OT: Dads... is this just "boys will be boys"?

[jensen]

x

 

[HCinKC]

I am a mom, but I had this exact thing happen to me! I was in high school though. It was a cold day, and a good friend (who was a guy), pantsed me at track practice. To make it extra embarrassing, I was wearing Garfield undies...yup, a 16yo girl pantsed in Garfield undies in front of the track team at a large high school. My friend actually felt bad and apologized later. We just had to laugh it off.

While I agree that it is mortifying...from personal experience!...I also think it is usually an innocent prank. If I knew my kid had done this, I wouldn't punish him/her, but I would talk to him/her about why this could be upsetting for someone else.

Has the offending kid been a regular to pick on your son? If so, then a talk may be necessary (not because of this specifically, but because of harassment in general). Also, how does your son feel about something like that? Would he be more embarrassed? Or does he feel like it would help? My thoughts...if it regularly happens at track, and this kid is a regular offender, I would speak to the coach in private and see if he could address it with the kids in private.

I am sorry you are even dealing with this. No matter how old kids get, it seems like parents always want to protect them! I hope you can find a solution that your family feels good about!

 

[Cadiewampus]

I am a Dad and my first thought was just let it go if it was an isolated incident but then you say it is not. Without knowing what the other incidents were though I would be inclined to say just let it go and tell him to just walk away. If the incidents were physical I would say have a talk with someone in authority. When my oldest son now 22 was around the same age he and some others had problems with a student. I talked with the school about it. I then told my son that it was perfectly ok to defend himself but in no way was he to start anything. I also told him (I had also told the school this) that if all he was doing was defending himself he may get in trouble with the school but he would not get in trouble with me. He seemed to appreciate that I had his back and that I understood. Lo and behold a couple weeks later a situation arose in which he had to defend himself. He only had to do it once and the other student never gave him anymore trouble. I may sound like a Neanderthal but sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself.

 

[kteeter]

So when I read your post I thought of this story that I read online.

http://thesocialcrat.com/she-did-this-after-the-boy-at-school-snapped-her-bra-what-followed-is-gold/
Granted Snopes said it might be false but it still has a story line.
Boys will be boys but they need to respect each others and learn personal boundries.

 

[mjkacmom]

Another mom, but my ds did this to a friend on the playground in 4th grade. The principal called me, explained what happened (lunch lady saw him and reported it, the boy wasn't upset, ds was VERY upset, realizing immediately he did a bad stupid thing), and that she had no choice but to suspend him, because it was considered sexual harrassment. I had no problem with the punishment - ds had impulse control issues, and I welcomed any and all discipline.

If this was a one time only incident, I'd let it go, because many schools have zero tolerance policies, and if your ds gets picked on now, it might get worse if the pantser gets in big trouble. However, if this student is one that picks on your ds, you might want to approach the coach or principal, if your ds is okay with it.

 

[SEA333]

Embarrassingly now, I was actually suspended in 8th grade for a day because I did this to a boy. it was "gym day" at the end of 1990 in my catholic school, so we were all wearing sweats and t-shirts. The girls had been trying to do it to the boys the whole day, and the boys had been trying to do it back to us - it was a mutual game that we were all (by all, I mean all 11 of us in my class...it was a very small class and most of us had been together since 1st grade) were participating in.

At the very end of the day, right before the bell, we saw one of the boys was turned around putting something in his backpack, so we ran up and yanked on his pants and down they came. He laughed at it and pulled them back up and we all laughed and teased and then left for the day.

The next day I was called to the principal's office. Since I was the one who actually made the pants come down, I was singled out. Fair enough. Apparently the boy went home and told his parents - he swore that he didn't tell them to get anyone in trouble but his parents called and complained anyway. Of course in hindsight, he may have very well been upset and didn't want us to see it - perfectly reasonable story.

We were all good kids - I was never one to be a bully or get into trouble, but we were playing a game that wound up embarrassing the heck out of one kid. I probably would have been embarrassed, too, but not so much that I would have been upset - but only because I was a willing participant in the game and knew that it was a possibility.

Another quick story - DD10 came home from 5th grade yesterday talking about how her and two friends played "lead the blind" game at recess, and her two friends led her right into a fence! DD was embarrassed and a little hurt that her friends would do this, but also realized that her friends were good kids and were just joking around and that DD kind of set herself up for it to happen. Once she realized this, she was totally fine.

