OT: HELP! Clingy almost-4 yr old DD to start preschool in fall....

[kldmom2000]

I have 2 dd's ages almost 6 and almost 4. My older DD is pretty much self-sufficient and was slightly clingy years ago, but not to the extent that my younger DD is. I'm a SAHM and my older DD is in kindergarten. My younger DD has a Sept. bday, so she missed the cut-off last year for 3 yr old preschool (2 mornings per week) I enrolled her in a Little Gym class for us to do together, but all she did was cling to me and would not participate in the program unless I held her hand the entire time. She is now in a playgroup through the MOMS club chapter that I belong to. She sits on my lap while we're there or asks me to play with her-she does not play with the other kids. She is due to start preschool in Sept., and I'm just afraid of the nightmare when I have to drop her off..... does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can get her out of her shell and play with other kids her own age? She plays great with her sis, but is shy around other kids..... and is distraught without me there I'm making myself sick thinking about Sept......

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

I used to teach pre-school before I had my children (ages 3 and 23 months). So many times, a very shy or clingy child would do fine within a few days. They usually get the routine, and do fine once mom or dad are out of sight.

Kids are a lot of times one way around their parents and another at school.

Can you try a small Me without My Mommy over the summer? Maybe a gymnastics class or art class for forty five minutes to see how that goes? Remember, as long as your in sight, she will want to be with you. There may be a bit of carrying on at first, but give it a few minutes and usually the children integrate into the classroom fun.

 

[surfgirl]

1) Can you go play at the playground where she will be going? If you can, I would go once / week this summer so she is a 'pro'.

2) Is the preschool still in session? If so, can you go with her and observe a class for a few minutes now?

3) 'What to Expect when you go to School' by Laura Rader --> written for kids and lots of drawings about preschool

4) Can you call the administrator and find out who will be in her class? Do you know anyone? I'm heading towards setting up playdates with other classmates so she has a 'buddy'.

5) Do you have a teacher choice? I find the ones more 'nurturing' are better at dealing with crying kids (my oldest was one). Until kindergarten, my dd just enjoyed being around the teacher and helping her a lot.

talk talk and talk about it. Don't let it become negotiable. Don't give in - she will sense that weakness (unless you really don't care). Practice saying goodbye - make it short and sweet - 'ok, we walk in, you hang up coat, I give you a hug and a kiss and leave' and then do it. Clinging on won't help and will just draw out the process.

As a side note, I had a friend who sat in the parking lot until she got the call daily - younger kid (2 1/2), but he never adjusted, kept crying, and she just took him home every day. But she continued to try. That certainly is an option. If its going to be a nightmare, then don't force it unless you absolutely have to. If its a battle that you're going to fight, then be prepared.

good luck!

 

[belle&beast]

I am a mom of soon to be 2 preschoolers in the fall and a speech therapist in preschools part time. First, make sure you talk to the teacher about your fears. She may have ideas about specifics for drop off. My kids' teacher and the one that I work with suggest no long good-byes just a quick kiss, say you'll be back after school and walk away- even if there are tears or screams (It's been known to happen!) It is probably they hardest thing in the world to do, but the kids usually settle down very quickly. We have had parents that stay in the class for one reason or another, but it seemed to just postpone the tears for a later date.

I agree with the suggestion to try a class over the summer to get her used to being without you.

We have a book called "The Kissing Hand" which helped, too. It is about a little raccoon going to school without its mama for the first time. Long and sweet story short, mama kisses the baby's hand and baby has that kiss with her at all times when she will need it. My kids are in bed our I would post the author, too. It really helped us because my DD had some of the same fears and we were able to talk about them.

You never know- she may surprise you- I was the one crying when my DD went to school for the first time, not her! Now only if it will be that simple with my DS this fall... I doubt it!

