Opinions Please

[**Tinker*Bell*7**]

I want to get some opinions on a situation here.

My mother (50) & I (29) have been trying to plan a trip for my 3 cousins (boys 12 & 9 & girl 9). Wanted to take them all for Halloween but parents didn't want to take them out of school. No problem -- we planned a summer trip.

The boys are going. The problem here is that my uncle won't let my cousin go with us. She's been invited on our last 4 trips & begs me at least once a month to take her to wdw. He has had me tell her each time before that she couldn't go b/c she was in school but if we went in the summer she could go. I have been promising her (at his urging) for a year and a half that I would take her in the summer.

I have always kept my word with this child & now she is mad at me b/c we are going in the summer (in 2 wks.) & her dad won't let her go. He won't tell me why. He just said no. I have taken her places before since she was just a baby & I was just a kid myself so I don't understand this. I have an EXCELLENT driving record. Plus we will be travelling with 2 cell phones and 2 road rescue services. and aside from that I love this child like she was my own. I would never intentionally let anything happen to her and would keep her safe at all costs.

I found out yesterday from my grandmother that he told her that he didn't want her to go with us b/c we were travelling without a man. Talk about insulting!! Just Sat. night he needed a babysitter for her & I was a good enough choice for that but she can't go on vacation with me b/c there's no MAN travelling with us.

The kicker here is that she can go on another trip 2 wks. later w/ another uncle & his family & my grandparents. and on top of that my uncle will be taking her and two other kids deep sea fishing on this trip. imho, i keep a much closer eye on this child than any of them will.

I would like to know what you think of this and what I should tell her about why I'm not keeping my promise to her.

 

[DizBelle]

That is ridiculous. But some people (especially men) have some archaic ideas.

But, there isn't a whole lot you can do about it. As ignorant as he is, he is her father and he can make that decision. What does her mother say about it?

I suggest that you insist that he tell you the reason for not letting her go with you instead of hearing it from someone else. If he can't tell you directly, then he is not very confident in his reasons.

In the end, if you can't convince him to let her go, you need to tell him that he should discuss with his daughter why he won't let her go. She needs to hear it from him. The sad thing is that he will be telling her that women cannot be independent and "need a man" to do anything. Very sad.

If you can, I would discuss it with her as well. Tell her that women can be self-sufficient but in this case, her parents have the final say.

I don't think that you are not keeping your promise. And you should not let her believe that you aren't. You have a trip planned that would not interfere with her school and she is invited to go. You need to make sure it is clear to her that it is her father that is keeping her from going, not you. She is 9, old enough to understand that.

Her father told you to tell her that if it was a summer trip she could go. Now you have a summer trip planned and he won't let her go. HE is the one not keeping his promise. And he needs to own up to that with his daughter. He needs to be the one to tell her that she can't go. He shouldn't make you be the bad guy.

 

[Ducky4Disney]

That kind of thing vexes me. I can see why your are frustrated and I am frustrated for you! I agree with Ifontaine, ask him for a reason, and tell him what you heard if he refuses to answer. I am curious what his wife thinks about this trip?

I'm trying to figure out this family tree... you're trying to take your cousin, and your Uncle won't let you, so your Mom (who is also going) is his sister? Or sister-in-law? I think I have that right. Get a sibling of his to talk to him, it's easier to be confronted by a peer/sibling than a younger relative.

It's too bad that the girl is upset with you, because you have done nothing wrong, in fact, you changed your plans to include her! (Tell him that, too!) He should explain to his daughter why he won't let go - it's not your decision not to take her so it's not your responsibilty to explain why.

Let us know how it goes, and if he doesn't come around, give us his phone number and tell him that 55,000 of your friends won't leave him alone unti he lets her go to WDW!

D4D

 

[decker96]

Is this your mom's brother? If so, would she be able to talk to him about it? I agree with the previous poster that your uncle needs to be the one to tell her that she can't go and why, not you. Maybe the parents of the boys could talk to him also. They could explain why they are comfortable with you and your mom taking their kids, maybe he just needs a little more convincing. In the end, it is his decision, of course, but your cousin should understand that it is not you that is making the choice for her, it's her dad. Good luck, I hope it works out!

 

[**Tinker*Bell*7**]

Let me clarify a couple of things I guess I should have included.

My uncle is mom's brother.

He's not married to my cousin's mom & her mom is not in the picture.

 

[patsal]

Bottom line for your cousin is that her dad will not let her go, it is not that you wont take her--make that clear to her. Whatever his reason, he is the one who decides what is best for his child and what she is allowed to do or not do. My sister has done this with my nephew several times. I just let him know that when she says he can go he is welcome to join us and I let her know that she must let me know with enough time in advance to reserve the proper size accomadations (I'm DVC so the extra child will push us to a 2BR). In the meantime know that you didn't do anything wrong, nor did you break a promise, Dad broke an agreement and since she is 9 and he should be able to give her clear reasons for his decision that she will be able to understand even if she doesn't agree with him.
Good luck and have a great vacation despite the "problem".

 

[Serenity]

I am so sad for you both. I can tell how much you really care for her and want to be able to share Disney with her.

Could your mom talk him into it since she is his sister? - Probably not if his reason is that no Man is there - he won't listen to his sister - a woman. LOL.

Good luck.

 

[**Tinker*Bell*7**]

thanks for your responses. at least i know that i am not alone in my thinking on this.

