OT - how to help kids with closure if no funeral

[pantherlj]

My mother just passed away after a short battle with lung/brain cancer. I am telling the girls tonight. She wanted to be cremated and due to a prior battle with disfiguring oral cancer, she has been rather isolated for the last 7 years. So, she didn't want any services. I know the services are for those left behind but my dad doesn't want to do a service either. We are going to spread her ashes but won't be able to do what we want until the weather is warm.

How can I help my girls get closure before then? We are going to my mom and dad's house tomorrow. One friend suggested letting balloons go.

I would appreciate any tips on how to help them cope!

 

[powellrj]

What about a memorial service and maybe plant a tree for her or something like that. While I realize this is nothing like you are going through, my DS was about 4 when Jim Henson died. The kid was devastated. I had no idea what to do, so we went to the card store and I let him pick out a sympathy card. For some reason that really helped him.

My DMIL and DFIL both died within a year of each other. While my kids were a little older and we did have a showing and a funeral, it is surprising the times they will mention their grandparents and missing them.

 

[Kit'smommy]

I am so sorry for your loss.

This is a hard situation. My mom's best friend died a few months ago, and her son and DIL chose to not have a service. The only other family she had left is her SIL and their family, but my parents and little family had "adopted" her into ours. This was hard on all of us, and I think a poor choice on the part of her son. My DS (5) still doesn't "get" why aunt Nan isn't around anymore.

I think the balloons are a lovely idea.

 

[coccinelle]

I am really sorry for your loss.
When my kids lost their great grand-mothers (last year and two years ago), we dit send ballons up to the sky. My kids know that whe you die, you are not comming back but you are watching over the people you love and for them, you become a little star in the sky(they are confusing stars and angels i think....must be the Lion King they had watch to much...)
Each kid wrote a little note that we attached to the balloon and then we send the balloon. We did that because when i told my daugter that her great grand mother died, she was very upset that she din't had time to tell her that she went to school and liked it. She did not want to go to school and it was her great grand mother who convinced her to try it...they were very close....she died on her first day of school. For my kids, it helped a lot. I wish you the best and i am sure you will find your way to help your kids.

 

[MarkerMouse]

In my opinion, while I think personal ceremonies are "cute", I think the best thing for "closure" is honesty. Be honest with the kids. If they're sad, that's ok, it's part of the process. But in my opinion, little analogies or rituals do little for true closure, they mask the true reality of the situation, and until you face, and give them a chance to face it, there is no real closure.

Be honest with them, use your faith, and experience the reality together. Yes, it's a very sad situation, but it's also part of life.

But that's just my opinion.

 

[taximomfor4]

so sorry to hear about your mother's passing. Other than that, I'm not much help. When my father passed away a few months ago, my stepmom had him cremated right away. Not only that, but no burial or spreading of ashes...so no grave to visit. My kids (ages 15,10,8,6) are, I believe, completely different on how/IF they have processed the loss of their grandpa.

Honestly, I am all grown up and I am having a terrible time with closure, myself, and at this point, months later, still unable to be around my stepmom.

Anyway, hugs to you, and my condolences.

 

[lindsmom]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I second the suggestion of a memorial service, or celebration of life. Many people put up displays of photographs and stories on easels, perform a brief service that includes readings, etc. Whatever speaks to you spiritually. Also let the children involve themselves in whatever capacity they feel comfortable with.

Maybe after the ceremony you could go outside and release balloons, etc.

 

[pantherlj]

Thanks everyone. I guess "closure" was the wrong word. I guess I am looking for a way for them to say goodbye since there will be no funeral and probably no service until the spring.

Thanks for the comments!

 

[msce2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think planting a tree is a great idea. Do you have a yard you could plant it in? Let the kids help pick out the tree, and help plant it. In the meantime I think you should sit down with them and let them know that their Grandma is in a place where she isn't in pain anymore, and is watching over them. Do you go to church? Ask the pastor to say a prayer for her, or have a mass dedicated to her. You could also have them draw a picture(s) of something they enjoyed doing with her and put them together with some photos in a memory book. HTH.

 

[blissventure]

Having you to talk to certainly will help. Don't look for closure--IMO it's a kind of made up term for something that actually rarely exists. Funerals don't really provide this. A funeral is a public goodbye, but the personal goodbye takes time.
Grief is painful, and the process is hard, for adults and kids. Death is permanent, and it takes time for the loss to really register. A good goal is to help your kids come to a place of peace with the their grandma's passing. They'll still think about her, miss her, but also be able to (with time) smile about things they did together with her, and the things they loved about her.
Planting a tree is a very nice idea, because it's a positive tangible reminder of a dear one who was honored in this way. The ceremony and the tree, though, are only a part of the process of dealing with loss. It helps, but loving support and time are equally important.

