Parents- How do you build character in your kids?

[southernbella]

Hi all, Hope everyone is having a great day.

I am Mommy to a wonderful, but selfish, 5 year old DD. We are also starting to get into lying issues too. I want to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand, but I am at a loss for new ideas. Nothing I do to seems to affect her. She doesn't seem to care. Am I expecting to much from a 5 year old? What really scares me is she isn't very empathetic (I hope I'm using the right word) to others & she takes no responsibility for anything. (I know, parents of teenagers are right now)

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks, Sbella

 

[Pigeon]

It is normal for kids to have a selfish streak, and five is about the time they try out lying in a big way. My five year old just came out with my makeup all over her face. I asked her about it, and her eyes got big and serious and I got the "Oh, no, Mommy, I wasn't into your makeup" line. Nice try, sweetie.

My kids are actually pretty empathetic. I think one way to teach this is with animals or with smaller kids. Kids naturally respond to them.

We take our kids when we volunteer at the food bank. We donate to various charities and make it a family thing. We stress kindness and the need to help other people who need help.

We aren't particularly religious, but there are lots of good ways to teach ethics, whether or not you are a churchgoer.

 

[southernbella]

Thankks for the advice & the kind words Pigeon. LOL at the makeup story. DD did the same thing with a blue marker (she was drawing tattoo's all over her face). Came in with it everywhere. When I asked her what was on her face, I got the "What do you mean something's on my face" routine.

Thanks again for the helpful hints. It does make me feel better to know that DD is like other kids. I just miss my sweet little toddler. I had to put her to bed early tonight because I caught her punching her little sis (19 months) in the head when I told her to go play with her (Big sis wanted to get on the computer-needless to say, computer will not be happening for awhile). *sigh* Thankfully, the little angels are sleeping peacefully. Thanks, Sbella

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

Lots of positive reinforcement.

I have a copy of the Children's Book of Virtues that I used to read to my kids quite a bit. There is something about a story with a moral that seems to give them an idea without that feeling of a lecture.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I try not to give my kids a chance to lie whenever I can avoid it. Sometimes I'm tempted to ask them a question that they can try to lie themselves out of, but then I realize that I already know the answer, so I rephrase my question. I'm talking about the times that there isn't a doubt as to their guilt. My 6yo is the youngest of 4 children, with a 6yo gap between him and his next oldest sibling, so there's been quite a few times that I've been sure that he's said or done something.

He's a real handful and has tested me more, especially from 1-5yo than all his siblings combined for the same years. There were times that all I could do was to make myself get through the day, then the week and then the month. When he went to kindergarten things got easier. And not because he was gone all day. He got used to following rules, having lots of structure, and constantly learning, which he really loves. He's actually turned into a real pleasant companion and I look forward to spending time with him.

He is still a work in progress and is still very competitive, but that's probably just a part of his personality. He has a hard time losing at anything, which we are working on. He's become less selfish, but being the youngest he also doesn't have to share a lot.

That might be part of what your DD has to work through since she does need to share with a younger sibling, which might be something that's difficult for her. Make sure you recognize (out loud to her) how hard it is for her and notice when she is sharing, even if it's a tiny thing.

Remember, this, too, shall pass!

 

[Aidensmom]

My 4 year old has recently started out the "lying" thing to. Because at that age their lies are so obvious, I have just been responding with "Tell me the truth please"...to which I get another version of the story. But after about 3 or 4 "Tell me the truth" tries, I get the truth. Then we have the "It is not good to lie" little routine.

I really think it is a phase where they are just "testing" it out. IMO, just letting them know (over and over LOL) that lies are not acceptable will get them through it with the understanding that they need to tell the truth.

 

[heart4pooh]

When my oldest DS18 was little we would talk about lying and how if he lied then I couldn't believe anything he said afterwards! I also praised him for telling me the truth even though sometimes it led to a punishment. I encouraged him to tell the truth and the punishment would be a little less painful. If I caught him in a lie, that alone increased his punishment, by a lot! Lying has always brought on the worst possible punishment. I guess I got lucky, though. He has always been able to come to me to talk things over (even the teenage really bad stuff!). If you want to nip it in the bud, then give a punishment for even the littlest of lies, and explain why. If you let one go by, there will be another coming down the pike. My little brother is a pathological liar and is in prison now (not for lying). I can't stand lying!

 

[LBAK]

According to experts in child development they say emapathy comes at about 5-7 years. So I wouldn't worry too much about that yet. My DD started to get it at about 7. I was so freaked out about it though, I thought she would never get it.

 

[Puffy2]

I always told them, "if you lie, that breaks any trust I have in you - it is very hard to earn someone's trust back".

You could get some books or stories about lying (Boy and the Wolf, etc...).

