OT-family problems

[renae3]

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[babyrich]

While I think your feelings are justified. I would try not to let it get to you. These type of things can tear families apart. First of all, if you have made attempts to reach out to your cousin and she has not met you halfway, than drop it. Dont keep extending yourself to get nothing in return. If she comes around one day, than you can be there for her.

As for your mother. If she is spending time with your cousin that you feel should be spent with you. Than tell your mother how you feel. But if she is just spending time with her, and it does not intrude on your time. Than let it be.

I would definately avoid going on vacation with any of them again. We vacationed with my sister once and she expected us to follow her around like baby ducks. First and last time we do that. My in laws asked about coming with us on one of our Disney trips. My DH said they are more than welcome to go when we go; but we wouldnt be spending the entire vacation with them. We like to get up early, they like to sleep late. They seemed relieved and told him that we can hang out for a dinner or two. Maybe a few hours in MK. So this might work.

 

[ms_missy66]

I get why you'd feel slighted. I'm really close to my mom and if one of my cousins sort of got in on my "territory" I'd feel a little miffed. But could it be possible that your cousin is giving to your mom when she really wants from you? I'll bet she really wants to be involved in your life, but you being ore private she manifests that desire in your cousin, who lets her in. Maybe she wants to be super close with your kids, but you're not comfortable leaving the with her, so she attaches herself to your cousin's kids.

Bottomline, though, is that I wouldn't say their relationship sounds abnormal. It sounds like two people needed something and connect because they can give it to each other. It's just a bummer that what they have has made you feel a little left out. :-(

 

[JUJU814]

It sounds as if you are jealous. I don't think it's not understandable, but it doesn't sound like they've done anything wrong, but rather that you are jealous of their relationship.

Regarding the two different travel styles thing, seriously, that is no big deal. It's a major reason why I just do NOT travel with others. When we take a vacation, we want to do what we want to do and just choose to go alone. We did go with my best friend and her family several years ago and we split up a LOT. I anticipated it and it worked out ok. I don't feel there was anything for you to be upset about there. When you were planning the vacation, did you know they weren't like you?

Truthfully, it's not unusual for someone to be very close with their aunt/uncle or neice/nephew. It is after all, family.

Your mom invited you to go on the trip. You're just upset because you can't go because you're taking your kids out of school already? Again, oh well. She asked you to go. You have to make a choice.

Why on earth would your mother be very hurt if you were vacationing with and very close with your aunt? That really sounds strange. You are talking about FAMILY. Why would anyone be hurt over that? How is that crossing boundaries??? It's not. I'm sorry, but you are wrong. I don't mean it as harsh, but this is a case of pure jealousy. You asked if you were wrong, and this is just my honest opinion.

You say your cousin is still upset about the Disney trip. Well, I sort of don't blame her. It sounds like you tried to micromanage the trip on everyone's behalf. Good for her for doing what she wanted on what was HER vacation also.

Since your cousin's parents aren't in her life, it's wonderful that she has family that are "parent figures" that she can have a close relationship with.

I would be very careful about speaking up about this. It truly sounds as if you are experiencing a lot of jealousy.

You're sort of complaining that your mom wants to be overly involved in your life and that you're a private person...well, here's your chance to be private and let her meddle elsewhere if that's what she's doing.

Both you and your cousin are grown adults. There's nothing wrong that your cousin invited your folks to go on a cruise with them. Besides, you already decided they have DIFFERENT travel styles, so why would you want to go anyway?

Just accept your differences and move on.

Jealousy is a tough thing and it will eat away at you. I encourage you to try to work through this first and get to the root of what it is that's REALLY eating at you. Is your husband supportive? What does he think?

I totally understand what it's like to have a relationship with mom that's overly involved in my life. I've allowed most of it early on and it's hard to try to "separate" .

I don't mean anything I said as a flame or to be harsh, but since you asked and I had extra time this morning, I tried to dissect your post and offer my thoughts.

Hope it all works out for you!!

 

[mjkacmom]

Are you an only child? I ask, because I have a sister, and my mom helps us both out, in different ways. We live in the same town as my parents, so my kids see them a lot, as do I. They take our kids places, come to their games and shows, etc. My sister lives a plane ride away, so my mom goes out there about every other month, and stays about a week. My sister and her DH vacation a few times a year while my mom watches the kids.

