Parents being mean to their kids

[MickeyMinnieMommy]

I have yelled many times and feel sure, with three kids, that I will yell again. But, I don't think it is the best way to handle children. I am pretty sure that when I yell it is to vent my own anger/frustration, not because I have thoughtfully considered the options and decided that yelling is what will effectively discipline them.. So, I strive to yell less. To speak firmly but gently and to remember that the trip isn't about rushing as quickly as I can from attraction to attraction, regardless of the feelings of the other people (even children) in my party.

This is where I am trying to be with yelling. DS when he was small was very sensitive to being shouted at; it was totally counterproductive with him. So were time outs; we ended up putting him in a chair, still in the same room with us, because everything else we tried changed the focus from "DS pulled the cat's tail" to "Mommy shouted at me" or "I won't stay in my room." For DD timeout is effective and she laughs if someone yells at her.

That being said, I do strive not to judge other people on yelling. I'm trying to avoid shouting and spanking because I was raised by a parent who was constantly angry and who still says that she hit us because it "settled her nerves." There are lots of people who make different choices than I have because their backgrounds were different. So, I always try to look at other people with the idea firmly held in my head that we're all doing the best we can. Even my mom.

Although I have to admit listening to someone nag their child as the OP described would grind on my nerves too.

 

[pdchris]

.

I'm just curious, for those of you who think yelling at a child is always wrong.... How many children do you have?

I have 2 (27 and 16, now). When my DD was born and as a little girl, I wasn't mature enuff to be a good dad and yelled at her way too much. By the time my son was born, I had grown considerably and have never raised my voice to him. He knew as a child when I was upset with him because I always accented the second syllable in his name: Chris TO pher.
Furthermore, except for 1 time I have never struck my children. When my daughter was little, I gave her a short "traditional" spanking that Mom recommended I do because Lynsey had do something bad (I can't remember what it is). Anyway, afterwards I went out to the living room and said to my wife, "That kid can do anything short of a felony and I'll never spank her again."
Of course, I never told her or Christopher that! (lol)

 

[bdcp]

Sometimes you have to yell and sometimes a swift smack on the rear end is needed. No child ever died or was permanently damaged from either when appropriate. I really doubt it when someone who has kids says they never yell. Kids are notorious for pushing you to your limit especially in public. They also tend to be overly dramatic if they know someone is watching. You know, the "Ouch don't hurt me again" they pull. Don't think kids are incapable of performing for an audience. Sometimes you have to laugh after the fact. I've raised two wonderful young men who will see a kid throwing a fit in a store and they'll look at me and say, "that kid needs a spanking". They mean, one quick smack. It's not abuse and neither is yelling at your kids occasionally. It's getting their attention. What it teaches them is that you have your limits too and you mean what you're saying. What I hate is parents who beg their kids to behave and say please don't do that while their kids run circles around them. That doesnt' work because they know you don't mean it. I had to laugh at the bathroom story because I'd been in every public bathroom in town when my youngest son was 3. I also would lose my patience, as anyone would, and make threats. Shut Up was also the "s" word in our house while our kids were young, but I used it maybe 10 times while they were young, just to make a point. Everyone who is offended by some yelling needs to relax. It will not permanently harm your child. Constant yelling is a different story. Don't judge someone by 5 minutes, because I'm sure there's at least 5 minutes of your life you don't want to be judged by either.

 

[Nik's Mom]

Not all kids who appear to have tantrums deserve a spanking though. My ds is autistic and has "melt downs", sometimes in public. It can't be helped and there's nothing we can do about it. Just wanted to point that out. We get stared at and I have heard the "that kid needs to get hit" comment when my ds is having a melt down. It just makes the situation worse because ds is disabled, not a brat.
O.k, off my soap box!

 

[meb]

I mean its not horrible to yell at them but to keep on and on and everytime a family member walks up tell them what she did and yell some more it makes you feel sorry for them and this was pretty early in the morning about 10

 

[princesses2]

5 minutes doesn't give an accurate picture and I've yelled at my kids in public but I am very aware of the people around me so I don't raise my voice too loudly (save that for when we get in the car or home).

