OT: Mother in Law gripe

[brandylouwho]

OK, I must first say that my mother-in-law is kind and loving, even if I don't always see eye to eye with her. but she keeps doing something that drives me nuts and I have all I can do to just keep my mouth shut. I am looking for good ideas on how to address this issue without causing a huge family fight...which seem to be easy to start on this side of the family.

The problem involves kids selling crap (oh- I mean "stuff") for school, daycare, clubs, whatever.

Everytime my nephew has something to sell, he always wants to sell a gazillion to win some grand (and realistically unattainable) prize. And every time instead of buying something from him, my MIL buys something for him instead. She doesn't donate to the cause instead of buying the useless stuff...she buys something for the nephew.

While this really is none of my business, I feel like she goes out of my way to tell me about it! This drives me nuts. I feel that she is missing the entire point of the sales and teaching the nephew the wrong lesson along the way. Afterall, the sales are usually to raise money for something extra (new playground equipiment, an extra field trip, etc.) and the point isn't for the kid the earn some cheap prize...it is to help raise money for the greater good.

In the past I have 1) said nothing and changed the subject 2) mentioned that my grandma hates those sales too, so she donates to the cause instead and 3) have asked her what the fundraiser was raising money for...but she just does not seem to get the hint.

I am wondering if I am being unreasonable...of course I think I am right in my way of thinking, but really she can do whatever she wants with her money. Yet, I can't get over how she keeps telling me about this. Why does she have to tell me? If I didn't hear aobut it all the time, maybe it wouldn't bother me so much.

Has anyone else ran into this sort of thing? Anyone have any good ideas how to politely approach this issue?

So far she has always bought something from our DD and in the future, if she tries to just give her a gift I will tell her flat out that DD doesn't need a prize, she needs donations to the club (or whatever). But right now the situation doesn't invovle our kid...it is the other grandchild.

Thanks for listening to my rant. DH says he agrees with me, but it is his mom, he doesn't want to hear me complain about her. I just gotta get this off my chest so I can let it go!!!

 

[badblackpug]

I hate these fundraisers, too. That was covered in another thread. Unfortunately, the fund raising companies set it up this way, offering the prizes, that is, so that THEY can earn more money (because the fundraising companies DO make a profit) Kids being kids, they just see the great prize. Half the time I don't even know why the school is having these fundraisers, myself. Grandma probably doesn't have any desire or need for the crap being sold herself so she probably just lets the kid pick out what he wants. If you are so against your child getting whatever crap they are selling just politely refuse and say..."Jenny doesn't really need that, we will just donate the money directly to the cause. Thanks" But don't be surprised if your daughter is upset about not getting the prize. Not that I disagree with you, but kids are kids
I, by the way, don't take part in ANY fundraisers that sell useless crap. I will do things like school carnival, bake sale, hoagie sale, but I do not get involved with this order from the company overpriced catalog crap.

 

[lulugirl]

I certainly agree w/ you that what she's doing is silly and annoying.
That said, since it's not your child I just don't see how it's any of your business?

 

[brandylouwho]

lulugirl..you are right, it shouldn't be my business...expect that she tells me about it (every time I swear). It isn't even like I am there when it happens, she must feel it is worthwhile conversation or something. (or maybe she knows how I feel about it and is trying to get me to start an argument...oh gee, I hope not).

And badblackpug...pooh, pooh to the schools and clubs that don't tell you what the fundraising efforts are for...they can at least explain why they are begging for moola.

I have to admit that I am more inclined to buy or give more when there is a stated "cause" for the fundrasier...one in which I see value.

 

[Not so Dumbo]

I would just come right out and tell her (in a VERY careful and loving way) that you don't agree with what she does, the money was ment to go to the school and that you don't want to hear about it anymore.

 

[belle&beast]

I have a difficult MIL and I have learned to pick my battles with her. Is it worth the end consequence? If you think it is, then by all means tell her that you disagree with what she is doing, if not, just keep it to yourself. I have learned that my DH is the one who has to deal with whatever I say and I don't want things to be more difficult with him and his mother- we have come a long way and I don't like to back-pedal. To me, that would not be an issue worth an argument, but that's my opinion and I like to keep peace as much as possible. When it involves your daughter, then it is a different story. Good luck

 

[MSSANDRA]

I agree that this is NOT worth an issue with your MIL. i always picked those battles and they were reserved for health or safety issues with MY child.

