OT-step-family advice needed please

[jaxpooh]

When I met my husband in 1999 I had two daughters ages 10 and 8 from a previous marriage, he had never been married and had no children. His family accepted my girls as their own granddaughters, nieces, etc at the time. About three years later my husband and I had a son, and the next year we adopted a 12 year old daughter. Now that he has his "own" kids, his family now acts like the older girls don't exist. On Christmas they all 4 gets gifts, but it is obvious they favor the last two kids. On birthdays they either only acknowledge the last two kids, or get nice stuff for them and tiny trinkets for the older girls. Now they have started calling to ask if the daughter we have together can come over for the weekend and do not ask the other girls, or as an after-thought say oh, they can come some other time. When the youngest daughter does go with them she comes home with all kinds of gifts, yet they took back my oldest daughter's Christmas gift last year to get a smaller size and have yet to replace it. The older two girls do not show a lot of affection towards them because they feel like they are no longer important. Now, the older two are into dating, friends etc and would not want to go anyway(hard to get them to spend time with their own mom sometimes<G>), but they would like to be invited and have the option to say no. My husband's parents have asked our (my birth child his DSD) 17 year old to come over in the next couple of weekends and she doesn't really want to because she feels as they are just asking her to make me happy, because I have said treat them all the same. I can't even see one of them going to stay with my parents or their paternal grandmother unless they thought they were really needed for assistance, so how can I make them go to their step-father's parents house. I feel like if I make her go she is going to have attitude and just make the relationship worse, if that is possible. Yet if she does not go, how can I fuss that they are giving preferential treatment to the daughter we have together. I am so confused, this extended family stuff if so difficult, and was much easier before we had kids together, and before the oldest two got in to dating and their own lives. Any advice?

 

[mom2grace]

Would there be an activity they could do together instead of just going over to their house?

Do the 2 older girls have activities that the grandparents could come to watch?

Does it affect your kids relationships with each other? If it doesn't, I think I would leave it alone. Your big girls are probably old enough to know this is how the world works, although it hurts and is yucky for them!

 

[jaxpooh]

None of the girls are in any activities. The oldest recently graduated from high school and my husband's dad and sister came to the ceremony, but not to the party after, and nobody else in his family came at all. I kind of feel like the youngest daughter only goes because she has no social life and it's a way to get out of the house. The girls are 18, 17, and 16 so they are all old enough to want to do stuff on their own, the youngest if just always in trouble and grounded
I think we are going to compromise and the 17 year old might go for the day, just not spend the night, so she can still ahve time with her best friend and boyfriend.

 

[mom2grace]

Another thought is do your daughters really want to have a relationship with these grandparents? If they do, they should work to maintain it, no teenagers want to hang out with their grandparents, but if your DD's take the first step, it might make things more pleasant. If they don't, then don't worry about it!

 

[3princesses+aprince]

I know this is tough. I have 3 biological daughters with dh and an 11yr old stepson. Sometimes the fairness isn't always there. I have been with dh since dss was 2, I have sat down with some family members, and told them , this is my stepson, he is completely in my life, and things will be fair. It seems to have went well, I can't really complain now. But sometimes you just have to put things in perspective. Has your husband said anything to his parents.
Maybe She can take your daughters to the movies one weekend, just something little that everyone will enjoy. And like you said, they not really into going out with grandmas anyway right now, so let it be Good Luck, I know how things can be.

 

[bumbershoot]

Well...my brother and I were younger than your kids were when we gained stepgrandparents. They were nice, and when we were still young, we visited them often.

But as we aged, it just became less important. And I think it's natural, in all but the most conscientious gift-givers, to have gifts be bigger if everyone is seeing each other often, but diminish as distance develops.

Funny, I have a memory of them getting me a cute outfit, but something happened to it right after I put it on...they were going to exchange it, but I never did get it. Cute outfit, too! Goes along with the smaller size story.

If your kids don't want to see them, then eventually the visiting offers WILL stop. No one wants to invite someone time and time again when they are just going to hear "no" in response. And this "hey would like to be invited and have the option to say no" just makes me cringe. Sounds like they WILL say no, so gosh, even as a stepgrandchild, I can understand why they aren't being invited!

