Parenting Styles and Teenage DD Question

[Minnie824]

So, my best friend and I were talking last night and we had a slightly awkward conversation. Her daughter is 16…my oldest is 8, so we’re at different stages of parenting right now.

The first question is, do you and your friends have similar parenting styles, and if not do you ever discuss what you disagree about?

The second question is related to anyone who may have a teenage DD. My friend, lets call her May, was telling me about a conversation she had with her daughter and her daughters boyfriend. Her DD just got her license and May has been letting her drive around, drive her boyfriend home, etc. So I guess this weekend, May was leaving and her DD was going to drive her boyfriend home. May says to them both “Make sure you don’t get any fingerprints on the dashboard this time.” As well as a few other sarcastic comments that were similar. She thought it was funny that she was telling them this. I’m listening to the story wondering if she meant what I thought she meant, so I asked and she said yes they are ‘active’ and her DD tells her about it. I asked May if she was ok with that and she said not really, but what can you do. So this is where the awkward part of our conversation started. To me, the comment May made would be made jokingly more to a friend and not to her teenage daughter. I would not just hand off the keys to my car to my daughter knowing that it was going to be used for more than driving. Is it just me? I don’t know for some reason this conversation really bothered me.

There’s a little more to the story regarding May and her marriage issues lately, etc and her and I have just not seen eye to eye on her actions lately. Maybe its all adding up. But then, I don’t have a teenage daughter yet and maybe this is more the norm now. I don’t know. I just wanted to get some others opinions on it.

 

[MEK]

My son is 17 and I would definately be uncomfortable with that conversation. I have noticed that parents who are divorced and dating seem to have a much more nonchalant attitude towards their teenagers coming and goings. But that is just in my corner of the world and is not necessarily reflective of all single parents of teenagers.

I also think that when parents make statements like that they are also feeling powerless over their teenagers increasing independance. It is a difficult time. I know tha first hand.

 

[mjkacmom]

I can't imagine saying something like that to dd13 when she's 16, but if she became sexually active, I'd be happy to be informed (but not happy that she was sexually active). One thing I've learned is to not judge those who have kids older than your kids, because even though you think you know how you will react to these situations, you really don't.

 

[monkeybug]

I don't have teenagers, and to be honest I have barely even begun to think of how I will handle all of those issues that will most surely arise but...NO WAY would I make jokey comments about something I was not OK with.
That seems strange to me.

 

[cheermom1]

I agree that I won't judge anyone that has kids and they parent a different way. however I do have a 16 yr. old almost 17 and she has her drivers license and I know I wouldn't talking to her like that. I do know she is not active (yes I know for a fact we are very close). i think the difference is I talk to her about everything and what can happen and what happened with me. My parents never talked to me about anything and I went wild...I wanted her to know how I struggled and that most likely if you get preggo the dad will not stay around.

If she was a close friend of mine I would talk to her about it but if she is not then I would let it go..

 

[PollyannaMom]

Can't answer the second question, as I don't have a teenage daughter,

but my answer to the first question is....both! I have friends who parent a lot like I do, and others who parent very differently. - And in that category, there are some with whom I would avoid the subject, and some with whom I find discussion fascinating. One in particular has ideas very different from my own, but she's open about those ideas without being pushy, and I have great respect for her calm conviction. I enjoy talking with her, and don't feel judged (or "judgy").

I think it just depends on the person and how intellectual (as apposed to emotional) you think the conversation will stay.

 

[Wishing on a star]

First - I too would not be happy, or comfortable, to see what you have described in your friend.

Second - I think it goes without saying that you just do not have disagreements about parenting, lifestyle, etc...

IMHO, either you are comfortable with this 'friend', or given that you are seeing her in a new light, and in her current circumstances, you are no longer comfortable with this friend/friendship. (Either way is OKAY....)

But, even if she is to ask your opinions, be aware that anything and everything that you say can and will be used against you. Nobody wants to hear that you disagree or are unhappy with their basic lifestyle/decisions.

 

[sunnyday123]

My son is 17 and I would definately be uncomfortable with that conversation. I have noticed that parents who are divorced and dating seem to have a much more nonchalant attitude towards their teenagers coming and goings. But that is just in my corner of the world and is not necessarily reflective of all single parents of teenagers.

I also think that when parents make statements like that they are also feeling powerless over their teenagers increasing independance. It is a difficult time. I know tha first hand.

Ok. Do not lump all parents in DELAWARE that are divorced and dating with having a nonchalant attitude towards their teenagers comings and goings. It's not the case with everyone, and Delaware is just too small to consider it your little corner of the world.

Ahem. Back to the topic.
The problem is a lot of parents want to be their friends, not their parents. The whole "they're going to do it anyway" argument is flawed and weak. Are you going to go buy them a bag of weed too since they might try it? It's lazy parenting all the way around. I too, would have a problem with someone like that, especially making comments such as those to their teenager.

Plus, no way in heck would they be doing that in MY car. Someone would be buying me new seats.

 

[MizTink]

I can't imagine saying something like that to dd13 when she's 16, but if she became sexually active, I'd be happy to be informed (but not happy that she was sexually active). One thing I've learned is to not judge those who have kids older than your kids, because even though you think you know how you will react to these situations, you really don't.

we can think we will react one way, but never really know until we are there!
my kids have put me in situations that i never dreamed i would handle the way i have!
i think that part of good parenting, and a good relationship with our kids, is the willingness and ability to adapt to each situation as you are faced with it. ready or not.........!!!!!!

 

[bgirl29]

we can think we will react one way, but never really know until we are there!
my kids have put me in situations that i never dreamed i would handle the way i have!
i think that part of good parenting, and a good relationship with our kids, is the willingness and ability to adapt to each situation as you are faced with it. ready or not.........!!!!!!

