OT- 4 yr old broken record

[TinkerbEllnor]

Sorry not Disney related, but I see the occasional parenting thread going here and this is one of those at-my-wits-end moments where I will look for advice anywhere I can find it.

DS just turned 4 last week. Lately, he has been stuck on repeat. I am not talking about mimicking or saying back something I have said, but repeating his own observations over and over ad nauseum. You would think that he is doing this for attention, like if I were not responding to him the first time. Quite the contrary, I am responding to him and trying to turn it into a conversation, but he sticks with it until he gets a negative reaction.

For an example, my DH left his watch on the arm of the sofa this morning. DS noticed it and this is what followed.
DS: Daddy's watch is on the couch
Me: Yeah, Daddy forgot to wear it to work this morning.
DS: Daddy's watch is over here on the couch
Me: That's okay, we can give it to him when he gets home
DS: I see Daddy's watch on the couch
Me: uh-huh (starting to get frustrated, what exactly is he looking for here?)
DS: Daddy's watch is on the couch
Me: (no response) (perhaps he is just talking to hear himself talk?)
DS: Mommy? Mommy?
Me: yes?
DS: Daddy's watch is on the couch
Me: (raises voice) Yes, DS, I HEARD you the FIRST time. Daddy's watch is on the couch.
DS: (finally gives it a rest and moves on to the next thing)

This happens several times throughout the day covering all sorts of topics in a 4 yr old's world. When I can see it coming, I have tried responding to the first one, then every subsequent repeat, counting at him, so its repeat, 'one', repeat, 'two', repeat 'three' and into timeout.

Gosh, I love him so, but this is so incredibly annoying and I'm trying really hard to not convey my annoyance to him. I hope it is a short lived phase. Any ideas?

 

[mhm]

No solutions, just sympathy--we're in the same boat. It drives me nuts! When dd asks the same question over and over, I tell her "What did I tell you the first time you asked?" and that sometimes stops it, but not always. I've been trying to teach her that she doesn't have to say out loud every thought she has, but I don't think she gets it.

 

[bumbershoot]

My son is 3 and is starting to get into that.

And I have 3 younger brothers, and they ALL did that phase. It doesn't last TOO long, not in terms of the calendar at least. In terms of an annoyed sister, though, it's far too long. Can't speak yet from a mother's point of view, since it's still amusing me that he's just going through the phases.

By the way, with DS so far, if he repeats it he usually wants a little more attention paid to what he has said. My guy can't tell me WHAT he wants me to do, but usually if I go physically over to whatever it is he's showing me, and I try to enlist his help in some way (in the case of the watch I might ask him where we should put it to keep it safe for Papa), he is VERY happy about it.

Good luck!

 

[KMZOB]

I can totally relate. I wish I had some advice. My DS3 does the same thing. I call him "The Repeater". He'll ask for a drink, and he can be watching me pour it and will say "I would like a drink please" this will go on every 45 seconds or so until he gets it...and I want to just yell "Hold on a minute...I'm getting it!!!" I blame it on Dora the Explorer...they repeat everything at least three times on that show!

Sending you

 

[la79al]

I work with a little boy who is going through this phase. It seems like if I engage him in a conversation about it, rather than saying uh huh, he seems to move on quicker.
DSD on the other hand is in a phase right now where she repeats everything. And I don't mean minutes later. She will repeat the words I am saying as I am saying them. Same thing with stuff on TV. I can't begin to tell you how annoying this is....

 

[MSSANDRA]

Try to create an action to his repeats. For example with the watch. Reply, "Oh, bring it over here and lets see what time it is." With the drink, "why don't you open the door and see what we have and I will come pour it." Maybe he is just board??

 

[CampbellScot]

I'm sure I'll get flamed for this, and this is pretty age dependent, but if your kids are repeating "I want a drink of water please" over and over, or some other phrase and you have clearly responded to them and you know they heard you...then you need to very firmly tell them "You need to ask ONCE. I heard you the first time. Repeating yourself is impolite and irritating. If you continue to do that, you will be placed in time out." Then follow through. The repeating will stop. Kids need to know that they have been heard and that their needs will be met...once you've met their need/responded to a comment, they are boundary testing.

