Parents, I need some advice...

[RitaZ.]

This is probably going to be long, but here it goes...

My older DS has 2 friends (they're twins) who are the same age as he, 11 yrs. old. Actually, DS initially was only friends with one of them, the other brother started visiting our home as a package deal. We have had problems in the past with the boys when they have visited our home. They have talked back to me and DH and have denied it when I confronted them in front of their mother about it. I addressed these problems with her, but I'm not sure how effective it was. At first, she appears to be very upset and says that the boys are in big trouble, but then ends up taking their side.

My older son moved to a different school this year, but my younger DS (7) still attends the "old" school. Last month, the boys' mom asked me if I could pick up the boys for the remainder of the school year. They used to attend After School Care, but for whatever reason aren't anymore. I agreed to do it, as my younger DS attends the same school as the twins, so it's not a big problem for me.

On with the problem... The twins don't like my DS#2, they go out of their way to make sure that he and everyone else knows this. I had to go as far as to tell them that if they can't treat DS#2 with kindness, they can't visit. They have called my DS names, tell him to shut-up, that his drawings are stupid... I put a stop to this as soon as it happened, but now they do it while DS and they wait for me to pick them up at school. When I confront them with it, they deny it. These things may sound trivial, but the truth is that if any of my kids were to do this to another child, I wouldn't tolerate it! I don't tolerate bullying from my kids.

Frankly, I'm really beginning to regret agreeing to do this for their mom. Last week, one of the twins began by telling me "Don't take this the wrong way, but your DS is obnoxious". I replied to this by asking him how he would feel if someone said those things about him. This kid is confrontational for an 11 yr. old and told me that he wouldn't care! Not true, he is the type that can dish it out, but can't take it. I have been handling these problems as they come up, but I'm starting to get ticked. Today, one of the twins handed my older DS a lollipop as he got in the van, my younger DS and DD didn't notice it. Next thing, I hear the same twin asking my older DS loudly, if he got the lollipop that he had just given him. DUH! As soon as DS and DD heard this, they wanted to have one. The boys had four, but wouldn't give any to them. I told my kids that they'll get a snack when we go home, but you know... they wanted a lollipop!!!! I asked my older DS for the lollipop and wrapped it in a tissue to throw it away when I got home. Then I told the twins that if they couldn't share lollipops with everyone, not to give any out. Now, all this is going on while I'm driving!!! My biggest concern is all the distraction while I'm driving a van with 5 kids!

Frankly, I have had it! I told the boys that I was going to speak to their mother. The thing is that I don't know what to say to her... My first reaction is to tell her that I won't be picking up the twins anymore, but I want to help her out. I also don't want my older DS to lose his friend. Even if I decide to continue to do this, I don't know that she'll take what I have to say in a good way. She tends to believe what the boys say, she does the same thing when teachers complain about them (that's what she has told me). Maybe I'm being a wimp? What is the best way to handle this?

I really have to say something to their mom... I want to do it in a tactful way.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My kids last day of school was today. YEA! So how much longer do you have to put up with this crud?

 

[RitaZ.]

TMM, until next Tuesday! I don't know if I can last that long...

 

[ebaynut31]

That is a lousy situation. I would discuss this with the mom, dad (if there is one present) and the boys at the same time. Your kids will probably get the brunt of it at school but you have to do what is right for you and your children. I've learned the hard way myself. It is nice to want to help people when they need it but I will NEVER ever again help someone who has no respect for me or my child.

There are nice people in this world (like you) who are willing to help as much as possible. Thank goodness for you. But the nice people seem to be taken advantage of at times.

Good luck and much pixie dust to you. Let us know what happens ok? You can pm me if you need to. I have a similar situation with my dd's friend that is a boy and his mother keeps pushing his older brother on me when we do stuff. Very annoying!

 

[Serena]

Tell her you are sorry, but it's not working out and she needs to make other arrangements.
If she demands an explanation, you can either tell her a little bit about the children not getting along, about her children not sharing, but usually that does no good.
Maybe you could say that you'd rather not discuss what the problem is. It's not as if she's listened before, I doubt she'd listen this time.

 

[mtemm]

I would talk to the mom and tell her its just not working out for you. You don't have to elaborate, you can leave it at that if you want, or you can go further and tell her that it has become distracting/possibly dangerous (since you are driving) that the kids do not get along/whatever. Ephasize that you hope your ds and his friend will remain friends, (if that is what you and he want), but next year she will have to make other arrangements.

If you are only doing this for another week, I would offer to stick it out if she is in a bind.

What a pain! Sorry this is happening.

 

[Trinity721]

I'm afraid I don't have the experience to answer your question, since DD is only 10 months old. My friend was in a similar situation with her daughters and a rude playmate, who made it clear she didn't like the younger daughter.