That is very well said Miz Tink!!! I am someone that wants to plan things and I have a DD about to turn 15 and I have been trying to anticipate situations as she is starting to sorta date now, but when something does happen my reaction ends up not being what I thought it would be just a few days before. I am just saying you cannot know how you will react years in the future when your children are older because each situation is so different.

 

[mjkacmom]

Ok. Do not lump all parents in DELAWARE that are divorced and dating with having a nonchalant attitude towards their teenagers comings and goings. It's not the case with everyone, and Delaware is just too small to consider it your little corner of the world.

Ahem. Back to the topic.
The problem is a lot of parents want to be their friends, not their parents. The whole "they're going to do it anyway" argument is flawed and weak. Are you going to go buy them a bag of weed too since they might try it? It's lazy parenting all the way around. I too, would have a problem with someone like that, especially making comments such as those to their teenager.

Plus, no way in heck would they be doing that in MY car. Someone would be buying me new seats.

So if your dd16 came to you, and told you she was having sex, and wanted bc, you would say no?

 

[MizTink]

my sister was one that always said she would put her daughter on birth control, no matter how young. i used to be soooo disgusted with her!!!! now, years later, i am the one who's 16year old son has a baby.
i now talk very openly with my DD's 14 and 11 about boys, sex, and birth control!! i pray that they have learned from their brother and his girlfriend. i also hope that after seeing how that situation has been handled they know they CAN talk to me, without too much fear!! as a parent you have to hold onto your values etc., but you also have to be flexible and understanding too. it's not easy for us, but i remember it's not easy growing up either!!!

 

[dislaney]

Most of my good friends have similar parenting styles to me. I wouldn't have cared for the joking manner of your friend, but I don't know if that would be enough to cause me not to be friends with her. I hope my dd grows up to wait until at least after high school before she has sex, but if she doesn't she knows that I will put her on bc. I just think 16 is so young. That being said I do know that realistically there are plenty of 16 year olds having sex.

 

[Acklander]

I only have boys so don't know if my opinion counts, but I always taught my sons that being sexually active is a private thing between a couple who care for each other. It's not something to joke about, it's not something to brag about, and to respect the person that you're involved with. So for that reason - no, I wouldn't be making jokes about what they would be doing in the car - it's disrespectful.
That being said, I was aware my son was sexually active at 16, and I agree with your friend. Once a couple decides to take their relationship to that level, and has taken it to that level; I have very little input into the situation. My job is to make sure he understands the responsibilities that go with being sexually active.

 

[sunnyday123]

So if your dd16 came to you, and told you she was having sex, and wanted bc, you would say no?

How did you get that out of my post? My daughter is very open with me, and hopefully will continue to be so. We talk about everything now, and in the future, if there is a need, I would prefer her to be safe and careful as opposed to playing Russian Roulette.

However, I will still not tell her to leave fingerprints on the dash, or footprints on the window.

 

[tasha99]

I wouldn't joke like that, but I am okay with older teens being sexually active. It seems normal to me. When DS was 17, he asked me to take his girlfriend to planned parenthood. I told him I couldn't because I wasn't her parent, but I gave them the address and phone number, and he ended up going there with her. I also, to his chagrin, bought him a box of condoms that day and told him to use them, even if she was on the pill. I think someone old enough to have sex should get their own bc, but I know that's not how it really works.

 

[pyrxtc]

Most of my friends with teens have different parenting styles. One of them lets her DD walk all over her and do nothing around the house, she kind of runs the roost. I know my friend doesn't like it but I don't think she knows how to fix it either. If she asks advice, I give it but what I wouldn't do to have a day with her DD to set her straight on a bunch of things.

Another friend lets her kids do whatever as long as they let her know where and when. Her 14 yr old just went to CA (from NH) with his GF and her parents to see a football game. I was surprised but not totally shocked.

I am kind of on the fence with my parenting. I know teens have sex if they want to no matter what restrictions you have on them. I know I did and I was grounded my entire high school life, ask any of my friends. I still found a way to do what I wanted despite it. I try to have an open relationship with my DD's. I remember what it was like at their age and understand all the crud they are getting from their peers. I just remind them of things they don't want to happen and how they should be careful in their choices, both in boys and in their actions.

 

[iwrbnd]

Parenting teens is so hard! My son (almost 17) has a serious girlfriend and it's hard to take a stand when others don't. For example, they want to be in his room w/the door shut. My husband and I said "no" and although the battle was ugly the door remains open. It would have been so much easier to look the other way!

My husband had the big talk with our son but my talks are short and sweet. This is the extent of it...when he's leaving for a date I pretend to be Mufasa and say "Remember who you are!" He laughs but gets it, too!

All I can say is...Parenting teens is HARD!!!

 

[MichelleVW]

No way would I hand my child the keys and basically say "go have sex!"

 

[mjkacmom]

How did you get that out of my post? My daughter is very open with me, and hopefully will continue to be so. We talk about everything now, and in the future, if there is a need, I would prefer her to be safe and careful as opposed to playing Russian Roulette.

However, I will still not tell her to leave fingerprints on the dash, or footprints on the window.

Sorry - from your post, I thought you were one of those parents who feel that getting their children bc means that they are okay with the fact that their teens are having sex. There are also parents who believe that if you spend the time letting your teens know that you don't approve of teenagers having sex, their kids won't have sex.

If any of my teens came to me, asking for bc, we would have many conversations, but I would make sure they had protection. I would also never condone them engaging in sexual activity in my home (or vehicle!).