 

[Mom to Jordan]

You have gotten so many good ideas that there is not much I can add. At my school I allow parents to work with the teacher as to the best way to drop off a child that first week. Some school have firm policies though so be sure to know so you will not give your child any incorrect information.
My guess is that she will do better than you think. As long as you have chosen a quality school with experenced teachers, they will have so many wonderful and new things those first few weeks that she might just forget to be clingy. Lots of two year old cry but very few three's and only rarely a four. Follow all the good advice of surfgirl and the others and relalize it will be harder for you than her!!!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

My oldest DS started pre-school last September and I was a wreck! Over the summer before school started I did a partial separation class at Mommy and Me. We would spend the first 45 miutes doing stuff together and then the last 45 minutes I would sit in a room and watch through a window. He loved it! Truthfully- it was more for me than him. We've been really lucky in that he never cried when it was time for school because he was so excited. I would look for the partial separation classes in your ares. I know gymboree does them as well (or some version of it). I would also try to make a huge deal out of going to school and how much fun it will be (new friends, learning stuff etc.). I would take her to the school while it is in session to show her around and meet the teacher. I know it is hard but maybe when she gets clingy you have to tell her that you want to see what a big girl she is and you will watch her but she has to do it by herself then of course make a big fuss over it. I know how hard it is (I cried every day the whole summer before and was up at 3am the day he had his first day at school! ). I hope this helps.

 

[susykt4]

DS3 started daycare for the first time in February. I was pretty nervous because he went from one day a week at the beloved neighbor's house (with his older sister there some of the time) to fulltime daycare. He's a shy, clingy kid. He'd cry on the way to school and then when I dropped him off. He'd cry at night that he didn't want to go to school the next day. However, EVERY night when I picked him up he ran to me excitedly telling me how much fun he had that day. His teachers said he'd stop crying as soon as my car pulled away (he'd stand in the window and cry and make me feel terrible) and then have a great day playing with his friends. Four months later, he absolutely loves his school.

We just started swim lessons and it's pretty much the same thing with BOTH kids. Both cried and refused to get in the water the first day. The second day both got into the water, but DS refused to participate in activities that involved leaving the stairs and DD5 refused to jump in to her teacher. Ugh!

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

as a childcare worker at a church (and long-time babysitter), i'd say the best thing you can do is to make the goodbye quick!

if you draw it out, the kids will be expecting a long goodbye each day, and then will cry as it gets shorter...instead of getting used to the short goodbye right away.

the worst thing parents can do, in my opinion, are to react to crying...this shows the kids that if they cry you will come back! what you really want to show them is that school will be fun, and crying will not bring you back. of course, reassure them in the morning that you will come back later.

another idea...maybe draw a cute picture and slip it into their lunch? then you can tell your kid that when they are eating, they can think about you, and you will be thinking about them, too! it gives them something to look forward to before the end of the day.

good luck!!!

 

[D L and K's Mom]

You have been given some great info. I know the pre-school at my school allows the Moms and Dads to come to a "Play Day" over the summer. The parents and children stay for 1 hour and have a story craft and snack. This allows the parents to meet one another and many do set up some play dates at parks etc. just one thing that I don't think was said...do no sneak out when your child is not looking. This is horrible for the child. One momnet you are there...then..GONE. Make sure you say goodbye and tell your child you will be back when they are all done. It may cause some tears but in the long run it is what is best.

 

[Mom to Jordan]

That is my rule at my preschool...Do not sneak out and when you leave do not let your child see you again until you are ready to take the child home. It is totaly unfair to have to seperate more than once. I do not mind if parents hide in another room for a while, but if they come back to their child's cries, I ask then to take them back home and try again tomorrow.

 

[shmoogrrrl]

II'm just afraid of the nightmare when I have to drop her off..... does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can get her out of her shell and play with other kids her own age? She plays great with her sis, but is shy around other kids..... and is distraught without me there I'm making myself sick thinking about Sept......

I taught One-Year-Olds at my Daughter's Preschool last year and although your Daughter is older, the best advice that I can give is to take her in for a minute (if they let you) or drop her off and get out of dodge as quickly as you can. Re-assure her that you will be back very soon to get her as often as possible, but when you take her there, get out ASAP.

Although I can imagine that it will be tough to leave your child if she is crying, and you might want to hang around to see what happens, whatever you do, don't peek back in the room to see what is going on. We had a few cryers in the beginning of the year and just as we would get one settled, their Mom would peek around the door to see how they were doing and just a glance was all it took to send the child back into crying.

Good luck!

