OT- Biting toddler at daycare- Help!!!!!- UPDATE

[DVCJones]

I am looking for your feed back. Feel free to flame me too if you don't agree.

Yesterday I was told that my DD2 had bitten another child on the face. I was horrified of course. I asked how, what and where it happened. I also asked who and how the other child was. When I was told who it was, I was not too surprised anymore. I continued to listen as the director explained the chain of events that lead up to the biting. When I got home I explained to DD that her teacher told me what she did. I also said that I didn't want her to do it again and that she hurt the other child. She also admitted to doing it and said she wouldn't do it again. (she is very verbal)

Today, I was told it happened again!!!! My DD has never bitten anyone before this and I am upset by her behavior. I think however, I understand why she is doing it. I am not in any way making excuses for her nor do I think she is justified in biting ANYONE!!!! But, this particular little boy REALLY likes DD. It is actually kind of cute, but I think DD has had enough. I have on many days seen this child hug, knock down, pin to the floor and walls my DD. He of course means it in an affectionate way but my DD has always said "no, no pushin me" and typically will run from him if she sees him coming her way. I have always thought it was just typical toddler stuff, but I am afraid that DD has now figured out a way to get him away from her

I feel horrible about the little guy getting bitten and I am sure his mother is not too happy either.

I guess I am looking for advice on how to tell them my theory for this behavior without sounding like I am blaming the other child. Of course I don't blame him, he is very sweet and doesn't know any better. I just think that the daycare staff needs to keep the two of them away from each other for a bit and work with both of them and teach him not to knock her down with hugs and for DD not to bite.

My DD has bitten him on the face each time. Once on the mouth and once on the cheek. After hearing the director explain each biting, I really believe that it has everything to do with the little boy wanting to kiss, hug etc. my DD. The director even said that my DD doesn't go after him. It happens when he gets too close to her.

Also, do any of you parents have any ideas on how to stop this behavior? Like I said, she doesn't do this at home and I am not at the daycare all day to help break her of this.

If she bites him again, I think they may kick her out of daycare

All thoughts are welcome!!!!-

 

[TinaLala22]

My DD was the victim of a biter in her daycare class when she was young and we actually left because of it. Why because the mother did nothing to stop her DD from doing this and saw nothing wrong with her DD biting a different child everyday. This girl woud draw blood she bit so hard - on the back, hand, face, leg she didn't care...I think she did it for attention. This little girl is now 5 years old and ihas been physically abusing the other kids in her daycare class for the las two years. She's about to go to kindergarten and I'm sure she's in for some trouble.

My advice to you is this is something that happens at this age, however I would continue to talk to her about it and help her to understand that what she is doing is hurting her friend. The daycare has rights as well as you do about biting. They can suggest counselors to talk to your daughter, but sometimes I think that if you don't make it a big deal and talk with her about it. I think the more she realizes that she needs to express herself in some other way like a hug or something the biting might end.

good luck.

 

[TheDizMom]

Personally I would start with the director. The daycare should be made aware that you think it is because he is invading her personal space too much. My nephew at this age had a very large personal space and would strike back when kids got to close. I would suggest that they speak to him about the fact that it's not appropriate for him to be hugging and kissing the other children all the time. He needs to know that a hug and kiss is ok once in a while, but not all the time. Tell him they know he loves your DD, but that maybe he could just ask if she would like to play instead of touching her. If after they have addressed the issue it is still a problem, then you might want to speak to the child's parents. I would also maybe write them a note of apology and making sure they are aware you are working with your DD so it doesn't happen again, and ask the daycare to give it to them. That way if you do have to speak to them at a later date you will have started the ground work for a peaceful, hopefully non-defensive, solution. They'll know you are trying to modify your child's behavior so if you ask them to try and modify theirs, it won't seem like you are being accusatory.

As for the biting, continue to make it clear that it is not acceptable. Come up with some consequence that she will understand at her age and will make an impact. For example if she has a DVD she loves to watch, or she really likes to be read to before bed, tell her if she bites again there will be no watching her DVD when she gets home, or no bedtime story. The other option would be that she gets a sticker at the end of every day at daycare if she doesn't bite and when she reaches so many stickers she gets to go someplace special of her choice or gets that toy she has been coveting.

