opinions needed about gifts split between adult daughters

[Ceila]

Why do you think it wasn't fair that your brothers got a check? Your brothers got married just like you did? Your parents gave you a check when you got married? Just because you had to use yours to pay for the wedding is irrelevant. You could have pocketed the cash and had a small wedding on a budget, you decided to spend it all on a wedding.

I think you are misinterpreting her post. Her husband joked about it being unfair. And I think her reference to taking fairness "too far" may have been because her parents ended up spending too much on all four, not because her parents gave each child a check. I think the poster would have been happier with her parents if they had given each a smaller amount, but perhaps I'm the one reading it incorrectly. Perhaps she will be able to clarify.

That being said, though, it really does seem to me that, throughout this thread, your bitterness over your own situation is clouding your ability to read other people's posts without being colored by your own bias. I hope you are someday able to work through your feelings and find peace.

 

[seven dwarfs]

You are misunderstanding. I have been told by the Dis brigade that my parent's money is my parent's money so they should be able to spend and disperse it as they see fit and I should stop whining that they are dispersing it in a way that I find unfair. Fine, I get that, but yet in the same breath you folks are crying foul over the OP's mother. The OP's mother has decided that this is how she chooses to disperse her funds. $500 to D1 and $500 split between D2 and family. Why aren't you folks telling her to suck it up, it is Mom's money she can choose to do with it as she pleases.

I understand why maybe you think that is what is being said. But I really think you are misunderstanding. I think when you have deep pain that others don't have and maybe can't understand, you look through foggy glasses. You are hearing what you want to hear.

We are talking about two different things. A Christmas present situation and then their money in general. While you did first address the original question of the thread, you went off topic. In your pain you changed the situation completely. You changed it to: if she got a wedding where is mine etc. I am going to assume if you get married, you will get a wedding?? If they pay you now for a wedding what if one day you get married then what? I don't have this problem. I don't see my parents as giving my sister a vacuum for her new house and doing something else for me as a problem.

I hear you saying you want it tit for tat with everything and that is not what I am saying at all. I think others on hear agree with me when I say that and that is why you are not understanding.

In a since you are saying the same thing that the ones who disagree with you are saying. Just with two different outcomes. Everyone on here beleives the money belongs to the holder of the money, including me. I am not saying I deserve it or am owed anything. I wanted validation for my feelings and also to see another person who does it this way and how they feel. To see both sides. You don't want to see both sides only yours. I do feel as an adult that I am owed love and respect but maybe I am wrong there too.

For you to say it should not be divided equal based on individual people is still allowing the decision to be the parents. And for those that say it doesn't seem fair or that they would do it differently, well, they still leave the power to the parents. At the end of it all, it's how we let it effect us.

I am really working through this all now because I have six kids whom I love more then life itself and want to do whats right by them. How will I handle it when they marry and have children? And at the end of the day, if everyone feels loved, does any of this stuff even matter.

Is it that it has nothing to do with how much money your sister has gotten and what kind of love you have? Only you can answer that for yourself. And this is the question I am asking myself.

And at the end of the day that's what both our parents are doing. Your parents are spending what they have the way they want as our mine. I am not going to change my parents. Even if I tell them how I feel about Christmas (which I won't) they won't change. We are both on opposite ends of the pain yet we still have pain. So what are you going to do with it and what am I going to do with mine?

 

[surfgirl]

Why do you think it wasn't fair that your brothers got a check? Your brothers got married just like you did? Your parents gave you a check when you got married? Just because you had to use yours to pay for the wedding is irrelevant. You could have pocketed the cash and had a small wedding on a budget, you decided to spend it all on a wedding.

Well, if you read the rest... I stated that I was grateful for that and many other things. I am eternally grateful for everything they've given me. They tell me I'm too generous now with them and gifts, but I keep telling them that they gave me so many advantages in life, that it will never make up for it.

As for your question:
My brothers "got" more than I did... they got a check when I got married PLUS they "got" a wedding paid for (by their spouses' parents). I only "got" a check. Again, I'm not complaining... just a decision that I won't be repeating when my kids are older.

I like the "Fair isn't equal" statement!

 

[seven dwarfs]

I just wanted to address the bolded.

There is a thing called reciprocity. In order to have a "healthy" meaningful relationship with anyone, there has to be give and take.

Somewhere along the line you did not get this message. Instead, you are living as a co-dependent.

Living as a co-dependent with someone is not healthy and it will make you crazy because it is a crazy way to live.

Therapy will teach you how to spot your spiral and give you healthy strategies for dealing with co-dependent relationships, so you don't go crazy.

Example, you focus on "Christmas gifts", money spent, parental pressure, etc.. to distract you from the real issues. Time to get off the hamster wheel.

