Parents, I need your opinion

[RitaZ.]

My 11 yr. old son was invited to a sleepover party. My problem is that I don't know the boy or his family, don't even know what they look like. This is the first year that DS and the boy have been in the same class. DS really wants to go. Since we don't know the family, we are not crazy about the idea.

I grew up in a culture where sleepovers were not the norm. I did go to sleepovers when I was a teen at my best friend's house, but our parents knew each other well. DH says that he went to sleepovers when he was young, but only with families that he and his mother knew. Again, DS really wants to go to the boy's party. I know that the decision is ultimately ours, but I'm curious as to what others would do.

Why can't we get a manual on how to handle these things?

 

[mickeyboat]

When is the sleepover? Who else is going? Would it be possible to meet the parents before-hand? Do you know any of the parents of the other boys who will be going? Maybe they can give you some insight about the parents and the home.

Denae

 

[Hannathy]

I would let him go. My DD attended many sleepovers around 11 or 12 at girls in her class that I had never met or even knew where they lived. She was in a class for the gifted that pulled kids from all over the district. As long as other girls were going I let her go and never had a problem. As they get older they tend to make friends from a wider circle and you can't know them all.

 

[ptrbryant]

There's just too much weirdness out there for me to let my DS to sleep at, basically, a stranger's house. Sure, the boy is in his class, but the parents are, according to your post, in fact strangers. What I've done in similar situations is simply say that we don't do sleepovers, but DS can stay until the rest of the boys get ready for bed, then we come and pick him up. It may not make you popular, but for us, it's the right thing to do.

Karla B.

 

[twoprincesses]

With how the world is today, I would not let my kids go if I didn't know the parents. Maybe I'm just a "mean mommy" like my DD often says... but hey, better safe then sorry. Maybe you can compromise... Meet the parents and ask to stay awhile, then let DS stay really late as opposed to sleeping over. I'm sure the parents will understand that your not too comfortable with him sleeping over.

 

[AKLRULZ]

We don't permit our children to sleepover at other people's homes until we get to know them better. Kids are always welcome at our home (and it's surprising how many parents permit their kids to sleepover at a "stranger's home), but we're pretty firm on the rule. We don't cave to the pull of society. If that makes us jerks then so be it - it's how we grew up and I'm not going to risk my kid's safety or exposure to things they have no busines being exposed to.

Maybe give the other mom/dad a call and get to know them or invite the kid over to play before the sleepover.

 

[dzneelvr]

We learned the lesson the hard way many years ago. Not only isn't it a good idea with "unknowns", it isn't a slam-dunk with "knowns". Case in point, my DD stayed with a friend and to her dismay, the dad was pretty harsh, swore alot, and generally frightened DD. Needless to say, she never asked to stay over again unless we knew all of the family members. We live in a different world today, and I simply would not entrust my child's safety and well-being with people I didn't know. Tell your DS that you can offer an alternative and have the friend over for a play day or field trip like a movie together. Be honest and say that until you feel comfortable with the family, neither you nor he know what he could be getting into. Your DS should be mature enough to understand and accept that.

 

[Christine]

Well, I have had to take this "leap of faith" a few times.

My son is a pretty good judge of whether or not he is comfortable with a person and he usually picks good friends, so if *he* feels comfortable going, then I feel a bit better.

Since I am one of those working parents and we attend a private school, I rarely get to meet any of the parents. The kids don't live in our neighborhood, so I don't get to meet them either.

When my son first started at this school (my DD had been there a few years), he was invited to his first-ever sleepover (he was in 4th grade). The school nurse was the mom of the boy having the party. I didn't know her at all--just that she was the school nurse and I had talked to her a few times regarding school issues.

I called the mom and talked to her about my concerns, what they would be doing, how many boys would be there, what their house rules were, etc. I felt a lot better. And, in the meantime, I got to know someone and now have a better relationship with the school nurse!!

Your son is now 11 (same age as mine) and maybe can tell you a bit about this boy? Plus, I think you should just get on the phone and talk to the parents. It might really set your mind at ease.

 

[RitaZ.]

When is the sleepover? Who else is going? Would it be possible to meet the parents before-hand? Do you know any of the parents of the other boys who will be going? Maybe they can give you some insight about the parents and the home.

Denae

It's this weekend. There is another boy that I know (also know his grandmother) that will be going. He is a really nice kid, DS has known him for years. That's the one fact that's causing us to debate the issue. I also thought about just letting DS stay until it's time for sleep, then I'd pick him up. DS really wants to spend the night...

