Ot: 18 Yo Dd - Boyfriend Dumped Her

[SAMANDEM]

My DH & I feel so helpless. My DD is an emotional wreck. Her boyfriend of over a year told her he wanted to stop seeing her. He needed space and did not feel he is 100% committed to the relationship.

My DD cannot stop crying, is not eating, etc. She is a freshman in college(lives at home) & we are afraid this will affect her school work. I'm certain she thought they would be together forever. She will not talk to her DD or me about it.

Any words of wisdom?

Thanks,
Dawn

 

[LadyShea]

Poor thing. Break ups hurt, especially unexpected ones. All she can do is grieve and all you can do is offer her a shoulder, or a pint of ice cream, or a little escapism day or whatever helps her cope best.

My mom always tried to take me for a weekend away when I was seriously down in the dumps, and when that wasn't possible we did pajama day with old movies, wine, and cheese (yes even when I was slightly underage).

 

[mikehn]

A trip to WDW should ease her pain, temporarily. Otherwise, another guy is right around the corner. I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[disneybridetobe]

Poor thing. Break ups hurt, especially unexpected ones. All she can do is grieve and all you can do is offer her a shoulder, or a pint of ice cream, or a little escapism day or whatever helps her cope best.

Exactly. It might take her awhile, but she'll come out of it. I've been there and it hurts so badly... until one day... it doesn't hurt as badly. Then a cute guy will smile at her in class, and she'll be smitten all over again.

*hugs* to both of you. I'm dreading the day I have to see DD get her first broken heart, it's gotta be pretty painful for you, too.

 

[Principessa1284]

Been there! Almost the exact same situation at the same point in my life (not too long ago.. I'm only about 6 years older than her). My friends were really pivital (sp?) in my getting over that guy as quickly as possible. I think the best thing we did was rent a bunch of movies where the main character gets dumped near the beginning, and then turns out way better than they would have been without that guy/girl. There were 2 or 3, but the one that comes to mind is "The First Wives Club." Great movie either way! There was also a significant amount of ice cream and chocolate covered strawberries involved. As well as hugs.

At the time, I didn't feel very close to my mom (not that we didn't get along or were distant, I just usually didn't fill her in on many details of my dating life) and I know she felt the same way - helpless! Depending on your relationship, if she seems to be leaning on her friends more, I would give her her space but remind her that you're there for her and take her out to lunch and shopping for some new clothes and maybe a manicure! Those all do wonders and are things I still love to do with my mom if one of us is feeling blah. If she doesn't seem to be close with a lot of friends, I would do the movies and ice cream thing, or even a weekend away to get her mind off of things. But beware of anything lovey dovey. Anything romantic would end up sending me into a fit of tears, even if I had been feeling ok that day. I even had to turn off the radio in my car and listen to some punk rock CDs because love songs would really just set me off.

Also, remind her that it's not the end of get dating life and there WILL be other boys! The best is to keep her mind off of it.

Edit to add - just saw the part where you said she didn't want to talk about it. That was me all the way!! I'd totally go with the taking her out to lunch (pick her favorite restaurant so she can't refuse!) and shopping at the mall. Just don't bring up the break-up - pretend it never happened, and hopefully her mind will drift away. If you think she wouldn't go for that and she'd view it as "charity," tell her you're going to the mall to get a new xxxx (skirt, blouse, make-up, etc) and you'd REALLY REALLY like her opinion, and mention that there may be time to stop at her favorite store along the way. Free stuff always helped bring me out of a haze. Good luck!!

 

[SAMANDEM]

Thanks everyone for your input and kind words. Even though she's 18, she's still my "baby" & it's so hard to see her like this!

 

[peytonsmomie]

Oh, the poor kiddo! No heartbreak is easy, but I'm of the opinion that the early ones are the toughest.

If it's any consolation, let her know that when a "young" relationship ends, a true romance may be just around the corner. At 18 the "love of my life" dumped me. 4 months later I met my husband, we were married shortly after I turned 19, and this November it'll be 10 years of happiness.

As for managing and uplifting her spirits, I can suggest what my daddy always did for me when I had a heartbreak.

My dad was a colonel in the air force, and while he was 100% military man, he is also one of the most gentle and kind men I've ever known. Whenever he'd get home from work and find out from mom that I was in my room sobbing from a breakup, he'd knock ever so gently on the door, come sit beside me on my bed and put his arm around me. Once my sobbing settled enough that I'd be able to hear him, he'd say in his deep voice, completely seriously, "You want me to get out my service weapon?"

We both knew he wasn't really offering that. But just knowing that my dad was 100% in my corner would help me to see things a little brighter. Plus, not only was he telling me in a very non-confrontational way that he thought I deserved better, but he wasn't trash talking the boy. That way if we ever did rekindle anything, dad wasn't a 'bad guy' for having tried to cheer me up.