Let them know that there are more positive ways to get attention then driving your mom nuts with repeating yourself!

To the OP, I probably would have taken the watch off the couch, put it away and redirected your little one. Redirecting towards another activity is very helpful in stopping behaviors you aren't overly fond of. Especially something like repeating. "Daddy's watch is on the couch..." "Yep, we're putting it up now. Okay, it's puzzle/story/blocks/dvd etc time...which one do you want to do/read/build/watch?!" He'll most likely forget about the watch and move on to the next thing. He's getting some positive attention from mommy and you are stopping the repeating! Everybody wins!!

good luck!! Most kids DO go through a repetitive phase, but it can dealt with as opposed to suffered through!

 

[maxtomsmom]

This is just from my experience but hopefully it will help you.

Children are not little adults and most parents (including me) forget this. They are not well-mannered, reasonable, caring, respectful and born knowing right from wrong and it is our job to help them achieve these valuable things. Reasoning with them especially at this age when you are angered or annoyed never seems to work. We have found the counting method to be the best for stopping behaviors (behaviors that include: whining, teasing, yelling, disrespectful language, hitting, arguing, etc.) These are behaviors you want to stop. I read this great book that has truly helped in situations like these. It has turned our crazy house to a very calm easy going way of life. There are moments but they are so short lived now. It's called 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan (Not sure the spelling of his last name.) It works with us and I highly recommend it to anyone struggling with any discipline problems even minor ones. Several people I know have read it after I had suggested it and found it to help them too. It suggests (this is only a suggestion) to use the counting like this:

DS repeats you the first time, "Mommy, Daddy forgot his watch."

You say calmly without getting upset in a very matter of fact like tone, "That's 1!" The trick the books says is to do this without emotion and without pointless explanation. Remember children really cannot be reasoned with in this way.

You only reason and explain in moments of good times. Then talk away.


DS does it again (it can be right away or up to 10 minutes later.) But it must be at least 5 seconds later after he has said it the first time to give your child time to process the warning.

You again say, "That's 2!" Again without emotion or explanation.

If he stops good, end it don't talk about it. However, if he doesn't and repeats it again you say, "That's 3, take 5." It can be a time-out, taking a favorite toy away for a short period, no tv for a short time, no dessert all depending upon the situation. The consequences need to be short as it does it home. Once your child has done his time, you don't talk about it. Again, the book says it's pointless. Children usually know why they get timeouts.

There are of course exceptions and the book does address it. But we are at the point where we say, "That's one." and it pretty much ends there. I do it in public and people are quite surprised. My kids know I mean business. What I liked best of all was it happened very quickly within a week, things changed so much.

 

[Princess Roo]

Just a thought...Have you tried asking him something like "Is there something else you wanted to say/do about the watch?" I would ask something like that the 2nd time it was said and then the 3rd time I would tell him that I wasn't going to talk about the watch any more so I wouldn't answer him until he said something else.
I have a (very verbal) 2 year old, so I know it might be different, but if my DS was doing that it would either be because he was having trouble explaining exactly what was bothering him about the watch (Like, Daddy should have it on his arm instead.) OR because he was bored and trying to start a conversation about it. Anyways, the above strategy works pretty well for DS. I just give him "the look" if he tries to say it a 4th time and he knows he's being ignored.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I would try to change the subject as soon as it's clear that he's going to start repeating something. You can also say, "We're all done talking about that." Remove the object (like the watch) and say, "All done." And then follow through by not letting him engage you on that subject anymore. (Yes, it's hard to ignore the constant Mommy! Mommy! but it's necessary to break the habit.) If starts yelling Mommy, say, "Do you have something different to tell me?" If he goes back to the watch, continue ignoring. If he changes the subject, reward him by engaging in the conversation with him. This sounds to me like a habit he's developed and he needs some not-so-subtle cues to break it.

 

[Plantlady]

my 10 year old never grew out of it.

He repeats what I say, and he repeats his questions.

I agree though, turn around his comment that he's repeating.. offer a question about it "why do you think daddy left his watch on the couch?"..

 

[brergnat]

Well, your kid most likely WANTS to have a conversation with you, so I don't think punishing is the way to go about this. Whatever he says, make a question about it, such that he can NOT repeat the phrase and have it be in context. Turn it into a language activity.

