Parents..Give me Strength!

[IMGONNABE40!]

Some of you may remember my posting about DS 11 who got a D in language arts for the 4th quarter of the fifth grade. He got this grade not because he could not do the work--he received 92 and above on all tests and quizzes for 4th Q, not because he did not do the work--I saw all of his assignments, but because he did not hand in two of those assignments and that really sunk his grade.

So....as a consequence for the D in language arts (oh, a D+ in music too--he never knew when he would be having a test therefore did not study ) DH and I decided that, along with us working on organization skills over the summer, DS would not be able to see Spider-Man 2 when it comes out. BTW all other grades were A's & B's.

I gotta confess. I am waffling! We saw coming attractions for SM2 while at the movies the other night and it looks GOOD. The big thing is, we modified our vacation dates so we would be at Universal when the movie opens and could go see it on City Walk. I don't think anything is planned like for Shrek or CITH, but just being there with the Spider-Man ride and all...


DH will likely have a fit if I try to talk him into letting us all go to see the movie while in Orlando. DH thinks we should not let him see it until 1st Q report cards next school year. This I will certainly try to talk him out of. It sure looks like a "big screen" movie to me and I think DS will miss a lot if he only sees it on DVD. BTW, DH says he and I should go to see it in the theater without DS. I am not sure I could do this. DS has been a Spidey fan for a long time.

My original thought was to see how DS does with all of his assigned book work and chores over the summer and if all goes well, take him to see SM2 at the end of the summer. Seems reasonable and could probably get DH to grudgingly go along with it. But of course I want to take him when it opens.

Give me strength--or options. Thank you.

 

[jrydberg]

Personally, I'd stick to exactly what you said you'd do. But then again, I'm a firm believer in don't make threats if you don't fully intend to follow through on them. Of course your DS will miss a lot if he only sees it on DVD, but isn't that the point? If you don't think you could go without DS, then don't go

Good luck with whatever you decide

 

[FayeW]

I often make threats that I am prepared to follow through on, but occasionally I know I was being unreasonable or over-reacting when I made the threat, so I look for ways for the kids to earn the privilege or reward back. If school hasn't let out yet, perhaps you could speak to the teachers about what they think would be an appropriate assignment for your son to work on at home. You could let him know that you know seeing the movie is important too him, and if he works hard on the assignment and tries his best, the reward will be to allow him to see the movie at Universal as planned.

I usually don't waffle on the punishments if they know in advance what the consequences will be, but I am more apt to be compassionate if I fly off the handle and use as punishment the first thing that pops into my head, which is always the thing that they have been looking forward too the most. Let the punishment suit the crime, make him redo the assignments and make them tougher than before.

 

[izzy]

Originally posted by jrydberg
Personally, I'd stick to exactly what you said you'd do. But then again, I'm a firm believer in don't make threats if you don't fully intend to follow through on them. Of course your DS will miss a lot if he only sees it on DVD, but isn't that the point? If you don't think you could go without DS, then don't go

Ditto

 

[shortbun]

I remember your post about this grade issue before.
I think some of us suggested the consequences fit the crime.
The school work and work on getting organized definitely fit
the crime. I'd set up some system whereas DS could earn back
the right to see the film and I might even explain that we had
decided that this film or any film had nothing to do with his
grades. That's my suggestion. Your DS should be mature enough
to understand the earning of the privilege and the reasons for the change. I would never just say "we take it back".

 

[crz4mm2]

I think you should stick with the original "punishment". If you give in and go back on the punishment, he will think "oh well, they will give in" on the next and next.

I would never go back on a punishment if it truly fit the crime.
And this one sounds like it did.

 

[N.Bailey]

Originally posted by jrydberg
Personally, I'd stick to exactly what you said you'd do. But then again, I'm a firm believer in don't make threats if you don't fully intend to follow through on them. Of course your DS will miss a lot if he only sees it on DVD, but isn't that the point? If you don't think you could go without DS, then don't go

Good luck with whatever you decide

ITA

I think it's awful that his grade suffered so much for 2 assignments though. They must have been pretty big ones?

 

[momm2four]

I feel your pain. My DH told my son that all A's would earn him a PlayStation 2. My DS, who was in 2nd grade, had all A's going into the last three weeks of school. However, I got busy with Teacher Apprec. Week, end of the year field trips, and two Fun Days, and didn't make my son study his spelling words those last two weeks. B/c of his grades on these two tests, he got a B in spelling for the 9 weeks.

I felt bad about that. I waffled a little too and talked to my DH about getting him one anyway (since he got all A's except that high B), but he didn't feel this was right. My best friend reminded me that if we go back on this, then we lose credibility in his eyes. Yes, he would be thrilled if we got him one, but in the future our word wouldn't mean as much. My head knew that they were right, but me, and my pushover self, wanted to make my son "happy". In the end, we didn't get him one, and he got over it.

I agree that I wouldn't take him to the movie simply for the fact that you told him (I assume) that you wouldn't. It stinks sometimes having to be the "bad guy", doesn't it?