Perhaps your husband could try something along those lines? Also, from one mommy's girl who is still a student to a student's mommy, don't stress too much about her grades. It's early enough in the term that she can pull herself back onto the rails. But when things get rough for me outside of school, and my parents immediately jump on me to "not relax my educational efforts" it makes me bonkers.

If all else fails, it may be time to step out of the mommy shoes and into the girlfriend shoes. Rent some man-bashing movies, stock up some horribly bad for you snacks, and dish about all the cruddy gents you dated before you met her daddy.

 

[RobinFabulous]

My sister went through this last year. It's hard because you don't like to see them hurting. I just told her that I was there if she wanted to talk. I also told her that I truly believe if things are supposed to work out they will...

 

[tnkr mom]

Aw went through this the week of Christmas with my 17 yo DD; Be there for your daughter and let her talk when she's ready.
Mint Chocolate Ice Cream always helps us through anything!

 

[SAMANDEM]

Thanks again everyone. This morning on her way to class she called me at work in hysterics. She said she has nothing to look forward to & no one to talk to (most of her friends are away at college). She said she is so lonely. I told her I was here for her. She was sooo sad, it just broke my heart. She is the sweetest girl with the nicest personality. I told her to look into joining some clubs at college. She said everyone already knows everyone & it's hard to join now. I told her she is the most likable person I know & that if she gave it a try it may take her mind off of "things".

 

[disneybridetobe]

My heart breaks for her I hate the "it's the end of the world" feeling. Just keep telling her it'll get better. It really will!

Could she maybe get a part time job waitressing at one of the restaurants near her? That's a way to make friends! That actually got me through a nasty breakup, believe it or not. It's hard work, but she'll make a few bucks and that will help boost her spirits.

 

[tami82]

sorry to hear about that. I am going through a similar thing now, my 17 year old D was also dumped last week and i felt the same way, it almost made me want to cry. She was very upset the first few days but now just trying to keep herself busy with things such as taking xtra hours at work, doing activities etc... and it seemed to help a bit but i still cant help feeling very bad about this. It really hurts when this happens to your child. My daughter also broke down on the 2nd day and told me the same thing, she has no one to talk to and her one friend is probably getting tired of listening to her (i think that is when she finally broke down to talk to me finally). Last weekend my husband took my daugther over his moms house for the day and the next day i got my daughter out of the house and went to visit my mom and it really lifted her spirits and she was actually in a good mood. I am trying to be as nice as possible and lay off her for a while about the normal everyday things that usually bother me. We also have a tivo so i noticed my daughter taping alot of the Comedy Central shows which is a great idea as its always great to have someone make you laugh.
Tell her to try to make this into a positive situation as i always say things happen for a reason. Better things will come her way, this is only the beginning.
I know she probably is not thinking about doing this right now, but maybe she should trying meeting people right away to help get over this. Years ago when i seperated from my husband i had a 2 year old daughter. I went to live with my mom (my dad had just died so it was kind of perfect timing to leave him). I had put an ad in the personals (at that time i was very desperate and wanted to do anything to keep my mind occupied) and met a lot of people and actually met my 2nd husband this way. I always think that doing this really helped me or i would have been totally depressed. It made me so there were much nicer guys out there for me.

 

[SAMANDEM]

She's a greeter/cashier at a local car wash - she works 20=25 hrs per week in addition to her full time college course load. So she keeps busy that way. I just think she should join a few clubs & get involved at school. I am so sorry to hear that the rest of you are (or have) gone through this. Thank you so much for all the great advice. It's nice to get the support and perspective from others.

We leave for Disney in 23 days! Hopefully that will lift her spirits.

Take care,
Dawn

 

[hoosiergirl7]

It's sad but it's unfortunately a fact of life. With my Sociological and Psychological experience 18 yr old boys are still very immature and are still trying to figure out who they are. I know there are exceptions to that rule but I have never met an 18 yr old guy who wants to make a long term commitment.

I was never dumped at 18 but I had 2 relationships when I was younger - 1 of them especially that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this guy. Surprisingly both of these guys that I had serious relationships with are still very good friends of mine. However, the one that I could've married realized the same thing about me when it was too late. He never thought I would move on with my life no matter how hard it was. So when I called him to tell him I was getting married he was very disappointed. He still reminds me from time to time that he made a mistake. Well, looking back I'm glad I met and married my husband. As much as I still love this other guy and always will, I would never have had the kind of marriage with him as I do with my husband. So there was a very good reason things didn't work out. It just wasn't meant to be!!

You need to remind her that yes it hurts a lot and might take awhile to get over her broken heart but she can't stop her life because of it. It's important that she spend lots of time with her friends and that she not throw her schoolwork out the window because she's upset. And one other thing to tell her, if he didn't realize how special she was then he really didn't deserve to be with her to begin with and it's better that she find someone who thinks she is!!!