I take the same approach as what DeidreTour said before. I try not to yell and try to find a better way to reach my kids. God knows I've yelled at my three kids more than I should have. Many times, even as I am yelling at them, I know it's the wrong thing to do b/c I know I'm just being impatient with them. But when you're frustrated and irritated, it's just too easy to loose it and yell. Thank God my children easily forgives me for my shortcomings. Many times as I watch them sleep, I feel regret and promise myself to be more patient tomorrow. I do find that as my kids get older that it's easier to reason with them and threatening to take away gameboy/computers/TV motivates them more than me yelling at them.

 

[hdecker]

We've been to WDW 6 times and there has never been a time we haven't heard parents yelling at their children and an almost continuous everywhere we went episode of crying. Parents and children alike get tired and frustrated, they are hot and hungry or cold and not hungry - it doesn't matter, someone is going to be yelling and someone is going to be crying - but that does not give parents permission to call their children horrible names in public and threaten to beat them because they just spent 5000.00 on this trip and they had better enjoy it!

 

[Tinkerchele]

Many times as I watch them sleep, I feel regret and promise myself to be more patient tomorrow.

LOL, this is too true....they just look like little angels when they're sleeping don't they?

I do find that as my kids get older that it's easier to reason with them and threatening to take away gameboy/computers/TV motivates them more than me yelling at them.

I don't yell a whole lot and I'm a very soft spoken person, so when I raise my voice with them, they know I mean business. Hey, usually I give them a warning it's coming...."Don't make me raise my voice!" My yelling gets their attention. I really don't care who overhears and places judgement. I love my kids more than anything and they love me. A stranger's opinion means nothing.

 

[nanalisa]

I didn't raise my voice to my kids in public. They are grown now but years ago I heard mothers yelling at their kids and I vowed never to be heard that way, it's degrading and it sounds ugly. All I had to do was look at them and say "no swimming" and I meant it and they knew it. We take our 8 yo granddaughter now to WDW and eventhough I'm still young enough to be her mother, I don't have the patience I used to. Thank God she loves to swim

 

[JodyLynC]

I usually take my DD by the arm...or hair sometimes, and i'll bring her into a room of some sort...THEN do what i want with her. I'm tired of other people looking at me and judging me and my parenting skills. who died and made YOU doctor spock?

I don't think one has to be Dr. Spock to notice child abuse or mistreatment. Sorry, but this comment gives me chills.

I have twin girls and yes I yell. It is an ugly horrible habit that I am trying to break. I was consistentally yelled at when I was a chld often for doing nothing, but acting my age. I had no self-confidence and was terrified of speaking up. I was quite frankly verbally abused. I know that there is a difference between yelling to get your kids attention and yelling to put them down. Be aware of which you are doing. One poster said that no one ever died from being yelled at. That is true, but if you don't watch what you say their soul does.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

That is the longest sentence I have read in quite a while.

Exactly what I was thinking!!!

 

[DisneyWisher]

Seems to me a part of this story is also that a child has to hold a place in line for the family. Which is not right either. Are they sending that child ahead while the others walk slower or stop to buy something. Sorry, correct me if I'm wrong but Disney is for vacation, to be experienced by the whole family. Why is this little girl expected to hold the spot? Ask yourselves this "If you were the family behind them would you appreciate being held up because they sent "Cinderella" to hold up the line for them?" I for one get irritated when a family member "saves" spots for others that haven't gotten to the line yet and suddenly here comes 6+ people to jump the line. I just feel if not everyone is ready to ride either wait til everyone is ready or they just don't ride.

Whats the difference of a little girl or a teenage cheerleader holding spots for her friends? Either way its wrong.

Another thought is the little girl got out of line because she was scared about being by herself. Sorry but not a valid reason to yell at her.

 

[DebbieB]

That's what I was wondering, why was this child in line alone? How old was she?

 

[720L]

Originally Posted by GinaGrumpyDwarf
I usually take my DD by the arm...or hair sometimes, and i'll bring her into a room of some sort...THEN do what i want with her. I'm tired of other people looking at me and judging me and my parenting skills. who died and made YOU doctor spock?


