OT - Help I can't stand DD's friend

[tmarquez]

Sorry about the long OT - but it is family related.

My DD (4) is friends with a little girl (6) that stays accross the street at her fathers house every other weekend. I have so many issues with this little girl and I don't know what to do.

First, she steals. It's pretty much at the point where we have to pat her down before she goes home. When she gets caught she says DD told her she could have whatever it is. Her dad knows she does this as he has caught her with stuff that he has either brought back himself or sent her back with.

She doesn't listen. She will simply ignore any adult. Just this past weekend she was over and her dad came to get her, she his under the bed and wouldn't come out. Her dad is scheduled for hernia surgery so he couldn't physically pull her out. It was very embarassing for me, and I'm sure for him too. I just left him in there with her and it took a good 10 minutes before she came out.

She lies. She sneaks food. She says bad words. She doesn't share. She teases the dog. There's more but I think I've made my point.

I know she has a hard life. Her mother is a wreck (from what I've heard from her dad) and then she comes over to her dads to spend every other weekend with him and he does nothing with her, she spends the whole time at our house or another neighbor.

She is becoming a negative influence on DD. We work really hard to make sure DD grows up being polite, considerate, caring and it is taking me 2 days after this kid visits to get DD to start behaving again. How do I get this kid out of our lives?

 

[daisyduck123]

Honestly, if it were me, I would just say tell the little girl that the 2 of them can't play together anymore & she shouldn't come across the street if she sees your DD outside. I think "telling like it is" is the best way out of it.

I wouldn't even give her any chances.
Your DD doesn't need this girl for a friend.
Maybe in a few years, this girl will behave better.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

When she acts up then send her home. I know you feel bad but in our house we have certain rules. If you don't follow them then you must go.

 

[robsmom]

I think the above answer to send her home when she acts up is the right one. While she is not your responsibiity you have an opportunity to be a postive influence in a child's life. I would treat her in the same way that you would treat your daugher, tell her she is in you house and in your house kids follow the rules. Then tell her what the rules are. If she does something small that is wrong reprimand her, do a time out etc. Tell her if you continue to do xyz you will have to leave and then if she does send her home. They always say kids respond positively to authority and discipline. If she likes playing at your house it will not take her long to realize what she needs to do better to be allowed to stay!! You will be showing your daughter that you do enforce the rules - this could be a added benefit to you.

 

[isla bonita]

I agree with the posters. Have similar problem and we really limit the influence.

 

[Nala2007]

I agree with robsmom, although you really don't have to deal with her and can not let her come over anymore, you do have the chance to be a positive influence in this girls' life. Obviously it is not her fault she is so bad!! I can't say which road I would choose in your situation, but if you do decide to let her continue to play with DD, she needs to be sent home immediately when she gets out of line.

 

[Steph9072]

First let me say at six years, old poor thing! Somebody has dropped the ball when it comes to teaching and enforcing right from wrong. That being said she has to learn right from wrong or she is going to be in big trouble in a few years.

I would talk to her next time she comes over and tell her your house rules. Tell her if she breaks them she will be sent to time out. After three times of breaking the rules you will send her home and she may not return for the weekend. Prior to having this talk with her I would tell her Dad about it. Sounds like he doesn't know how to handle her either. But that way he is aware and if he doesn't like it he can keep her home.

Oh, I would also explain to dd that real friends don't do the things that this little girl does. And if dd doesn't like it she too needs to tell her friend I don't like it when you take my things don't do it again. Or when you do X it is not fun and please don't do it again.

Good luck

Steph

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I agree that you can be a positive influence on this child by enforcing your rules when she is over. I also think it's a huge problem that her father doesn't spend time with her during their weekends together. A lot of what she's doing sounds like a cry for attention which she probably isn't getting from mom or dad.

One scenario is that you could let her continue her visits but strictly enforce your rules. She may come around and realize that you won't let her get away with any garbage at your house. You can also limit her visits to 1 hour each weekend that she visits. Just tell the dad that you can only have her for 1 hour and that she'll have to go home at such and such a time. If she has a hard time leaving your house with her dad, maybe you can walk her across the street to him. It sounds like she putting on a performance for her dad by going under the bed. She's daring him to come and get her (another ploy to get his attention). If you simply take her by the hand and walk her across the street, she won't have the chance to put on a show.