My mom doesn't like to keep my kids overnight for more than a night or 2, so we get much less vacation sitting. However, we benefit from the daily help. it sounds as if you have a sibling problem, more than a cousin problem. My aunt has her 2 adult kids in the area, and has to really try to make things equal with her grandkids (who are all around the same age).

Both your mom and your cousin are benefitting from the relationship they have established, and it's not causing conflict with your kids. The only issue is your jealousy, which you need to deal with.

 

[Hannathy]

It sounds as if you are jealous. I don't think it's not understandable, but it doesn't sound like they've done anything wrong, but rather that you are jealous of their relationship.

Regarding the two different travel styles thing, seriously, that is no big deal. It's a major reason why I just do NOT travel with others. When we take a vacation, we want to do what we want to do and just choose to go alone. We did go with my best friend and her family several years ago and we split up a LOT. I anticipated it and it worked out ok. I don't feel there was anything for you to be upset about there. When you were planning the vacation, did you know they weren't like you?

Truthfully, it's not unusual for someone to be very close with their aunt/uncle or neice/nephew. It is after all, family.

Your mom invited you to go on the trip. You're just upset because you can't go because you're taking your kids out of school already? Again, oh well. She asked you to go. You have to make a choice.

Why on earth would your mother be very hurt if you were vacationing with and very close with your aunt? That really sounds strange. You are talking about FAMILY. Why would anyone be hurt over that? How is that crossing boundaries??? It's not. I'm sorry, but you are wrong. I don't mean it as harsh, but this is a case of pure jealousy. You asked if you were wrong, and this is just my honest opinion.

You say your cousin is still upset about the Disney trip. Well, I sort of don't blame her. It sounds like you tried to micromanage the trip on everyone's behalf. Good for her for doing what she wanted on what was HER vacation also.

Since your cousin's parents aren't in her life, it's wonderful that she has family that are "parent figures" that she can have a close relationship with.

I would be very careful about speaking up about this. It truly sounds as if you are experiencing a lot of jealousy.

You're sort of complaining that your mom wants to be overly involved in your life and that you're a private person...well, here's your chance to be private and let her meddle elsewhere if that's what she's doing.

Both you and your cousin are grown adults. There's nothing wrong that your cousin invited your folks to go on a cruise with them. Besides, you already decided they have DIFFERENT travel styles, so why would you want to go anyway?

Just accept your differences and move on.

Jealousy is a tough thing and it will eat away at you. I encourage you to try to work through this first and get to the root of what it is that's REALLY eating at you. Is your husband supportive? What does he think?

I totally understand what it's like to have a relationship with mom that's overly involved in my life. I've allowed most of it early on and it's hard to try to "separate" .

I don't mean anything I said as a flame or to be harsh, but since you asked and I had extra time this morning, I tried to dissect your post and offer my thoughts.

Hope it all works out for you!!

I think you hit the nail right on the head and agree.

I'm really not getting what you have to be upset over. Your cousin is doing everything you said you didn't want to do, so where is the problem. No one is making you do any of it, you have your private life, she has hers. She is an adult and can decide on her own who can watch her kids and you decide about yours. Maybe she feels you are too overprotective?

It sounds a lot to me like you say one thing wanting a private life but when that is what people give you you really don't want that. You really only want it private when it suits you. Sorry tho you can't have it both ways, remember you can't have your cake and eat it to.

Sorry your feelings are hurt but either open up and go with the flow more or be glad your Mom has someone with similar styles to spend time with and enjoy and therefore gives you the freedom you want. She invited you on her trip, did you invite her on yours?

You also should be glad for your Mom that she has found someone similar to give her enjoyment because we should want those people dear to us to also find joy in their lives.

 

[OceanAnnie]

You are in a tough position. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

While I think your feelings are justified. I would try not to let it get to you. These type of things can tear families apart. First of all, if you have made attempts to reach out to your cousin and she has not met you halfway, than drop it. Dont keep extending yourself to get nothing in return. If she comes around one day, than you can be there for her.