And for the empathy thing, just always point out, "gee, how would you feel if that was you in that situation? or I'd feel ________ if that were me; what about you?"

And, start punishing lying. When they lie, take away treats and rewards they normally get. Do not let it "go".

 

[decaff38]

Super Advice so far. When they spend more time(Kindergarten) with a group of children and are not the single one getting the attention they learn alot of semi-painful life lessons in a hurry. They usually stick and you should see a more empathic and caring child. I think Robert Fulcrum wrote the book Everything I needed to know I learned in Kindergarten. Great read and will help you relive your K days and realize it is all a developmental process and if you stick to what you feel is right it will all turn out fine. Talk about people and situations that are less fortunate than yours and use exaggerated intonation in your voice to show your feelings. They always respond. Good luck with a strongwilled 5 year old . My baby is 16 and her sister is 18. Thought I might go crazy at times but now I look at them and pat myself on the back. They are beautiful, caring, itelligent young women. WHo would have gusessed that when they were about 6?

 

[golfgal]

We encouraged the kids to tell the truth by telling them that if they told the truth the first time we asked, there would be no punishment, if they lied the punishment doubled or tripled depending on the 'crime'.

All kids this age lie to try to get out of trouble. That doesn't mean you have to like it or do nothing about it, just that they ALL do it.

 

[Cor44432]

The wife and I try to spend twice as much time with them and half as much money on them.

 

[JenDaveBrendan]

I have a 5 year old son, and I have also been concerned lately with his blatent lack of empathy towards others. What really sent me over the edge is when the other day my husband fell down the stairs, and my son came down, walked right over him, and showed absolutly no concern. (it was just my husband and son home at the time, I was out) That was really alarming to me. He is also extremely selfish about things - he thinks the world revolves around him.
DS also lies about little things - but to me they are still lies. I have made it clear that if he lies about something, he will be in more trouble than if he just told me the truth about something he did.
I am finding 5 yrs. old to be the most difficult age so far. The defiance, lack of empathy, and selfishness really gets to me. I have moments where I feel I am going to have a heart attack before I am 30 years old. I always say I don't get why they call it the "terrible 2's" because to me, that was my favorite age!
I just don't know anymore... I try to raise him right and to care for others... I am hoping he will learn in time.
I am not trying to come off like my son is a horror - overall he is a great kid, he is smart, really well behaved in school (and for anyone else besides me and DH), and works hard -so I know I have done at least something right!.
Good luck! Hopefully this is a stage all 5 yr. olds go through!!

Jen

 

[southernbella]

Hi, thanks for all of the great advice.

Jen- I know what you mean, 2 was my favorite age too. Sorry to hear you are going through the same things.

Sorry I didn't reply sooner. My Grandmother, uncle, and 3 aunts were in a car wreck the night before Easter. My grandmother was killed, 2 aunts have many broken bones, & my uncle & his wife are in a coma. To make matters worse, the wreck happened in Ecuador (my Dad's side of the family is from there), so I have been trying to deal with getting my Dad a passport(his expired last year) & a plane ticket. Sbella

 

[dmslush]

Hi, thanks for all of the great advice.

Jen- I know what you mean, 2 was my favorite age too. Sorry to hear you are going through the same things.

Sorry I didn't reply sooner. My Grandmother, uncle, and 3 aunts were in a car wreck the night before Easter. My grandmother was killed, 2 aunts have many broken bones, & my uncle & his wife are in a coma. To make matters worse, the wreck happened in Ecuador (my Dad's side of the family is from there), so I have been trying to deal with getting my Dad a passport(his expired last year) & a plane ticket. Sbella

I'm sorry to hear about your family.

 

[mookie]

The wife and I try to spend twice as much time with them and half as much money on them.

I LOVE this advice!!! I just have to keep making myself actually DO it!!

 

[mickeyboat]

5 is a tough age. I have 5 year old and 6 year old girls, and we stuggle every day.

I try very hard to teach them about personal responsibility and problem solving. I think it is my main focus right now, followed closely by empathy. One thing I do is praise them well for good behavior. I encourage them to tell me about incidents they face during the day, and make sure they know I am proud if they handled the situation well. If they didn't, I realize they don't yet have all the tools they need to deal with everything that comes across their paths, so I try too explain what they should do next time.

They have both responded really well to this.

I have two philosohpies for lying. One is teaching them the consequences of crying wolf. The other is again teaching them to accept responsibility and the consequences for your actions. This morning Emily was fooling around with her toothbrush and got toothpaste on the couch. Instead of ignoring it and lying to me about it, she asked for something to clean it up with. I gave her something, reminded her it wasn't time to be fooling around, and she cleaned it up. If I had gotten angry and punished her for getting toothpaste on the couch, she might have been tempted to lie next time.

Does any of that make sense?

Denae

 

[binny]

I'm sorry for your loss.