It does not have to be "all or nothing". You can learn how to set up boundaries with your family.

This gives me hope, thanks. So all this long drawn out post to get to the issue. Lol Who knew.

 

[surfgirl]

I think you are misinterpreting her post. Her husband joked about it being unfair. And I think her reference to taking fairness "too far" may have been because her parents ended up spending too much on all four, not because her parents gave each child a check. I think the poster would have been happier with her parents if they had given each a smaller amount, but perhaps I'm the one reading it incorrectly. Perhaps she will be able to clarify.

I thought it silly that my parents felt obligated to give money to my brothers when I got married, because their out of pocket cost was significantly higher. (note: my brothers both had weddings paid for not by them). It was that I was unhappy with them... their money and they can choose how to spend it - I just thought it a silly decision. But again, I'm thankful for everything I've been given.

 

[prncess674]

As for your question:
My brothers "got" more than I did... they got a check when I got married PLUS they "got" a wedding paid for (by their spouses' parents). I only "got" a check. Again, I'm not complaining... just a decision that I won't be repeating when my kids are older.

Well you made a choice in marrying your husband. His parent's didn't provide a large check. Why should your brother be penalized by not getting a check from his own parents because your husband's family didn't cut your a check? You each had parents and they could have ponied up a check. Your brother's wife's parents decided to pony up for a wedding. You and your brother are from the same parents and your parents gave each of you a gift, you spent it on a wedding. Your brother was lucky enough that spouse's parents gave money too. Your brother did not get more, he got the same thing as you from your parents. His wife got a wedding from her parents.

 

[Ceila]

I thought it silly that my parents felt obligated to give money to my brothers when I got married, because their out of pocket cost was significantly higher. (note: my brothers both had weddings paid for not by them). It was that I was unhappy with them... their money and they can choose how to spend it - I just thought it a silly decision. But again, I'm thankful for everything I've been given.

Thanks for the explanation.

I have a daughter and a son, and honestly I'm not sure I would handle it much differently than your parents did. I always I thought that I would like to be able to give both of my children a sum of money to use for their weddings or whatever they choose.

As for commenting on the OP's situation, in my family, I am the daughter who is married with kids; my sister is single without children. My parents do usually give her more than they do me, but unlike the OP they actually go overboard on stuff for my kids. My husband and I usually tell them not to buy us anything, since they are already buying for our kids and we really don't need a thing. I've never had a problem with how they do things. With other family members who have kids, we've generally all agree to just buy for the kids and skip exchanging as adults. With my sister, though, I ask her to skip my DH and I, but we always give her gifts, since she doesn't have little ones. (I hope all that makes sense, lol!)

This thread has been a really interesting one to follow, and it's given me lots of things to think about for when my kids are grown. I'm not the OP, but I really appreciate all the varying opinions and seeing what other people feel!

 

[surfgirl]

Well you made a choice in marrying your husband. His parent's didn't provide a large check. Why should your brother be penalized by not getting a check from his own parents because your husband's family didn't cut your a check? You each had parents and they could have ponied up a check. Your brother's wife's parents decided to pony up for a wedding. You and your brother are from the same parents and your parents gave each of you a gift, you spent it on a wedding. Your brother was lucky enough that spouse's parents gave money too. Your brother did not get more, he got the same thing as you from your parents. His wife got a wedding from her parents.

wow. just wow. Talk about bitter. I see why you are so unhappy.

I thought the "equality" of the situation was ridiculous and had I known from the beginning that my parents were going to give the same amount to my brothers, I may have chosen to not have them contribute to our wedding. I just thought it silly. In this case, "equal" was NOT "fair" since my brothers "got" more than we did ... they got wedding + check while we only "got" wedding. Again, I'm not expressing ingratitude in any way, shape, or form, so don't try to imply that.

Princess, you need to focus on your anger. If you are so angry at your parents, why would you pay for their all expenses paid vacation to NY? Or to Disney so they could spend time with someone else ? "No. Not in my budget."

Or... since everything is so monetarily judged in your family, bargain for the family silver for their trip. You'd be much happier then because you'd have the silver. Or the dishes. or the "thing".

 

[Scurvy]

I thought it silly that my parents felt obligated to give money to my brothers when I got married, because their out of pocket cost was significantly higher. (note: my brothers both had weddings paid for not by them). It was that I was unhappy with them... their money and they can choose how to spend it - I just thought it a silly decision. But again, I'm thankful for everything I've been given.

That's weird. I could understand it if they decided that they would give each of their children (male or female) X amount when they were planning their weddings, to be used toward the wedding or whatever the couple wanted to use it for. And if one lucked out and had future inlaws who coughed up money as well, then they would be getting more than the others - but their own parents would be treating all three siblings equally. But I think distributing all the wedding money when only one is getting married is strange.

