OT-letting child spend night at Grandparents?

[renae3]

H

 

[mjkacmom]

Honestly, I think you should let her. If your concerns were more serious, such as alcohol abuse, smoking, etc., I wouldn't let them. However, it's one night - if they stay up too late, or eat more sweets than usual, it's really not a big deal, especially since they are getting the chance to spend some real quality time with grandma. How bad is the area? Drive by shootings, or just not very suburban?

My kids LOVE spending the night with their grandparents - it's a special treat. I've left them for more than a week, when we've gone away. I never worried what would happen in an emergency, even when we were on a cruise. I'm just glad that they can have this time together!

 

[mejkjj97]

My DD is 3 and spends the weekend with my parents in Maine about 1 1/2 hours away from where we live. she enjoys this time so much because it's her special time.

this last time my daughter became violently ill (with a stomache bug) and need to be brought to the hospital. My husband just hopped in the car and drove right up. That is the nice thing about being only 1 1/2 hours away, you can still get there if need be.

What about letting her have the only the oldest sleep over?

 

[dizneechic]

My IL's are also an hour away and have had 2 of my 3 spend the night. They have only done it a few times in 4 years, but still it's a nice treat for them - even though the IL's do things very differently than we do at home. My theory is she raised 2 healthy and well adjusted children herself, and while everyone has their faults, the kids have a blast and really look forward to that special time away.

 

[Connerzmom]

I think you need to go with your gut instinct. DH and I have stopped letting my parents kids our son because of some of the stuff they have done when they had him (nothing like drinking, etc....but they totally disregard basic things we tell them---such as they have fed him foods that he can't have and he's gotten sick over it). After months of my mom complaining about never seeing her grandson I told her exactly why they were banned from keeping him (I basically told her that until she could treat us as adults and his parents and follow our guidelines, then she would not be allowed to keep him). So far, she is working on following our "rules" and we are letting her babysit occasionally (no plan for overnight stays anytime in the future).

So, go with your gut. The drive time doesn't seem bad to me but I totally feel you on the "rule-breaking." Maybe just let your oldest go (as he can "tell" her if he doesn't want something or is scared, etc.... more so than your little guy) and then go from there. You may just have to tell her some (not all) of your concerns (just make it nice and hopefully it will help). Good luck in your decision!

 

[Colleen27]

Hi everyone. I know I will get some good advice and thouhts on this topic, so I thought I would post my dilemmna. My mother wants desperately to take my 2 oldest boys, ages 6 and 3 for a sleepover at her house. Okay I am not at all comfortable with this for many reasons. First of all she lives over an hour away in New York, we live in New Jersey. That makes me uneasy knowing they would be so far away if an emergency arose. Second, the area she lives in is not the safest so this of course is worrisome to me too! She feels the area is fine, but it definitely is not the greatest and safest neighborhood. She has plans on taking them to the park, out to eat, etc.
Next in my concerns she is extremely forgetful and falls asleep at the drop of a dime, not too confident about leaving my kids in her hands all alone. On top of that she is very outspoken and basically will do whatever she wants with the kids, regardless of mine or my husbands wishes...example bedtimes, foods, etc. I know this because whenever she babysits she disregards my wishes! So all of those reasons together I do not feel comfortable with a sleepover at all. So she constantly brings it up and I have continually said no...my reason to her is the distance, I am not sure how she would handle the other concers. Yesterday she brought it up again and tried to give me a guilt trip saying everyone lets their kids have sleepover with their grandchildren and how upset she is with me for not agreeing! She then told my oldest how she had a surprise for him when he slept over, but how his mommy and daddy is depriving him and how he is missing out on lots of fun. Of course he wanted to go when she bribed him with a surprise! SHe also told me how everyone thinks I am crazy for not allowing this! SHe obviously talks to many people about this, family and friends.
Sorry to go on for so long but if you are still reading this....am I wrong for feeling the way I do? Please help me and tell me what you think? I thank anyone whe resonds...thanks so much!

Honestly, I think you're micro-managing and worrying too much about this. Part of the fun of being a grandparent is disregarding the normal rules about bedtimes, healthy foods, etc! Certainly those issues would need to be addressed if you were talking about your mom providing daily childcare or something along those lines, but for the occasional babysitting and sleepover, let her enjoy being the doting grandma! She isn't so far away that you couldn't get there if an emergency or even a minor illness arose, and from your wording it doesn't sound like she's living in a ghetto or a warzone, just a neighborhood that is less than the suburban ideal for raising children.