As for your mother. If she is spending time with your cousin that you feel should be spent with you. Than tell your mother how you feel. But if she is just spending time with her, and it does not intrude on your time. Than let it be.

I would definately avoid going on vacation with any of them again. We vacationed with my sister once and she expected us to follow her around like baby ducks. First and last time we do that. My in laws asked about coming with us on one of our Disney trips. My DH said they are more than welcome to go when we go; but we wouldnt be spending the entire vacation with them. We like to get up early, they like to sleep late. They seemed relieved and told him that we can hang out for a dinner or two. Maybe a few hours in MK. So this might work.

I agree.

I also agree with JUJU814, to a point. I think you feel jealous too. It's perfectly understandable and justified IMO. It's not just that they are doing things together, but what brought them together sounds like their disdain for your Disney vacation that you planned. That would really hurt. You had planned your vacation and they wanted to come. Great. They did what they wanted to. Great. You and your family did as you had previously planned. That should've been great too! Why should they be upset over your vacation? You didn't force them to do anything. But it's okay for them to have expectations of you and your family to do as they wanted? That is not cool at all.

I'd stop trying to contact the cousin. She has the problem, not you. Be nice when you see her, but not overly so. She needs to get over herself! Nothing wrong with telling your mom how you feel about their getting closer. Fine if she does things with her that doesn't take away time from your mother/daughter relationship. But the underlying reason why they are getting closer does seem like a grudge and that is a wedge. It does seem like their getting closer is at the expense of your relationship with your mom. Your mom should know that.

No more vacations with grudge holding cousin!

I'd feel the same way as you. Good luck with everything.

 

[Joyful3Heart]

As for your mother. If she is spending time with your cousin that you feel should be spent with you. Than tell your mother how you feel. But if she is just spending time with her, and it does not intrude on your time. Than let it be.

I'd stop trying to contact the cousin. She has the problem, not you. Be nice when you see her, but not overly so. She needs to get over herself! Nothing wrong with telling your mom how you feel about their getting closer. Fine if she does things with her that doesn't take away time from your mother/daughter relationship. But the underlying reason why they are getting closer does seem like a grudge and that is a wedge. It does seem like their getting closer is at the expense of your relationship with your mom. Your mom should know that.

No more vacations with grudge holding cousin!

My thoughts exactly!
I'm sorry for how you are feeling, but it sounds like you and your mom are pretty close and I think it's okay just to talk to her. She doesn't need to dump your cousin, but she may not even realize that you are feeling this way. I know my mom would want to know...

 

[Hannathy]

Would someone please explain to me why her Mom should give up going on vacation and spending time with her niece and her children and be alone just because her daughter is jealous? The OP has stated she doesn't want to vacation with her Mom, or let her watch her children or to be open and have her Mom involved in her life to the extent the cousin does (and her Mom obviously enjoys). So why should her Mom the cousin and possibly the cousins children all suffer because she is jealous?

So one person should dictate all these lives and possibly her Mom's happiness to get it her way? sounds rather spoiled to me.

 

[shalom]

Hence, we had 2 totally different vacation styles and in the end they were very hurt and my parents took their side. Since then, my cousin who I should add was very close with me.....has basically had nothing to do with me.

If it were me, this is where the hurt would be focused - the fact that you'd done nothing wrong (vacationed according to your style, assumed they were happy vacationing in their style), but your parents "took their side" when your cousin was offended. I'd be pretty irked if I felt my parents were encouraging your cousin's attitude, since this is basically a clash of styles rather than you doing something wrong to your cousin. Your cousin is taking offense at nothing, IMHO, but OTOH there's nothing you can do about that.

Anyway, my cousin has no problem leaving her kids with my mom and has often said to me...wow you could go away and leave your kids with your mom and you don't thats crazy! Little does she know the reason either!

I'm guessing this is less about your cousin not "knowing" how your mom is, and more a style difference, too. I would never leave my kids with my MIL back in the day, while most of our in-laws on that side made a regular practice of it. It isn't that they didn't see what I saw; it's that what bothered me didn't bother them.

My mom is overly involved with my life, or at least she tries to be, she has that type of personality, has to know everything even if it has nothing to do with her. I am more of a private person and I know she hates that. My cousin is very open with her and my mother eats that up.

