OT: Scared me...my DS and stranger...

[samano]

My 5-year old did the exact opposite this morning of what I've always told him to do if approached by a stranger. I don't think there were bad intentions on the part of the stranger (thank God!!!), but it has had me shaken all day. In spite of the many times we've had 'the talk' about strangers and what to do, it completely freaked me out that DS didn't do any of the things we've talked about.

Question - does anyone know of any good stranger danger videos that i could order? i'm headed to Target in a minute and will check to see what they have, but if anyone has a link for one i could order online, i would appreciate it!!

 

[all4fun]

I've seen this one about stranger danger advertized on TV:

http://www.mypreciouskid.com/stranger-danger.html

It was created by John Walsh (America's Most Wanted) & Baby Einstein's Julie Clark.

Whatever you get, post back and let us know what you think about it. I'd be interested to know.

Cheryl

 

[AnaheimGirl]

My kids (3 and 8) enjoy watching the SafeSide DVD. It's done by John Walsh and the woman who created Baby Einstein. I like it because it keeps their attention, and they won't learn if they won't watch it.

This video refers to strangers as "Don't Knows", because some think the word "stranger" is too abstract for young kids. This is supposed to make it more clear to them who is a stranger and who is not.

My kids haven't been in a situation yet where they've needed to put the mesasge into practice, so I don't know for sure if they would or not.

I'm sorry this happened. It must have been very scary.

 

[Mom to Jordan]

Tell us what happened. Perhaps it will help someone else to reinfore what they need to talk with thier children about. What i have discovered over the years with preschool age kids is that you just can not count on them to remember what to do in dangerous situations. You just keep telling them, but you have to be careful not to scare them. Supervision at all time seems to be the only safe way with really young kids. I am so sorry that you had a scare. Try to use it to talk with her about what to do different next time. One thing I also have realized is that preschool age kids have no idea who is and who is not a stranger. That makes it even harder. Our rule at that age was that unless you know the persons name you can only talk to them if you are with mom and dad. Certainly not fool proof but....

JOrdan's mom

 

[samano]

Thanks for your quick replies. I just ordered this video from Amazon, and will post again after we've watched it together.

I got all choked up when I was originally posting, still thinking about how different today's outcome could have been, and was unable to go in to detail. I'm a little calmer now.

We were headed out the house this morning in our usual rush, and I sent DD9 and DS5 out to the car ahead of me (car parked in my driveway directly in front of my front door.) I'm standing in the foyer with the front door wide open, glass storm door is closed. I cannot find the shoes I thought were by the door, so I popped the trunk of the car with my keys from inside and told my daughter to look in there for my shoes. I turned my back to the door to pick up my purse, bag, coffee, slip on different shoes. In those 30 seconds or so, a man was walking down my street passing out fliers for some new alteration shop. He stopped at the end of my driveway and asked my kids to give the flyer to their mom. DS5 runs down to the end of the driveway to get the flier. My view of the kids was blocked by the open trunk, so even standing right there I saw none of this. To add insult to injury, my DD9 leaves her brother with the stranger at the end of the driveway and starts walking toward the house to tell me that she found my shoes. When I walk out the front door, I see the man putting a flyer on my next door neighbors mailbox, my DS5 is standing behind the car where I cannot see him. I casually say to DD9 - why is your brother not in the car? Her reply - HE WAS TALKING WITH THAT MAN!! My heart sank to my toes. I don't know which was worse, DS5 going to talk to the stranger, or DD9 thinking nothing of it.

At any rate, I know how terrible things can happen in the blink of an eye, and maybe I just needed a reminder to stress the importance of these things to BOTH of my kids. DD9 is so protective usually of her little brother, that I have let my guard down some with the idea of safety in numbers. Today was a wake up call though!!

Anyway, sorry to ramble on and on....but I guess I needed to get that off my chest. I hope that all who are reading are reminded to talk to their kids AGAIN about safety!!!

 

[momsully]

We also have the Safe Side DVD and my boys love it. They are 7 and 4 and have watched it numerous times. I even bought an extra copy and donated it to DS4 preschool. We have never had a real life experience but have discussed the video and talked about what they should do in different situations.

 

[Hannathy]

I'm not sure why you are so upset. The man was walking he wasn't leaning out of a running car and you were in the doorway. I think you are over reacting. this is my oppinion so no one needs to flame me but I really think we are going overboard lately. This kind of thing happens in our neighborhood all the time.

 

[minkydog]

I'm not sure why you are so upset. The man was walking he wasn't leaning out of a running car and you were in the doorway. I think you are over reacting. this is my oppinion so no one needs to flame me but I really think we are going overboard lately. This kind of thing happens in our neighborhood all the time.

No flames, but i do understand why this mom was so upset--her child didn't respond the way she had taught him to. If the neighborhood is generally safe,I'm sure the kids just thought it was a man passing out fliers, not Jack the Ripper. Now the fact that these are children and children often don't respond to strangers with fear, is beside the point. This was a nice stranger, but it could have been one of those "let's go find my lost puppy" strangers.

One anecdote before I go: One time I was home alone,standing in my carport unloading the trunkfull of groceries. It was the middle of the day and I live in a very quiet, safe neighborhood. I heard something behind me and turned around to see two teenage boys walking past my driveway with shotguns over their shoulders. One of them made eye contact, but did not smile. I was so stunned with fear I didn't know what to do--and I'm 49!! They passed and I went into the house and called 911. Even then I was not sure what to say ("Two guys walking down my street with guns?...") Anyway, the police came, caught teh boys breaking into a house, off to jail, etc.