But anyways, I'll try to help you out with some advice as best as I can... I agree with the last poster who suggested to tell her it's just not working out. And tell her it's not that you don't want to help her out, but that you just cannot tolerate her children being disrespectful to you, your husband and your children. I think it's up to her whether she believes you or not, I mean why would you have any reason to lie? If she's not going to believe you then screw it... you tried your best, didn't you? YOu have put up with a lot, and it just isn't fair. And it's definitely not worth it, if these kids are going to continue to behave the way they do. I understand your not wanting DS to lose a friend, but I don't think it would be a terrible loss. Children tend to make friends easily and quickly. Plus, I don't think I would want my child to hang out with children who acted the way they do (although it's not exactly easy to control who your children become friends with). I wouldn't call these kids a good influence. It just sounds like these kids are accustomed to getting their way and are indulged by their mother, who will always take their side regardless of who disagrees with them.

Good luck! I hope it works out. You really shouldn't have to put up with this mess anymore.

 

[RitaZ.]

Thanks for the replies!

I honestly thought that today would be better. After last week, I decided to have DS#2 sit in the second row with DD, and the twins sit in the 3rd row. I thought it would help, but no!

I definitely will talk to their mom about this, but I still have no idea what I'm going to say. If I decide to do this until the end, there won't be a next time. If they think they'll be spending any time at our house during the summer, they are dead wrong!

 

[disykat]

I wouldn't gloss over it. I'd tell her that your first responsibility is to your own kids and that they will be welcome if they can get along with both your children. Then give it one more day and tell her if it didn't work out. Kids not getting along is a common problem, so hopefully you can phrase it in a way that will keep the blame at a minimum, but help her realize what is going on.

 

[KathyTX]

I've got to agree with Trinity and everyone else-

You owe it to yourself and your kids to get out of this arrangement, pronto. It doesn't sound like you and the mom are close friends, so you aren't risking destroying some deep friendship.

I would tell the mom it's not working out, and that she needs to make other arrangements for the last few days of the school year. (She can return to after school care, pick them up herself, get another sucker to do it, doesn't matter. It is not your responsibility.) If she asks why, TELL HER. Don't expect her to do anything about it, but you can tell her that her kids are cruel to your younger children, and that their rude and disrespectful comments and actions are upsetting to your family.

You have spoken to the mom in the past about their behavior, and she has done nothing about it. You have spoken to the children and just received more attitude. You have no reason to expect that you'll get a better result by talking to any of them again, or by giving them one more chance.

These kids are mean, and they are causing you and your kids grief. Losing them as friends sounds like a GOOD thing, doesn't it? Your DS will be better off without friends like these.

This will be a difficult conversation to have, but once it's over you'll be FREE. You have to put the best interests of your family first.

Best of luck, Rita.

 

[Jeafl]

I agree with the others. Just tell her that it's not working out, and if she asks why not, tell her the truth. I would do it in a non-confrontational way, just matter of factly tell her that her boys are making your kids unhappy, and you don't need to deal with the stress of it all. SHE should be the one to feel bad, not you.

 

[RitaZ.]

OK, that's it... You guys helped me to decide what I'm going to say! I'm going to call her and be honest with her. At this point, I really don't care if she ever speaks to me again. I'll let you guys know what happens.

It's always good to come to the DIS to get opinions and advice on parenting problems. Thanks for the advice everyone!

 

[MerryPoppins]

I agree. That's probably not the best friend your son could choose to hang out with. Let us know how it goes.

 

[mtemm]

If you haven't called yet here's a suggestion for you...write down the main points that you want to get across. Not to read verbatum, but so you can think clearly if she tries to make excuses, etc.

good luck! And let us know how it goes.

 

[Megan's Mom]

I think that you have already made up your mind so here is another person telling you to go for it. She knows that she has put you in a bad position and I don't think she cares. She knows her kids are terrible and yet does nothing to change their behavior. You could talk to her from now on and she wouldn't believe you. For your sake and that of your kids ditch the twins. Your kids need to know that you will stand up for them as well when they are being mistreated. Chances are they were kicked out of afterschool care and she was desperate to find something else. Tell her to make other arrangements for the rest of the year. And if the bullies don't hang out with your older son no great loss. I wouldn't want them hanging out together anyway. Go for it!!!

 

[Pooh93]

I agree with the other posters that she has put you in a bad situation and you need to get out of it. I hope you can without too much grief. Your first priorities are to meet the needs of your own family. Sounds like this lady is taking advantage of you. Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

 

[tiggerlover]

It sounds to me that you have tried and tried to make this work to no avail. Even though it is only a week I would call the parents and tell them I am sorry but I was not able to continue to pick up their kids. Your children are so much more important that two obnoxious boys and parents who aren't willing to see there is a problem.

{{HUGS}}