Overwhelmed by being in sandwich generation

[dsmith72]

Just a little background-my mom was hit and paralyzed by a drunk driver almost 26 years ago when I was 14. She has a trach, in a wheelchair and since my dad passed away 3 1/2 years ago lives alone. This is the way she wants it. She has most of her mind-she gets forgetful and easily frustrated. She is 72. She lives about 15-20 min. from me and lives on Social Security. She has caregivers who get her in and out of bed paid through a gov't program, but it is very difficult to keep caregivers, even though it pays $12/hour. I also am married, have an 11 & 9 year old and work 4 part time jobs. I am the youngest t 40 and have an older brother and sister in the area and although they help with some of my mom's "entertainment" I am in charge of everything else-her accounts, household issues, hiring caregivers. I love my mom but I am tired and frustrated. My sister wants her to move in with me, but my house isn't very accessible and w/my kids ages I do not want random caregivers coming in and out of my house all the time. She can not go to assisted living because she can not bear any weight on her legs and in case of a fire they say she is not eligible, also the trach scares them off. The only nursing home we could afford are the kind you wouldn't want your family in and besides she really wants to stay in her home. Anyway, I just needed a place to vent. I am consumed with guilt, if I spend time with my family, I feel guilty that I am not including my mom and if I do things with my mom, I feel bad I am not with my kids or they are being made to sit while I handle all of her phone calls (she has a bad speech impediment because she also bit off a 1/3 of her tongue when she was hit). Again, thanks for listening!

 

[taylor3297]

Just a little background-my mom was hit and paralyzed by a drunk driver almost 26 years ago when I was 14. She has a trach, in a wheelchair and since my dad passed away 3 1/2 years ago lives alone. This is the way she wants it. She has most of her mind-she gets forgetful and easily frustrated. She is 72. She lives about 15-20 min. from me and lives on Social Security. She has caregivers who get her in and out of bed paid through a gov't program, but it is very difficult to keep caregivers, even though it pays $12/hour. I also am married, have an 11 & 9 year old and work 4 part time jobs. I am the youngest t 40 and have an older brother and sister in the area and although they help with some of my mom's "entertainment" I am in charge of everything else-her accounts, household issues, hiring caregivers. I love my mom but I am tired and frustrated. My sister wants her to move in with me, but my house isn't very accessible and w/my kids ages I do not want random caregivers coming in and out of my house all the time. She can not go to assisted living because she can not bear any weight on her legs and in case of a fire they say she is not eligible, also the trach scares them off. The only nursing home we could afford are the kind you wouldn't want your family in and besides she really wants to stay in her home. Anyway, I just needed a place to vent. I am consumed with guilt, if I spend time with my family, I feel guilty that I am not including my mom and if I do things with my mom, I feel bad I am not with my kids or they are being made to sit while I handle all of her phone calls (she has a bad speech impediment because she also bit off a 1/3 of her tongue when she was hit). Again, thanks for listening!

Where do you live? My Mother is in assisted living and there are folks there that are in wheel chairs and have trachs. Also, depending on how much SS she gets, she may qualify for assistance in one of the nicer assisted living places.

I understand how you feel. My mother in the span of 4 months had an in home accident, went from living alone totally independent to having to go to assisted living and having to sell her home and all her stuff.

I have two older sisters who live out of state, so all of her personal business falls on my shoulders.

Look to see if you have an senior assistance organization in your area. Where I live we have one called Guiding Lights. These folks know the ins and outs of everything dealing with these types of issues.

Good luck to you.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My sister wants her to move in with me

Isn't that nice of her? How about she takes on the task?

(All in favor say Aye! )

but my house isn't very accessible and w/my kids ages I do not want random caregivers coming in and out of my house all the time.

Of course not. It's ridiculous to think that any one person could take it on, anyway. Burn out would occur so fast one's head would spin.

I am amazed that your mother has managed this long at home. I'm sure you've played a big part in that. For that I'm sure she's grateful.

I hate to say it, but with your mother's chronic state and advancing age, her next step is very likely going to be to either an assisted living facility (if you could find one that would accept her with her medical issues) or, unfortunately, a nursing home.

I think you need the help of a social worker to look at all of your options. I agree that if your Mom only has SS, she should qualify for assistance.

With all of that said, there are some very nice facilities out there today, even nursing homes. Believe me, I know how nasty some nursing homes can be (and the stigma they have) because I worked in them growing up. But a few years ago I revisited many when we were deciding on placement for one of my own family members, and I was very impressed with some of the places I saw. In particular there was a brand new one that didn't even seem like a nursing home; more like a hospital. I know that's not ideal, either, but at least it wasn't run down, depressing and smelly, IYKWIM. You have to just go visit them. Lots of them.

I know your mother's wish is to stay at home, but really, it may not be possible or feasible in her state.

If and when things are "settled" for her, you can much more enjoy your time with her. No doubt it is a painful process to go through, though.

Just know that there are many others in the same boat as the sandwich generation, myself included! (PS my mother has lived with me for almost 17 yrs, she is in her mid 80s now.)