 

[princesspiglet]

When my daughter started preschool at 3, I was the total opposite. I acutally sat down with her while they ate breakfast and then she would walk me to the door and say goodbye. I think she would have been traumatized if I just went in and dropped her off and left right away! I started this routine from day one, and she never cried. She knew what was coming up since I prepared her for it by telling her when I would be leaving. I think it made her more comfortable to have me there for a few minutes while she relaxed and got settled. I still do this to this day and I acutally love doing it. I get to talk to her teacher and the other kids and learn some pretty interesting things! The other kids are always giving me hugs and kisses and my daughter likes that, it makes her feel good knowing that her friends love her mommy like she does! She is so used to the routine that one day I stayed a little longer after breakfast to talk to her teacher and she hurriedly ushered me to the door telling me it was time for me to leave

 

[Dimap]

As a mom of four I'd thought I'd add some advice too. All of my children had tough seperation issues. My oldest was the loudest crier the first day of nursery. I left him in the arms of his teacher (whom he had met a few days earlier) and made it to the parking lot before my tears came too! I could still hear him crying at my car...but by noon pickup time, he was fine. The teachers told me it only took a few one-on-one walks around the playground to settle him down. (I did call the school an hour into the morning just to check.) I did learn that the quicker I was able to get out of there, the better it was. He knew that he was going to stay, so if I hung around, he just got himself more upset.

With all my kids, I always make it a point each day to kiss them and to tell them that I will be back before lunchtime. I think it gives them a sense of time...they didn't understand 12:00.

There were still days in Feb. and March that my youngest (twins) would start up the clinging thing again. Sometimes I felt like I was going crazy, having one in my arms to hand off to the teacher and the other wrapped around my leg! It makes me laugh to think about what a sight it must have been for the other moms (especially the first time moms with only one child)!

I did get a little "softer" with my twins in that if they were having the clingy weeks, I would let them bring a toy, doll, or book from home. I think it helped them to have something familiar from home to hold on to as I left. Sometimes showing it to the teachers or the other kids distracted them enough that I was able to make an easier get-a-way.

Hope some of these suggestions help. Hang in there.

Pam

 

[emma'smom]

Maybe reading "DW's Guide to Preschool" or "The Kissing Hand" might be a good way to talk about the fact that she'll be at preschool without you, but that you'll be coming back. It might get her thinking about what to expect with preschool and that lots of children feel sad about their mommies leaving them at first.

Now my dd3 (at the time) was totally annoyed that I came for the transition days. They phased the "newtimers" in over a series of days where parents stayed for two hours first day, then 1hour second day, then 1/2 hour third day, etc during the first week. On the first day, my dd looked at me and said "This is my school Mommy. You can come and pick me up later". I didn't know whether to be offended or pleased. I chose to admire her confidence.....we're all better off that way!

 

[glass slipper girl]

The preschool my sons attended addressed this at the parent meeting the week before school started. They do a car pool line where the kids are picked up from the car and go right in to the school. For the 2 year old class (both my kids did 2 days a week for just a few hours a day at age 2) they have a teacher and and an asst. teacher. The Asst. Teacher stays inside and has a good morning activity set up for them. The teacher would walk to the car and get them out and walk them in to the class...so that line took a while b/c you had to wait for the teacher to take each child in and come back out. By a month in to it she did 2 kids at a time but it worked. The older kids are in a different bldg and the school director and admin person or a volunteer Mom open the door for them and the kids go right in to the bld to their class. When my oldest DS first started, I didn't like that set up. I wanted to walk him in and kiss him goodbye at his classroom. He had a hard time each morning at first. The teachers said he was fine within minutes adn was happy as can be, active and participating all day long but that seeing Mom walk away was hard. They suggested I do carpool line because it seems to work better. They felt it works well because you physically seperate from your child at the time you buckle them in to the car seat. So when they get out of the car, they aren't letting go of your hand or coming out of a cuddle. I was sure DS would throw a royal fit at someone taking him out of the car but by then he knew his teacher and he really did do much better with that. I only say all this for 2 reasons...first don't tell her you will walk her in each morning untill you know the school's procedures (which if your older DD went there, you probably do already!) and two that they had another suggestion. They told us that if you do need to walk your child inside for any reason (need to talk to older child's teacher, running late etc) to please NOT carry them inside. When you pick them up, they attach to you physically in a big hug and it makes separating that much harder at the classroom door. Holding their hand is fine but they really discouraged carrying them in. I definitely see where that is true with my younger DS.

