OT Vent...

[Brightsy]

...I don't know why it is. I seem to attract the insensitive people in the world like some kind of super-charged magnet.
Today was Mommy-Vinny day. I had some errands to run and asked my Dh if he and the boys wanted to come. He said No, and so did my older DS. So, I decided Vinny might like getting out of the house (for those who don't know us here well, Vinny is 3 1/2 and was diagnosed w/ ASD a little over a year ago). Well, things were going pretty well until we got to the scrapbook store. (Honest I just needed a few sheets of paper!!!) He quickly calmed down when he saw the "kid" sized shopping baskets and he happily followed me around picking out whatever caught his eye. (Yes, I even bought some of the items he picked. Then we made a game of putting the things we didn't get back.)
So, we went to the grocery store. Followed our usual routine and about 2/3 of the way through the list, as usual, went to the bakery section to get Vinny his free cookie.
That's when trouble hit, no sprinkle cookies...just chocolate chip and he wanted nothing to do with them. THEN he saw the big cake like cookies w/ frosting on them. Mean Mommy that I am I explained I wasn't buying a 6$ box of cookies just so he could have one. He settled down but as I pushed on to the produce section he started to fuss... then sniffle, and then BAWL...and then the hurricane hit, as it were. We went from tantrum to full-scale melt-down.
I'm used to this happening now and then. I decided to finish off my list quickly and get the boy home. He was at the point where he'd calm down but if I touched him or looked at him he'd go off again.
Most folks were cool. I got a lot of glares from other parents. And then IT happened...
A woman approached me. She kinda reminded me of Ursula now that I think of it. Anyways, there she is...in my face and she has the unmitigated GALL to tell me I need to work on my parenting skills as I obviously had no clue as to how to control my child in a public place. How dare I subject the other customers to this kind of...cacophony (yes, her word, as a person with a BA in English I was impressed...a little.)
I simply stated "He's Autistic." And she turned red, not just a blush but red like a boiled lobster from her head on down her face and past the v-neck of her overly sequined polyester blouse. And for some reason, I a gal who is usually calm and non-confrontational, went off. I took a deep breath, I didn't yell, kept my voice calm.
I said something along these lines: "You know, the next time you want to open your yap and make judgemental commentary on people's life skill ya' might want to take a moment to close the mouth and open your brain. There are people out there who look perfectly "normal" who, frankly sister, ain't. It's called an invisble disability, kind of like insensitivity, narrow mindness, and ignorance...but without the saving grace of being easily cured by a few moments thought." I went along the vein for a few more moments and then ran out of steam.
I don't know what got into me. I actually feel kinda bad, the lady had tears in her eyes when I was done... I don't like upsetting folks but *shakes head* I dunno. Like I said, lately it seems like I've turned into a stoopid-magnet.

Sara

 

[SueM in MN]

Well, I do think that particular lady will not make a comment like that again.
We all have our particular things to deal with - mine is people who talk to my DD with baby talk. Sometimes she doesn't seem focused, but she understands well enough to "get" the inavertently funny things people say before they even realize what they said was funny. I feel like screaming when people do that, but usually I am able to control myself. If I had a hard to deal with series of things happening like you did, I'd probably erupt like you did.

 

[wide awake]

Brightsy, you are a heroine !!! No one has ever said anything to me about DS's behavior, but I think my demeanor tells them not to intrude...but my mom is always happy to share...don't know why...about people looking at her or making suggestions when she has DS...It is like the idiots that say "smile, it isn't that bad"...how do they know...my sister works with a woman whose DH was just diagnosed with incurable cancer of the brain...guess what, this lady isn't smiling !!! Trust me, anyone that said anything like that to me would get an earfull, which is axactly what you did...good job !!!

 

[abbylukesmom]

Way to go Sara!!
I'm sorry you had such a rough day, but extremely glad you stood up for yourself & your son. People can be soooooo rude!

My son is not autistic, but he has alot of meltdowns because of his medications. The first time it happened he was 2 1/2, we were at the grocery store with my DD & my infant nephew whom I was babysitting. All at once all **** broke loose. I was so miserably embarassed I left the store as quickly as I could, beet red. Now I have learned how to deal with it, & I don't care what anyone else thinks! Luke wears a helmet to protect his head so he looks a little different.