Does anyone else find it amusing that the same people are telling me to "suck it" your parents are welcome to spend their money however they so choose but in the second breath are saying that the OP's Mom should divide her money equally amongst the daughters, grandkids and BIL. How is it I should be told to "suck it up" but the OP should be telling her mom fair is fair I deserve 8/9.

No. The OP is hurt because she thinks her mother is favoring her sister. She isn't claiming that they are spending her share of the money on other people, she's asking if it's reasonable that she's hurt that her sister gets the lion's share of gifts (and the more thoughtful gifts) while the rest of the people in the family seem to get token gifts. It's reasonable for her to feel that way. And no one is telling her to tell her mother that she deserves 8/9 of the gifts.

If you were just complaining that your parents were favoring your sister by giving all family heirlooms to her, and none to you, that would also be reasonable. That's not what you're doing. You've already decided that 50% of their money "ought to be yours". You're complaining because they are spending 8/9 of their budget on 8 other people, and only 1/9 on you. That is not reasonable. I have a mental image of you at your nephew's first birthday party, grumbling and keeping a running total in your head when the gift from your parents is opened because that's more of "your" inheritance that was wasted on this interloper. You completely refuse to understand that you are no longer one of two people your parents shop for, you are now one of nine people they are shopping for. The person your sister married is a part of their family now. Her children are their family now. They are your family, too, but somehow I suspect you don't feel that way about them.

 

[prncess674]

I thought the "equality" of the situation was ridiculous and had I known from the beginning that my parents were going to give the same amount to my brothers, I may have chosen to not have them contribute to our wedding. I just thought it silly. In this case, "equal" was NOT "fair" since my brothers "got" more than we did ... they got wedding + check while we only "got" wedding. Again, I'm not expressing ingratitude in any way, shape, or form, so don't try to imply that.

Why should what your brother's in laws give them as a gift have any bearing on what your parents give your brother as a gift. You are both their children. Your SIL had generous parents, why should your brother get stiffed by his own parents because he has generous in laws?

 

[surfgirl]

That's weird. I could understand it if they decided that they would give each of their children (male or female) X amount when they were planning their weddings, to be used toward the wedding or whatever the couple wanted to use it for. ... snip.... But I think distributing all the wedding money when only one is getting married is strange.

That's it! I think had they presented it in that way it wouldn't have felt quite so strange. Or maybe instead had contributed $x when each of us bought our first house instead. It just felt funny.

It just felt strange.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

wow. just wow. Talk about bitter. I see why you are so unhappy.

I thought the "equality" of the situation was ridiculous and had I known from the beginning that my parents were going to give the same amount to my brothers, I may have chosen to not have them contribute to our wedding. I just thought it silly. In this case, "equal" was NOT "fair" since my brothers "got" more than we did ... they got wedding + check while we only "got" wedding. Again, I'm not expressing ingratitude in any way, shape, or form, so don't try to imply that.

Princess, you need to focus on your anger. If you are so angry at your parents, why would you pay for their all expenses paid vacation to NY? Or to Disney so they could spend time with someone else ? "No. Not in my budget."

Or... since everything is so monetarily judged in your family, bargain for the family silver for their trip. You'd be much happier then because you'd have the silver. Or the dishes. or the "thing".

So you would begrudge your brothers a gift from their parents? Whether their ILs gave them money or not is irrelevant. Their ILs gave "their" children a gift, not your brothers. I agree the timing is a little off, but what is wrong with saying, "okay, we have $30,000. Each of our childen will get $10,000 to do with what they want"?

 

[crusoe2]

So you would begrudge your brothers a gift from their parents? Whether their ILs gave them money or not is irrelevant. Their ILs gave "their" children a gift, not your brothers. I agree the timing is a little off, but what is wrong with saying, "okay, we have $30,000. Each of our childen will get $10,000 to do with what they want"?

Well, I'm not surfgirl but I can think of a couple of possibilities. Were her parents going to let her keep all of the alloted money even if she didn't spend it all on the wedding? Knowing what her parents planned and whether or not she was required to spend it all on the wedding might have influenced her decisions in regard to planning her wedding and she might have had a nice little nest egg left over. And since her parents broke with tradition - usually the groom's parents just pay for the rehearsal dinner - her brothers were given an allotment of the "family wedding money" that they were free to spend anyway they chose. But it sounds like she was made to feel as if she had stipulations on how she spent hers - if she wanted a big wedding, it had to come out of that money. I can relate somewhat (and perhaps this colors my view) because my mother left myself and my 3 siblings the same amount of money but she created a situation where there are stipulations on how mine is spent. My siblings were free to do whatever they chose with theirs. (And, no there wasn't a good reason for this - my siblings agree that I got a raw deal. While my mother was exceedingly fair and generous about some things, in other areas she could be very unreasonable.)