My kids have been spending nights with both sets of grandparents since they were very small. We've never had an emergency arise in probably 50+ nights spent away, and the kids never have a problem transitioning from Grandma's/Nana's rules back to Mom's rules at home. Its not going to do them any permanent harm to have McDonalds for dinner, stay up watching Disney movies until midnight, and make chocolate chip pancakes with stawberries & whipped cream (my FIL's sleepover speciality) for breakfast on those occasional weekends with their grandparents, but the memories they are making will last forever.

 

[stella27]

I agree with the majority. I think you should let them go - or at least the older one. Make sure your 6 yr old knows how to call you if he needs to. And tell him to watch out for his little brother.

But honestly, I don't see why it's a big deal, and I don't blame her for being upset. I have great memories of spending the night or weekend with my grandparents (and one of them was an alcoholic, although I never knew it til I was much, much older), and my grandfather let me drink coffee (mostly mil and sugar) in the mornings and he brought me teh "funny papers" on Sunday mornings...it was a real gift.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

OP- I am on your side. I would not let them go. Not everyone lets their kids sleep at Grandmas. I would also be very mad that she told the kids all that nonsense in an attempt to manipulate the situation. I wouldn't feel bad for telling her no. You don't need to give an explanation. Simply- I said no. The end. Our kids have not had sleepovers. I trust my parents. We just don't feel any need for it. We are not the only people who don't have sleepovers either. If you know that she will not be able to keep them safe etc. then I would not let them go. I also feel like you in that they are my kids and it is my rules. You don't have to understand why we do what we do but for certain things there are no exceptions. Sorry, being a grandmother doesn't mean you get to decide what you want to do "just because". My kids have a ball with their grandparents and I don't micromanage them but sleepovers simply are not part of it. They are not deprived. OP- go with your gut. If you don't want to let them go then don't, and make it clear to your Mom that you will not put up with her putting your kids in the middle again. Period.
Good luck.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I also would let them go. An hour away is nothing. My kids have been spending nights at grandmas since they were infants, plus DH and I go away every year for a week and my mom watches them . Latest was this past March, DH and I traveled to St. Lucia for a week. And last summer my mom and her boyfriend took the kids away for 5 days in their RV. She wanted to take them to the Grand Canyon (we live in PA) . I did say no to that. But they took them to a Yogi Bear park about 2 hours from here.

My mom lets the kids stay up hours past their bedtime, feeds them popcorn, candy, ice cream and whatever else she stocks up on before they come. The kids love to go to my moms and BF's house, because they know mom and dad is not there and they pretty much do as they please. They also conform back to our rules upon returning home.

On rare occasions my inlaws take the kids to their camp about 2 hours away from our home also. The kids love the different environment and its a break for me.

Your mom raised you OK didn't she? I think you should give her a break.

 

[luvmy3jewels]

I have always encouraged my parents and in-laws to have a close relationship with my kids. In my opinion, having a loving extended family is a priceless gift that I can give to my children.

It doesn't sound like your mother would be abusive or neglectful with your kids. One night, an hour away for a 3 and 6 year old shouldn't be that big of a deal. Honestly, your post (to me) sounds like you are trying to find any excuse not to let them go.

 

[powellrj]

I would let them go. Nothing you said indicated she was neglectful or the kids would be in danger. Part of the fun of being a grandparent is to have fun and forget the normal routine for awhile!

 

[HGD24]

Some people are saying there is not a real concern, but the fact that you say that she "falls asleep at the drop of a dime" is a huge concern to me. Maybe not as much for the 6 yr old as the 3 yr old, but even at 6, it's a concern that your son could be left with someone who is not always aware and alert. Maybe she can take them for a few hours one day, but I would not be comfortable with an overnight either - just because of the falling asleep issue.

My dad is older and I have many older relatives who fall asleep with no warning. Dad can be sitting up having a conversation one minute and have his eyes closed, catnapping the next, all the while, sitting up. There could be people in the room talking, the tv is on and kids running around - he still falls asleep in the middle of the chaos.

 

[adventure_woman]

I say go with your gut. I think each of us has 'mother's instinct' and we need to go with what we feel. I probably wouldn't let my kids stay with her either. My DD2 stays the night once in a while at my mom's, but I will not let her stay on my MILs. I have to feel totally comfortable and not have any worries about it, and because I just have 'that' feeling, NOPE. Gosh forbid if something happened, and because I had that feeling, I would never forgive myself.

 

[mjkacmom]

Another thing to consider is that it's good practice for later sleepovers. I knew dd12 would be comfortable at her 6th grade 3 day camping trip, and this weekend she's going overnight to hershey with her concert choir. She knows that just because we're not there, she's still safe, so she's not nervous.