All the way through your post, this is what I'm hearing - that you know your mom and your cousin have personalities that mesh better than your personality and your mom's. Yes?

Has anyone had a similar situation? Should I say something? Should I keep my mouth shut?

I have a similar situation, but it's my mom and my sister rather than my mom and a cousin. My mom isn't like your mom in wanting that kind of "enmeshed relationship," but my mom and my sister have much more similar personalities and are in some ways way closer and are definitely more comfortable with each other. Which means, alas, that mom is much more likely to take my sister's side in things. Although she's been known to have these great revelations where she calls me up, "Did you know your sister does x, y, and z?" and I'll be going, "Yeah, mom; where've you been all her life?" But she forgets these issues almost immediately and then is again shocked when my sister is... my sister.

If you've already discussed the vacation where your cousin got offended and your mom shot you down with "you should have done what they wanted" or whatever, then I wouldn't bring it up again. From what you've said here, it sounds like your mom expects a kind of relationship out of you that isn't healthy, and if that's the case, she's not going to "get" that you honestly haven't done anything wrong, or that your cousin honestly has no grounds for the way she's acting. If your cousin has a similar personality, then they're both going to think you should have acted totally differently and they're just not going to be able to get past that.

My cousin barely speaks to me....only at family holidays which are very uncomfortable, she still is upset about the disney trip! I have tried by calling, sending cards, inviting her to family functions, but you can definitely tell she is not recipricating. Therefore, I continue to be myself, and try not to let this get to me, but it does.

When an adult sulks like a child, that'll get to anybody, even if you're not the one they're mad at. I would continue to invite her to family functions that're appropriate for her and otherwise let it lie, which it sounds you're already doing.

Last year my cousing went on a cruise and only invited my parents, who declined only because it was to short of notice. Is this strange or normal? Please help me! Thanks so much for reading this...I know I rambled on a lot!

Very normal, but not very healthy. Both your mom and your cousin seem to be "high need," to expect attention and closeness that most people can't or won't tolerate, and when two people like that find each other they can get very close, whether they have a close relationship family-wise or not. It does sound like your mom and your cousin have some serious boundary issues, where there's almost a sense that they don't know where they end and where the people they love begin. They want a closeness and a "unity of mind" that simply isn't possible between two people long term unless one of them becomes a reflection of the other.

It's not surprising you're somewhat jealous of that, but it sounds to me like you also know on some level that it isn't healthy in the long run. Those kind of relationships do look really wonderful from the outside, but they can get pretty stifling as well. There's probably good reason you keep a bit of distance from your mom. If she's someone who crosses boundaries and has gotten very close to your cousin, either your cousin will narrow her life to what your mom wants, or she'll pretend to, or she'll reach a point where she just isn't going to be what your mom wants and there'll be a huge fall out. None of those are good things.

But I wonder if your desire to challenge the situation is another example of crossing boundaries? I am sure you're right that your mom would feel threatened and hurt if you had a relationship that close with an aunt, but does that mean you should feel the same way? Your mom has unrealistic expectations about how you should act toward her and others, but perhaps you have some unrealistic expectations as well. If you maintain healthy boundaries with your mom, but she wants a relationship with unhealthy boundaries, basically she has two choices. First, she could recognize that she has some issues and find a way to work those through in a healthy fashion. OR second, she could find some one who shares similar unhealthy attitudes, and get her fix that way.

I'm pretty sure she's going for door number two. Probably you're right that the relationship is crossing boundaries and causing trouble. But you're not the one in a position to fix that, y'know? The main problem is the relationship between your cousin and your mom. You're suffering fall out from that problem relationship, but you're not in it, if you see what I mean. You can do what you can to keep your relationships with both of them healthy, but you can't improve their relationship with each other. The problem is that your mom and cousin both have unhealthy needs that they're using the relationship to care for, and you can't fix that. You can help them and support them in healthy ways, but if they don't want to change or don't want your help that's their right.

