OT: Yes, I'm asking for parenting advice for my almost 6 yo dd

[robinsegg]

The way I've looked at this issue goes something like this:
1. I want my kids to look somewhat presentable.
2. As young children, I put outfits together for them and they may choose anything that's put together.
3. If they want to switch, I'll comment on if it "works" pr not, and help them understand why it does or not.
4. My dd9 now puts together some of her own outfits. Most of them match. If they don't, I let her know what I think and let her make her own choices (unless it's inappropriate for weather or some such).
5. Having them grow up seeing what "works" helps them to make appropriate choices later in life.

Otoh, I don't judge other moms if their kids don't match. Imo, life's just *too short* to validate my parenting style by besmirching someone else's. To each his/her own.

Oh, and I *do* let my dd go to slumber parties. They *are* starting to go to other neighborhood yards (we haven't known many people here until recently). I stay for birthday parties unless it's suggested that I not (because I don't expect other parents to take care of my kids unless it's been stated that's the expectation on their end). We've been talking about (in a couple of years) getting dd a Peek (for emailing) along with her own email address.

Assumptions about classes of people are often wrong . . . just because they're stereotypes. I find them useless.

 

[HLDisney]

Agree to disagree. When I see kids who's parents insist on picking out their childrens' clothes, I assume they're the type to micro-manage, over-parent, and helicopter. They're the ones who stay for birthday parties, refuse to let their children go to sleepovers, and won't allow them to ride bikes with friends when they're older. They refuse to hire a sitter to have a night out with a spouse or friends. They won't allow their 13 year olds to text, and when it's time for college, bribe their children with cars if they go to a local community college. Then, when the children (at the age of 27) finally move out, they realize that their whole lives have revolved around their children, and they have nothing in common, have nothing to talk about.

BTW, since people generally are friends with those who have similar views, my friends wouldn't bat an eye at a child who's clothes were mismatched.

Wow, that seems harsh. I do choose my DD's clothes for her, partly because she really doesn't care what she wears as long as it's comfortable and mainly because I want to make sure it's weather-appropriate. Our weather changes frequently so the thin shirt that worked yesterday might not work today so it's not as though I can fill her closet with only clothing that she can choose from every day.

And yes, at this point, I will be very wary of letting my DD do several of the things you mentioned until she's a lot older but mainly because I live in a very big city and I worry about crime. I'd rather be a bit overprotective than to have my DD abducted or hurt.

And you know what, I grew up as one of those children you mentioned and I'm glad my parents were on the cautious side. It didn't stop me from growing up and being independent but it did keep me from some of the "wilder" things that some of my friends did (that they regret now)

(FWIW, my DD does have her own email address at this point but she knows that I can check it at any time)

Helen

 

[justhat]

Agree to disagree. When I see kids who's parents insist on picking out their childrens' clothes, I assume they're the type to micro-manage, over-parent, and helicopter. They're the ones who stay for birthday parties, refuse to let their children go to sleepovers, and won't allow them to ride bikes with friends when they're older. They refuse to hire a sitter to have a night out with a spouse or friends. They won't allow their 13 year olds to text, and when it's time for college, bribe their children with cars if they go to a local community college. Then, when the children (at the age of 27) finally move out, they realize that their whole lives have revolved around their children, and they have nothing in common, have nothing to talk about.

BTW, since people generally are friends with those who have similar views, my friends wouldn't bat an eye at a child who's clothes were mismatched.

I agree completely. And all of my friends are the same. Probably in part because many of my friends have kids in school with my kids, and since the school supports early independence, the parents do as well.


MHM - My kids are in a Montessori school, which I know you don't think very highly of, so there is little time during the morning of "We are only doing X now." Much of their day, specfically at the 2-3yo level, is focused on practical life activities, so dressing is very appropriate. They have button/snap/zipper/tie frames in the classroom so the kids can practice and learn how to do those things, which are essenial for independence. So changing clothes is just part of the day.

I wouldn't flame you for your reply, but I will agree with you that it is judgemental. Not everyone 'teaches' in the same way. I fully believe in letting my kid figure things out on their own whenever possible, so telling them something doesn't match doesn't fit. It doesn't relate at all to not telling them 'no' or lacking discipline. It's not like I, or other parents I know who let the kids dress themselves, are doing it to cave into the whims of a preschooler. It's never once been a battle in my house so that's simply not the case. We need to go somewhere and dress a certain way, my kids have no trouble conforming for that. But we do it so they can have some control over themselves, in a way that doesn't affect anything, learn how to select appropriate clothing, learn appropriate grooming, etc. I could micromanage all that, but I feel like you get a lot more out of it when learning on your own.

 

[CLR4321]

I have a 5 year old DS who also prefers to do things his way or potentially trigger a meltdown. Luckily hair isn't an issue, as it is short! It sounds like your DD may be doing this as a form of control, because she wants things her way and not your way. Have you tried giving her some choices regarding her hair? I assume it is long, the way your describe it. Is putting it in braids an option before she goes to bed at night? This may help maintain it overnight so it would be less crazy in the mornings. Maybe you could even talk her into keeping it in braids (either one braid or like pig-tail braids) for the day. She could still put the clips on the 2 sides to "be pretty". It may save you some time, plus you won't have to struggle with trying to brush it out.
If braids won't work, perhaps some heavy duty hair detangler? As far as keeping her from putting mass amounts of clips in her hair, do not let her do it, even if it means that you have to hide them and only take 2 out at a time. Tell her that she can do her hair when she is around the house or that she can do her doll's hair. She will likely throw a fit but eventually will stop. If you enable her to keep doing whatever she wants, she will keep doing just that, and will throw a fit when she can't until she gets what she wants.
You may also want to explain that you want to help make her hair look pretty, and teach her how to do it.
This may all be stuff you have tried, but just figured I'd give my input.