This is a tough situation! If you really, really can't stand to have her over again and don't want her around your daughter, I wouldn't blame you. You have every right to decide who comes into your house and plays with your child. Good luck in whatever decision you make!

 

[Lisa_Belle]

While I think it's great to be a positive role model in a child's life, you can't let the child become a negative role model in your own child's life. If her behavior wasn't having an effect on your DD, I would say to try and work through the situation. As it is, through similar personal experience, I would tell the girl that she is allowed to play only if she follows the rules. Whein she breaks one of the rules, send her home. This will teach her - and your daughter - the consequences of not obeying.

 

[Rustysmom]

I have a little boy like this on my block. My DS is 11 and is friends with this boy who just turned 6! My DS has PDD and acts younger than his age, so it's not that strange that they would be friends.

I can't stand that boy though. He steals my DS's stuff, curses, runs into the street and doesn't listen to me. I've told the mother what he does and she doesn't seem to care. So, he's banned from coming into my house. I told DS he can play with him outside if they both happen to be riding their bikes at the same time, but that's it. When my DS is with him, he doesn't listen to me and I don't like that. I can picture this little kid smoking and stuff and teaching my DS to do that.

 

[MomofKatie]

At least she's only around every other weekend!

We have the same problem, and the little girl is over more than twice a week. She is just a rotten little kid (and I don't say that lightly). There's no excuse for it, either- her parents are nice enough people. I just don't understand how she can be such an ill-mannered, unruly, rude child (or how DD can stomach her).

I don't really have a good solution for you- we struggle with the same thing. I hate to tell DD her "best friend" can't come over, and we try to impress upon her that this little girl isn't being a friend when she does things that she knows will get DD- and her- in trouble. But, DD just keeps forgiving her for hitting her, breaking her things, leading her into bad behavior, etc, etc.

Good luck- I think if you are strong (unlike me ), a clean break might be the easiest thing altogether. Goodness knows, we have tried to do the same.

 

[tmarquez]

Thanks everyone. I have been sending her home when she breaks the rules...and she knows what is allowed at our house and what isn't. It just doesn't seem to matter.

There aren't any other young kids at our end of the block for DD to play with and it's hard for her to understand at 4 why she can't play with this girl when she sees her out front in her yard (after I send her home).

Then again, if DD has a choice between playing with this girl and another kid, she will always choose another kid...so deep down she knows.

I do feel bad for the girl, and would help her if I could...but not at the expense of my DD's behavior, which is what it has come down to.

 

[kribit]

Oh, I feel sorry for the little girl, especially if she has a terrible home life. However, if she's doing and acting like you said, I, personally, wouldn't allow her to play with my dd. I know that's so harsh and I feel terrible saying it, but I remember as a child my mom doing the exact same thing.

If this little girls parents don't gain control over her, she'll get worse before she gets better and her influence won't be a good one over your daughter.

I know it's an awful thing to say, but you need to look out for your family first.

 

[KimD]

At least she's only around every other weekend!

We have the same problem, and the little girl is over more than twice a week. She is just a rotten little kid (and I don't say that lightly). There's no excuse for it, either- her parents are nice enough people. I just don't understand how she can be such an ill-mannered, unruly, rude child (or how DD can stomach her).

I don't really have a good solution for you- we struggle with the same thing. I hate to tell DD her "best friend" can't come over, and we try to impress upon her that this little girl isn't being a friend when she does things that she knows will get DD- and her- in trouble. But, DD just keeps forgiving her for hitting her, breaking her things, leading her into bad behavior, etc, etc.

Good luck- I think if you are strong (unlike me ), a clean break might be the easiest thing altogether. Goodness knows, we have tried to do the same.