 

[mom2my3kids]

I think a majority of toddlers bite, now saying this I would not be a happy mother if my child was bitten over and over by the same child. But at my daycare they have so many chances and then they kick them out. I would sit and talk to the director I would also talk to your child more. Tell her she does not bite no matter what, she could really hurt that little boy. If she is very verbal then maybe she will understand..Its such a hard age..

 

[jessica52877]

I think she needs disciplined for it, a time out or something and immediately told NO, we do not bite. Which I would hope and or assume is happening. This is very hard for you because you aren't there and it sounds as if DD is doing as self defense. Hopefully talk to the daycare about trying to head it off. And I would talk to the other mother also, let her know how sorry you are and that you think her DS is very cute in the affection he shows but DD does not care for anyone that close to her.

By where she is biting him, he is definately WAY too close! Good luck! It is a stage and shall pass, but easy to keep from happening if you head it off, unfortunately that lies in the daycares hands. Especially since she isn't doing it at home!

 

[Princess Roo]

Biting is common for toddlers (as is overly affectionate behavior!) but it is definitely a way to end up kicked out of a daycare, especially if the parents of the bitten child make a big fuss. That said, I agree about meeting with both the director AND the teacher. Make it clear that you understand what your child is doing is worse than what the other kid is doing, but that she IS being provoked. Let them know what you are doing to stop the biting (talking to her at home, maybe taking away privileges, etc.) and then ask them to work on the other child (and parent) on that child's behavior.

Honestly, if she is only biting that one child, they should be working to keep the child away from her for his "protection", for lack of a better word. (I don't mean that as bad as it sounds - toddlers do bite.) My son has been the victim of three biters and I don't think that means the child is violent or anything. But, in each case, the teachers let us know that they would be keeping a close eye on the biter while working on the problem with the parents. In one case we were basically given the choice of whether we would let the teachers/parents keep working with the child or if the child would be kicked out (we gave them time - hey, it could have been the other way around and our child the biter). The other two cases were random biting in the class and in one the child stopped quickly and in the other the child got kicked out after a few weeks.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

So my daughter also has some personal space issues. She typically would push rather than bite but i understand what you are going thru. My neice is a year younger and tends to get right in her space. We have awful problems with the two of them. Anyways...

As you have said, she needs to be discplined for the biting (time out etc)..and just hammer into her head "you need to say "NO...PLEASE MOVE BACK"" if he is getting in her face. Definitely discuss this with the teacher and the director and get them on board..If this other kid gets too much in her face and she is saying NO and he's not complying..its their job to intervene. Kids this little don't have much impulse control so if the NO isn't working for her..she's probably gonna do what works.

I think there are books out there Like "hands are not for hiting" "mouths are not for Biting" or something. Just constant repetition.

 

[daisyduck123]

I think a majority of toddlers bite

You are not the only poster to state this.....I just can't fathom this though.

Neither of my kids ever bit, & neither did any kids in their playgroups nor any of my kids' friends. The only time I've ever heard about biting is when I read it here on the DIS.

 

[Princess Roo]

You are not the only poster to state this.....I just can't fathom this though.

Neither of my kids ever bit, & neither did any kids in their playgroups nor any of my kids' friends. The only time I've ever heard about biting is when I read it here on the DIS.

Just out of curiosity, do you mean they never bit anyone (including you or a sibling) or that they didn't make a habit of it? I personally think the majority of toddlers bite at some point, but a small percentage (~10%?) do it more than a handful of times or outside of their family. DS bit ME twice I think (Not counting when he was teething at 4 months while I was nursing - owwww!!), but didn't bite anyone else that I'm aware of. Seems like a lot of my friends' kids bite their siblings. DH had a scar for the longest time from his sister biting him when she was little! And at my son's first daycare, they actually had a pre-printed "Bite Report" form that corporate made.

 

[deedeetoo]

My DD was a biter when she was a toddler. In her case it was her way of lashing out when she felt frustrated or threatened. The teachers were very good about it and tried to work with her to control herself. She was put in time out and made to understand why. She eventually stopped but not before she earned herself the nickname "Jaws". I would guess she bit kids about 20 times during those few months when we were dealing with it.

What is interesting is that now, at age 9, she still has the bite reflex when she gets worked up. Not that she ever bites anyone anymore but you can still see her snap her jaw when she gets angry.

 

[daisyduck123]

Just out of curiosity, do you mean they never bit anyone (including you or a sibling) or that they didn't make a habit of it?