Where the heck is that manual????

 

[tiggersmom2]

It's this weekend. There is another boy that I know (also know his grandmother) that will be going. He is a really nice kid, DS has known him for years. That's the one fact that's causing us to debate the issue. I also thought about just letting DS stay until it's time for sleep, then I'd pick him up. DS really wants to spend the night...

Where the heck is that manual????

That is what I would do. I don't let my children do overnights unless I know the parents well.

 

[Keli]

A couple of factors would come into play for me here. How many boys are going? Do you know them and their families well? I guess I'm thinking if this boy is basically the new kid and your ds will be with friends that he knows well I might be willing to call the mom, talk to her for a while and see how I feel about it then.

 

[RitaZ.]

Well, I have had to take this "leap of faith" a few times.

Christine, that's exactly what it is.

 

[golfgal]

It's this weekend. There is another boy that I know (also know his grandmother) that will be going. He is a really nice kid, DS has known him for years. That's the one fact that's causing us to debate the issue. I also thought about just letting DS stay until it's time for sleep, then I'd pick him up. DS really wants to spend the night...

Where the heck is that manual????

We are in this situation for the first time ever and it is hard. DS11 has been invited to 2 sleepovers with kids we don't know, which is everyone in their class right now. I told DS that if I met the parents and didn't like them, no sleepover but he could go until 10:00PM. He was also told to take his cell phone and if anything felt weird to him to call us, even if it was 2 in the morning and just say he felt sick and wanted to come home. He was fine in both situations so that was good. It is very hard but you have to trust your judgement and his.

 

[RitaZ.]

A couple of factors would come into play for me here. How many boys are going? Do you know them and their families well?

Keli, I asked DS that question. So far, besides the birthday boy, it's only 2. I know one of the boys and his grandmother, they've come to our parties in the past. They seem like nice people and very involved with the boy.

At this point, I'm strongly leaning toward letting DS go until it's time for sleep.

 

[JunieJay]

Well I let my 11 year old go to a sleepover last weekend when I didn't know the parents, and I'm sorry I did. The mother never mentioned to me that another boy was sleeping over, a boy who is two years older than her son and mine. That really was disturbing to me. He eventually told me (when I recognized something was wrong) that the boy had mentioned being in a "gang". Now I doubt this boy is actually IN a gang, he was probably just talking big, but I really have no way of knowing for sure. And I'm irritated that she didn't inform me the other boy was sleeping over too. I did not speak directly with her about it, but did tell my son there would be no more sleepovers at this boy's house.

Go with your gut, Rita. Your child is your most precious commodity.

 

[CEDmom]

Here's an idea that would allow your DS to participate somewhat w/o you worrying all night (which is what I would do). Call the mom and explain that you have some family committment early the next day (a christening is always a good excuse). Ask if your DS could come until 10pm or so and then you'll pick him up so he can get some sleep.

For what it's worth I wouldn't let my child go to a sleep over if I didn't know the parents at all.

 

[RitaZ.]

Go with your gut, Rita.

Junie, my gut is saying NO!!!

To me, letting DS stay with this family is no different than letting him stay with a randomly chosen stranger. The only link here is that DS knows the boy, that's all.

Thanks for sharing all the stories and opinions, it definitely helps to put the facts in perspective.

 

[RitaZ.]

Here's an idea that would allow your DS to participate somewhat w/o you worrying all night (which is what I would do). Call the mom and explain that you have some family committment early the next day (a christening is always a good excuse). Ask if your DS could come until 10pm or so and then you'll pick him up so he can get some sleep.

For what it's worth I wouldn't let my child go to a sleep over if I didn't know the parents at all.

Actually, we do have a commitment Saturday morning, so I wouldn't have to come up with an excuse.

 

[shirleyb]

When DD was in first grade, the subject came up, for a birthday party, and I had never met the people. I let her go to the party, but picked her up at 9 pm, which is what another mother did too. Everyone else let their daughter spend the night. Once I got to know them, DD did spend the night there a few times.

For an 11 yo boy, I'd be more tempted to let him go. What I would probably do is call the teacher and ask his/her opinion -- has he/she had any dealings with the parents to be able to recommend. Even if the teacher didn't want to answer, you might be able to infer something from his/her reaction.

 

[PaulaSue]

If it was me, If my DC wanted too go I would send them with my cell if their was any trouble so they could call and I could call to check too.