Overweight and troubled

[HappyGilmore]

I went to my dd school to have lunch with her today - she is in the first grade and one of her friends' Mom's was also there. My dd's friend whispered something into my dd's ear which my dd later told me. The friend said "Your Mom is Fat and my Mom is skinny". I just responded to my daughter with well that is the truth... but it broke my heart mostly for how hearing that must have made my dd feel. What the said is the truth and comments like this define who I am and who I have been my entire life : judged, compared negatively to others, the butt of stares, gossip and fat jokes, the one who is different and was not picked in PE etc. A life time of hearing comments such as the one today is exactly why I feel they way I do about myself.

I am 40 years old and 330 lbs and most aspects of my life right now are . Some of you me may totally understand what I am feeling right now and others of you won't be able to understand at all. I don't know what it is like to shop in regular stores for clothes, I have hardly anything to wear that fits, I hate looking at myself in the mirror, I don't feel or see anything beautiful about myself (very low self esteem) and I really believe that others don't see it either.

I read a post here yesterday or the day before from someone that asked if it was possible to fall out of love with your spouse and if so if it was possible to ever fall back into love with them .. some of you may have read that one.... I totally felt like I could have written those same words. I've had secret feelings for someone while I was married which I know is wrong but it made me have something to feel good about- there has been a lot of hurt that I have brought onto myself with allowing those feelings to develop and exist and then trying to make the feelings go away -- the friendship that was, is now non existent as most likely was obvious how I felt even though the feelings I held weren't acted on or discussed. I miss the person and feel a loss. I still have feelings that I don't know how to get rid of of and in my mind I beat myself up secretly about the whole situation, the guilt etc.

I have two kids and they are a big part of if not the only thing that keeps me going day to day. With that said some of you may say if I totally believe that about my kids then I MUST take care of myself for them. While I totally agree - I just feel overwhelmed with how much weight I carry. I feel like it is impossible for me to accomplish losing it and all the baggage assocaited with it. I have visited with an Addictions couselor (food issues, obsessive thinking) but stopped going because of $$ and insurance won't cover so that is not an option for me now. Our income is limited as my spouse is not currently working.
We've been married 15 years but he has never beeen a good communicator, or supportive mentally,physically, emotionally at all and perhaps this is the reason why I have developed feelings outside of him. I have a lot of resentments toward him I am sure he has plenty also - we basically just exist in the same house as parents to the children we created . I wonder sometimes if I ever loved him to begin or vice versa. It is awful to feel this way. . I wish we could develop a close marital relationship --- kind of like the one that I dreamed about with another person.
I love Disney World and talked about going to MK in a couple of weeks for a day but honestly my spouse is so grumpy and impatient with the kids and me on a daily basist that I don't even look forward to going to the happiest place on earth. I don't even know how to begin to lose 200 lbs and don't feel I have the strength to do it alone. Happiness seems so far away .

 

[Squirrel!!!]

I am so sorry that things in your life are so hard right now. It is easy to get so overwhelmed that there seems to be no way to work your way out.

I do not have any magic words or solutions for you. But, please do know that you are of value far more than you know....there is much more to any individual than the weight that they carry.

It seems that you do need some help, counseling, someone to talk to, your feelings of hopelessness sound like depression, not that I have any idea what I am talking about, of course.

I just wanted to step in and say...I am sorry that you feel so alone/empty/awful.

I wish I could help...but as a cyber voice who heard---take care of yourself. I hope you can find some relief/help/solace.

 

[usnuzuloose]

You are not alone in your feelings. Right now I would focus on getting yourself in some counseling. There are ways to find counseling for close to nothing at all. I am returning to counseling myself. I do understand the weight issue. I have been up and down all my life. Sometimes it feels like we are the only ones going through these things. But your not. There is hope. You need to start with one thing at a time. Start searching the internet for the counseling. Once you begin there then other things will start to fall in place. I would love to find a support group for eating issues. I just need someone to be accountable to for what I need to eat on a daily basis and stick to it. I am an emotional eater. Please do not beat yourself up. The small steps are the hardest to do. I look at the persons heart not the outside. Please keep us informed how things are going. Please know I care and so do alot of other people as well. Jo

 

[donac]

Come on over to the WISH thread here on the boards. They can give you all sort of support, encouragement and ideas to help you on this journey

 

[John VN]

Another invite to come over to the W.I.S.H. thread.

 

[jaminmd]

I went to my dd school to have lunch with her today - she is in the first grade and one of her friends' Mom's was also there. My dd's friend whispered something into my dd's ear which my dd later told me. The friend said "Your Mom is Fat and my Mom is skinny". I just responded to my daughter with well that is the truth... but it broke my heart mostly for how hearing that must have made my dd feel. What the said is the truth and comments like this define who I am and who I have been my entire life : judged, compared negatively to others, the butt of stares, gossip and fat jokes, the one who is different and was not picked in PE etc. A life time of hearing comments such as the one today is exactly why I feel they way I do about myself.