I also wanted to say that my youngest was like you describe your DD. Oldest was always social and at playgroups or My Gym classes would be fine going off to do his thing and play and just occasionally coming back to be sure I hadn't run off. My youngest had to be connected to me at all times. I was SO sure he would have a hard time with preschool. I just knew he wouldn't make it through the first day. It turned out that my oldest had a harder time! For my youngest, the school had it set up where the first day they go was a half day (or rather one set of kids went from 9-11 and the other from 11-1) and Mom came with. That way the kids could learn the drill with Mom there. Youngest DS stuck to me like glue that day and I just knew he was going to lose it the next day. Nope...he went in happy and anxious to check things out. I just knew he'd cry mid day. Nope, teacher said he was all smiles all day. Happy to see me at the end but no tears. The only time he cried at drop off was one day that his asst. teacher was sick and his teacher was not there for drop off b/c she had a fender bender on the way to school. She got there within 30 minutes but the admin lady got him out of the car. He didn't really know Ms. Claire yet so he was freaked out by that a bit but she even said once he saw she was taking him to his classroom, he was fine. Your daughter may surprise you yet! I really didn't think DS would handle the start well at all but he was better than his brother (who had always been more independent. He love school now! He did 3 day 3 year old class last year and is doing 5 days for pre-K this year. I did 4 days for older DS but the younger one threw fits every Tuesday and Thursday last year when we'd drop his brother off to kindergarten and he didn't get to go to school!

 

[dbal]

Hi- Just wanted to add my 2 cents in too! I am a preschool teachers aide and we deal with this every year.

I have to agree w/ the other posters saying make the goodbye quick- EVERY time. You will probably see tears as you leave, but they will subside quickly. I never thought kids at this age could turn the tears on and off so quick, but they do. We have never had a kid cry more than 10 minutes - and if they stay out of sorts- it's usually do to illness.

I know it's hard to leave them; especially when they seem so sad. I remember when my 1st dd went to preschool - the teacher told me the same thing (the crying never lasts, quick goodbyes are best). I NEVER believed her. I thought she was just trying to make me feel better.

Good luck and try not to feel too badly. Once the tears stop- she's going to love preschool.

 

[Lisa_Belle]

I'd see if you can get a list of classmates with their parents' names and phone numbers (our school will release phone numbers if the parents elected to have them in the soon-to-be-published directory), then set up some playdates to meet new friends. It might make it easier if she already knew someone there.

My DD also barely missed the cut-off age, and she had the first birthday party of the year. It was a great way for the kids and the parents to meet and interact with each other.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I agree with the meet-a-friend-before ideas. It sounds from your description of the playgroup vs. playing with her sister that she is overwhelmed by the large group. If she has a few playdates with one kid from class ahead of time, she may be excited to see her again, and a little less nervous.

 

[JennyW]

If she's still clingy, it's her way of telling you that she still needs you. Maybe she's not ready to do preschool. If you're a stay-at-home mom, maybe she needs another year before you put her out there on her own. Not everyone is ready at that age.

jenny

 

[Alex2kMommy]

We used to take our boys to a Montessori school/daycare, and even though both of them started there as infants, kids naturally go through periods of separation anxiety.

Since my DH did the drop-offs, he had the same routine every day; he reminded DS of anything going on that day (at school or something going on after he got home), told him to have a good day, asked for a hug and a kiss, and then they did high-fives. DS usually then ran off with a big smile on his face to play with his friends. One of his preschool teachers told DH that his drop-off routine was the best, happiest one she'd ever seen.

I should point out, too, that I occasionally did the drop-off. The change in routine was sometimes enough to cause tears and begging to stay home with me. The first time I was so taken by surprise, and stayed longer trying to console my child before I left (that was a mistake!) When I got to the parking lot I called DH and burst into tears myself! I called the school once I got home, and of course he was fine within minutes of my leaving.

So the next day I tried to follow Daddy's drop-off routine closely, and because I knew he'd been fine right after I left the previous day, I was kind, but brief and firm. By the third day, he ran off with a smile as usual.

I think the important elements to a successful drop-off are:
1. A consistent routine: Do the same actions, say the same words every day
2. A reminder that you will come back: Talk about what will happen tonight once they're home
3. Be loving, but firm
4. Don't let them see your own emotional struggle with it. The more confident you are about it, the more at ease they will be.