OT-Need HELP-Adoption Book??

[Subrbnmommy]

We adopted our DD4 as a baby. Since she was young at adoption, we had no problems with attachment. We've always told her that she's adopted and she's been ok. But, over Easter, my 8 yr old nephew told her that I wasn’t her "Real" Mommy and now she’s really upset. We’re trying to comfort her as best we can but she’s flip flopping between not wanting to be part of our family and wanting to go live with her “real” Mommy and, afraid that somebody’s going to take her away form DH and I and return her to Russia. Since she’s only 4 we don’t know how well she understands what were trying to say to her. We were expecting these issues to pop up but not this soon. Does anybody have a book that they can recommend??

Thanks

 

[pjbeagle]

My DD has the book Katie Bo. She's only 5 and is adopted from Korea. The book is about a little Korean girl who was adopted.

Sorry your nephew used the term "real". You might want to replace the word "real" with "birth" and maybe "mommy" with "mother". Kids are smarter than we adults give them credit for so she should be able to put the two together and know that you're her "real mommy".

 

[camtheriot]

I agree with previous poster - we call her "birth mother" or " the nice lady who had you". My son is adopted from birth (US private adoption) and I have always told him he is adopted. Now, I know boys are wired a little different than girls are, but he has never had any worries about it. One thing I have also always told him, is that God has placed him exactly where He wanted him. I told him that when God formed him in his "birth mother's" belly, He knew she could not take care of him. So, He then set out to look for a mommy and daddy who could take care of him. God searched and searched and found us, and knew that we had been praying and asking Him for a child to love. He caused our paths to cross and put him with us - the exact family He had chosen for him. I really think this has helped my son to feel secure. He doesn't feel like someone may come and take him away one day, because GOD said this is where he belongs. It also helps if you have any family or friends that are older who are adopted that you can let her talk to - it helped my son to feel not so isolated.

One other thing I have done is to refer to all of his pets as being adopted. I think it has helped him to realize that he (much like the animal) is a PERMANENT member of this family.

Hope this helps - Good luck

 

[sl_underwood]

Make sure she knows her birth mother made you a family. That she came from her tummy but she was meant to be in your family. If you are religious,you can tell her that all this was part of God's plan, that God planned for her birthmother to give her life and for you to give her a family. Be honest, speak to her in terms she can understand and continue to talk about adoption, make it part of your life. Keep communication open so that she always feels the subject is okay to discuss. Make sure she knows you are her REAL mom, encourage family to use correct terminology around her to avoid confusion.
Some books I would recommend are
Rosie's Family by Lori Rosove
Over the Moon By Karen Katz
I Wished for You by Marriane Richmond

These books especially the first one are designed to answer the basic questions, no book will describe your situation. You might create a book yourself, write your own story down, use lots of pictures, start off showing your childs native country, explain how you became a family. Put pictures of your first meeting, maybe describe what it was like waiting for her. Chances are your journey took longer than 9 months, but it is in no way less important. Let her know that you moved heaven and earth to make her a part of your family. One thing that we have always told our kids is that they were chosen. DD used to tell other kids when they were negative about her being adopted that we chose her, their parents were stuck with them.

 

[ChillyWilleys]

Not a book but a quick little poem you could tell her:

Not flesh of my flesh
or bone of my bone
but still miraculously my own
Never forget, not for a single minute
You didn't grow under my heart, but in it.

Quick and to the point.

 

[Omma]

All three of my kiddos were born in S. Korea. The girls came home when they were 4 mos old and our son when he was 3 yrs old. We reassure all of our kids by reminding them we are their forever mommy & daddy. No matter what happens we will love them and take care of them forever. When my kids talk about their birthparents or mention missing them (although none of the kids actually remember them) I tell them I am sure their birthparents love and miss them too but I know they are happy their child has a special forever family of their own - just like they planned for them.

Books we like:
Families are Different
A Mother for Choco
Happy Adoption Day
Little Miss Spider (Love the passage at the end - "For finding your mother there's one certain test. You must look for the creature who loves you the best.")

But my kid's favorite books are their lifebooks. If you have not done one I encourage you to do so. Don't start her story when she comes to you - start it the day she was born. Share what you know about her story that you feel is appropriate for her to know at this time. I stressed in each of my children's lifebooks how very much their birthmothers and birthfathers loved them but could not take care of any baby at that time and how they wanted their baby to have a happy forever family. Then I go through the story of how the made it all the way into our arms. These books have gone to school, been cudddled as they sleep, and drug everywhere w/ them. They LOVE to hear their story over and over again.

Adoption is a journey. The questions get harder as they get older. (Our dd - 7 asks things I didn't expect until her teenage years.) We encourage our kids to talk about birthparents, foster families, their birth country. We give them any pictures we have (copies of them, of course), we celebrate their heritage and adoption in general. We also attend Korean Heritage Camp every year. I'm not sure where OP lives, but in Colorado I know there is a Russian Heritage Camp as well every summer. People come from all over the country to attend these special camps for adoptive families. It is a wonderful experience for our children every year.