All you can change is your own reaction to the situation. Posting it here and laying it out is a good first step for that - you need to get a little distance from what's going on and get some perspective. Not distance from your mom, hopefully, but enough distance from what's going on that you can remember you love your mom and she'll always be special to you, but that she's also human and you're an adult now, so sometimes you're the one who has to be "the grown up" even if she is "the mom." She'll always be your mom and you'll always be her daughter, even if she ends up spending more time with your cousin than with you.

It sounds to me like you're doing a good job in a difficult situation. I hope it gets better soon.

 

[renae3]

Actually I need to clarify a few things. I would have no problem going on vacation with my parents again. We went to rehoboth last year with them alone, no problems at all. We also went to disney with them years ago, before the kids, again no problems at all. They are not planners and were happy that we had planned everything. We assumed they would be like that on the last disney trip, but with my cousin it seemed everything was different. My cousin obviously wanted to do their own thing, which truthfully was fine with us, it was when she got angry at us for doing our own thing that upset us. We have different vacation styles, we get that, but dont be angry with us for that. I truely think she made a big deal out of nothing. It was our big disney trip, we planned it before they were coming, we told them we planned to do all 4 parks and all meals were planned, they knew that. They chose to do only 2 parks and eat of site mostly. I guess they had different expectations and thats when everything went bad. As for vacationing with my mom, I do still feel hurt. I mean I enjoy vacationing with my parents, just not sure why my cousin feels she needs to cause problems and intrude, that is how I feel. Again, maybe I wouldn't feel so bad if things were better with my cousin, but being we barely speak this rubs me the wrong way. I feel she is wanting a mother in my mom, and grandparents for her children. I feel she is causing problems with me and my mother and does not care....she is an only child by the way..I have a brother. I guess I am jealous, but I am pretty close with my mom and enjoy having her in my life, I feel this is definitely causing a rift though. Thanks again for letting me vent....any other thoughts?

 

[shalom]

I mean I enjoy vacationing with my parents, just not sure why my cousin feels she needs to cause problems and intrude, that is how I feel.

I think she feels she has that right because your mom is giving her that right. From my perspective, if your mom is inviting your cousin into her life, then your cousin is not intruding.

Again, maybe I wouldn't feel so bad if things were better with my cousin, but being we barely speak this rubs me the wrong way.

Totally understandable.

I feel she is causing problems with me and my mother and does not care....she is an only child by the way..I have a brother. I guess I am jealous, but I am pretty close with my mom and enjoy having her in my life, I feel this is definitely causing a rift though. Thanks again for letting me vent....any other thoughts?

Is your mom open to vacationing with your without the cousin? If your mom likes to do things with your cousin I don't see that as a problem - but if your mom won't vacation with you without your cousin of course that's a huge issue. But in that case the problem isn't your cousin doing anything wrong, but your mom trying to control you. If your mom isn't insisting you invite the cousin if you invite your parents, then your cousin's relationship with your mom might mean it's tougher to get together with your mom, but you're a planner and can probably adjust to that.

If your mom is happy to go on vacation with you and go out with your without bringing the cousin into it, but she's less "on call" because she's committed to watching the cousin's kids or whatever, then that's not fun for you but I don't think your cousin is to blame. As you say, your mom likes that kind of relationship. If your mom expects you to let your cousin run your relationship with your mom (by coming along on trips or whatever), then that's a serious problem, but your cousin still isn't to blame for the choices your mom makes. You feel that your cousin is "butting in", but your mom may welcome that relationship, and your mom gets a say, too.

Clearly, your cousin is a difficult person, and I wouldn't want to hang around your mom as much if your cousin is there a lot, either. But ultimately, the problem is not your cousin but your mom's choice to have her there. If your cousin wanted your mom to be a mom to her and a grandparent to her kids and your mom wasn't interested, that wouldn't be a problem. Or at least, it wouldn't be your problem.

Maybe you could tell your mom that you're missing time with her and want to make a real effort to see her more often, then schedule some time to do it?