Ok All you perfect parents out there...I don't think she meant go to a room and beat her!! She probably meant bring her to a room, maybe swat her on the butt, maybe give her a good talking to. Nothing wrong with that. Some kids don't respond to a gentle "don't do that ok johnny". I always try first with saying "stop that" a few times, then if they don't listen I raise my voice-then if they don't stop it's a swat. I know it doesn't hurt because my son will say "that didn't hurt"--but it gets their attention and they stop.

 

[seashoreCM]

I know I yell at my kids in the parks when they stop holding my hand, I am so freaked out about losing.

You should not be yelling here. You should hold their hands, not they hold yours.

You do not know the situation here, other than the kid got out of line, and they had to start over. Maybe, this was 14th time that day she got out of a line that had a long wait, maybe the family was getting tired of waiting in a line, getting halfway there, or whatever, the kid pops out of line, they chase after her, they have to start at the end of the line again.

This is a society problem, not the kid's problem. Granted it is rude when one red shirted teen stands in line and when he is almost at the on deck circle 25 more red shirts push next to him, but we need to let the family whose kid ran off get back into the same place in line.

My DD has a FASINATION with public restrooms. I have no idea what it is about them, but we cannot walk past a public restroom without her announcing she needs to go. I KNOW she does not need to go. ... she needs to go, we stop, take her to the bathroom, for what? I wait, and wait, I hear NOTHING coming from her stall.

Here is a suggestion. Next time stay in the rest room with her for at least 15 minutes. I was going to say stand right in the stall with her saying (repeating in a soft monotone voice) that you and she will stay there until she actually "goes".

Did you know? Kids' bladders sometimes clam up. Yes it really happens, the kid says he needs to go and when he gets to the rest room he can't.

Later that day, I did have to go tot he bathroom, and so did she ( she is not a camel after all )We were at the sinks washing our hands, and two women were there, and I heard one say 'oh , there is that poor little girl that was being yelled at this morning"

I wanted to tell them to MIND THEIR BUSINESS. They had no idea what I had been through with my DD, and having to drop everything to take her to the bathroom.

Did you know? Kids's bladders sometimes clam up. Yes it really happens, and more often when the kid is under stress including when being yelled at.

In another life, I might enjoy spending my days going from one public toilet to another, but right now,it is not my idea of fun.

When you were little, to the chagrin of your parents?

Next time leave the kids with grandma and go solo or just with your spouse. With your kids, your first duty is parenting, your second goal (a distant second) is having fun.

Now you can say, quietly, after spending extra time in the rest room waiting for the kid to go, that there is no time to ride Dumbo because [you] spent so much time in the bathroom.

Disney hints:
http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/family.htm

 

[JodyLynC]

Sorry, I just don't understand why pulling the child by the hair is okay. If I saw that happening, I'd be on the phone to the police real quick.

 

[720L]

Ok I guess pulling the hair is out of line, I wouldn't do that.

 

[goofy4tink]

Two different trips...two different scenarios with my dd. August '03 we had ridden RnRC, stopped in the gift shop area. SHe saw a RnRC sweatshirt she wanted. Now, it was the day after Hurricane Charley had arrived. She didn't need a sweatshirt. So, I told her we would grab it in Nov when we came for Thanksgiving. Fast forward to Nov. My gf goes to wdw a week before we were scheduled to. She comes home with 'the' sweatshirt, that she got on sale for $12.00 for her dd..who has never even seen RnRC. So, when we finally make our way over to RnRC on Thanksgiving Day, imagine my dd's dismay when we find not one sweatshirt there. The CM called the stockroom and they were completely gone. Of course, they had tee-shirts. Now, why in heavens name they had sweatshirts in August and tee's in late Nov is beyond me, but I digress. My dd, just turned 11, had a major hissy fit. She just melted. SHe took me up one wall and down another..saying "I told you we should have gotten it in August. You're so mean to make me have waited..." yadda, yadda. Well, after about 10 minutes of this and of trying to calm her down, I just snapped. I grabbed her arm and sat her down on that stone wall area just past the overhead guitar. Told her I had had it with her attitude, that I had killed myself getting into the ^$#@ park on Thanksgiving Day, before we even had our room yet, just to get the *%$# sweatshirt and now I get this &^%$ attitude from her. THen at the end of my 'motherly' spiel, I got up and walked away. I wouldn't talk to her at all. SHould have seen the looks I got at that point.