DS (almost 3) is a repeater, of many, many things. He is autistic...I'm not saying your child is, but this type of verbalization of repeating things over and over without regard to your response is very typical of autistic kids, so I have been dealing with this for awhile now (almost a year), and the suggestions I have are given to me by various therapists and books on the subject.

Autistic individuals struggle with the nuances of language and conversation, so they resort to repeating things over and over because it is all they know how to do. They have a hard time getting conversations going or maintaining them, so it's up to me to "direct" the conversation to where I *think* he wants it to go.

If this were my son, as an example, it would sound something like this:

DS: "Daddy's watch is on the couch"

Me: "Oh, why do you think it is there? Did YOU put it there, or do you think Daddy left it there?" (if, at this point, he repeats, so do I...I will continue to shorten my response until he responds to MY response...I might have to get it down to "who put it there?")

DS: "Daddy put it there"

Me: "Yes, I'm sure he did. But, the watch doesn't go on the couch does it? Where does Daddy's watch go? Can you show me?"

*this would be followed by him either telling me where it goes, or pointing, and then I would ask him "can you please put daddy's watch away for him"

That's a FAR more constructive way to deal with the repeats than to threaten with punishment. Kids at age 4 are just looking for attention, and much of what they seek is normal human social interaction. If you make him feel like he is doing something wrong, he will withdraw and you don't want to be responsible for his poor socialization skills later in life.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Well Said

 

[TinkerbEllnor]

Hi- OP here. I want to thank you all for all of the great responses. Some great ideas here!

For us, I tend to think that it is not attention-driven, although if I read my original post as an outsider my mind would first go there. However, it is happening actually MORE frequently when we are in 1-on-1 time, than when he is playing independently or I am doing something with his lil sis.

I think it is either boundary testing or language practice, or a combo of both. Though I can't tell which it is, which is making it hard to figure out the best response to it.

Thank you for the suggestions and the commiseration. I was pretty frustrated with it yesterday, but today is a new day. This too shall pass, right? (crosses fingers)

 

[hsmamato2]

also,don't forget,small childen do their best to manipulate the world around,just to see what they're capable of.... don't mean this in a negative way,it's how kids learn to exist in their world- so he's most likely going through a phase where he's testing you,to see your limits, the original question isn't really about the watch,it's about figuring out why dad forgot it,how parents who seem infallible forget things, will Mom answer me the way I want, can I get away with badgering her about this,etc etc....
and young ones tend to process out loud too, so some days it's just endless
IMO,when my kids do this,and they all do it... I engage them in conversation about whatever is the object of interest at the moment,and 'uh-huhs' never satisfy them-
they tend to prattle on at times, I have just learned to either ignore,and go about my business, as it appears they're really not interested in my answer- or I can also turn it to them and answer with a question-
so any kids who know me are familar with my replies, it might become a whole conversation,or it might become the child learning to think before asking,or ask different questions, or the child answering his own questions to his satisfaction....
it's normal,and it doesn't end for many many years

 

[tmarquez]

My DD (4) does something similar, but thankfully she doesn't do it to me...just her older brother. She will do it as many times as she can until he finally yells at her to stop and then she laughs at him. He's 20 so you'd think he'd catch on to this! I think it's basically that she wants his FULL and COMPLETE attention sometimes and this works plus it's a way she is able to tease him...which I'm sure is fun for a younger sibling.

 

[bumbershoot]

I'm sure I'll get flamed for this, and this is pretty age dependent, but if your kids are repeating "I want a drink of water please" over and over, or some other phrase and you have clearly responded to them and you know they heard you...then you need to very firmly tell them "You need to ask ONCE. I heard you the first time. Repeating yourself is impolite and irritating. If you continue to do that, you will be placed in time out." Then follow through. The repeating will stop. Kids need to know that they have been heard and that their needs will be met...once you've met their need/responded to a comment, they are boundary testing.

