OT - FIL's disregard for my children's safety

[Butwhyistherumgone?]

GRRRRRRRRR. I am so upset with my FIL.
Last week he picked our kids up after school. They rode the bus to our house and he was waiting for them and then took them back to his house. I was working late and my DH had physical therapy so FIL said he could pick them up. Very nice for him to help us out and we appreciated it.
HOWEVER ......... mistake #1 he let our DD 8 ( who is very petite- she is still using a booster seat) ride in the front seat ( no booster seat, like that really matters since she was in the front seat but.......) and yes he has airbags I left their booster seats on the front porch for him and he didn't use them!
Mistake #2 He need to buy some cigarettes so he pulled into the local smoke shop and left the truck running and left the kids in the truck!!!!!!!! I am livid. The kids told me all of this happened and they are very reliable kids. I know he raised his boys in a different era but how can anyone be so lax these days!!!!
We have not said anything yet and I know it wont go well. My FIL is the type of guy that is always right and he will be ticked off because we are being too critical.
It was a simple task yet he did 2 things that could have ended very badly! I know, I know, things turned out just fine, it is just the lack of concern and good judgement on his part that has me upset. I never thought he would do anything like this or I would not have let him pick them up.
Chances are we wont have to have him pick them up again and we do have other family that can help if needed. I mainly just need to vent before I talk to him about it!
BTW DH is more then willing to talk to him about it BUT he is very blunt and not too warm and fuzzy and it would turn ugly fast. I can make the point better and with hopefully less conflict later

 

[LAH LAH]

If it was me...I would say something.

Knowing ahead of time that he won't receive it well is hopefully gonna help.

Go into the discussion with love and hopefully he will see your heart!

Good luck!

 

[laughinplace199]

I'm sorry this happened. I'm glad everything turned out ok, but it sounds like it's going to be difficult to talk to your FIL about it. I hope it goes well.

Did your 8 yr old tell him that she's not supposed to ride in front? What was his response?

 

[barkley]

i agree with the safety issue on front seat riders (i don't let either of my kids ride in the front seat). here's a suggestion if the law actualy prohibits it where you live (some 'muscle' to back you up when you talk to him)-point out that he's facing child endangerment charges and child welfare intervention as well as endangering his ability to drive (insurance companies and the dmv don't take these charges lightly).

you might also look up what the law is where you live on leaving kids unattended in car. in the state i live in it's illegal if the kid is under 16 and it's in any public place-initialy it's a misdemeanor with a fine but subsequent convictions can result in revocation of your driver's lic.

 

[holly7347]

I feel your pain. I refused to let MIL drive my DD's any where unless I personally install the car seats. I don't even let DH install our car seats because they just don't get them tight enough. If they move more than an inch side to side they aren't tight enough. You are suppose to press down in the seat with your body weight when tightening the seat belt.

My oldest is lactose intolerant and MIL kept feeding her ice cream after I told her about 10X's DD could not eat. She would give DD ice cream when she ocassionally watched her at her house and every time DD would wake up in the middle of the night screaming that her stomach hurt. I finally said point blank to MIL next time you feed her ice cream and she wakes up at 2am complaining about her stomach I am going to call you and you can come over and take care of her. I thought she finally understood because DD stopped complaining about her stomach. Turns out she was still feeding DD ice cream just using the lactaid pills with it. I said again NO ice cream for DD period! She has other eating issues and I feed her frozen strawberries that I put through the blender with a tiny bit of sugar and water and we call that ice cream. I would rather her think of that as ice cream than the junk MIL was feeding her. If DD had a better diet it would be different.

Once when the entire family was on vacation she let my nephew, who was just over 2 at the time, play on top of a bunk bed while the ceiling fan was going. He stood up and bam got wacked by the fan. There was a huge bruise, and gash on his forehead. She never even said she was sorry she said well I told him not to stand up. Duh! He was only 2, first off he shouldn't be playing on top of a bunk bed anyway what if he fell off on his head, this was a queen size bunk with no rails. Second if you must let him play up there at least have enough sense to turn the fan OFF! I was livid and it wasn't even one of my children (luckily for her).

