Opps DS20 did it again....AN MIP

[Chris2597]

DS20 fessed up tonight that 4 weeks ago he got an MIP (minor in possesion).... He was already in trouble with us for another reason at the time of the MIP and he didnt want us to get angrier....so he opted not to tell us..He and a bunch of his buddies, all under 21, except 1 went to a party, there was a keg in the house...the police showed up at the door, carded everyone...21+ were told to leave, under 21 breathe test or citation..ds opted for the citation as he had one beer and if breathe test was positve...they would be arrested....well the court date came in and he figured it was fess up time...This will be MIP #2.... He got an MIP when he turned 18, did 3 month probation, community service, alcohol awareness class, and paid a fine. He received deferred adjudication....He does not live with us but is still our dependant....even though he pretty much goes about his life as he pleases....
My question is.....We have airline tickets, hotels ressies, the works for a trip to Fl... : the day before his court date. He is not going on the trip...just dh, dd and me...We cancelled our trip last year because my mother broke her hip....and was being released from the hospital and needed our help..We were disapointed that we didnt go but wanted to be here to care for mom..and now this year ds pulls this..What is really infuriating is that we bought these tickets after his MIP...If he had told us....we would not have booked our vacation tickets for that week....but he chose to keep it to himself....Isnt it funny how they can be so aloof when they wnat to and then something like this and they are right up in yoru face wanting to know what to do.I am so upset with him....We told him after the first time that he would be on his own to handle it if he did anything like that again. We hired an attorney the last time, but at a fairly high $$ amount.He did a great job and got ds a good deal...but obviously it didnt teach him a lesson.... I know boys will be boys and his age group, college kids drink at parties....To his defense...he was not driving....thank goodness..and I am sure he was not intoxicated when the police arrived or they would have taken more action...I think the party had just gotten started. ..but who knows who he would have gone home with...but at least he would not have been the driver.
So should we cancel plans to be in Fl to be here for the court date? Try to postpone the court date until we get back (this is my fav). should we tell DS that he has to handle the matter....We told him if there is a fine he will have to work it out with the court to make payments as we are not going to pay up front like the last time...(he paid us back at his leisure)
The community board always has good advise....which I would appreciate....and any experience with how these matters go.I swear sometimes I think my family is trying to drive me crazy. Anyone know the chances of the court postponing the case? I would like to be there, not to pay the bills, but to be sure he is treated fairly. I am wondering if he will get a suspended license??
Please give advice....

 

[WatchinCaptKangaroo]

Nope. He is an adult at 20. Go on your trip, enjoy yourself and let him face his consequences like the adult he is.

 

[Chris2597]

You dont know how much I want to do that....but I look in those baby blues and all those mothering instincts get poppin....I really am sick of his stunts....and he has pulled a few to say the least, but we have always been there to mop up the messes....only difference is these 2 MIP's are hard to resolve and I dont know if we are doing him any favors by stepping in. Our wonderful attorney friend got him a good deal, with some punishment, but in the end we paid the fine, paid for drug awareness class, arranged his community service at my school.....so maybe it didnt sting enough...

 

[FreshTressa]

You know what you need to do.

You need to let him deal with his results now, while he is young. If you do not, he will get in worse trouble later.

I would not get mad at him...he is an adult now, but I also would not let him destroy my trip.

Hug him, hire him an attorney, then enjoy your trip (if you can!)

It is not fair to DD to cancel the trip.

 

[Viking]

What confuses me here is people stating that he's an adult - but he can't drink alcohol
IMHO if someone is old enough to marry or old enough to die for his/her country, he/she should be allowed to have a beer or a glas champagne at his/her own wedding.

 

[Chris2597]

I know I need to let go of the apron stings (as dh tells me) but it is so hard...Dh told him to call the attorney in the morning that helped him last time...My concern is that one of the punishments that can be given is driver license suspension for 60 days....so he is downtown at court, they take his license....how will he get home..if we are not here. I dont actually think he will need an attorney this time,but maybe some advise...The first time he got the MIP he was in his car at school and the school police found 3 beers in his backpack. He was not taking them in to school...they were in his back pack that stays in the truck...this time around....he went into the part, had a beer, went into the living room and was hanging out and the police came in....so he did not have any beer in his hand but was at a party with beer...
So am I being a terrible mother for 1. going on vacation and leave ds20 to take care of this alone, 2. not pay the fine and make him arrange payment options with the court? I dont want to step in a make everything seem peachy....I want this to be a pain in his butt....Last time it was a pain in mine...He did his community service for me at my school....and sort half heartedly did it....not again...I want him to have to work this time to get out of this...
Well....it is 3am and I have stressed about this long enough....Sorry for all of the ???? I have had a tendancy to jump in and save my kids and make things right....but we helped him once with the same thing.....and I cant in good conscience let him get off easy this time...I want it to make an impression.