 

[Ragmop]

It could be you are a lot younger than him and driving a great distance could be a worry with some parents-I am that way. Although my brother "thinks" he's a good driver, I don't and would never let him take my kids on a trip-no way jose! So it could be just that.

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

I don't think it could be the age issue... since his sister is going and she's 50.

If this cousin/girl's mom is not in the picture- it sounds like he's just not used to a "woman" taking care of his child for extended periods of time or taking her places driving far/etc. It's always him, the father... so maybe that's why he feels more comfortable with only men also taking her on trips. Maybe he just worries a lot and thinks a woman wouldn't be able to defend his child if they got in a really bad situation (car broke down, crazy men stopped to help- that type of thing).

Ultimately it's his decision BUT I would also suggest (as others have) having the sister talk to him... but if that doesn't change his mind then definitely he (or you, if he refuses) should tell the cousin/girl why she's not going. There isn't a reason in the world for her to be upset with you- you want her to go! She's 9... she's got to be rational.... so why on earth would she be mad at you when you want her to go but her father won't let her go? Unless he's lied to her about the reason?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Exactly, why would the girl be mad at you? That does not make any sense.

 

[welovedisneyx4]

I hate it when men (and women) think women can't do things on their own. I get this from my parents and DIL's. I also get it from my DH sometimes. I know they are just trying to keep me safe, but good gosh, I am 36 years old and can go to the mall, go out of town and just about anything else on my own or w/ me and the kids--even at night!!! I know what safety precautions to take, I don't go to bad areas, I took care of myself for quite a while during college and before I got married. I think they just have some old-fashioned ideas. At least I know they care.

 

[Beth76]

I don't understand why she thinks you're not keeping your promise? Why would she be upset with you? It's her dad that won't let her go.

 

[**Tinker*Bell*7**]

her dad is 44 & is more like a big brother to me than an uncle. i don't understand his problem with this.

it is not that he's not used to having women take care of the child. my grandmother picks her up from school every day and cooks supper for them. and i have been very much in the picture since she was a baby. i've taken care of her, taken her places, done things with her and for her. i've been very much like a mother to her. in fact she minds me better than she minds her dad.

i do believe that he is telling her that i won't take her though and not that he won't let her go.

 

[Sandy V.]

Tinker Bell, you need to make sure that your neice knows that it is HER FATHER, and not you, that is preventing her from going.

But I wouldn't tell her in conversation just between the two of you. For validation, I'd tell her this fact in at least your mother's presence as well. It would be even better if your uncle were there, too, or other family members who know the truth. Would be interesting to see how your uncle "squirms" in such a situation.

You shouldn't have to be the "fall guy" here. It's one thing if he doesn't want her to go. He's the dad and that's his perrogative. But, if so, he needs to take responsibility for his own decisions and not pass the buck.

Good luck!!

 

[DSNY FN]

My guess is he is afraid that if you take her and she has a great time she will start asking him to take her and he doesn't want to.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would tell her that she cannot go with you because her dad says no. And make sure you say it with her dad there, so he cannot worm out of it.

Let him deal with explaining why.

Bottom line is, he's her father, and as such, can make the decision whether or not his child can go somewhere. But, in making that decision, he also has to have the guts to tell his child that it's HIS decision and not make you the fall guy.

You're not lying to the child, nor are you breaking a promise. You would take her if her father said it was OK. And I'd tell her just that. "I'm sorry Susie, but your dad said no."

 

[DizBelle]

Originally posted by Ragmop
It could be you are a lot younger than him and driving a great distance could be a worry with some parents-I am that way. Although my brother "thinks" he's a good driver, I don't and would never let him take my kids on a trip-no way jose! So it could be just that.

If this is the case then he shouldn't have said that he would let her go of the trip was at a time when she wouldn't be taken out of school.

 

[**Tinker*Bell*7**]

i understand that it's his right to say that his child can't go somewhere. my problem here is that he has been having me tell her since dec. 2002 that she could go on this trip when i went in the summer. now i am going in the summer and he's not letting her go and i think he's making it seem like i won't take her, not that he won't let her go.

and as far as her wanting to go back and him not wanting to take her, that is actually the case. he took all 3 of his kids about six years ago. the oldest died 4 years ago after a long illness. he doesn't want to go back b/c his son had such a good time there that he doesn't think he can ever go back there again. this child was only 3 when they went and doesn't remember the trip. and she is welcome to go with me anytime he will let her. i have an ap & look forward to travelling to wdw any time i can. this is my 4th trip in 18 months & she has been invited all 4 times. and it's not that the other child wasn't invited. i'm not really close to this child but would love to take her, however her mother wouldn't allow her to go. she always tries to come up with reasons for her not to be able to do things with our family. anyway the other child is 15 and was invited to go to wdw with a bunch of her friends and at least one mother (this is the only parent i have heard about) to spend 2 wks. & she is being allowed to go.

i appreciate all of your responses.

 

[DizBelle]

Originally posted by **Tinker*Bell*7**
i do believe that he is telling her that i won't take her though and not that he won't let her go.

Don't you let him get away with this! She needs to understand the real reasons for not being allowed to go on the trip. Don't let him make you lie to her. That is so wrong.

What could possibly be the reason he is telling her that you won't take her with you??

You just tell her the truth and make your uncle be a man and own up to his decision to not let her go. That may show him that you are capable of taking these kids on a trip "without a man."