I am 40 years old and 330 lbs and most aspects of my life right now are . Some of you me may totally understand what I am feeling right now and others of you won't be able to understand at all. I don't know what it is like to shop in regular stores for clothes, I have hardly anything to wear that fits, I hate looking at myself in the mirror, I don't feel or see anything beautiful about myself (very low self esteem) and I really believe that others don't see it either.

I read a post here yesterday or the day before from someone that asked if it was possible to fall out of love with your spouse and if so if it was possible to ever fall back into love with them .. some of you may have read that one.... I totally felt like I could have written those same words. I've had secret feelings for someone while I was married which I know is wrong but it made me have something to feel good about- there has been a lot of hurt that I have brought onto myself with allowing those feelings to develop and exist and then trying to make the feelings go away -- the friendship that was, is now non existent as most likely was obvious how I felt even though the feelings I held weren't acted on or discussed. I miss the person and feel a loss. I still have feelings that I don't know how to get rid of of and in my mind I beat myself up secretly about the whole situation, the guilt etc.

I have two kids and they are a big part of if not the only thing that keeps me going day to day. With that said some of you may say if I totally believe that about my kids then I MUST take care of myself for them. While I totally agree - I just feel overwhelmed with how much weight I carry. I feel like it is impossible for me to accomplish losing it and all the baggage assocaited with it. I have visited with an Addictions couselor (food issues, obsessive thinking) but stopped going because of $$ and insurance won't cover so that is not an option for me now. Our income is limited as my spouse is not currently working.
We've been married 15 years but he has never beeen a good communicator, or supportive mentally,physically, emotionally at all and perhaps this is the reason why I have developed feelings outside of him. I have a lot of resentments toward him I am sure he has plenty also - we basically just exist in the same house as parents to the children we created . I wonder sometimes if I ever loved him to begin or vice versa. It is awful to feel this way. . I wish we could develop a close marital relationship --- kind of like the one that I dreamed about with another person.
I love Disney World and talked about going to MK in a couple of weeks for a day but honestly my spouse is so grumpy and impatient with the kids and me on a daily basist that I don't even look forward to going to the happiest place on earth. I don't even know how to begin to lose 200 lbs and don't feel I have the strength to do it alone. Happiness seems so far away .

First, I'm so sorry that your feelings were hurt. I just want to point out one thing you said. Don't worry about beginning to lose 200 lbs. Focus on making small changes that will get you healthier. New habits to form and ones that you will actually be able to maintain. As you do this, your weight will begin to come off. With each loss, you will feel better, resulting in more weight loss.

Don't put a time frame on it or you may set yourself up for failure & an unrealistic goal. Slow & steady.

 

[RunningGirl]

I agree that you should not focus on losing 200 lbs. I've run a marathon and I didn't think about running 26 miles because it would have been so overwhelming that I wouldn't have taken the first step. I knew I could run one mile and I figured I just had to do that 26 times!

Set small goals and do not center them all upon the weight. How about setting a goal to cut soda (for example) out. Or getting out each day and taking a 20 minute walk. Start slow and focus on things that will make you healthier. Not only will it make you feel better and give you the chance to reach some goals, it will set a wonderful example for your children without focusing on weight issues. Take it slow so the changes stick and don't feel overwhelming.

Try to find someone who will help to hold you accountable and encourage you to keep moving forward - it does not have to be your spouse. It could very well be people here on the WISH board!

Lots of to you!

 

[arminnie]

Try sparkpeople.com - it is probably as active as the whole DIS with lots of subforums, etc. And it is totally free.

I think most diet programs make a terrible mistake by focusing on losing weight immediately. You should learn how to eat in a normal fashion first - before you start the cutting down process.

I spend years dealing with why I was overeating. I totally quit dieting and will NEVER diet again. I can eat anything I want - no foods are taboo. But I have learned to stop eating when I am full. Even if I've only eaten a tiny portion of what is on my plate.

Don't think about losing 200 pounds. That is too depressing. Just take it day by day.

I really do wish you the best. I have lost three friends ages 44, 53, and 52 due to morbid obesity in the past two years. No cancer, no accidents - their bodies just couldn't go on any longer. And I came so close to losing my sister until she lost 100 pounds. She is still not thin - but she is no longer in danger of dying. Her weight made her spinal fluid pressure skyrocket, and it literally eroded parts of her brain lining.