In your position I'm not sure what I would even say. If you know he isn't going to think he did anything wrong even after you explain I sort of think why bother. I just wouldn't use his babysitting services any longer.

 

[surfgirl]

I think you are just going to create problems. Unfortunately, he comes from a different generation and will just think you are being critical. He did do you a favor.

Take this as a lesson learned... FIL doesn't drive kids unless you install boosters. You can make the point about leaving them in the car by showing him the case of the lady who walked to the Salvation Army can with one daughter while another baby was asleep in the car about 10 ft. away and how the police arrested her and wanted to charge her. Just tell him the story as 'people are very sensitive to this and I don't want you to get in trouble'.

I know its hard to be there ALL the time, but make sure your kids know the rules (they are old enough if she is 8) and tell them "Grandpa I can't. It is the rule"

 

[Mkrop]

I would something to him but I think you can go into with a gentle tone and say stuff like "my how times have changed" Now it is agaisnt the law not to have kids in the carseats, remember the days of riding in the back of a station wagon."

Talk about a neighbor who got reprimanded by the cops for leaving the kids in the car. Even if you dont have a neighbor like that.

And I agree with barkley, print some stuff of the Internet to back your claims if necessary.

And yes I would be using his babysitting services less or not all.

I had a friend go thru something similar bc not only was it generational but her parents are originally from Italy where things were different then here in America. They did not want to use the "contraptions called carsearts'

GL

 

[pyrxtc]

you nkow, sounds like you were in a bind and needed some help and he offered. I would say Thank you and don't ask him anymore if you don't like how he helps. I wouldn't bring it up to him, your DD was old enough to tell him about the booster seats and abotu not sitting up front.

If he didn't kill any of his kids in all those years, chances are he won't do it to yours either. I too am very saffety concious when it comes to my kids but when I need help, I am not picky about details. As long as I know they are safe wiht that person, I'm good.

 

[barkley]

you nkow, sounds like you were in a bind and needed some help and he offered. I would say Thank you and don't ask him anymore if you don't like how he helps. I wouldn't bring it up to him, your DD was old enough to tell him about the booster seats and abotu not sitting up front.

If he didn't kill any of his kids in all those years, chances are he won't do it to yours either. I too am very saffety concious when it comes to my kids but when I need help, I am not picky about details. As long as I know they are safe wiht that person, I'm good.

the issue beyond child safety is that if a person knowingly continues to allow their child to ride with someone who ignores the laws on child passenger safety or leaving them alone in vehicals-if the person doing it is caught and prosecuted-the parent can be looked to and investigated for willfull child neglect and endangerment (not knowing someone is potentialy endangering your child and allowing it to continue is entirely different that knowing about it and by virtue of permitting it-participating in the endangerment).

 

[puffkin]

I would just let it go this time but try not to use his "services" again.

If he brings it up ("hey why don't you ever let me pick up the kids") then you can nicely explain the booster seats etc. If you are in a bind again and need his help I would clearly explain to him (and your children) that boosters MUST be used or you will NEVER let them ride with him again.

I just don't see the point in picking a fight this time because he was doing you a favor, but if it comes up again then it warrants saying something.

 

[Aliceacc]

I'm guessing he didn't knowingly go against your wishes; he probably never gave it a thought.

You're right; he raised his kids a long time ago. He probably never realized the dangers of putting kids into the front seat or of leaving them in a running car. And, for what it's worth, your kids DID know better and apparently said nothing to grandpa.

I would let it drop. If it's bothering you this much, simply cross him off your list of people you can call when you need help.