I'm sure that lady is still thinking on her insensitivity!

 

[cog]

Here's a hug for you hon.
I think there are casual observers out there in the world that have seen not so hot parenting a bit too much and have started to generalize. (by not so hot, I mean the moms that ignore exhausted, crying baby in strollerville and keep on shopping for that perfect swimsuit for a couple more hours... or dad that gets angry and starts beating junior to within an inch of his life in the frozen food aisle.) It's always important that, if we must make judgements (and the world is so much nicer without them, btw), we should make them with a smidge more info. Here's to all good moms! It's a damned hard job! The pay flat out stinks. The rewards are all in that amazing person you're making. You take yourself a deep breath and know you're justified in one little well-worded blow out with a big yapped generalizer who will surely never do that again.

 

[Selket]

The only thing that gets me upset is the parent who makes their kids cry by yelling at them (or worse whacking them) in the grocery store. I can't believe someone actually came up to you in the store and said something.

William was recently on some steriod medication for his asthma and he seemed very prone to meltdowns and was just inconsolable practically - plus he is diabetic so it made his blood glucose levels run very high and it was a challenge to keep them down (running high makes him upset too). I hadn't ever seen him like that and it was definitely a challenge!

Hopefully you transferred the magnetism to her so she can attract the stupid comments from now on

 

[minkydog]

You go,girl! You just said everything that i have always wanted to say. She may or may not have deserved the "full load" but i guarantee you that lady will think twice before she tries that trick again(and so will everyone else in ear shot).

 

[TiggerCate]

Oh my gosh, that is awesome!! I just had a mini-moment (meaning not too horrible but slightly uncomfortable) today when my ASD DS 10 went down a slide at the park while a woman's toddler was going up. She started getting a nasty tone to her voice when telling DS to stop and started to grab him a little bit. I just said, "he's autistic" and she shut up and apologized. (I did have a talk with DS about slide etiquette immediately afterwards but I wasn't close enough to stop him at the time.) I bow down to you- I would never have had the guts to say that, but I wish I did!!

 

[TiggerCate]

PS- I love those cake type cookies with frosting, myself- and would be likely to have a meltdown myself over them!

 

[Cheshire Figment]

Sara -- Are you taking hints from me again? -- Uncle Mike

p.s. I would have commented sooner but I'm in Chicago for Joy's graduation party.

 

[JudithM]

Sara, good for you! No one will fight as hard for a child as the parent! I bet you not only taught that lady a lesson, but everyone nearby, too.

 

[Brightsy]

Thanks for all the support folks!
You are all, by and large, a wonderful group of people and I am SO glad I listened to my Uncle Mike and signed up here!
I swear I've learned more and gotten more support and luv here than any "live" support group I've been to yet.
*happy sigh*
Anyways, little update. Today was a much better day. The boys actually sat all the way through Madagascar! They got a little antsy towards the end but seemed to like it.
Only thing is Sammy got a bit upset because we kept on sitting there until the credits were all over. Vinny has a thing about seeing thecredits. Whenever we see a movie, at home or in a theater he HAS to watch the credits. He gets very upset if we try to leave or turn the movie off before the screen blanks out. *shrug* Just another oddity. Anyways, this time I placated Sammy by telling him that if we were lucky there might be a treat at the end of the credits! And there was! LOL! I won't give it away but let's just say ... well, Sammy giggled and said "Guess we'd'a missed that if we left. Ok. It's good."

Sara

 

[Talking Hands]

Vinny has a thing about seeing thecredits. Whenever we see a movie, at home or in a theater he HAS to watch the credits. He gets very upset if we try to leave or turn the movie off before the screen blanks out. *shrug* Just another oddity. Anyways, this time I placated Sammy by telling him that if we were lucky there might be a treat at the end of the credits! And there was! LOL! I won't give it away but let's just say ... well, Sammy giggled and said "Guess we'd'a missed that if we left. Ok. It's good."
Sara

I have to see all the credits as well and I am not autistic that I know of. Just isn't over if I don't see the credits.

