Opps DS20 did it again....AN MIP

[The Mystery Machine]

We told him after the first time that he would be on his own to handle it if he did anything like that again.

I would go with this....time to be true to your word.

 

[Tarheel Tink]

What they all said...ditto.

Dear friends of mine have a 19 year old son who is a total sweetie, BUT manages to do stupid things and has been arrested numerous times and bailed out by mommy each time. This past time involved gunfire, drug possession, etc. so he lost his vehicle, etc. but again mommy is footing the bills- apparently it is to no avail as he will be serving time finally. If she had not bailed him out so many times before with no repurcussions at all he would not be in this situation. They would take away his new truck (they pay for it it) and then return it 2 days later, tell him school only and no where else for a month and then 1 day later drop it, blah,blah,blah.

 

[Disney Doll]

Walk, take the bus, get a cab, call a friend, etc. He's 20, he'll find a way.



ENJOY YOUR VACATION! He's an adult and can deal with this. I wouldn't pay the fine at all or cancel your trip! What kind of a lesson will that teach him? That whenever he screws up mom and dad will drop what they are doing, bail him out, and baby him? This is the second time he's been caught, it's time he learned his lesson.

Good luck.

I agree with this.
If he has to walk home from the courthouse, hopefully it'll be a long walk which will give him ample time to think.
Time for Momma to stop moppin' up his messes.
When it hurts for him, he'll learn a lesson, but not until then.
You told him that next time, he would be on his own.
Keep your word, and don't ruin the vacation for the other children. You do have more than this one to think about you know.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

HELICOPTER PARENT! Look it up.


tell him you'll send him a post card from Florida.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

he can take acab home or call a freind
call the attorney and go on your vacation

 

[lillygator]

I would go to Florida, have a fabulous time and let him deal with what he did.

 

[gris gris]

I'm a little bit confused as to why you need an attorney in the first place? He broke the law and should deal with it on his own. I know it's nice that he told you about it, but he's not living with you, you're not supporting him, and he didn't have to tell you.

OMG if I told my parents all the stupid things I did when I was 20 they would have thought I was the most irresponsible person in the world! Why put them through that worry - I was on my own and took care of myself.

You should stick with your original word about not helping him if it happened again and have a great family trip.

 

[minkydog]

What confuses me here is people stating that he's an adult - but he can't drink alcohol
IMHO if someone is old enough to marry or old enough to die for his/her country, he/she should be allowed to have a beer or a glas champagne at his/her own wedding.

That's beside the point. It doesn't matter what we think;The law is the law and he broke the law--for the second time! It's not like he didn't know. He did know and he chose to disobey the law. Therefore he will stand for punishment.

To the OP--You know, he needs to do this on his own. You bailed him out once. Cut him loose. He doesn't live with you. I'm not sure why he is still a dependent,maybe he's in school. If so, I would end the cash flow. I would not be paying for college anymore. He's had his one second chance.Adult children who persist in breaking the law and making foolish choices have to learn the hard way, unfortunatley. There is no reason for you to cancel your trip--he knows the drill, let him deal with it. Time for him to grow up, mom.

I know this is very hard for you. Back at Christmas we went through a similar situation with DS19(25+mph in a school zone ) I went with him to court, but we did not hire an attorney because he was clearly wrong. We made him pay the court costs, his driving school, and helped him find appropriate community service. About the same time he failed his first semester of college--we gave him a second chance. He just failed his second semester for a 0.00GPA. Now he is living at home& working and paying for his own insurance. I love my son dearly, but I would not be helping him if I don't draw the line in the sand.

Some boys need a long time to grow up, but parents can help by "putting sticks in the nest"--stop bailing them out, let them make their mistakes, let them be responsible for themselves. It is time.

 

[agnes!]

Wow I find it appalling that the police would waste their time on something as trivial as a 20 year old having a beer at a private party! If he was walking down the street drinking I might see it differently. Where did this happen?

Go to Florida, have a good time. Your son will figure it out.

It might not be trivial if the partygoers got into cars & drove while impaired. Also the noise/block party atmosphere/rowdiness could have been somewhat out of control, otherwise why would someone(a neighbor to the party, I assume) have called the police?

to the OP,
agnes!

 

[Poohnatic]

Chris,

You've gotten a lot of excellent advice.

Something from the Bible that always stays with me (and I'm not an overly religious person) is the verse "give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will feed himself for a lifetime."

It is so very true. By fixing things for your son, you're not allowing him to figure it out for himself. Take the vacation that it sounds like your family needs and deserves and let your son learn how to 'fish' for himself'.

Another aspect of this is that if he learns to fix his own problems, someday when he's married, his wife won't be put in the role of fixing things for him because he was used to Mom doing it. (you don't wanna know )

It's very hard to let go and see your kids make mistakes. That said, if he doesn't feel the consequences of his actions, then he'll never make an effort to do the right thing.

You will do so much more for your son if you stay out of it, offer advice IF ASKED, and not spend a dime of your own money on his mistake. If it hits him in the wallet, trust me, he'll think twice before doing it again. Don't even offer to call a lawyer for him or even go with him to a lawyer. Let him be a big boy in all ways with this situation.

It will probably make a better impression on the judge if he stands there alone when facing his charges. If they ticketed all this kids, I'm sure the court date is the exact same time.

Suzanne

 

[Tigger&Belle]

That last thing that I would do is to cancel the trip. If you are going to have a hard time enjoying yourself, you can see if he can postpone the court date. It is not your job to do that for him, however. And I would only suggest that if it would help you enjoy your vacation more, which in turn would mean a better time for your DD.