Mine actually never bit, even once.
If any of my friend's children bit, I was not aware of it...because it didn't happen in playgroup, at the park, etc. I know that some kids are biters, but actually didn't think it was very common.

 

[gris gris]

My DD was the biter too, it lasted for about 6 months, starting when she was about 18 months. She only bit one boy, he is her best friend, has been in daycare with her since 10 weeks old. Often they'd both want the same toy and she'd bite him. For everyone who says, "the mom didn't do anything about it......" the problem I had was I couldn't discipline her for something she didn't do around me. She did all the biting at school to the one boy. She never tried it at home or with anyone else when I was around. School did the whole time out thing, and eventually ended up separating the two of them into different classes.

If the director tried to kick my DD out of daycare I would have been really ticked off. I'm glad they were willing to work it out and separate them. It really made my DD sad that she wasn't with her buddy anymore and when they were finally back together, she was over the biting. If she was biting a bunch of different kids, then I could understand kicking her out, but they thought she was doing this to him because of her comfort level with him. Also they aren't supposed to tell the mom of the kid that was bit who bit him/her. It makes you feel a little better as the mom of the biter. But, I talked a lot to the mom of DD's friend, and we're all still friends now. Believe it or not, they're still best buds and we think someday they'll get married

DS is 17 months and he doesn't bite - he swipes. He tries to hit, but it turns out to be a swipe of the air! This he does around us so we tell him NO SWIPING and he gets all sad and pouts his lip.

 

[nataliejane05]

My DS is only nearly 13 months and he's turnin into a biter hes used to just bite me but hes started biting other people now he was walkin round the doctors room whilst i wasspeakin to him then suddenly ran over and bit his leg hard i just so shocked im tryin to get him to stop it just seems to be gettin worse...

 

[Matt'sMom]

I have on many days seen this child hug, knock down, pin to the floor and walls my DD. He of course means it in an affectionate way but my DD has always said "no, no pushin me" and typically will run from him if she sees him coming her way.

Sounds to me like the preschool equivalent of 'sexual harassment'. Your daughter clearly has tried to handle the situation politely & appropriately in the past, but the boy isn't backing off. Once she is pinned to the ground by this other child, it appears she is responding in self defense & resorting to the only method she has discovered that actually works (biting).

I guess I am looking for advice on how to tell them my theory for this behavior without sounding like I am blaming the other child.

I'd just tell them straight forward what has been occurring. Your daughter has been attempting to defend herself. Biting may not be appropriate, but this situation needs to be dealt with in a manner that addresses both the biting and the cause of the biting (the other child's inappropriate behavior) as well.

I just think that the daycare staff needs to keep the two of them away from each other for a bit and work with both of them and teach him not to knock her down with hugs and for DD not to bite.

Exactly. Tell them that.

Also, do any of you parents have any ideas on how to stop this behavior?

I would get the Daycare staff involved, and then teach your daughter an alternative, better way to handle the situation. How about explaining to her that if this boy approaches her inappropriately, to run to an adult for help. And if he tackles her to the ground, or pins her to a wall, that she is to scream as loud as she can for help (and the staff should be ready to respond promptly). The boy should then be corrected for his inappropriate behavior--he clearly needs to learn the concept of keeping his hands to himself and respecting other people's personal space.

This all would be a very different situation if you daughter was actually the unprovoked aggressor. But she very clearly is not. So it is important for the Daycare staff to address the actual cause of the problem (the child who continues to harass her, despite her polite requests for him to 'back off').

If some guy tackled me and pinned me to the ground, and tried to kiss me... you can bet I'd fight back in self defense too!

 

[susieq76]

First of all- relax- your daughter is just like the million other 2 year olds out there who are trying to get a point across. I have three boys. Two never bit anyone- and then there was Andrew. Andrew started biting at around 19 months. He was my "quiet" one, the easy-going boy... Then one day it happened- Tommy grabbed a toy from him and Andrew bit him (I think at first it was just because his hands were full). Well what happened? Tommy let go of the toy and left Andrew alone (since he was busy crying an screaming at me). In my toddler's brain it was a cause and effect- Tommy grabs my toy, I bite= he stops. Andrew bit Tommy (and only Tommy) for 6 long months. Finally Tommy stopped "bugging" him and Andrew stopped biting. They're 5 1/2 now and best friends- but Tommy is still the pushier child- well with everyone but Andrew

That sounds like your daughter. Now if she was doing what my friend's 4 year old does (bites everyone and anyone when he is upset) I think it would be a different story. Meet with Daycare, request that she not be left to free play with this boy. Make it VERY clear. They will not throw her out for that.

