OT - Kids confessing to misdeeds they didn't commit?

[NotUrsula]

I've got a parenting dilemma. DS (10) came home yesterday and told us he got into trouble at school -- in aftercare -- for an act of minor vandalism that he didn't commit. (Someone "decorated" the entire boy's restroom with urine.) The proctor was very angry, of course, so she sat all the boys down and gave them the "no one moves until someone confesses, if it takes all night" speech. 15 minutes into that staring contest, DS caved and confessed, because he really thought that the proctor could make them stay in their chairs all night. (He says that the child who he believes actually did it had already been picked up by his parents when the mess was discovered.) As punishment, DS had to scrub the boy's room before we could take him home.

Today the principal hears about the incident, and DS is called in and given the riot act, plus the additional punishment of having to mop all of the boy's restrooms for a week. (Naturally, since he confessed yesterday, she didn't believe him when he tried to tell her that he really didn't do it.) Word got out via the other kids in aftercare, and now his classmates and his teacher are teasing him about not being able to hit a toilet.

Now, DS is no angel, and he's done plenty of stupid things in his time (including locking another child in the boy's room because that child was teasing him), but I'm as sure as I can be that this is one stunt he didn't do. He *HATES* smelly bathrooms, and is disgusted any time he encounters urine where it doesn't belong. Besides that, he's really a rotten liar.

I don't mind that he's being punished, because he *did* lie to a teacher by confessing, but he doesn't deserve the embarrassing reputation he's getting over this. Also, I'm concerned that since the entire school knows about it, the next time someone does this, they may decide to have DS take the rap, and would be believed because of prior history.

I want to speak to his principal about this and get her to understand that she has the wrong culprit. I don't want to ask that the punishment be rescinded, but I think it is important that she know that the real culprit is someone else.
DH says that it's pointless and will only earn us a rep as problem parents, so he thinks we should let the whole business stand as is, and have DS take it as a lesson learned.

Opinions?

 

[brymolmom]

WOW - this brings back memories (not good ones) from my own childhood.

I was in 7th grade taking a test. We had desks with books in them in our classrooms and even though I didn't need to look in the book that was accidentally in the desk where I was sitting (it was a vocabulary test and I knew it all - but sometimes it was embarrassing to be the 'one' to know the answers so I was trying to act cool). Anyway - I wrote a note to the person whose desk it was saying 'thanks for letting me use your book'. Well, no shock- the teacher discovered the note and thought (rightly so since that was what I had 'admitted' to doing with the note) that I was a cheater. I was mortified, had to apologize, was not well liked by the teacher for a long while, got an F for that test and my parents were informed. What was I going to say 'I lied, I didn't do it'?? SO, I took my medicine and did all that was required and learned a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE lesson all the while. All the way up through college and into the work world - I have been so against cheating in any way, shape or form because I have felt what it is like to be a 'cheater' and I did not like it one bit. I still remember that feeling like it was yesterday and I am 35 years old today.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to tell you is the bright side - even though ds has gotten himself into a very difficult situation, I'm guessing he does not like the current feeling and will take that with him throughout the next years...possibly making him think twice and three times before doing anything that would be a bad decision in the future.

He's in the same place I was - really, who is to say at this point that he was lying...without evidence it is just his word now, which has changed since the day of the incident when he admitted to the wrongdoing. I believe you that he didn't do it - but really, you can't expect the authority figures at the school to do so at this point. So, I would cling to the fact that he is learning a life long lesson the hard way (I know).

 

[bumbershoot]

Oh wow, what a thing to do.

DH's "liar" reputation started with a lie like that. His dad was convinced he had done something. Was punishing him, yelling at him, absolutely convinced he had done the thing he thought he had done. Didn't believe the real story. Finally DH figured that he would just say that he HAD done it, to make the punishment stop.

Of course that didn't work. And from that day on he was the liar of the family. Didn't matter if he had or had done it, it was assumed he had, and he was punished for whatever happened. His brother hid a huge secret from his family until someone else told, and his got up to ALL sorts of naughty things as a teen and beyond, but DH was "the liar".


I hope you can figure out *some* way of communicating your concerns with the school, so that they don't give him the "liar" rep. I have no idea how to get the rep from the students to go away, though.

Hope he doesn't decided to do what my hubby did, which was to start lying so that he would actually have done the things he was going to be punished for anywa.

 

[MSSANDRA]

As a mom my heart goes out to you for wanting to fix it,but he is ten and made a bad mistake in taking the heat. Sounds lik he might be inmature 10 if he really belived that they would have to stay there all night (Poor judment of the care giver and I might adress that issue). I agree with cleaning up the mess but I think that mopping all the boys baths for a week is a lot unless it is a very small school. Perhaps mopping that particular bathroom all week "might"be ok.

My biggest issue is teachers making fun of him. That is never ok. Yes it is wrong for other kids but they are kids!!! That needs to stop now.

As for your son he has learned a valuable lesson. Also point out that past "misbehavior" (locking the other child in the bathroom) stays on others minds. No one would believe you if he changed his story now.

Hope the teasing stops soon. No child deserves that.

 

[sjaakie]

I'm so sorry for your son.
I would try to go to an "higher level " than the school.
Surely there is a council ore something that guards the schools.
I would make complaint about the teachers and would let then know also.
The damage this teachers make are something a child must carry around his whole life.

O sure your son was stupid but adults and especially teachers making fun of children is not done.