 

[dfarner]

GRRRRRRRRR. I am so upset with my FIL.
Last week he picked ours kids up after school. They rode the bus to our house and he was waiting for them and then took them back to his house. I was working late and my DH had physical therapy so FIL said he could pick them up. Very nice for him to help us out and we appreciated it.
HOWEVER ......... mistake #1 he let our DD 8 ( who is very petite- she is still using a booster seat) ride in the front seat ( no booster seat, like that really matters since she was in the front seat but.......) and yes he has airbags I left their booster seats on the front porch for him and he didn't use them! Mistake #2 He need to buy some cigarettes so he pulled into the local smoke shop and left the truck running and left the kids in the truck!!!!!!!! I am livid. The kids told me all of this happened and they are very reliable kids. I know he raised his boys in a different era but how can anyone be so lax these days!!!!
We have not said anything yet and I know it wont go well. My FIL is the type of guy that is always right and he will be ticked off because we are being too critical.
It was a simple task yet he did 2 things that could have ended very badly! I know, I know, things turned out just fine, it is just the lack of concern and good judgement on his part that has me upset. I never thought he would do anything like this or I would not have let him pick them up.
Chances are we wont have to have him pick them up again and we do have other family that can help if needed. I mainly just need to vent before I talk to him about it!
BTW DH is more then willing to talk to him about it BUT he is very blunt and not too warm and fuzzy and it would turn ugly fast. I can make the point better and wtih hopefully less conflict later

For the sake of saving an argument, I don't think I would say anything to him about it. I would just not ask him to transport the kids again. You mentioned leaving the boosters on the front porch, but did you specifically tell him that they were there and HOW to install them? It may have just have been an oversight (not a good one, but not intentional). I imagine if your daughter would have said something to him he would have put them in. I agree w/ another poster about the generational difference. I can speak for my parents (both of them in their 60s) when I say that they are nowhere as nearly safety conscious as I am w/ my girls. They are not being ignorant or rude, it just wasn't that way when I was growing up.

 

[linda0706]

If it were MY FIL, nothing DH or I say would make one iota of difference. It wouldn't be worth the headache & angst to even talk to him about it. I'd just let it go & never use his "services" again.

But you know him & your situation...best of luck to you.

 

[The Moonk's Mom]

Who knows what will work...if it's like mine (FIL & MIL) no matter what or how you say it, you will be the heavy. I guess I should say my parents too. I recently let my kids spend the night with my parents and my DD8 got sick. I told my mom to call me if she got sick a second time, no matter how late. She did not call, I thought all was well. The next day at 10am my mom tells me she was up throwing up all night! I was not happy!!!!! Becasue she waited to tell me I could not get her into the Saturday clinic with the doctor. I tried to explain this to my mom only to have her get mad at me! AT ME!! I asked her to let me know if she threw up...did not say she was bad. My logic, I needed to tell her now, so she would not do it again, because if I didn't say anything, and this came up again I would hear..."Well last time it was okay".

So, I guess, it is a no win situation.

 

[Merriwind]

I'm guessing he didn't knowingly go against your wishes; he probably never gave it a thought.

You're right; he raised his kids a long time ago. He probably never realized the dangers of putting kids into the front seat or of leaving them in a running car. And, for what it's worth, your kids DID know better and apparently said nothing to grandpa.

I would let it drop. If it's bothering you this much, simply cross him off your list of people you can call when you need help.

Wise words!

 

[Scrapfriend]

I'm guessing he didn't knowingly go against your wishes; he probably never gave it a thought.

You're right; he raised his kids a long time ago. He probably never realized the dangers of putting kids into the front seat or of leaving them in a running car. And, for what it's worth, your kids DID know better and apparently said nothing to grandpa.

I would let it drop. If it's bothering you this much, simply cross him off your list of people you can call when you need help.

Been there, had the same MIL/FIL issues. Totally agree with this statement, and that is what I came to realize with my IL, they just were not aware of how things had changed and meant no harm. I just realized that I would not be able to rely on them anymore, because I suspected the same would happen again even if I did bring them up to speed with current laws and safety info. Or it would be some other issue I had not thought of.