Oh.. and good luck- those were the longest six months of my life. And the most time-outs Andrew has ever recieved.

Susan

 

[MSSANDRA]

Interesting thread. I have worked with groups of children for over 2o years and here are my ideas. I do not agree that MOST chidlren bite. I have been at my current preschool for almost 10 year and can count on my one hand the number of bites we have had. I did see a LOT more biters in the day care I worked in before DS was born. Now it was a good center and had good teachers but children were in larger groups for longer periods of time and there was more time for flustration levers to rise. I DO think that most toddlers do react with some negative response wheter it be to bite, to hit , pull hair or whatever. I also firmly belive that as far as the child goes, to bite is no more aggressive that a hit or slap or a push or whatever. The problem comes because a child can do more damage with teeth than a hand or foot.
I too think that you can over react to a biter. Biters can get so much attention that it "pays" then to keep it up. Now for OP... I would talk with the teacher. Let her know that you want to support her. Ask what ideas she has and find something postitive about her plain. Then interject what you see as the issue. Ask how you can support her plan of action. If she has no plan, you might need to go to the director.

I do think it is important to talk with your child about her actions but for toddlers, action needs to be pretty quick and talking after the fact in not a lot of help. Also a lot of talk before school may do more hard than good. She does not "plan" to go to school and bite this child, it is impulsive behavior. It pretty much has to be the schools plan of action.

For the record, my DS never bit anyone but me and that was only once. He however pulled hair and it was mostly one little boy. He was like 18 mo old when this was going on and about a year latter when he was two 1/2 or so he told me why he used to pull that little boys hair....too funny now but not then.

hang in there...this too will pass and be replaced by something else.

 

[mom2my3kids]

I have 3 children, and all 3 of them have bitten when they were toddlers. Now they were not what you call a habitual bitter, but they either bite me, my husband, their siblings etc..So I believe most toddlers have bitten at least once. But then there are the few that take it to a new level..

 

[2cutekidz]

Before DD came along I taught in a daycare for close to 7 years. I am surprised that your Daycare gave you the name of the child that got bit. We never gave the names of the children that were involved in any type of incident. Parents tend to overreact and either confront the other child, or parent. Biting was always taken seriously - the child would be removed from the classroom immediately, sometimes sent home. And yes I've seen children "thrown out" of Daycare for biting.
I agree that the other child's behavior should have been addressed a long time ago, but without you telling the director/teacher that it was a problem it was probably seen as being "cute". So now your daughter has taken care of the situation by herself. Is there another class - can the two be split up? I'd suggest keeping the two away from each other!

 

[DVCJones]

Thanks to all for the great advice.

Well, last night I talked with DD and told her to yell for help if the boy came too close to her. I also said that she should run to her teacher. I then told her to never bite, just yell for help.

Would you believe that she did exactly that today. I called and checked up on her today at lunch. I was told by her teacher /director that she called for help as soon as she saw the boy. He wasn't even that close to her yet, but she did do it.

She did not bite him today and the Director/teacher has agreed to keep them away from each other. I did tell her my thoughts on why this was happening and she did seem to agree.

They have seen this boy do the same thing that I described.

I am still keeping my fingers crossed though

 

[mjantz]

Before DD came along I taught in a daycare for close to 7 years. I am surprised that your Daycare gave you the name of the child that got bit. We never gave the names of the children that were involved in any type of incident. Parents tend to overreact and either confront the other child, or parent. Biting was always taken seriously - the child would be removed from the classroom immediately, sometimes sent home. And yes I've seen children "thrown out" of Daycare for biting.

I was surprised as well. I've dealt with a few biting incidents (I've been bitten myself) & I always tell the parents 'I have to protect the privacy of both children'. Usually, the biters' parent is happy that their child is protected & the bitees' parent understands. Although I've usually found that kids even as young as 2 can point & say 'He bite'.
My two most recent biting situations were both frustration bites.I totally understood where the kids were coming from & while I was stern with them ('No biting. Biting hurts. Ouch.') I couldn't be too frustrated with them because I knew why they bit.