OT- need advise on birthday party invitation ediquette

[Not so Dumbo]

I decided to post this on the family board and not the community board because it can get a little crazy over there and I don't want my thread to turn ugly.

In order to keep with "tradition" (meaning his brother had one at 5 yo) I have to throw my DS4 a 5th birthday party soon. The party will be at our house and will be a couple of hours long and consist of cake/icecream, game, presents and a little free play time. I'd like to keep the party small. So far the guest list consists of DS4, DS7 and two of the neighbor boys. So far so good, but here's where it gets tricky for me. DS wants to invite his 3 friends from his class. DS goes to a special education preschool for his Speech and language impairment. The other kids in his class have a wide range of special needs. The boys that he wants to invite also have speech impairments but no other needs to my knowledge. So would it be alright if I just invited these 3 boys and sent the invitations directly to their houses or would I have to invite all the boys from his class? I don't think he really plays with any of the other kids but getting a straight answer out of DS can be tricky. I know they aren't mean to one another, I think they just kind of ignore each other and do their own thing.

So if I did invite them, I would only be 2 girls away from inviting all the kids from his class and then should I have to invite the whole class? 12 kids.

The special needs that I know of range from Autism, Cerebral Palsy (sp?), and many social imparments that I don't know the diagnosis for. They would, to say the least, be a handful for myself to have to keep control of, but all of them are cognitively aware and alert and I'm afraid that if they found out they weren't invited their feelings would be hurt. So what is proper birthday party ediquette? Has anyone had any expierence with this type of issue? Any teachers out there that have delt with this in their classrooms?

 

[**eeyore**]

Could you invite both the children and their mothers? Then, each child's mother would be there to assist with their own child. Of course, you would really end up with a houseful of people!

I'm sure you would be fine just inviting the 3 boys your son is close friends with at school - I would do as you suggested - send the invitations directly to their home.

 

[emma'smom]

I would just invite his friends (the three children) by sending the invites to their homes- that way it isn't a school thing. Has he been invited to other kid's birthday parties from the class? If not, then you don't have to worry about offending the other students, they haven't worried about offending you son (probably for the same reason your son only selected the three students he did).

 

[jetprincess]

I agree with "Emma's mom". Invite the 3 by sending the invites to their houses. If you still feel you need to invite the class, I would assume that the parents would come too. Honestly, for a 5 year old party, unless I knew the hosting family well, I still wouldn't drop my child off and leave. So, I am assuming that moms of special needs kids would never drop them off at your house either. Also, if you have kids with autism, they may pass on the invite anyways as a lot of sensory stimulation can aggravate them.

 

[Not so Dumbo]

Thanks for the advice. I just didn't want to be insensitive by leaving some kids out when I should have invited them, but it's true that my son hasn't been invited to anyone else's parties either.
I have a small house so inviting their mothers would be helpful but also make for a very crowded house, then I would also have to worry about extra siblings coming along.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

My daughter's school does not allow party invitations to be given out in school. This prevents hurt feelings from those that are not invited. The school asks parents to be on the school directly and it gets sent home in October. It has the names, address and telephone numbers of all families that want to be listed. It makes it easier to set up playdates and send out invitations.
Last year we invited all the girls from her class and it was a big production. This year i would like to keep the party smaller and only invite the friends that she plays with most. I don't feel it's a problem to only invite those children, but i definately would send it to thier home even if the school didn't have that policy. I wasn't invited to alot of parties growing up so i know how it feels tobe left out.

 

[emma'smom]

We always run into the "how many to invite" and "if we invite this child, we should invite this child". This year, we're having the birthday party at a local cooking school (just part of the grocery store) so there is a limit of 12 (including the birthday girl and siblings).

 

[dsnymomof4]

I also agree with just inviting the 3 boys by mailing invitations, but also would expect the parents to stay as well. I personally wouldn't just drop off y 4-5 year-old at someone's house unless I knew them well. And especially if they are special needs, I think it would be to your advantage for them to stay. Hopefully, they won't bring a lot of extra siblings along. Hope it works out well and your son has a very happy birthday!

 

[hollyb]

Are you really just inviting the 3 boys who are more "normal", sorry but that is how your post ended up sounding like. In that case yes just invite the "normal" boys because God forbid the other children are worthless. I am a mother of 2 special needs children and with an attitude like yours I am sure the other childrens parents thank you for NOT inviting their children.

 

[1of6]

I also agree to just invite the 3 boys with a mailed invite. Plan on a parent staying with each of the boys. I would not leave my speech impaired child with someone that was unfamilliar with his speech pattern. I need to know that he would be able to communicate with the parents and would feel comfortable doing so.

My DS5 is also in a special needs speech & lang. room here in Michigan. There are only 2 girls in his room also. Hmmmm...is he one of the 3? Just kidding There are no other special issues in his room.

That being said, he has been invited to a boys only party and several whole class parties. Next year he will have his first "friends" party and I think we will invite the class. He has been with many of these kids since 3. The first graders age out and the "spots" are then filled with 3yr. olds.

 

[momz]

i think it is perfectly ok for you to invite the children your child is friends with and exclude the children who are not friends. i don't see special needs being the issue here. just don't make it associated with the school in any way. consider it a "play-date" with his friends. people do this for birthday parties no matter what the child's "diagnosis" is. you might consider sending a special treat to school on the day of his birthday, just to acknowledge it, but no more than that and no reference to his party should be made at school.

 

[**eeyore**]

Are you really just inviting the 3 boys who are more "normal", sorry but that is how your post ended up sounding like. In that case yes just invite the "normal" boys because God forbid the other children are worthless. I am a mother of 2 special needs children and with an attitude like yours I am sure the other childrens parents thank you for NOT inviting their children.

I'll probably get in trouble for saying this, but I don't think that is what the OP was intending. I think you may have been reading into this too much. I'm sure the OP does not feel that her child is "normal" and that the other children are "worthless".

Just my opinion....

 

[fan_of_small_world]

I'll probably get in trouble for saying this, but I don't think that is what the OP was intending. I think you may have been reading into this too much. I'm sure the OP does not feel that her child is "normal" and that the other children are "worthless".

Just my opinion....

I agree with you...I don't think the OP was trying to say that at all.

OP - don't worry about only inviting just the children he plays with. Believe me, I invited all of my DD's class last year to our house for a Candy Land party. I ended up with about 15 4-year-olds here. Needless to say, we're outsourcing (probably to Build-a-Bear) this year!

 

[Not so Dumbo]

Are you really just inviting the 3 boys who are more "normal", sorry but that is how your post ended up sounding like. In that case yes just invite the "normal" boys because God forbid the other children are worthless. I am a mother of 2 special needs children and with an attitude like yours I am sure the other childrens parents thank you for NOT inviting their children.

oh boy, here we go...... I don't have any problems with children that have special needs. My child has a special need as well. He is speech and language impaired. That is why he is in a special ed class. All of the children in his class are very nice kids, and if at some point my DS would like to invite one of them over I would gladly arrange something. My consern is that having so many children with special needs over at the sametime was more than I could handle. Having a group of "normal" (as you put it) 5 yo over is enough work in itself. I never implied that any child with a special need is worthless however, they do, as you know, require more assistance. That was my consern in inviting potentially 12 of them. I know things can be taken the wrong way very easily through these boards, but please next time maybe you could try giving someone the benefit of the doubt.

 

[belle&beast]

I agree to mail the invitations and ask the parents to call you. That way you san discuss whether or not you want them to stay and what the sibling situation may be. I am a parent of a 5 year old and a preschool speech therapist- any 5 year old can be a handful! Have a great party!