 

[renae3]

Wow, I really think you hit the nail on the end! My mom always has had difficulty with boundaries and I think my cousins need for a mother figure has contributed to the unhealthy nature of their relationship. Wmom has always been one to say whats on her mind, I should say without thinking of how that might hurt the other ones feelings. I have learned to smile and let most of it go, but at times now I guess since I had kids I have learned to speak up and if she says something that is crossing the line I let her know. She ofcourse never thinks she is crossing the line, so that is why most times it is better to just let it go and not cause any problems. I love my mother dearly and understand she is who she is and have accepted that. My issue is more my cousin stepping in and praying on everything. Truely things have recently gotten bad because my cousin has deliberately, at least I feel that way, encouraged a closer relationship with my mother. How would she feel if I contacted her mother and went away on vacation alone with her mother, surely she would see how this could be a problem? So, should I confront my mother, my cousin?? if so, what could I say? I think Shalom is right they both have similar personalities and would not even understand where I am coming from. They most likely would think I am being selfish, yes I know they would. And yes after and during the disney trip my mother took my cousins side. Another thing that irked me at that time was my cousin only talked to my mother about the disney trip....not once did she talk to me, which I always thought was so immature, alas I put that all behind me and have moved on. Its just hurtful when my mother brings her up like she is some sick cat that she needs to foster....by the way my mom does foster sick cats!

 

[ktlm]

If your mother and your cousin are enjoying their relationship, then it is not their problem it is yours. You should not interfere. Personally, I think that your cousin is very jealous of you because she wishes she had a Mom like yours. I also think you are very jealous of your cousin because she is getting some of your Mom's attention. I think you are squabbling like children, and I don't think it helps any of you. If you and your cousin keep fighting, the only person it is going to hurt is your Mom. Take the higher road and give your cousin a break.

Your cousin did not have a very good family life and she needs the support of your mother. Your mother appears happy to give it to her. Did you ever think that the reason your cousin didn't eat on property or do all the things you wanted to do at WDW might be because she couldn't afford it? I don't know if that is the case, but maybe she hasn't treated you that well since the trip because she is jealous that you got to do all those fun things and she couldn't? Maybe she got hurt because she expected you to scale back and stick with her, but that is her problem, because she shouldn't. You shouldn't have to give up the things you want to do on your WDW trip.

I'm not saying you don't have a right to your feelings, you certainly do. But, I also think you need to step back and look at the big picture. You might need to share your Mom with this person that you claim you were very close with.

We have a similar situation, except it is sibling. We do not travel at all like my inlaws, especially SIL/BIL. We went on one trip (not WDW) with them and we were miserable. They like to sit in the hotel room and go to the pool and basically not take advantage of the activities where they are or do anything that costs money. They got irritated when we left and did things. The next time, we told them, we will go but we are going to do what we want to do and when you want to join us feel free. SIL/BIL weren't really happy with that (because their DD gets upset and jealous when she doesn't get to do things and they won't let us just take her with us), but we aren't going to spend a bunch of money to sit inside a hotel room. We don't travel with SIL/BIL anymore. MIL and FIL alternate between taking trips with us and with them. They are fine either following us around or letting us do our own thing when they need a rest or don't want to join us. The separate trips work out great for everyone.

MIL and FIL do spend more time with the sibling than with us. She is more needy. They live closer to her. They all have a completely different style of doing anything than we do. We just deal with it and love them anyway.

We also have the situation, where there is no way we leave DD with MIL/FIL as much as we love them. MIL has health issues and can't keep up with DD and FIL is totally inattentive. He told me to go eat a sandwich while he watched her when she was 2, and within 3 minutes I found her in the laundry room with bleach. SIL has left her DD with them all the time since she was born. MIL/FIL didn't understand it at first and FIL would get mad, but they finally realized that my DD was way more active and they really couldn't deal with her.

I think you just need to tell your Mom that sometimes you get a little jealous of your cousin, but that you will try no to. I think you need to try to mend fences with your cousin if you can. Maybe talk to her about how SHE is feeling, and let her know what you feel too, WITHOUT being accusatory or hostile. I think you are just going to have to deal with your cousin and Mom's relationship.

 

[mjkacmom]

If your mother and your cousin are enjoying their relationship, then it is not their problem it is yours. You should not interfere. Personally, I think that your cousin is very jealous of you because she wishes she had a Mom like yours. I also think you are very jealous of your cousin because she is getting some of your Mom's attention. I think you are squabbling like children, and I don't think it helps any of you. If you and your cousin keep fighting, the only person it is going to hurt is your Mom. Take the higher road and give your cousin a break.