As for as fund rasiers, we HATE selling junk. I feel so bad asking people to buy overpriced items for which the school gets such a small percentage. The other problem is that high pressure salesmen come to the school and promise these little children all these wonderful prizes and parties and treats to sale. I HATE that. We strongly support the school and always attend any fund raiser events and dinners. I am vice president of the middle school PTA. I however have limited in the past 9 years the times we have allowed our DS to take part in these sales. Our elementry school often did parties for the kids that sold a certain amount. So unfair. A few times we bought enough so that DS could attend but finally decided we just would not do that any more. My sister and I have picked up our boys early when the big sale winners were having their pizza party and taken them out for pizza. We have also bought a nice toy to replace the JUNk that you get for selling all the items. Now we have allowed him to sell few times with items like cookie dough or fruit.
As i said we very much support the school in lots of ways but choose not to take part in these high pressure sales with children.

Perhaps your SIL feels the same way and your MIL knows that. Whatever the reason , you have a right to kindly decline a "gift" offered to your child to replace her buying but otherwise I say leave it alone.

MSSANDRA

 

[NotUrsula]

Why not just ask her straight out? "Why do you buy something *for* him instead of buying from him?" Maybe she has what seems to her to be a logical reason, but I doubt you'll find out what it is by dint of making oblique comments.

My family does not participate in 3rd party sales fundraisers. Ever. If they want money I will give it to them (and DS will do extra chores around the house to earn it on behalf of his activity), but I will not harass my friends, colleagues and family by asking them to buy anything from my child.

 

[Becky2005]

Now I'm confused...my mom does this and I don't see the problem, so I'm .

Of course, our fundraisers tend to be food, so what happens is my mom asks the kids what flavors/kinds they like, that is the kind she buys and then when the orders come in she turns around and says "oh here you guys can have these". There are some things she keeps for herself but not always.

I'm assuming it's just a Grandma type of thing. My DD is in gymnastics and they are required to sell 20 tubs of cookie dough/items. This year they had volcano cupcakes that my DD really wanted to have. My mom ordered 2 packages of them, we needed to order 3 things to make our 20 min. I had to call my mom to see if she was planning on giving us the cakes or keeping them for herself because that would determine which kind I would buy.

Honestly, if I were a grandma and my grandchild came selling something as a fundraiser, I would probably by something for the child (because I'm the grandma and spoiling them is my job) as opposed to just giving an outright donation. I would think because they asked, there was a specific prize they were trying to achieve, etc... Otherwise, why not just ask for "we are fundraising for XYZ, we are selling this but if there isn't anything you would like would you be willing to give a donation?"

Luckily for me our grade school just outright asks parents for money. We don't do any selling. I have to deal with it for Middle School (but it's magazines and I don't ask anyone for that), gymnastics & scouts though.

Edited: OH wait, I re-read it are you saying MIL just goes buy something from the store for your nephew & not ordering something off the form for your nephew?

I read it as she was ordering something from your nephew and then would turn around and give it to your nephew.

This is your nephew she is buying from though & then complaining to you about it? Is that the problem? Hmm...I guess I would just say "that's nice" and not add anything to it.

 

[keishashadow]

sounds like a kind & giving grandma to me.

nice thing about being a grandparent is that they get to "spoil" the child, then send them on their merry way

.

no flaming intended here (you alone know your family's dynamics & are certainly entitled to feel anyway you choose) but, confused - how does this effect you directly? Are you concerned about the child's welfare or worried that she'll continue the practice w/your family?

i'm sure the childs' parents have a handle on morality, child rearing, etc. & if they didn't want grammie to "send the wrong message" they wouldn't approach her with the sales form to begin with...

btw, unless there is a quota to sell as part of fundraising, we tend to just write a check as an outright donation (to insure my child receives the participation reward) & not be bothered with whatever junk they're selling.

that said, I wish my MIL was still alive (with all her flaws, real & perceived by me).