Presents are also MUCH harder as kids grow up! When you're little, little things make you happy. Toys, play ponies, clothes...they make a kid happy. But as the teen years hit, what on EARTH would you get someone you hardly know anymore? Same thing happened to me and my brother...we all just distanced from each other as my brother and I aged, and we didnt' get presents anymore. No big deal; I hardly ever got presents from my bio grandmothers, either (we lived far away)!


If your first girls have no interest in going, I don't think they should want to be invited. If deep down they want to be invited, then they need to say YES, or even invite themselves, and be excited (as much as a teenage girl can be excited about family, LOL...but you know what? with grandparents you are EXPECTED to be chipper, the sullen thing really shouldn't be OK, IMO). Be happy during the visit, have some talks with their stepgrandparents, everyone needs to get to know each other again! That way your in laws can figure out what on earth the girls might want as presents, too.

And just b/c every post I type must be a novel, LOL, I wanted to give "the rest of the story". All of my grandparents are gone, now, except for my step grandmother. And even though I haven't seen her in decades, when I got engaged she sent a card and present, when I got married she sent the same, when I had my son she sent the same...and just recently, if she hadn't been going out of the country the morning that we were traveling...we would have stopped in at her cottage instead of staying at a hotel on a long drive! So just b/c it is strained right now, doesn't mean it will always be.

 

[Happy vacationer]

You don't mention if the girls have a relationship with the paternal grandparents. If they do they probably realize that they have a different relationship with your husbands parents than they do their paternal/maternal Grandparents. Even if they don't have a relationship with the paternal grandparents chances are they don't feel bad because they are old enough to understand the bigger picture. I would suspect that they know they are loved and that's about as good as you can do for any teenager. As far as gift giving, maybe your in-laws feel that the older girls get more from other grandparents and don't think by spending more on your husbands children w/you is jipping your first 2 girls. I have no idea if that is even close to your situation but just trying to think of reasons they would do it.

 

[Skyw]

This is a tough one. You can't change people, so I would just be honest with your kids about what is going on and let them do whatever they feel comfortable with. I was always uncomfortable with my step grandparents. I just didn't have the bond with them because they came into my life at an older age. I was OK with the smaller gifts (i was a preteen...I understood) and the limited contact. I didn't resent my other siblings either.

 

[LadyShea]

In both of our families (even though in all other ways they are vastly different) gifts, visits and such seem to naturally taper off as each child ages, so the littlelest ones always get much more attention than the teens.

This isn't official family policy or anything, it seems to just happen. The adults and older teens do not exchange birthday gifts, for example, though we may have dinners etc. and each teen/young adult starts communicating with extended family on their own, rather than as a "child".

I guess what I am trying to say is you may be reading more into it than is actually the case. It may have less to due with step- status than it does with the fact that the girls are almost adults now and maybe are expected to start navigating their own relationships.

Talk with your husband about his own teen years and see if this isn't common in that family.

 

[brymolmom]

I am a step-aunt to my sister's only kids (3 stepkids aged (now) 21, 19 and 19) they were about 7 or so years younger when they came into our lives.

One question that I'm not sure if it has been asked - how do your girls treat their step-relatives? I know that my sister's kids like me and say 'hi' and all of that - but honestly - they were old enough to 'know' that I'm not an aunt like their moms and dads siblings, and that I'm 'just' a step. Now, some step families have very close relationships with stepkids, but in this case - honestly, my step nieces and nephew don't want another aunt and don't treat me like I am one. So, I guess what I'm saying is that it works both ways - do your girls call/buy/make gifts for your dh's family on their birthdays? Do they ask to go over to make cookies or ask that you invite them over to do some 'family' things together?

I'm sure age is a big part of it - them being old enough to have their own lives outside of the family - but truly, it might also be that the vibes dh's family is getting is one of 'politeness' but not 'family'. And personally I don't intrude into my nieces and nephew's lives any farther than I feel they WANT me there.