Then two weeks ago, on our last trip, I wanted to ride Dinasour in AK. NOpe, she wasn't having any of it. "Ohhh, Mom..you know I"m horrified of that ride..why would you force me to go on it?!" Now, she has ridden that ride 3 times and we have found that it is the loudness of it that bothers her. So, I suggested that she just cover her ears. Nope, not happening. She had done this on at least 4 attractions over the past two days. Again, I snapped. I informed her that this trip wasn't just 'for her' enjoyment. That there were other people here also who might like to do something that might not be on 'her' must do list. THen I just walked away from her. I had just run from side to side of that park doing the stuff she wanted to do.

Yes, I understand that she is a child and 'only' 11 but somtimes they have to understand that they can't have it all their way 24/7. Was I out of line or over the edge? Maybe. People did give me some pretty harsh looks. I wasn't standing there screaming at the child, just speaking in normal conversational tones but evidently the 'harshness' came through. Sorry if there were people there that thought I was being 'mean' to my child. They didn't see the whole thing. I try not to judge others just becuase of my experiences like this.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

You should not be yelling here. You should hold their hands, not they hold yours.

This is a society problem, not the kid's problem. Granted it is rude when one red shirted teen stands in line and when he is almost at the on deck circle 25 more red shirts push next to him, but we need to let the family whose kid ran off get back into the same place in line.


Here is a suggestion. Next time stay in the rest room with her for at least 15 minutes. I was going to say stand right in the stall with her saying (repeating in a soft monotone voice) that you and she will stay there until she actually "goes".

Did you know? Kids' bladders sometimes clam up. Yes it really happens, the kid says he needs to go and when he gets to the rest room he can't.


Did you know? Kids's bladders sometimes clam up. Yes it really happens, and more often when the kid is under stress including when being yelled at.


When you were little, to the chagrin of your parents?

Next time leave the kids with grandma and go solo or just with your spouse. With your kids, your first duty is parenting, your second goal (a distant second) is having fun.

Now you can say, quietly, after spending extra time in the rest room waiting for the kid to go, that there is no time to ride Dumbo because [you] spent so much time in the bathroom.

Disney hints:
http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/family.htm

Where were you before I had kids? Gee, to think if you had come into my life 9 years ago, I could of learned from you, and be a PERFECT mother.

YOU don't know my daughter. Her bladder does not clam up. She does this other places other than Disney. I have been dealing with this for years. Since that trip, the trip I yelled at her in the bathroom (OMG! call CPS)...now when she says she has to go, I will CALMLY, and in a "quiet" voice ask her "and when I bring you to the bathroom, I am going to hear you pee, right?" she looks at me a minute, and then decides she doesn't have to go. Or, she will say yes, I will hear her pee, and Lo and behold! I do!

As for when I was a child, no, I did not want to waste ONE minute away from the fun by going to the bathroom. So don't even dare assume that my DD is doing just like I did when I was a kid.

I am amazed at all the PERFECT parents on the DIS. I really am.

I am a yeller. I am loud. I am sorry, but when you are raised in a house full of 12 kids, you need to yell. Nobody s going to tell me I am abusing my kids when i yell at them. MYOB, thank you very much.

 

[lovethattink]

I don't think one has to be Dr. Spock to notice child abuse or mistreatment. Sorry, but this comment gives me chills.

Me too.

Years ago I bought the book Dare to Discipline. I've learned so much from that book.

As for the OP, my mom use to do that to me. I'd feel so guilty. She'd keep bringing it up and not letting it drop. Each time she'd mention it, I'd feel that tinge of guilt. Then a few summers ago, I found myself doing it to my son. We were at a little shop in St. Augustine. I had been telling him to be careful and be aware of his surroundings. He walked by a Flamingo and knocked it over and it broke. I told him we had to take it to the register and tell them what happened. I also told him he'll probably have to pay for it. We told the clerk. She took the Flamingo, but did not make us pay for it. We left the store. Each time we went to and from our motel, we passed this shop. Each time, I'd make a comment, teasing him. This past fall we stayed at St. Augustine again. As we passed the store, ds says to both dh and I, "please don't say anything. Every time we pass this store, I feel so bad."