 

[mama4]

If Gandma is buying something for the nephew from somewhere other than the fundraiser catalog, that would be teaching the child the wrong lesson.

If she is buying from the catalog and giving it to the child, I think that is fine.

However, I also have to agree, unless you are concerned this will eventually affect your immediate family, I wouldn't stress over it. Like another poster stated, respond to her telling you about it with a short "that's nice" and change the subject. If it comes around to her doing the same to your child, you have every right to ask her nicely not to do it.

As for the fundraisers, we must be lucky. Our friends and family look forward to getting the catalogs from our kids. The company our school uses is Sally Foster and the gift wrap/food/gifts are high quality and reasonably priced. I always buy a ton of gift wrap- it lasts a long time and is really nice looking.

 

[dsnymomof4]

Can you get DH to talk to her? Maybe she just doesn't understand that if she bought something FROM him, it would actually help the school and him. It's nice that she wants to make him happy, but I know when my kids are selling something, it makes them happy when people actually buy something form them. And yes, I'm sure the companies are making a profit, but the school does too. With our fundraiser we just did (wrapping paper/candy/etc), the school earned 50% of all sales - that's really good for the school). So, maybe you (or DH) can delicately point out what the purpose of a fundraiser actually is - maybe she really doesn't understand.

 

[brandylouwho]

If Gandma is buying something for the nephew from somewhere other than the fundraiser catalog, that would be teaching the child the wrong lesson.


Grandma is not buying from the fundraiser (I would have no problem with that) and giving it to the kid, she is buying some toy at Walmart (or wherever) and giving it to him since he isn't selling enough to earn the free limo ride or whatever the fundraising company is tantalizing them with this time.

I guess I am really worried more about her doing this with my kid...I see the dealings with the nephew as a preview of what I know I will face soon and am worried about it. Dear MIL has the best intentions sometimes, but is easily hurt and quite frankly immature--throws little fits (she hangs up on DH when she doesn't like what he is saying...I don't have that happen too often on my side of the family). So I know I have to treat her with kids gloves when I disagree.

My BIL and SIL are divorced and...well, this isn't their biggest issue to deal with...so they allow it to happen, that is fine for THEM, but it will not be fine for me.

DH and I thank goodness we live in another town...at least an hours drive away from both our families...we usually get to avoid a lot of the day to day "drama".

I think I just had too much time with them this past weekend and now I am obsessing. And I am pregnant...so a littel bit moody

Thanks for all the advice. I just hope I can keep my cool when this does occur in our family (and I KNOW it will).

 

[all4fun]

I guess I am really worried more about her doing this with my kid...I see the dealings with the nephew as a preview of what I know I will face soon and am worried about it. Dear MIL has the best intentions sometimes, but is easily hurt and quite frankly immature--throws little fits (she hangs up on DH when she doesn't like what he is saying...I don't have that happen too often on my side of the family). So I know I have to treat her with kids gloves when I disagree.

I can certainly see why this behavior would worry you. If I were you when the fundraising comes up with your dd, I would just avoid giving her the catalog. It appears she won't buy anything from it anyway, right? Hopefully there is an easy way to just avoid a confrontation with her about it altogether since one would probably not result in anything good from the sound of it. jmho... hth.

 

[Allison]

Honestly, I don't see anything good coming out of bringing it up and I don't think it is your issue to bring up anyway.

If it was your child, then yes, I would discuss it if it bothers you. Bit it isn't and so it really doesn't matter what you think about it.

Good luck.

 

[shellyfive]

I really don't have an answer to your fundraising question-----but i have a monster-in-law (that's what we fondly call her)so I do sympathize with any/all frustrations on your part. I tried to warn my friend before she became my sis-in law----with the I can't save myself, but I can save others approach, but she married my husband's brother anyway!!! Now everytime she has a problem with her i just give her a look and she says "I know, I know , you tried to warn me!!" My mom told me that I just have to scream into pillows because she did give birth to my husband, her only redeeming grace imho...... I'll pray for you, too!!!!