I could've written that word for word! I really understand where you're both coming from because we had a similar situation. My DD9 has a friend like that. I just don't understand how my DD puts up with her. Her mom is such a nice person and she has a good caring home but her behavior is just beyond irritating to say the very very least. I even asked my DD why she enjoyed hanging out with her and she said that it annoys her too but didn't seem to want to stop asking her over. It got to the point where I would come home and end up being in a grumpy mood if she was there because she started coming over EVERY DAY (on most days she is very LOUD, rude, abnoxious and is always trying to sneak food that she KNOWS she can't have at that time since I've told her a bazillion times, then there is the surprise sometimes that she's almost normal...can't figure it out). Anyway...I finally had to put a limit on how much time they spend together and really encouraged my DD to play with others that she enjoys playing with and to not feel bad or pressured into playing with this one all the time. She said she didn't want her to get mad at her. Poor DD is too much like me....never wants to hurt anyones feelings and hates people being mad at her . Luckily one day they had a "fight" over double dutch jump rope at school and that did if for my DD I guess because now she only plays with her after school on occasion so it's MUCH more tolerable.

My DS had a friend who wasn't such a good influence but he came from a horrible home (went to HS with his mother and she is a drugged out wierdo who shouldn't be allowed to have children). I was a little more tolerent of him being around though because his home life was so so bad and we thought we were being "good" influences on him. After a while they stopped hanging around and my son found his new group of friends who are all really nice and just typical teens and those two just went their own way. Well after he stopped coming to our house after about a year he was put in juvy for the first time and has now been in there three times in two years and he's only 15! I know we did make somewhat of a difference for him then because when he was at our house he would tell me excitedly about how he passed a test or did something "good" and I would commend him and tell him I was very proud of him, etc. So in some ways I guess I felt in that situation we were helping him more than he was hurting our son (since I didn't let them leave my house together alone I knew they coudn't do very much ) . So it kind of is a double edged sword when there isn't such a good place for them to go home too.

Good luck with everything! I definitely know how you feel but hopefully it will work itself out in the end.

 

[NU2WDW]

It sounds to me like you need to speak very directly and forthrightly to the father and let him know that he either 1) keeps his daughter away from yours, 2) comes over with the girl so he can police her behavior, or 3) steps up to the plate and starts paying attention to and teaching this poor child some appropriate behavior.

For all he claims the girl's mother is a "wreck", he's clearly taking advantage of the fact that you're willing to step in and be the parent on "his" weekend. Unless you want to keep doing it, and letting your dd be influenced by it (she is 2 years older than yours??), time to tell dear old dad it stops now.

 

[CampbellScot]

That is a tough situation. Obviously everyone in her life pretty much lets her run wild. I suppose it all depends on how involved you want to be. She sounds like she is DESPERATE for attention and boundaries as she seems to get neither. You could be a positive influence her life, if you want to be invovled. If you don't, then I would just let her know that her bad behavior has resulted in you not being able to let her come and play.

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice so far. If you decide to let her come over, you need to be VERY clear about the rules in the house. The next time she comes over, have the rules written down. Sit down with her and your daughter and go over each rule.

1.No bad language
2.No taking things that grown ups have not given you (food, toys etc)
3.No teasing the dog
4.You must use nice manners...please and thank you etc.
5.You MUST share
6. When it's time to go, you need to go or you can't come next time.

(let your daughter know that if SHE tries to act up then the play date will end, friend will go home and SHE will be in time out...just nobody gets any ideas!)

Explain very clearly that if she can follow the rules she can stay and play. If she breaks a rule she must leave. Let her know that you like having her come over and play, but she has to follow the rules. That is just the way it is at your house.

Also, I wouldn't let the kids play where you can't see them. If she's in front of you she can't take things...or have them play outside. She needs to know that you are very serious about the rules. She will test you and see if you mean it. When you do have to send her home let her know that you'll be ready for her to try again next time.

I work with kids like this every day. They are victims of neglect basically. It's sad.

As for the other bratty kids that seem to have very nice parents...they are the result of the "Let the kids do what they want, when they want" culture. It's spoiled a whole generation of kids. Luckily there appears to be a backlash now and parents are beginning to be parents again. Thank GOODNESS!!!

 

[TheRatPack]

Think of things you did bad in your life/youth. Were you at all influenced by those around you? I have to tell myself that everytime I try and choose my son or daughters friends. I hate to police who they hang around with....but peer pressure is a horrible thing and can turn a good child into a bad one...really fast!

Since you've obviously already stated the rules to her, and she gets sent home when she breaks them....the next obvious step would be to stop letting her come over. It's hard being the parent that denies the neighborhood kids access to your home....but at the same time it's saving your daughter from getting in trouble and also saving your sanity from having a wild child you have to 'parent'.