Feel free to PM me if you would like more info on lifebooks or heritage camps.

 

[Subrbnmommy]

Thanks for the speedy reply.
We have a life book but so far she hasn't shown a real interest in it. We were using the term "nice lady who had you in her tummy" and she was fine with that. Last night when she was crying because of the "real" mother thing I told her that I was her real mother and the other lady was her biological mother. Not the smartest thing, she can't even pronounce the word biological. I'll use birth from now on. I talked to my sister about her son. We've all talked to him about adoption, parenting, birth parents in the past. I thought he knew better.
I'll look up the books on amazon and I like the little poem!

The advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks
ohh, I'm in Canada so pretty far from Colorado. Thanks anyways.

 

[livndisney]

First of all to you and your daughter.

I adopted my daughter when she was 4 from China so we deal with these things everyday!

We have the Shaoey and Dot books and also "I love you like Crazycakes" (LOVE that book). We have also read the "White Swan express"

I don't know if you have Borders bookstores in Canada-but if you do take a look as our store here has a whole section on adoption with books written for different age levels.

 

[deedeetoo]

I don't have a book suggestion for you, but I do want to comment a little. As your dd gets older she will encounter more people who don't look at adoption the same as you and who don't use the same terminology for things as you do.

I have a ds7 who was adopted from Guatemala as an infant. DS doesn't look like the rest of the family so it is obvious to the casual observer that he is adopted and so we get comments. In my experience most people who use the term "real" mother do it because they don't know any other word for it. There is no intent to infer that you are not the child's mother. You do have to prepare your child for unexpected situations such as being asked about her real parents, being asked if she speaks Russian, being asked how much you paid for her, etc. These things do happen and you may not be there when it does.

My ds has recently turned this around on me. Now when he's mad at me (usually because I won't let him have his way about something), he tells me that he's going to go back to Guatemala to his real mother because she's probably nicer then me. And no we don't use the term "real" mother in our house but he has heard it from others and kids know how to push buttons.

 

[Aliceacc]

Take a look at the Tigger Movie!!!

Tigger is determined to find his family tree, assuming that it will be full of tiggers just like him. At the end of the movie, of course, he finds that he is unique and that family is the people who love you, not necessarily people who look like you.

A great book suggestion is A Mother for Choko by Keiko Kazku (OK, I probably messed up the spelling. But the title is accurate ) It's a book along the same lines as the Tigger Movie, except that the child here is a bird.

"My ds has recently turned this around on me. Now when he's mad at me (usually because I won't let him have his way about something), he tells me that he's going to go back to Guatemala to his real mother because she's probably nicer then me. And no we don't use the term "real" mother in our house but he has heard it from others and kids know how to push buttons." And my 9 year old son has tried that once or twice asw well. It's normal and healthy; don't let it make you crazy.

 

[Camno's Mama]

I have not adopted, but I just wanted to send you hugs! Anyway, maybe my advice isn't as credible, but I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents!

I think all of the suggestions people gave are so wonderful. And, as hard as it is, at least it happened when you were around so that you could answer her questions and eventually make her feel better about it. Maybe you could even have your nephew apologize, and explain that he didn't really understand all of it either. Maybe explain to your daughter that, even though he's bigger than she is, he's still just a kid, too.

 

[mommytobug]

DD9 was adopted domestically at birth. We have always told her the story of how she came to our family. I remember rocking her and telling her how we flew on a big airplane and how much her birthmother loved her to choose a good family. I also told her my tummy was broke ( and it is ). We have an open adoption so her birthmother is more "tangible" to her. We visited a few weeks ago. We live in the South and her birthmother lives far North. We were at the beach several years ago with our best friends when my best friend's dd asked her where her "real" mother was. They were painting on the front porch of our condo and dd ran in to ask me. I think I was more hurt than she was. We had a long talk about what a "real" mother is. Who gets up with you in the middle of the night? Who cares for you when you are sick? Who takes you to school? Who cheers for you and supports you no matter what? I do!! She then fully understood what a "real" mother is. We also had this conversation with the little girl who asked. I dont think your nephew was trying to be hurtful. He was being inquisitive (msp) which is what kids do. DD has other children in her class who are adopted (and we are in a small private school) so it has not been an issue. I am sure when she throws that to me later about going to her birthmother when she is mad that her birthmother will tell her to keep her butt where she is! She will tell her I am the MOMMY and she best listen.

 

[Subrbnmommy]

Thanks for everybodies help, advice and support. I feel much better than I did this morning. I just ordered some of the books (& The Tigger Movie) that many of you recommended.
We were expecting the tougher adoption discussions, just not so soon. We were completely caught off guard.
Unfortunately for us, all the adoptive familes that we know have children that are younger then DD4. So our group experience is very limited.