 

[CLEO Z]

Another vote for the majority thus far. Of course my folks are over 11 hrs away and may ILs over 8 hrs away. I would LOVE to have them closer for more frequent stays. I also let my daughter, at age 3.5, stay with my mom and MIL for a combined consecutive stay of over 2 weeks. My daughter had the best time! Last year she and her 4 yr old brother spent just over a week in the midwest without us. DH and I did a quick get away and then came home to an empty house for a few days. It really recharged our batteries.

Most of my grandparents died young and I have no memories of them. This is the time for your kids to make those memories with your mom.

Take a step back for a minute. Do you really feel your mom will abuse or neglect your children?? Keep in mind that neglect isn't staying up late or having sugar. Thats a treat and a break from routine. IF, on the other hand, you DO seriously believe that your mother poses a risk to their health, then stay firm with no overnights. There is control for control's sake and then their is mama bear protecting her cubs from a real threat. Only you know in your heart which situation you are in.

We DISers give the requested opinions, but you make the decisions. Best thoughts to you!!

 

[Mkrop]

OP I dont understand the difference if she is capable of basysitting for you then what is the difference with a sleepover???? Couldnt she fall asleep if she was just watching them for a short period of time, either in your home or her home? Either you trust her to watch them or you dont, JMHO. Maybe just send the 6 year old and see how it goes.

 

[fussymonkey]

I would have said to let them go, however, once Grandma started to manipulate the kids to get her way, all bets are off.

My mom was very forgetful, and I wouldn't have let my kids spend the night at her house either. My mom would do things like leave her heart and blood sugar medications laying around where my toddler can reach them. Totally unintentional, but could have caused a terrible accident. If you have real reason to fear for your kids safety, then maybe you can offer to go spend the night there too, just kind of get out of her way and let her do whatever she wants with the kids, but be there in case anything happens? Its hard to find the balance of keeping your kids safe vs. making sure they have the close relationship with thier grandma.

In addtion to all that, trying to undermine your authroity by bribing the kids would be a total deal breaker for me. Your mom needs to understand that is 100% unacceptable. I've seen so many families where the grandparents do this and there is absolutely no way I'd tolerate it.

 

[3babyws]

Why don't you have her do the sleepover thing at your house? You can go out to dinner and a movie with your hubby while she has fun grandkid time in the safety and comfort of your home. It is a win win situation. She gets the alone fun time with the kiddos and you get your peace of mind and a date. I grew up far away from my grandparents and love the fact that my kids are close enough to theirs to have regular visits and lots of extra love. Every child can benefit from the extra special love a grandparent can provide. I am actually jealous of their relationship, not really, but they just get to love them and spoil them and I actually have to worry about how they turn out. Grandparents are great for kids.

 

[bookgirl]

If all those things were a concern then why do you let her babysit? I'd actually agree with not letting them spend the night for safety concers except that when you need a babysitter it seems to be "okay" for her to be with them. If she's responsible enough to babysit then I can't see how you can refuse a sleepover.

As far as forbidden food and no bedtimes, that's kinda the purpose of sleepovers and grandmas. It's only one night and lack of sleep and some sugar won't hurt them unless there's some medical reason.

 

[renae3]

Thanks for all the replies so far, they are really helpful. As to letting her babysit, I haven't done that in over 2 years due to my concerns. I think I have let her watch my 3 year old one time only to worry constantly the whole time I was out. Yes I agree she wouldn't abuse them or hurt them intentionally. I guess my main concern is the safety....she has left out her medications on the counter in the past, only to have them fall on the floor for my youngest to find! Luckily I was right there and grabbed them from his hand. She has their best interest but the sleeping and forgetfullness is very scary. She vists us a few times a month and always falls asleep, sometimes while talking to the kids, once while holding my 8 month old, thats all very scary to me. On the forgetful side, I once went to her house for dinner with the kids and she had 4 friends there also who got to meet both boys. I ended up getting a xmas card a few months later from my moms friend saying how nice it was to meet the boys finally. My mother read the card and said when did they meet the boys, after explaining it was 2 months ago at your house she kept going on and on how that never happened and how she didn't remember it at all! I thought that was alarming, and that point I realized she had major forgetfullness.

I seem to think she can have all the memories by having quality time when she visits, why does she feel the need to have a sleepover so badly? Part of it is she want to show the boys off to all of her friends and have them on her turf I guess. And yes the manipulativeness is nothing new, she often says things that she shouldn't to the boys! Thanks for all the advice, please keep it coming!