If he can't drive home, that is his problem. He can get someone else to drive him home or take a cab or bus.

It's not fair to your DD to punish her for what her brother has done. And you are not doing your son any favors by continuing to bail him out. I understand your feelings--I'm a mom, too, and we want to fix things for our babies, but our job is to grow our boys into responsible men. There are too many men with the mindsets of boys--we've all seen them.

I'm sorry that you're going through this! Parenting is not for sissies, is it (they forgot to warn us of this before we had kids)?

 

[Free4Life11]

Wow I find it appalling that the police would waste their time on something as trivial as a 20 year old having a beer at a private party!

I don't agree. Why wait until they are in the car? I'm sure that some of the kids drove to the party. Maybe her son wasn't going to drive home, but odds are someone was. It's only trivial until one of the partygoers gets into a car, drives home and kills someone along the way. Speaking from experience, I know that a good majority of 20-year-olds don't always make the best decisions.

 

[goodeats]

I don't buy that argument. Age is not a factor in who is going to drink and drive. A 40 year old is just as likely to drink and drive as is a 20 year old just as likely not to. It's a matter of the person not the age.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

What confuses me here is people stating that he's an adult - but he can't drink alcohol
IMHO if someone is old enough to marry or old enough to die for his/her country, he/she should be allowed to have a beer or a glas champagne at his/her own wedding.

i agree. i know i'll also get flamed. but I think whats you're 18, going to college,work,air force etc. you're old enough to drink.
he was drinking in a house. i know he has to answer to the law, but i wouldn't cancel the trip either.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I also do not think that it's a big deal for a 20 year old to have one drink, assuming that they are not driving, but that's not the point here.

The fact of the matter is that the legal drinking age in the USA is 21yo. He knew that when he chose to go to the party and he chose to have the drink. He knew that he was going to be on his own if he got busted.

There are a lot of things that I personally don't find such a big deal, but if a person does whatever it is (and gets caught), they have to pay the price. It starts when they're little and doesn't stop at some magic age.

A teammate (13yo) of my son was ejected from a baseball game a couple of weeks ago. The boy was playing catcher and the ump made a bad call (it was a bad call, according to those that could see). The boy mumbled the curse word for BS, the ump heard and ejected him from the game, which meant that he also couldn't play in the next game. It hurt our team since we are short of players and may have cost us that particular game. I can't totally blame the boy, but he has to control his teen, hot temper. He made a choice and he had to pay the price. Too bad he let his team down, just as the OP's son is letting his family down, in a much bigger way. But the OPs son used to be 13yo.

They've got to be held accountable for their actions and the family shouldn't have to suffer any more than necessary.

 

[Chris2597]

Thank you.....Thank you.....Thank you....for all of your support, advise and comments....
DS intends to ask for an extension of time. He called the court today and was advised that this was not a problem. He has to write a letter to the judge, stating that he can not make the court date, provide his DL # and case #..He is asking for a date in July, if possible..I have advised DS that I do not intend on going to court with him....He can go and handle it....However, he wants us to be in town when he has to go....and I really dont want to worry about this 1200 miles away on vacation if the current date holds.....Yep...it is his problem and I am letting him pay the price but I know I would be a mess that far away..This letting go stuff is hard, but I know this is what I have to do...for my son and for the rest of the family..I realize as another poster said that the courts are full and this should not be extended, but I so need a bit of peace and I thought our week in Fl would allow for that....The last year has been stressful caring for my 86 yr old mom's health issues (broken hip, rehab, heart problems, last month she broke her pelvis, rehab, now home)...So I am going to be selfish and hope for an extention.
I talked to ds friends mom (he also got an mip that night) and they are getting an attorney to try to get his mip dropped. He already has deferred adjudication on an mip last year....I think she is where I was before this incident....trying to rescue and be the clean up crew for her child's decisions

 

[mickeyfan2]

So should we cancel plans to be in Fl to be here for the court date?
Nope. He is an adult.

Try to postpone the court date until we get back (this is my fav).
Again nope.

 

[mickeyfan2]

What confuses me here is people stating that he's an adult - but he can't drink alcohol
IMHO if someone is old enough to marry or old enough to die for his/her country, he/she should be allowed to have a beer or a glas champagne at his/her own wedding.

I don't know or care what the rules are in Germany. Here in the US you are an adult at 18 but cannot drink until 21. That is the law, so Americans live by it and pay the consequence it we don't. If us Americans want it changed then we will do it,if not then we live with it.

 

[mickeyfan2]

so he is downtown at court, they take his license....how will he get home
That is for him to figure out. He can walk, pay a cab, call a friend or ride a bike home.


So am I being a terrible mother for 1. going on vacation and leave ds20 to take care of this alone,
Not at all. By going on vacaton you are making him realize there are consequences to his actions. The sooner he learns the better off his future will be.


2. not pay the fine and make him arrange payment options with the court?
See above.

 

[Galahad]

I don't know or care what the rules are in Germany. Here in the US you are an adult at 18 but cannot drink until 21. That is the law, so Americans live by it and pay the consequence it we don't. If us Americans want it changed then we will do it,if not then we live with it.

Agreed. The practices of another country are not even remotely relevant. If the "argument" is "he's old enough to die for his country" then the right answer is to raise the military age, not lower the drinking age. 25 year olds are barely adults. 18 year olds have no business drinking, IMO.