 

[_queenie_]

Kids are smarter than we adults give them credit for

I second that. I think we forget sometimes that small children really do think about things and have complex thoughts, even though sometimes they don't speak about them.

Though this may sound a little silly, but I must say that you're all doing the right thing by telling your kids they were adopted and telling them young (obviously I didn't adopt). A friend of my DH's went through most of his life thinking his parents were his biological mother and father, and found out he was adopted at 39 when his adoptive father was on his death bed! My DD's godmother found out at 9, which is almost just as bad.

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

Just wanted to send a big thanks for all you adoptive parents! I'm a social worker who deals with adoptions every day and it's such a wonderful gift...so thanks!

I am often surprised that adoptive children do not ask MORE questions when they are younger. My DD (age 4!!!) asked her friend (who was adopted from Guatamala) if she was going to ever meet her "birth mother"...(since this is a part of my work life...I have taught her the terms!!!). The friend's adoptive mother was shocked because her daughter has NEVER mentioned her bio parents. She knows that she's adopted but never brings up her life before coming to the US. She didn't even know what my daughter was taking about when she said "birth mother" and she's 6!!! (My daughter went on to explain to her..."you know, the lady who grew you in her belly")

I would like to second the suggestions to work on the life books right from the beginning (with as much pre-adoption material as you can get). These things are so important. I would also suggest that you encourage your child to educate people. If someone now asks her about her "real mother', she has an answer for them...and I think she should correct them. Again, as many above have mentioned, people are not trying to be cruel, they just don't know.

 

[Aliceacc]

The only question we've ever gotten (at least this far) from my 9 year old son:

About 3 years ago, we were out to eat, celebrating his "Gotcha Day." As the check was arriving, he asked "Why didn't my other mother keep me?" We answered as best we could, explaining that she was all by herself without enough money for diapers and formula and stuff.

I figure that regular celebrations of Gotcha Day, in addition to being an occasion worth celebrating, are a good reason to talk about his adoption and the events surrounding it.

For the record, his sisters think it's "SO UNFAIR!!" that we have a family holiday around his adoption, but they don't get the extra holiday. Expecially since he gets to choose the restaurant, and always picks Japanese food. He loves it; his sisters hate it. So it's a two-fer for Brian: good food and a chance to annoy his sisters

 

[Omma]

We celebrate Gotcha Days too! One of the very cool things about being adopted is two special days each year! They get a cake, presents - everything just like a bday. Their friends are always very jealous.

 

[mommytobug]

Just wanted to send a big thanks for all you adoptive parents! I'm a social worker who deals with adoptions every day and it's such a wonderful gift...so thanks!

I am often surprised that adoptive children do not ask MORE questions when they are younger. My DD (age 4!!!) asked her friend (who was adopted from Guatamala) if she was going to ever meet her "birth mother"...(since this is a part of my work life...I have taught her the terms!!!). The friend's adoptive mother was shocked because her daughter has NEVER mentioned her bio parents. She knows that she's adopted but never brings up her life before coming to the US. She didn't even know what my daughter was taking about when she said "birth mother" and she's 6!!! (My daughter went on to explain to her..."you know, the lady who grew you in her belly")

I would like to second the suggestions to work on the life books right from the beginning (with as much pre-adoption material as you can get). These things are so important. I would also suggest that you encourage your child to educate people. If someone now asks her about her "real mother', she has an answer for them...and I think she should correct them. Again, as many above have mentioned, people are not trying to be cruel, they just don't know.

I am a social worker also............and do some work in the adoption field.

 

[Aliceacc]

We celebrate Gotcha Days too! One of the very cool things about being adopted is two special days each year! They get a cake, presents - everything just like a bday. Their friends are always very jealous.

We don't do presents or a cake, just a dinner out and a special song; (Ta ra ra boomsie aye, it's Brian's Gotcha Day....)

By the time we had Brian's 1st Gotcha Day I was already pregnant with his sister. She, of course, was never going to have a Gotcha Day. We decided to make it a celebration of family, as opposed to a celebration of Brian alone.

It works for us

 

[cheepette8]

We adopted our daughters from China, 1 is 4 (adopted at 13 months) and 1 is 5 (adopted last year at 4yrs old). Our 4 year old is constantly asking questions about her adoption. We call her "special mommy". She understands that her "special mommy" carried her in her tummy and that mommy and daddy wanted a baby girl so we came and got her. The only anxiety we had with her (so far) was when I was going to get her sister. She kept asking if I was bringing her "special mommy" here. We explained that we weren't and that she would always live in China. She just kind of dropped it. Our 5 year old believes her mommy is dead. I think that's what the orphanage told her. She never ask any questions.

They both love these books, especially MotherBridge of Love.:

"MotherBridge of Love" - you can google the title and it should come up
"Every Year on your birthday" by Rose Lewis
"The Red Thread. An Adoption Fairy Tale" by Grace Lin

We also celebrate Gotcha Day and referral day. Every year we take a picture of them with their referral picture. It is so fun to see the difference.

Jennifer Cannon