Your cousin did not have a very good family life and she needs the support of your mother. Your mother appears happy to give it to her. Did you ever think that the reason your cousin didn't eat on property or do all the things you wanted to do at WDW might be because she couldn't afford it? I don't know if that is the case, but maybe she hasn't treated you that well since the trip because she is jealous that you got to do all those fun things and she couldn't? Maybe she got hurt because she expected you to scale back and stick with her, but that is her problem, because she shouldn't. You shouldn't have to give up the things you want to do on your WDW trip.

I'm not saying you don't have a right to your feelings, you certainly do. But, I also think you need to step back and look at the big picture. You might need to share your Mom with this person that you claim you were very close with.

We have a similar situation, except it is sibling. We do not travel at all like my inlaws, especially SIL/BIL. We went on one trip (not WDW) with them and we were miserable. They like to sit in the hotel room and go to the pool and basically not take advantage of the activities where they are or do anything that costs money. They got irritated when we left and did things. The next time, we told them, we will go but we are going to do what we want to do and when you want to join us feel free. SIL/BIL weren't really happy with that (because their DD gets upset and jealous when she doesn't get to do things and they won't let us just take her with us), but we aren't going to spend a bunch of money to sit inside a hotel room. We don't travel with SIL/BIL anymore. MIL and FIL alternate between taking trips with us and with them. They are fine either following us around or letting us do our own thing when they need a rest or don't want to join us. The separate trips work out great for everyone.

MIL and FIL do spend more time with the sibling than with us. She is more needy. They live closer to her. They all have a completely different style of doing anything than we do. We just deal with it and love them anyway.

We also have the situation, where there is no way we leave DD with MIL/FIL as much as we love them. MIL has health issues and can't keep up with DD and FIL is totally inattentive. He told me to go eat a sandwich while he watched her when she was 2, and within 3 minutes I found her in the laundry room with bleach. SIL has left her DD with them all the time since she was born. MIL/FIL didn't understand it at first and FIL would get mad, but they finally realized that my DD was way more active and they really couldn't deal with her.

I think you just need to tell your Mom that sometimes you get a little jealous of your cousin, but that you will try no to. I think you need to try to mend fences with your cousin if you can. Maybe talk to her about how SHE is feeling, and let her know what you feel too, WITHOUT being accusatory or hostile. I think you are just going to have to deal with your cousin and Mom's relationship.

I agree with all of this. I honestly can't see how the relationship between mom and the cousin is unhealthy. The cousin doesn't have parent figures, so mom can fill this role. I see nothing wrong with relatives vacationing together, whether it be parents, or aunts and uncles. I have aunts and uncles that go on some great vacations - wish they'd take us! However, we've vacationed with my parents several times, but my sister and her family have chose not to, so far.

 

[bumbershoot]

I'm having a very hard time seeing anything unhealthy about a cousin and aunt doing things together. Especially since you don't need her for childcare; the ONLY reason my aunt isn't out here visiting us often is because her grandkids are nearby and she does spend quite a bit of time with them and with her daughter. Before the kids came along and before my cousin got a parttime job where sometimes she needed her mom's help, my aunt came out relatively often.

The ONLY problem I see with ANY of this is that you aren't being honest about your mom's health problems! I think you *have to* tell your cousin why you don't let her watch them..if you think it's unsafe for your kids to be around a person falling asleep all the time, why on earth are you letting your cousin's kids be around her alone? And your mom should know! It's not like my situation, where we didn't let MIL alone with DS until he was 4 b/c we wanted to make sure that if she hit him, he'd be able to tell us, and also so that he was too old to be forcefed things that we don't want him to be fed (both are issues DH and his sibs had with their mom). Heck, MIL even figured that one out and jokes about it...I don't see why you can't tell your mom. Does your mom have blood sugar issues? In the year or so before DH was diagnosed, he was falling asleep at the drop of a hat. And it was worse when he had things like sodas, where the sugar isn't proper sugar. My telling him that it wasn't unacceptable to be falling asleep like that made him realize how often he did it, which helped him accept the later diagnosis and life changes he had to make.

Your mom deserves to know that her health issues are having an impact on kids.