You don't have to get skinny - just change some habits and slowly lose some of that weight. Remember you will still be the same person. Your weight does not define you. Yes it impacts your life - but the kind person that I am sure you are is the real you not your body shape.

 

[The Pink Cupcake]

I don't even know how to begin to lose 200 lbs and don't feel I have the strength to do it alone. Happiness seems so far away .

First of all, you don’t worry about losing 200 pounds. Don’t even let it sneak into your head. Today you start by planning to lose 5 pounds. That is it. I promise you can lose 5 pounds. Once you lose 5 pounds, try and lose 5 more.

Please get the Leslie Sansone 3 mile walk. They are cheap on ebay. It changed my life. You might only get though a mile in the beginning and that is ok. You might have difficulty finding time to do this. Sometimes the only time I could put it on was at 5 am. I would have to drag myself out of bed. I hated it. But once the video was over, I was so proud of myself.

You can do this. I promise. Also, fill a gallon jug up with water and mark it as yours. Put it in the fridge and see if you can finish it during the day. This is just for a 5 pound goal. Only plan for 5 pounds at a time. Please don’t torture yourself by looking at 200 pounds.

Many hugs to you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Agree with others about learning how to eat/drink healthy and not worry so much about "weight loss".

 

[Christine]

I don't have any good advice. While I don't struggle with weight, I struggle with overeating and making bad food choices. Which at age 46, makes me not feel really well most times (I didn't bother me when I was younger).

I just wanted to comment on the little girl that made the comment. Try not to let it get you down too much. Kids can just be really odd that way. I am well aware, from my own kids' conversations, that they "compare" moms, and they do want to be "proud" of their moms. But they will ALWAYS find something to fault you with! For me, it's my hair. Apparently, in my kids' schools, it's really uncool to have a short haircut. My kids constantly pointed that out to me and that if I could "just grow my hair out and have it long or in a ponytail" I'd look so much better, like their friends' moms. Really... It's just idiotic but that's the kind of stuff kids talk about. I've heard their friends talk about what so-and-so's mom wears compared to the other moms, how this one wears great shoes, and this one wears those uncool Crocs. It just goes on and on. I just wanted you to try not to take it too much to heart. If it wasn't your weight, it would have been something else.

 

[njcarita]

sending a big hug your way
you seem to be dealing with a lot of different emotions which I think we all face at different times at our lives...
I agree with the others small changes and goals are the way to go...
not sure your age but when I got into my 40's my hormones went nuts.... went from totally happy and confident to a witchy , unhappy crying mess!!!! questioned who I am... my marriage .... u name it..... what helped me was the powersurge forums.... great group of gals...

and I have needed to loose 50 lbs for the past 10 years with out luck.... if u want a loosing weight buddy.... just pm me...

 

[luvsJack]

OP, I know exactly how you feel and am right there with you. I don't have as much to lose, but every pound can sometimes be a struggle.

And I have learned over the years that you have to be in the right mindset to lose. I don't know if you are in that right mind set right now.

For one thing this is a horrible time of year to start. Most nutritionist, WW leaders, or other that deal with weight loss will say "oh, I commend you for starting in the holidays" but the fact is you will be setting yourself up for failure. Jan 1 doesn't have to be your start date, but don't pick two days before a big family gathering or Chirstmas party either. The very beginning to a new way of eating is not the time to be around all those rich, high fattening foods unless you have a awful lot of will power.

Any program works, well, MOST work; there are scams out there and there are things that work great for others but not work for you. You just have to learn to work the particular program you choose. You say that funds are limited to sparkpeople.com would be a good one because it is free and the W.I.S.H. boards here too. I was doing both and got bogged down in work and school and just stopped posting (although I didn't stop posting here. . . hmmmmm funny how that works!) Weight Watchers online is like $13 a month but it is a well proven program that has proved itself time and again.

But the first things, first and you need to get to place where you are ready. You need counseling. There should be a mental health clinic in your area that charges by a sliding scale, make an appointment and go. Through there you will be able to get yourself to a point where you know what you want to do in your life. Maybe your dh will go to and you can fix your marriage, maybe not but you have to get a point in your life where you are happy with you.

I am not actively trying to lose weight right now, but one thing I have done is start an exercise program. 2-3 days a week a friend from work and I work out together. We joined a wellness center through our local hospital and through this can see a trainer for exercise, work with a behaviorist and a nutritionist, and we pay $40 per month. Right now we are only exercising but after the holidays we will start seeing the nutritionist and the behaviorist. If the money is a possibility, maybe you could check with the hospitals in your area to see if they have something similar. Or because it is through a medical facility maybe insurance would cover it?

If you don't make any other change could you possibly start walking every day? Either alone or with a friend. It would be free and getting outside plus the exercise can do wonders for your emotional state.