I cannot tell you how upset I was, though. My safe, cozy world had been invaded by teens with guns. Teens burglarizing my neighbors' home. I thank God my kids weren't at home because I was really a mess, and the boys didn't even approach me.

OP, don't blame yourself. Your child reacted the way most kids of that age would react. You didn't fail to teach them properly; they're young kids. They don't know to fear strangers in their driveway(that's probably a good thing). As another poster said, there is a fine line between teaching them stranger danger and making them fearful of the unknown. I wish you well and offer you a cuppa hot tea to settle your nerves.

 

[samano]

No flames, but i do understand why this mom was so upset--her child didn't respond the way she had taught him to.

Thanks, minkydog... you said it perfectly. I sincerely believe this man was passing out fliers, I dismissed him as a threat in my mind immediately. My concern is that a 5 year old is not qualified to make this determination. That's why we teach our kids not to talk to strangers. It puts them in a vulnerable position.
Today was the first occasion ever to present itself where my son was not "with" me and was summoned by a complete stranger, and to me, it was gut wrenching to know that he would go.
I'm off for that cup of hot tea!!
ETA- I cannot imagine seeing someone walking down my street with guns!!!

 

[famofsix]

Hi there...we do something I learned from the fire department educational talks called check first. I tell my kids that adults should ask other adults if they need help (whether it is passing out a flier or looking for a pet). I tell them sometimes adults will forget this rule and ask a child a question. If this happens, they must check first with me, dad or the responsible adult looking after them if someone they do not know or they do know needs ANY kind of help.
Most abductions are by people who have some familiarity with a child so the Check first policy even goes for people that my kids do know.
I think there is a berenstain bears book about stranger danger too.
It is likely your child reacted the way he did because we adults talk to strangers all the time (at the grocery store, on the dis board, in our nieghborhoods) so reinforce the check first with the kids and talk about why sometimes it's ok to talk to "strangers".
We also role play what to do from time to time. My kids pretend to be a person looking for a lost dog etc. I try to tell them that most people don't have bad intentions but that check first will keep them safe.

 

[KJMAX1]

We do the "ask your Mom first" thing too. My kids dont always follow and thats why we have to be vigilant. The Polly Klaus website has a ton of helpful things to order as well. Kids naturally want to help, and be made to feel important. I think your 5yr old did a typical response, so dont feel too bad. Its more likely your child would be harmed by someone they knew. Thats how most abductions, molestations, and physical crimes are committed. I know in the stores, I have to follow what we have trained our children. A lot of times the checker will offer my kids stickers or want to chat. I interject into the conversation, and remind my kids to ask me first. Some checkers get POed, and others are obviously mothers, or feel the same way, because they back me up. I dont care if anyone else gets angry, I am giving my kids a safe approach to strangers. My thing is, my kids wouldnt have to do this if people would stop violating them. So I will stop when there are no more victims..

 

[samano]

I like the check first approach.....reinforcing that even when they are with me is a great tool. We had a long talk again last night about strangers, who they are, and what to do. It saddens me as well that there are so many predators out there...
Thank you for all the support and advice, you guys are great!!

 

[disneymom3]

We do the check first thing too. Long ago when DD was about three, we went to one of those indoor play mazes and I stood at the door and told her, do not go past this door without me unless you ask me first. After we were there for a bit, DD comes up to me and says "this little girl wants me to go out there with her." I say, "No, you need to stay in here." Then this random little girl who was at least 8 years old and who we had NEVER seen before starts to argue with me about whether DD should go with her! She saw nothing wrong with this whole scenario. To me, that was really sad, that this 8 yo did not have the self preservation to realize that you should not leave the area you are in with someone you do not know.

OP, I can see why you were freaked out. This has to be one of the hardest messages to get across to our kids. That and how to be nice without being taken advantage of and walked all over. (We are struggling with that right now with our neighbor boy.)

 

[rainy~daze]

It is a sad fact that as a parent, of any age children, we have to worry who may try to take advantage of them. The world is so different than it used ot be. When I was little we lived in the country, no sidewalks no streetlights, and we used ot go off on our own for hours on end, riding bikes, etc. Now I won't let the kids play in the yard alone if the fence isn't locked. It may be paranoia, but when you are watching the news about kids being taken from their own homes, it is hard to trust someone you don't know walking down the street who wants to talk to your young child. Innocent or not, predators can be great actors. My DD3 and I went to the grocery store last week. After we walked in a man walked in right behind us. Every aisle I went down he was there, for 30 minutes. I had a full cart we were checking out and the person behind me let this man in line b/c he only had one thing. After 30 minutes, he had 1 thing. I know it is probably paranoia, but I waited looking through bags so he could leave before us, and he stood at the register another 5 minutes putting away his 20 cents. He finally left, and after I saw him get in his car and drive away I left the store. Overly cautious? Maybe. But I had my DD, a cart full of bags and a walk across the parking lot to get safely in the car. He just gave me the creeps, call me crazy, but I will do everything I can to keep my kids safe. Even if it makes me wait around. I always tell my DH that having kids is the most beautiful thing in the world. I've never known I can love someone, so incredibly much, but be so terrified every second that something can happen to them.

 

[agnes!]

Always, always, ALWAYS trust your gut. If something about a situation doesn't feel quite right, if someone in a store is creeping you out, whatever it is...trust your instincts .

agnes!