Lori P.

 

[FayeW]

Originally posted by momm2four

I agree that I wouldn't take him to the movie simply for the fact that you told him (I assume) that you wouldn't.

I think it makes a big difference if grades were an issue before and the OP told her son that if there wasn't an improvement that he wouldn't be able to see the movie when it came out. Sticking to a punishment just because it's what you said and you think you have to follow through at all costs is not always the best choice. I think that you have to teach your children that you can be reasonable and reach a compromise. Sometimes I get angry and I make ridiculous threats, but after I cool off I will feel ashamed and guilty that I over-reacted. To continue with the punishment would only compound the problem, so I will have a conversation with the offending child about why I was so angry, why what they did or didn't do was so serious, and I will be upfront about over-reacting and issuing a punishment that wasn't fair. I will discuss with them what alternate punishment would be appropriate, or how they think they could earn the priviledge back. I think it is more important to show our kids that we are only human, that we make mistakes, but we are big enough to admit our mistakes, than to have to be right.

In this case I would probably tell the child that he couldn't see the movie right away, but I would give him specific tasks or goals to work towards so that he could earn the priviledge of seeing the movie.

Mommie2four,

You wouldn't have lost credibility by letting the child have the play station if your husband hadn't set an unreasonable goal. I think you should reward children for the effort they put forth instead of the resulting grade. Instead of saying "get straight A's and I'll buy you this", he should have said "as long as you try your best we'll be happy". All you taught your child was that his hard work all year meant nothing because he got a couple of spelling words wrong. I bet he wouldn't have felt that he got away with something if you had said " I know we said you had to have all A's, but we know that you worked really, really hard all year and we think you deserve a reward for always trying your best. How about if we practice your spelling words everyday for the next 2 weeks, and when you can spell them all correctly we'll get you that PlayStation."
All you taught your child was that working hard and trying his best meant nothing, because he mispelled a couple of words.

 

[Serena]

From experience, don't back down, even if it makes no sense to you anymore.
Next time, I'd think more carefully about the punishment.

And make sure you and your husband agree. Truthfully, having one parent make a rule that the other parent thinks is ridiculous is not a good thing. It caused a lot of arguments in my house.

 

[FroggyinArk]

seem to remember commenting on the similarity of the same problem here,, we stuck ours out,, dd did not spend the last 2 weeks in fla with her aunt at busch gardens and sea world,, and she has gotten over it,, sort of,, helped that the pool is still being installed tommorrow being as its s till awhile till spidey is out, i wouldcoinsider trying to get dh to agree to let ds earn his way backl into theatre,, we let dd earn her way into the pool, and she is having to add 2 huors read time each day to her summer list to do at home. we let her slide on days we arent here,butto her credit, she came in last wed and turned off the tv in the living room ,and asked if it was ok if she read in here and if she did she wantd to turn off the tv to keep it from distracting her. Today she even asked to go to library instead of to some friends. ( think a diff freind went to libraray with her but i not sure, ) she has several added chores that have to be doneeach day with out a reminder or else she will loose pool priviledges till we say other wise. i already had dw install poad locks on gates to yartd and on the back door out of house to m,ake a point to d that we can and will lock her out of the pool. so she better watch her step.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ok here I am to "give you strength"!

Your dh & yourself decided on this punishment so you owe it to your son to stick with it.

or

You if you are comfortable doing this, which I have done btw, you can sit with dh and discuss 1st if you think it should be changed. If you both agree that this punishment was not what it is turning out to be then decide on an alternative together.

Then sit down with son and offer him the alternative to be completed before he sees S2. Or keep the original punishment.

Good Luck it is not easy being the parent.

 

[poohandwendy]

I would definitely stick with the original punishment. Disciplinary action has more than one purpose:

a) to pay a price for misdeeds (suffering of sorts)
b) to learn that doing the wrong thing will always result in negative consequences, and
c) to keep you from repeating the action.

If you do not stand your ground, none of these things will be learned. It may seem like a small thing to give in on, no big deal. But if the end message is that punishment will not necessarily be what parents say it will be (due to convenience or sympathy), the message is lost. And really, punishment is really all about getting a message across. If he can work his way out of it, the message sent is 'I can do what I want now and work towards getting what I want later'.

I would count this as a lesson for you also, it really is important to say what you mean and mean what you say. As parents, sometimes our childrens punishments result in our own suffering. Trust me, there will be MANY more times where your disciplining him will be totally inconvenient. That is what it is to be a parent, it isn't fun. And you definitely should be a united front (you and your DH).

Another thing that is important is that your son is at a critical age as far as schoolwork and your/school expectations. It will be a blink of the eye before he is in HS and his grades WILL count for his future. Better he learn the lesson now, by missing SMII (something really important to him)...than to learn later in HS. The study skills and work habits are really critical when they get older.

I think it is a shame, but appropriate punishment for his actions.

With my children, the punishments that 'hit home' with them the most are the ones that stayed with them. Children will only take you seriously when you are serious.