That's punishing a child for doing something that is, from my learning and experience with my sibs, completely developmentally appropriate. And that's wrong. It's something my paternal grandmother, who was born in 1918 would have done just to keep her 7 children in line (she was widowed before she was 50, so she was a bit overwhelmed with them, but that's no excuse for how she was with the grandkids). Something you do when you're desperate, NOT something you do if you know about developmental milestones and NORMAL behaviours....

And none of the grandchildren liked or loved her, b/c she was so strict and rude to children for being children...she died around 9 years ago, and the grandkids (and with 7 kids there are LOTS of us) STILL talk about how unloving she was....

 

[GoingtoWDWagain]

Sorry not Disney related, but I see the occasional parenting thread going here and this is one of those at-my-wits-end moments where I will look for advice anywhere I can find it.

DS just turned 4 last week. Lately, he has been stuck on repeat. I am not talking about mimicking or saying back something I have said, but repeating his own observations over and over ad nauseum. You would think that he is doing this for attention, like if I were not responding to him the first time. Quite the contrary, I am responding to him and trying to turn it into a conversation, but he sticks with it until he gets a negative reaction.

For an example, my DH left his watch on the arm of the sofa this morning. DS noticed it and this is what followed.
DS: Daddy's watch is on the couch
Me: Yeah, Daddy forgot to wear it to work this morning.
DS: Daddy's watch is over here on the couch
Me: That's okay, we can give it to him when he gets home
DS: I see Daddy's watch on the couch
Me: uh-huh (starting to get frustrated, what exactly is he looking for here?)
DS: Daddy's watch is on the couch
Me: (no response) (perhaps he is just talking to hear himself talk?)
DS: Mommy? Mommy?
Me: yes?
DS: Daddy's watch is on the couch
Me: (raises voice) Yes, DS, I HEARD you the FIRST time. Daddy's watch is on the couch.
DS: (finally gives it a rest and moves on to the next thing)

This happens several times throughout the day covering all sorts of topics in a 4 yr old's world. When I can see it coming, I have tried responding to the first one, then every subsequent repeat, counting at him, so its repeat, 'one', repeat, 'two', repeat 'three' and into timeout.

Gosh, I love him so, but this is so incredibly annoying and I'm trying really hard to not convey my annoyance to him. I hope it is a short lived phase. Any ideas?

I went through the very same thing. Finally, I started to ask him what he would like to do about his concern. So, for example, the watch was on the sofa, I would had responded by stopping what I am doing (always stop what your doing and give direct attention, I know this can be tough at times when your in the middle of doing something but, it worked wonders for me) and saying, yes Daddy left his watch I'm sure he'll be fine without it (my DS would be very concerned about the watch being at home and not on Dad's wrist) what do you think we should do, should we put it away for him and where would you like to put it away or should I put it away. Must likely he would suggest a place to put it and I'd respond with great idea, what a smart boy and then he feels proud and as soon as Dad would walk through the door he'd run and tell him how he left his watch and he put it away for him. It may seem like a bit much to do everytime but if you want him to move on then this is what I suggest. I had to do this on a daily basis and sometimes his suggestions or ideas were not possible so I would have to talk and talk with him to get him to understand. These little things that seem bothersome to us mean a lot to a three/four year old and understanding and patience is the key to dealing with them during these moments. He is a year older now and does not do this anymore, instead he'll come and say for example Mom, Dad left his watch on the sofa and I put it on his dresser okay and all I NOW have to respond with is okay. Hope this helps

 

[badblackpug]

I think it IS attention driven, but maybe not in the way that you think. Like another poster said, children this age like to manipulate their environment. They like to see how much control they have over things, and unfortunately, people. In essence, he is doing this to piss you off. Not necessarily in a malicious way, but in a way to see "how far can I push her, what kind of control do I have over her, and/or my environment." My daughter used to do this at 4 and she had another thing she would do she would playfully pinch or hit and then ask "does this hurt?"

Distraction sometimes works:

Kid: "Daddy's watch is on the couch."
Parent "Really? That's great that you found it, why don't you pout it on his dresser so that it doesn't get lost. Daddy will be very glad that you did this for him."

This makes him feel helpful, and like he has some control in the environment, and distracts him with another task.

If this doesn't work, ignore him. Just say very pleasantly. "Yes, I heard you the 1st time, so I am not going to answer you the next time. Please find something else to do."