Loads of luck to you and remember this is not a struggle you are alone in. If you do only one thing, go on either the board here or at sparkpeople.com and start talking to others who are having the same struggle, you need that support system.

 

[piglet50]

i also recommend sparkpeople. it's a great site with lots of information and tools to help you make a change in your life. folks there are a big encouragement.

as others have said, don't focus on weight. focus on making a couple of changes in what you eat (no soda and portion control for me). give yourself credit for making a start by posting here. my goal is not to lose weight but to be and feel healthier. also, exercise. that's always been an ugly word to me but walking 10 minutes three times a day is doable and it makes me feel so much better.

you can do this. you're worth it. your children are worth it.

check back in and let us know how you are. i care.

 

[abdmom]

I second the getting rid of pop/soda. I was a diet Coke addict. It started to really do a number on my digestive system, made me overeat, made me crave sweets, gave me mood swings, made me tired etc. I gave it up about 5 months ago and feel much better. I've started walking more and less eating of desserts. Baby steps. Next step is a diet program, with LOTS of counselling built in. I've found I can't do it on my own.

 

[Rora]

I wish I had advice but I can give s, good thoughts, and prayers. I hope things get better. You can do it!

 

[cabanafrau]

I'd recommend that you also look for things to be involved in that don't revolve around weight loss. It would be a bonus if you could find some cause or activity to share with your spouse, or spouse and children.

What you wrote about developing feelings for someone else and feeling some entitlement to those feelings in order to have something positive to think about was really disturbing to me. I think if you find an activity or cause to focus on, while working on your weight incrementally as other people here have recommended, it will give you a path to help you change your thought processes & get you out of your own head a bit. Including your spouse if possible would likely help tremendously.

Volunteer for a charity, get involved in a book club, see if your school district's theatrical production could use some help behind the scenes, start attending local town council meetings and learn what local committees could use some fresh hands and ideas, take a class to learn how to re-tile your bathroom, whatever. You need to re-focus your thoughts in truly positive things.

Don't make your first step, I've got to get thin. Follow the good advice here about the weightloss, work on re-training your brain and, I say this kindly but with tough love, don't be an idiot & let your marriage fall apart because what you've described in your post is nonsense on that front. You need to put on your big girl panties and deal with it, not sit back and mope and complain.

I truly wish you and your family the very best and hope to read some positive updates from you soon.

 

[minniecarousel]

You may have done Weight Watchers in the past (most people have!). They just rolled out a totally new program a week ago. I think it's so sensible. They're using a new way to count points by taking fat, fiber, protein and carbs into account. You may want to look into it. (personally, I'm just trying to not gain weight through Jan.1!)

Hang in there. Take baby steps. Don't get overwhelmed with the big picture.

 

[paintnolish]

First, I'll comment on the school issue. Kids are cruel- we've all heard that. Sorry it hit such a sensitive spot with you. Over the past few years, I've gained about 20 lbs. and the "bully" in dd's grade said, "What happened to your mom? SHe used to be sooo skinny." Okay, um, I wear a 12 now! Rotten kids!
Second, I think you've gotten some good advice so far. In my non-professional opinion, I think you need outside help. You're reaching out to others here, so you could (who couldn't?!?) benefit from a counselor and a group weight loss setup. Good luck! I know it seems insurmountable (sp), but you can change your life.

 

[alldiz]

I know exactly how you feel. June of 2009 I realized I was over 100pds overweight and my marriage was over.

I had an epiphany.....thought surgery was my only option...that scared me.
I've lost 105 pds.......this yr I put back 35 pds. I know how you feeel......I am struggling right now to get back on track. My husband and I are separated now......I lost all that weight with no help from him......He only loves thin girls....and I'll never be that...so finally kicked his butt to the curb after I found out he loved someone else....anyhooo......

Girl....there is no secret......Input vs output.
Small changes add up to HUGE results. Dont' think about losing 200pds....geez talk about overwhelming. Set a 50pd goal....and go from there.

I promise you will feel so much better after losing 10pds. The "bloat" will be gone and you will feel good just knowing you are on the right track doing something good for yourself.
Watch the biggest loser....great motivation.

Cut out sugary drinks......do some exersize every day. Small meals more often. IMO....exersize is essential.....If you have access to a pool....that would be great.

You can do it. I thought it was too late and my DD would always have a "fat mom". I can't believe it but she dosent' remember me like that till we see pictures.

Do it for yourself. Every day ask yourself. "What have i done today to make ME proud.
Try to limit carbs....eat more protein....It fills you up more.
YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
1 day at a time......Every time you eat is an opportunity to make a healthy choice....not good vs bad.
When "most" choices are good.....you will see results....
good luck to you and you are not alone
Kerri