 

[NotUrsula]

Have them help go through some of her things. Let them pick out some of her photos and keepsakes and make a scrapbook or a computer memory file. Tell good stories about her; write down her favorite recipes, etc.
Whatever you compile can be used at the memorial service that you are planning in the Spring.

I'm Catholic, and we have a tradition of having Masses dedicated for the dead. You don't have to consult the next of kin, you just arrange it with your parish priest, and the congregation will be asked to pray for the person. We also light candles in the church; that can be nice, too. DS's great-grandfather died the day before he made his first Communion, and the family also chose not to have a funeral or burial. DS' teacher allowed his entire class to light candles for GFIL before the service; it was very sweet.

 

[ScrapperBelle]

I'm so sorry. to you and your family. I think the balloons are a great idea. We lost our oldest son last year in a car accident and this year on the anniversary, DH, DS, and I each had our own balloon that we wrote messages to him on and released. I think it was a wonderful "moment" and it gave the day a different meaning to us. It will always be a sad day for us, but now it is also our special day to "connect" with him.

We plan on doing this every anniversary.

 

[tinkerlisa]

I am sorry for your loss

I know what you mean. I lost my grandmother last November. A few years ago, she decided to have her body donated to science when she dies. Then the school she goes to will cremate her for us and she will be buried in a cremation cemetary. We had a memorial service for her but it still doesn't feel right(then again when does it ever feel right?). It was hard to explain it to my son. But I think what helped was I told him that Big Nana was going to help somebody to become a doctor and that maybe that person, will find a cure for her illnesses; Diabetes and Parkinson's along with emphysema. It helped him a bit I think to know that she was doing this. When he tells people about her, he says "Big Nana is going to college right now to help people"

A memorial service might help, but really what helps is just talking about it. That has been what has helped me and my family the past few months. Not a day goes by when I don't think about my grandmother. I try to tell my kids about her and so does my mother.

My mother and I are avid scrapbookers. We have both decided to design a page devoted to my grandmother. I am going to enlist my son's help with it as well so he can see what a wonderful person she was.

 

[3boymthr]

Not sure if this will help or not - when my DGM passed away a few years ago, DS#1 was very determined that he had to bring flowers to his GreatGMa's grave because that is what you do when people pass away (he was 7 BTW). This was not my idea it was his. I had no idea he even knew about people putting flowers on graves. So my suggestion to you explain to them about death. There are some great books out there for kids to help explain it. Then ask them if there is a way they would like to say good-bye.

 

[Leader of the Club]

I am sorry that you lost your mom.

http://www.fernside.org/

click on resources and then family and friends

 

[mickeyluvr004]

Hi sorry for the loss of your Mom I lost my Dad 4 years ago in January and my daughters were 18 months and 5 and to this day on his birthday and the anniversary of his death we go to the dollar store and they pick out plain heart balloons and I let them write on them with black magic marker, I truely beleive that it helps my youngest who is now 5 still asks about him as his pictures are still out around our houses and she really loves to write on them and then they set them up to heaven for Papa, what are the ages of your daughters? mine are now 5 and 10 and even the older one still loves to do this. they write that they miss him and love him and put hearts on them. Good luck I know how tough this situation you are in. We did have a service and then he was creamated also.

 

[badblackpug]

I guess it depends on the age of your children and your beliefs. I think the balloons sound nice for younger children who can only process "granny's gone to heaven."

My father passed last April. He, too, was cremated. We did not have a formal funeral. We had a memorial service of sorts. Basically we had friends and family over. We made a slide show of lots of pictures of him on the computer which we attached to the TV and showed. We just ate and drank and let everyone share their memories. We also planted a tree in the yard.

Just talk frankly with your kids. Allow them to share their grief. Look and pictures and share memories.

 

[disneybridetobe]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[pantherlj]

The girls are handling the news as well as can be expected. The 9 year is still really upset. The 6 year old understands but isn't too upset.

It sure is a challenge explaining cremation to kids that age! The 9 year come up with the idea of spreading ashes in Grandma's garden, very sweet of her to think of that. My dad gave them each a framed picture last night and an angel inside a crystal. 9 year old is thrilled to have a picture to hang up in her room and both girls seem to enjoy having a special stone they can hold when they want to think of Grandma.

So, it has gone better than I thought it would.

Thank you all for sharing your stories with me.

 

[Sue's Mum]

Each kid wrote a little note that we attached to the balloon and then we send the balloon

I think that is a lovely idea. Perhaps saying a prayer at the same time could make it into a personal "memorial service".