 

[FreshTressa]

Does not sound like your DS even did anything all that wrong. The most bothersome is him not telling you. That is how you got in this position.

The issue here is you, your DD and your DH's happiness.

You should support him, but let him take a cab home if he needs to. There really is very little you can do by having your physical body in town while he is in court. Offer your emotional support....and enjoy your vacation. I don't see a big deal with you helping him out of this situation, I just don't want you to cancel your trip over it.

 

[heathrow42]

Normally.. I wouldn't post to a thread like this.. lol.. So, I hope you wouldn't have posted here, hoping folks would reply telling you what you 'want to hear'. As someone else said, it sounds like you already know what to do.

Listen to what you are saying:
You want the court, paid for by our tax dollars, to postpone your adult son's case, so you can go on vacation. In general our court system is under funded and bogged down enough as it is. What lesson are you teaching your son about the seriousness of this charge and owning up to his actions, when you would like for the court to work around your schedule.. not his, but yours? You don't have to be there for the hearing.. if you want to be there then cancel your trip.

Who's being punished?.. the court sentenced him to drug awareness class, the court fined him.. not you. The court imposed this sentence with the expectation that he, not you, would accept responsibility for his actions and follow through on his punishment and learn something from it. If the judge had wanted to sentence you, he would have! What would you have done if your son was sentenced to 3 months in prison? Would you have showed up in his place? How is paying for his fines any different?

It is a reasonable expectation that by now your son should understand that every action starts with a choice, and that once you make a choice you have to take responsibility for your actions. He should have learned this everytime he did something great and was praised for it and everytime he made a mistake, long before it ever got to this point. He should *want* to accept responsibility for his actions. He is an adult, now.. what are you telling him about being an adult by bailing him out and taking the punishment for him? You are doing him a great disservice.

Hand him the phone book... help him find an attorney.. let him pay for it.. at some point he's got to start doing this for himself.

Viking, just because you have reached the age of majority doesn't mean that you are legally eligible for all the privledges our society has to offer. Can't drink till you are 21, can't run for president till you are 35. In some states 12 year olds can be tried as adults.. does that mean that we should let them drive, let them vote, hand them a 6 pack and let them run for president? Obviously as the original post demonstrates, 20 year olds don't always make the right/legal decision, even with full knowledge of the law.. and well drinking just further impairs your decision making skills. The issue isn't whether the law should be the law.. the issue is that he knowingly and repeatedly broke the law.

--Heather

 

[Free4Life11]

My concern is that one of the punishments that can be given is driver license suspension for 60 days....so he is downtown at court, they take his license....how will he get home..if we are not here.

Walk, take the bus, get a cab, call a friend, etc. He's 20, he'll find a way.

So am I being a terrible mother for 1. going on vacation and leave ds20 to take care of this alone, 2. not pay the fine and make him arrange payment options with the court?

ENJOY YOUR VACATION! He's an adult and can deal with this. I wouldn't pay the fine at all or cancel your trip! What kind of a lesson will that teach him? That whenever he screws up mom and dad will drop what they are doing, bail him out, and baby him? This is the second time he's been caught, it's time he learned his lesson.

Good luck.

 

[jocon]

You know what's sad? Everyone, including yourself and your son, knows that somehow you will make all of this better for your "little boy". You'll cancel or postpone your departure, you'll end up paying for the attorney (you've already directed your son to call him) and you'll front the money for the fine. Every parental instinct in your body tells you to do it. It's a natural feeling, but it doesn't make it the right one to follow through on.

 

[Chris2597]

Jocan....You are right....every fiber of my being is telling me...to be here...to help him, to get him out of this with the least impact to his permanent record....but I know I cant....Yes, I want him to call the attorney, get some advise, but even with that....he needs to work the charges out if there is a fee....I really do know what I need to do in the "intellectual" part of my brain, but whew...that emotional side keeps popping in with worry.....It is hard to stop being the "mommy" when that is what I did for so many years....
So I do know what I need to do....as I want him to learn a lesson....I dont want this to be something that continues....But it doesnt make it any less hard to sit back and watch.
His 2 sisters (27/17) are the polar opposite of him....and both of them have told us that we need to let him face his decisions....So yes, even close family are telling me what that smart side of the brain is saying...."step back and let him face his choice".

Heathrow....Thank you for taking the time to post....You write one tough post but you are, oh so right....You were totally right on about who is being punished....well you know that was a big light bulb moment for me.....because dh and I have been the ones that have been punished by his bad choices the last MIP, some other dumb things he has pulled, and now this (change vacation, go into family funds to help, ect...), his sisters have paid a price for his choices....with us being so consumed helping him....I am sick to my very soul of being in that position with someone that keeps making poor choices....Yes, it is time to let him pay the proverbial fiddler.