You say that your cousin isn't reciprocating...but your mom invited you on this trip they are all taking. Unless you think your mom did that without cousin's knowledge, I would say that this just might be the olive branch. They know your touring style, but they are inviting you anyway...and you didn't say that they had restrictions on it, like you have to be tethered to them...sounds like they might be trying to mend something there.


Let your cousin have a relationship with your mom, especially since it seems they are totally different from what you have. I loved my mom very very very much, and enjoyed time with her...but when she died, I realized how much my aunt and I are alike. We even *look* more alike than my mom and I did. My cousin and her mom have their things...my aunt and I have our own things.

 

[amamax2]

You say that your cousin isn't reciprocating...but your mom invited you on this trip they are all taking. Unless you think your mom did that without cousin's knowledge, I would say that this just might be the olive branch. They know your touring style, but they are inviting you anyway...and you didn't say that they had restrictions on it, like you have to be tethered to them...sounds like they might be trying to mend something there.

.

I'm not going to comment on the rest as so many others have already done a good job, but your mom inviting you along on the vacation did jump out at me.

Not sure if your cousin knew/was extending an olive branch (would be great if that was the case!), but it is clear your MOM wants to vacation with YOU again. Have you gone anywhere with her since the disasterous WDW trip? Sounds like SHE, at least, is missing vacationing with YOU. And if she knows you take your kids out of school for vacations, I don't see anything malicious with her extending the invitation when it means taking your kids out of school - she doesn't know you are already doing so for a different vacation.

Maybe you can plan a vacation with just her and let her know that since you and your cousin have different traveling styles, and that you are aware the WDW trip caused problems because of it, you would prefer to not include the cousin.

Good Luck!

 

[renae3]

any other thoughts out there? Thanks again!

 

[PollyannaMom]

As an outsider, I kind of see the part about your mom and cousin being close as OK. With her mother gone, it's natural for your cousin to turn to aunt, and for your mom to want to be a gradma-figure to any of the children in the family who need one. (One of my aunts has done some of that for DS, since my mom passed away before he was born.) But it's also natural for you to be a little jealous. - I'd just try to notice that you're feeling that, and then brush past it when you can. As long as your mom is paying attention to you too, would you be able to think of sharing some of her time as a good deed?

But, I do think it's ridiculous for your cousin to still be mad about the trip! You had already planned it, and then they asked to come along. So it was a yes-or-no to an already set event, not a compromise situation. They should not have expected you to change the trip style to accomodate them. If you want to get close to her again, you probably will have to sit down and talk about it. It sounds like she doesn't understand your point of view, and has not told you all of hers either.

 

[Wendy5055]

OK...here's my take.

I feel you are justified in feeling what you feel...you are feeling left out and pushed aside. The way I see it, YOU are your mother's daughter NOT your cousin...your mother's duty is to you (and your brother) BEFORE your cousin. That is not to say that she cannot enjoy a relationship with your cousin. You will need to understand that you have reasons for doing/not doing certain things with your mom. I don't feel you need to announce your reasons to your family members either...that would be hurtful to your mom, appear as an attempt to tear apart her relationship with your cousin and difficult for you as you state you are a private person. Remember: your reasons are your own...they do not belong to your cousin and only you can be responsible for your relationship with your mother.

Let's be clear here...you did NOT force your cousin and her family on vacation with you and your parents...you did NOT force them to follow your plans as they seemed to do what they wanted...SHE was/is angry with you about the vacation. What happened...was there an argument or something?????? I am unsure, but seems like something is missing.

Additionally, if you are unable to go on the vacation your parents are going on with your (angry at you) cousin because of your own planned vacationn(which your parents do not know about), just simply decline and let them know you already have a vacation planned. There is NO rule about having to vacation with extended family members.

Now, stop reaching out...that is unnecessary and quite frankly it seems a bit needy (especially if you have not done anything wrong...it just makes it look like you did and that is putting wind in your cousins sails). You need to just concentrate on your immediate family and your own relationship with your mother. Just leave your cousin out of it.

Your vacation with your cousin is done...over...long past. It is time to let go and move on. If your cousin is unable then so be it, but you have the choice and I would strongly recommend to let it go. You have learned your lesson.