so I'm pretty free, and I love it. My friends and I are very good students and never do anything bad and I usually can go out with them as long as I keep my phone on me. I can ride with my friends as long as she knows who they are and I trust them.

 

[PatsGirl]

Roots and wings, and this is the "wings" part I'd say 16/junior in high school is a really good time to start letting go so that by that time she graduates she will be ready to go off on her own.

 

[eliza61]

Sometimes it seems like life was easier before technology.

I do too.
Op my situation is a little different. I have 2 teenage sons and they go to school in the city. I monitor just about every thing I can simply because the alternative is just to bad. I know that makes me paranoid.

The one computer we have is in the kitchen where it is accessable and easy to see. My oldest son was just allowed facebook at 17 and I do check out his page and to see who his friends are. I don't check his text's but I have been known to ask who they are texting. I try to do it on a low key type of thing. And they aren't allow to just say "out" when I ask where are you going. My youngest who will be 16 this Thanksgiving still is not allowed over friends houses whom I have not met.

Email accounts are family accounts where any body can access.

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

I think you're doing the right thing. Keep on. If kids are doing the right thing, it should not matter to them that mom/dad are watching...