 

[TiggerCate]

My DS wants to see the credits, too. It's gotten better recently, but in the past if you turned something off before the credits were over, it was heck to pay!

 

[SueM in MN]

I have to see all the credits as well and I am not autistic that I know of. Just isn't over if I don't see the credits.

I like to sit through the credits too (along with my oldest DD). Youngest DD is OK with it.
My oldest DD is an artist and likes to see how they arranged the graphics and see credit given to the artists who made the film.

 

[roseprincess]

Brightsy,
Amen, sister! I'm glad you explained to the lady at the store how you felt.

I have 8yr. old special needs twins. My 8yr. old. dd is not autistic, but she has a heart condition and is mildly- mod. developmentally delayed. She has tons of meltdowns and tantrums at home and in public when she doesn't get her way. She is extremely strong-willed. She has tantrums in public when she is looking for attention, also. My 8yr. old ds is h.f. autistic, but doesn't have the meltdowns my dd has. A few days ago, I took them to a park that has fountains, water spraying out, that the kids can play at. After about 1/2 hr there, my dd had a screaming fit with another child. I don't know what exactly happened since there were tons of kids there in this one area, but my dd just went nuts! I had to take her away from the boy and the area. Thank God the mom of the other child didn't get upset that my dd was screaming at her son. Also, when I was trying to get my ds and dd out of there so we can leave to go home, my dd had a HUGE tantrum. She didn't want to leave. She just screams and looks at other people to get their attention,while she is screaming. I try to ignore the stares that I get from other people. Fortunately,I haven't been approached by other people in public about my dd's behavior. This is not the first time she has exhibited these tantrums. I'm sure the day will come when I will be approached by a stranger about my dd's behavior.

Re: About the watching of credits til the end. My ds who is also h.f. autistic is heavily into watching the credits,too because of the movie symbols. For example, the MGM symbol or Universal symbol,etc. My ds has to know what the "symbol" is of every movie he watches on TV and at the theaters. He's been into all this for quite awhile. It is an autistic thing, the symbol thing. I have heard of other autistic children where I live do the same thing.


Rosemarie

 

[Brightsy]

Ok. That makes sense to me! I kinda thunk it might be something like that. A few of the parents of Vinny's school mates said the same thing. I guess it's just another thing that makes our kids so interesting. Living w/ my boys sure is making me learn to look at the world in a whole 'nother way.

Sara

Brightsy,
(snip)
Re: About the watching of credits til the end. My ds who is also h.f. autistic is heavily into watching the credits,too because of the movie symbols. For example, the MGM symbol or Universal symbol,etc. My ds has to know what the "symbol" is of every movie he watches on TV and at the theaters. He's been into all this for quite awhile. It is an autistic thing, the symbol thing. I have heard of other autistic children where I live do the same thing.

 

[Chicago526]

As a person with no friend or relative with a disability (I like to read posts here to have a better idea of how people cope or handle WDW when other challenges are involved), I just want to say how amazed I am with the good job that you do as parents, and the junk you have to put up with from people, schools, hotels, airlines, and other business.

I also wanted to say, that I never judge any parent with a screaming child. I just say to myself "my, someone is having a bad day!" and try to tune it out. The only time I get annoyed is in a restaurant or movie theater and the parent makes no attempt to correct and/or remove the child. In the future I'll try to be more understanding in those situations too, you just never know!

 

[Accentuate+]

I, too, do not have a special needs family member but came ended up in this forum because there were posts on how a pooh-sized person would fare at Disney.

I'm amazed at some of the challenges faced and especially challenges overcome to ensure everyone can enjoy Disney. Just want to echo the previous poster's take on a child who (at least at first glance) appears to be misbehaving in public. Any child can have a bad day - from temper tantrums to throwing food in a restaurant. As long as the parent seems concerned and is at least trying to make things better then I empathize with the parent and try and give them an encouraging look or, if appropriate, offer to help.

Now, the parents chatting away while their darling princess is up to her elbow in the cole slaw at the salad bar and give no more notice than a giggly "oh, honey don't do that" - they get the glares.

 

[roseprincess]

Chicago 526 and Accentuate+,
Thanks for your posts and understanding us.

Rosemarie