In your case, it doesn't sound like your son was a *willing* participant at all....and it is all about perspective. It doesn't matter what the other kid SAYS he did or why, it matters how your son feels. If your son feels threatened or humiliated or embarrassed, do not hesitate to take action! I have the Middle School principal's phone # on speed dial because when we first moved here (end of DS's 5th grade year) he had a LOT of trouble with bullies. He would tell me what was going on, and I would tell the principal and we figured out together how to approach the bullies in a way that they wouldn't know DS was telling. In your case, the principal or the coach could say that a teacher or assistant coach or someone witnessed it.

 

[mcjaco]

I'd mark this off as boys being boys. We used to "pants" each other at cross country and track practice and meets, at marching band practice, etc. Just being dumb.

If it continued where he was being singled out all the time......THEN I'd say you have something to get worked up about.

 

[tina.tina]

I've realized that my DD14 is growing up quickly and needs to take more responsibility for handling her own problems.

So, now when she comes to me and tells me something is bothering her, I tell her my opinion and ask her what she wants to do about it after she's considered my opinion and she's thought about it a little more. I also ask if she needs my help with anything in particular. Sometimes she asks for help and sometimes she says that she wants to handle it on her own. If she asks for help with something that I think she needs to do- like asking to change her exploratory class from Home Ec to a Technology class- I tell her that this is her life and she has to learn to take care of her own business. She finally asked to change her class and felt a sense of accomplishment for doing something that really wasn't that hard after all. I'm trying to make her understand that she has control of her life.

If I were you, I would tell my son that after I had time to think about it, I wanted to make sure he understood that I wasn't dismissing his issues. Ask if he, after having this time to think about it more, feels that something needs to be done or if it's a one time joke thing to let go. If he says let it go, tell him to let you know if there are any more incidents because then he will know it's serious. This way, he doesn't just keep "letting it go" and you don't even know about it.

If he says that he thinks something needs to be done about it, I would ask what he wants to do about it. You could guide him in his decision making by asking questions. Was the coach aware this happened? Did the coach address this at the time? Did the coach take it seriously enough? If he says the coach didn't really do anything, I would ask if he feels like you need to talk to the coach about it. If the coach wasn't aware of it, ask why didn't your DS tell him about it. Does he feel he needs to tell the coach now or does he feel like he should wait to see if there's another incident? What does your DS think he could do to prevent this from happening? You could brainstorm ideas. This way, your DS feels empowered and gains problem solving skills.

If you follow this process, you aren't really left to stew because you feel like you are guiding your child to learn to take care of himself when he is an adult and has to deal with stuff like this on his own.

Maybe I've been writing too many research papers for my education classes

 

[Gumbo4x4]

He needs to grow thicker skin. Typical teen boy stuff when I was in HS. And none of us wore underwear; just jock straps.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

If it became a pattern I'd get involved. This is, so far, a one time deal so I'd let it go for now.

 

[Hezzy04]

The fact that you say he gets picked on a lot is what concerns me. Makes me think maybe this was done to be mean, instead of funny.

 

[Disfan1968]

For better or worse, in our new world "pantsing" someone in a school is usually considered a crime... it is both bullying (depending on context) and sexual harassment. I have seen kids suspended at the school I work at for LONG periods of time for this. My recollection is that one kids accidentally had his underwear taken down at the same time. Obviously not cool.

I do agree kids need thicker skin in general these days, but I also think we need to send a message that exposing someone is just not something we can do these days. Remember too, that often kids will tell you "not to worry about it" or that the kids that did it were "just kidding around" in order to avoid becoming a further target of those kids; so as not to be seen as a snitch. Our kids do not always tell us the whole story.

 

[mcjaco]

I do agree kids need thicker skin in general these days....

I'd argue parents need thicker skin too.

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

The fact that you say he gets picked on a lot is what concerns me. Makes me think maybe this was done to be mean, instead of funny.

I agree. If he is getting picked on a lot, you need to look into the reason why.