 

[Wendybird55]

It's your choice if you think it necessary to speak with him. You can use it as a lesson learned, say nothing, and know not to ask his help again. BUT - you may be in a dire situation where you have not other choice but to use his help, or being your FIL, he will have more interactions with your children and may not "think of things" in other situations. It's a tough call.

If you do speak with him I would take the approach barkely suggested and talk about how he could have gotten a ticket for having a child ride up front or gotten in trouble for leaving children unattended. Take the side that you're helping him. Things have changed since he had kids and he may not be aware of all the laws now and you don't want him getting a ticket or his license suspended.

Also say that there are many concerned people out there now who think nothing of reporting unattended children to the police.

Just let him know that you told your children that they can only ride in the back seat of a car for their safety. And you would appreciate it if he helped uphold that rule.

Chances are he did this out of not knowing better - it's been awhile since he had young children and things have changed. Sometimes you think, it's a miracle some of us are still here based on what we could do as a kid. I remember station wagons that had a seat that pulled up in the back - so kids were sitting all the way in the back of a station wagon facing the big window in the back with no seatbelts! All you need is one car to hit you in the back of the car and that would be it!

 

[bumbershoot]

Sometimes you think, it's a miracle some of us are still here based on what we could do as a kid. I remember station wagons that had a seat that pulled up in the back - so kids were sitting all the way in the back of a station wagon facing the big window in the back with no seatbelts! All you need is one car to hit you in the back of the car and that would be it!

Riding that way was so fun.

One of my dad's favorite stories was having me at about 3 riding on his lap, steering his big ol' truck. Not rurally, either, in a city on a proper 45 mph cross-town street.

Then my mom remarried, and his father owned a gas station and towing company. My (then) stepdad spent his teen years and early 20s helping his dad clean up accidents in the 60s and 70s.

First thing my stepdad did was install not-legally-required (grandfathered in) seatbelts in our classic 55 Chevy. He had seen too many horrifying things in those years of towing cars before seatbelts were required or carseats were made and made safer.



We like to avoid difficult discussions with my MIL, b/c she's just mean. With my dad it's a little easier b/c he had kids in the 80s and 90s, so he's had a primer in newfangled safety; he's not stuck in the 70s with me "driving" at 3. He still thinks I'm a bit silly, but oh well. Dad lives in CA and we don't need MIL for anything. If we DID need MIL for something and she did that, my hubby would have to talk with her. He would probably get all the state laws, to really let her know that things have changed since her kids were little. Her own daughter doesn't really care about laws (heck, her hubby was a felon that she met in the halfway house while working as a counselor...he was also an active heroin user and she had two kids with him during that time...she just doesn't seem to care about safety, ya know?) so we're different even from her other kids... But if she were needed, and if she wanted to help, she would *have to* know the rules and follow the rules.

 

[_queenie_]

FILs, so it's not just me.

I wish that was the only kind of problem with mine!
A great example of the way he acts (a big believer of '30s logic, though his oldest was born in '59) is how a few months ago my DD13 was just trying to take a picture of a bird outside (after my MIL asked her to) and he told her she was "really in truly thick" for accidentally moving to fast and making the bird fly away. That's one of many preposterous things he has said, never mind the unsafe things he has done!

 

[Butwhyistherumgone?]

Thank you for all the responces and advise

I asked my DD about sitting up front and she said (much to my surprize) she didn't know that it wasnt ok We never have addressed it - they always sit in the back seat in the boosters and we never discussed with them why. Lesson learned on my part. She just thought it was a fun thing Papa was letting her do.

For now I won't be using his "services" again and since I know how he is I am not sure I will say anything about it.( at least for now) I certainly will if there EVER is a need to have him pick them up again.

Oh and to answer a question someone had.... I had talked with him about the boosters the night before and told him how to use them, so he was aware of that.

I have learned several things from this.