Thanks you to everyone....I knew I would get straight shooting with Dis Comm. board....I needed to bounce this off others....I am sure I will be referring to this post during the next month when I start to waiver.
Thank you , Chris

 

[SC Minnie]

You told him last time if he did it again he was on his own. Well, he did it again and you are thinking about going back on your original statement.

I'm sorry but he would have to deal with this on his own. If they take is license then he can call a cab. He knew the consequences of his actions and did it anyway.

If you keep bailing him out of trouble how is he going to learn to be a man take his punishment when he breaks the law.

 

[left210]

Well I just wanted to put my two cents in here because it might help you. My brother is an alcoholic and my mother has bailed him out time and time again. Now 15 years later he still expects her to bail him out when he gets in trouble. I realize that not all young kids who drink will turn out to be alcoholics but the point is had my mom allowed him to receive his punishment at an early age and not bailed him out each time maybe it would have hit home more. He now has the mentality that mom always bails me out so there is no consequence to him for his actions because it doesnt cost him anything. I recommend you let him handle this on his own this time. It might hurt now but he will be better off in the long run for it.

 

[agnes!]

Wow, I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. I know your heart must be breaking for your son.

That being said, I tend to agree with what others have posted. Sadly, he made his bed, now he can lie in it...as the saying goes. Listen to your older daughters, sometimes other family members can see things much more clearly than we can ourselves.

Hand him the phone book, give him the lawyer's business card (who handled your DS' first MIP), go on vacation with your DH & your younger DD. The rest of the family does not deserve to be punished for your DS' actions, they (and *you*) deserve some fun. Sometimes misbehaving family members suck all the attention away from the good kids (and sometimes even the good adults!) in a family. Unfortunately, your DS sounds like what I call an "attention vortex". These are people who suck all the attention, all the resources (monetary *and* emotional) away from everybody else in a situation. It's time to turn more of your attention to the rest of your family...they need you just as much as your DS does...maybe even more.
If you think you might feel so badly that you cannot enjoy yourself at WDW, perhaps you can arrange for an adult family friend or family member to be in court, if the hearing date does indeed fall during your vacation time. This person would not be your DS' advocate, but would be your eyes and ears and ring you up when the court stuff is over.

You're not a bad mom, you're a good person. You & your DH have raised some wonderful children, including your DS. He'll come back to you, he'll start making *wise* choices, but in order to do that you will have to step back and let him stand on his own two feet.
Let him be a *man*.

P&PD ,
agnes!

 

[CarolA]

Food for thought...
If you cancel the trip aren't you punishing DD for DS's sins? She has to give up her vacation because her adult brother got in trouble?

You did it all for him last time, maybe the lesson will take this time if you don't do it all....

 

[arminnie]

No advice - you have to do what you think is best.

But I had no idea that laws were so different across the country. When I went to college the legal age was 18, so it was never an issue. Funny thing is that we drank far less than others I knew in states where it was illegal - I guess it was that forbidden fruit thing. We were ordering a drink at a time - not bringing a bottle to finish off.

Where I am now it would not be illegal for him to have a drink in a private residence. As recently as a few years ago that even meant that dorm rooms were ok. The school (not the law) nixed that.

Obviously MIP is a serious offense where you are. It would rarely even be considered where I live now. I remember when I lived in Texas that a minor could even order a drink (at any age!!) if they were with their parent.

In college we even had social events with the faculty where liquor was served on a regular basis. How the world has changed.

 

[goodeats]

Wow I find it appalling that the police would waste their time on something as trivial as a 20 year old having a beer at a private party! If he was walking down the street drinking I might see it differently. Where did this happen?

Go to Florida, have a good time. Your son will figure it out.

 

[chasbos]

goodeats - you took the words right out of my mouth!

I have never quite figured out the 21 years old to drink law?? Here in most of Canada it is 19 and in some provinces it is 18. And if you get caught - they just take it away and give you a $100 fine.

But to the OP - he is an adult who in theory could be living on his own! So go on your vacation and leave him to deal with the consequences - he will be a better person for it in the end (of course it may take a few years for both of you to realize that!)

 

[ZipaDeeDooDah]

First of all hugs for Mom, you must feel so torn! I agree with what was pointed out earlier: DD, DH and you will all be punished (by postponing your vacation) for something DS did (again!). Not fair - go enjoy your holiday!

Now having said that, would you be able to enjoy your holiday, or would you be worrying/thinking about DS too much? If the vacation will be less enjoyable because of the extra stress, I would think about postponing the trip until a later date, but still be "unavailable" for DS on his court date.

Just my 2 cents!

 

[LisaNJ25]

What confuses me here is people stating that he's an adult - but he can't drink alcohol
IMHO if someone is old enough to marry or old enough to die for his/her country, he/she should be allowed to have a beer or a glas champagne at his/her own wedding.

As someone who was married at 18 I agree with you. Thankfully at the time I got married it was easier to get a fake ID to be able to have a drink.