 

[jcjen519]

I'm a mom. What happened to your son really bothers me. One thing that we focus on with our son (and he is only five) is that his body is his and other people's are theirs. The kid who did that to your son probably meant it as a joke but that doesn't matter. What matters is how your son felt. I think the other kid has serious issues with boundaries if he's pulling your son's pants down. If my son was bothered by something that someone did that invaded his personal space I would certainly validate that. I think the concept that "you better never do that to someone else but since it happened to you you should just let it go" is not the best message to send.

I would start by sending an email to the teacher of the class or the coach who was in charge at the time letting them know what happened and how it made my child feel. Personally I'd also encourage my son to tell someone when they do something that bothers him and if that doesn't work to seek out an authority figure.

Just my perspective --- my husband's too and he's even a dad

 

[verleniahall]

At our school district, that would be b considered sexual harassment. It needs to be reported. It's uncalled for whether a first incident. Or not of that type. Kids need to learn boundaries. And apparently aren't being taught them at home.

OP - I feel bad for your soon. Hope things get better soon

 

[glassslippergirl]

I'm not a dad, but I taught middle school for 15 years. Pantsing happens a lot, middle schoolers can be harsh, and it's a great time for boys and girls to get a thicker skin.

If you're worried about a pattern of teasing, I'd talk to a guidance counselor. Explain your concerns and ask for her observations about your son. Sometimes, students engage in specific behaviors that lead to them being teased. It's not right, but it's something you can gently work on with him. High school is a lot better.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

In my book, that's definitely not "boys will be boys" behavior. I define that statement as "boys are active, boys are loud, boys are rough and tumble." Pulling another kid's pants down in a public setting is downright mean and should be considered as bullying. If it was a locker room prank where it's just a bunch of boys getting dressed, it would still be mean but I wouldn't necessarily report it (unless it was done so roughly that your son was knocked down or otherwise injured). But to pull down a kid's pants on a track where there are spectators, families, girls? Not OK! The kid did it to get a rise out of humiliating his victim. That kind of behavior needs to be called out and punished.

Several years ago, my DS was in a play at school. They were having tech rehearsal in the theater. The kids who weren't in the scene that was being worked were sitting in the auditorium watching. A kid who had a reputation of being not-so-nice went up behind DS's friend (a very small 4th grader at the time) and "pantsed" him right on the stage. The friend was humiliated and started to cry. Then he was embarrassed because he cried and didn't want to get up there and continue rehearsing the show. All of the other kids rallied around him and told him it was OK. The bullies' parents were called to come and get him. The director and the school principal had a long talk with him and his parents the next day. They wanted to remove him from the show and not refund their registration fees. Ultimately they decided that it wouldn't be fair to the other kids to take him out two days before the show opened. He had a few lines and trying to have another child learn the role last minute would have been difficult. He did the shows, but was told not to come to any cast gatherings. He was also told by the production company that he was not welcome to be in their future shows. The principal backed them up. To make matters worse, his mom is a teacher at the school. She was beyond embarrassed! I was very glad to see that such a mean-spirited act was not taken lightly.

 

[jcjen519]

I'm not a dad, but I taught middle school for 15 years. Pantsing happens a lot, middle schoolers can be harsh, and it's a great time for boys and girls to get a thicker skin.

If you're worried about a pattern of teasing, I'd talk to a guidance counselor. Explain your concerns and ask for her observations about your son. Sometimes, students engage in specific behaviors that lead to them being teased. It's not right, but it's something you can gently work on with him. High school is a lot better.

Instead of being a great time to get a thicker skin it might be a great time for kids to learn what kind of behavior will and won't be tolerated. Its unacceptable to put your hands on another person and certainly to expose them like was done to OPs son. He doesn't need a thicker skin, the kid who pantsed him needs to learn a lesson on boundaries.

 

[texasrachel]

Enough with the thicker skin crap. How is pantsing someone acceptable behavior? No one has ever done that to me in my adult life. And the teenage years are for learning how to be an adult. So now the other kid knows he can bully and forcibly take someone else's clothes off and it's okay because it's a joke? No. Not acceptable. Not a joke. And not okay.

Now hopefully, the other kids are just being dumb (because they're kids-they do that) and just need to be told that their behavior is not acceptable and mean. Except if your son is being targeted already and the kids have stepped it up to taking his clothes from him. So yeah, I'd step in. The adults need to be watching this situation and tell the kids to stop.

I'm really hoping they're just kids making stupid error judgements, but the fact that this is not isolated is upsetting.