Anyhow, my point is that while you can certainly argue that surfgirl's parents were being perfectly fair, there might have been a better way to handle the situation so that it was truly fair instead of just equal.

 

[surfgirl]

So you would begrudge your brothers a gift from their parents?

Did I say that ?

I thought the decision "silly". Had they presented us each with a similar amount for our own respective weddings, it wouldn't have felt so strange.

Had I known of the decision at the beginning of wedding planning, there is a good chance, I would have turned it down, because I didn't expect their budget to pay for 3 times what they contributed. (btw, at least one of my brothers thought it was a strange thing, too).

I don't "begrudge" anyone anything. As I've stated, I appreciate my parent's generosity and everything they've given us (both monetarily and not monetarily).

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Did I say that ?

I thought the decision "silly". Had they presented us each with a similar amount for our own respective weddings, it wouldn't have felt so strange.

Had I known of the decision at the beginning of wedding planning, there is a good chance, I would have turned it down, because I didn't expect their budget to pay for 3 times what they contributed. (btw, at least one of my brothers thought it was a strange thing, too).

I don't "begrudge" anyone anything. As I've stated, I appreciate my parent's generosity and everything they've given us (both monetarily and not monetarily).

No you didn't say that, but it was the feeling I got that you felt it unfair that if their inlaws were paying for their weddings, you didn't feel they should be also getting a gift from your parents. Maybe I misundestood.

 

[seven dwarfs]

Ironically, this is how it was in my family... I was the only daughter, so when I got married, my parents told me their budget for the wedding... and cut me a check and then I managed expenses. (which made everyone happier!). They felt that my brothers "deserved" the equivalent amount, so my brothers also got a check for a similar amount. Therefore, my wedding really "cost" my parents 3x the true wedding expenses they paid. My husband, being funny, joked... 'hey this isn't fair. surfgirl's brothers got their wedding paid for (by spouse's parents) AND they got a check when surfgirl got married. I only got a wedding.'

In this case, the 'fairness' concept was taken too far. But having said that, they paid for (most of) my wedding and for that, I'm grateful. I also came out of college debt-free, so trust me, I have no complaints. (just minor opinion differences... their money, they choose how to spend it)

I had forgotten all about it until this post.

Thank you for posting your situation. It is neat to read as I have both boys and girls and never even thought about that yet! ugh. Again another opinion I have enjoyed reading. Thank you for posting and I understand completely what you are saying.

I am not sure it is worth it to spend any more time on prncess674 because she just wants to project her pain on everyone else. She has hijacked this tread. If she needs to continue to fight with people, she needs to start her own thread as mine is now off topic.

It is so unfortunate she can not just understand that everyone will not agree, try to understand how each feels and why, and move on. I have been able to see all the different exchanges on here and can understand a little bit of what everybody is thinking.

 

[seven dwarfs]

That's weird. I could understand it if they decided that they would give each of their children (male or female) X amount when they were planning their weddings, to be used toward the wedding or whatever the couple wanted to use it for. And if one lucked out and had future inlaws who coughed up money as well, then they would be getting more than the others - but their own parents would be treating all three siblings equally. But I think distributing all the wedding money when only one is getting married is strange.



No. The OP is hurt because she thinks her mother is favoring her sister. She isn't claiming that they are spending her share of the money on other people, she's asking if it's reasonable that she's hurt that her sister gets the lion's share of gifts (and the more thoughtful gifts) while the rest of the people in the family seem to get token gifts. It's reasonable for her to feel that way. And no one is telling her to tell her mother that she deserves 8/9 of the gifts.

If you were just complaining that your parents were favoring your sister by giving all family heirlooms to her, and none to you, that would also be reasonable. That's not what you're doing. You've already decided that 50% of their money "ought to be yours". You're complaining because they are spending 8/9 of their budget on 8 other people, and only 1/9 on you. That is not reasonable. I have a mental image of you at your nephew's first birthday party, grumbling and keeping a running total in your head when the gift from your parents is opened because that's more of "your" inheritance that was wasted on this interloper. You completely refuse to understand that you are no longer one of two people your parents shop for, you are now one of nine people they are shopping for. The person your sister married is a part of their family now. Her children are their family now. They are your family, too, but somehow I suspect you don't feel that way about them.

Boy oh boy, you said better then I have in all my posts. Thanks.

 

[JLTraveling]

I hope it helps me. I am not sure what the outcome will be. Can you be given tools that will help you better handle the situations? How do you let go of the pain and not allow it to come back up when they hurt you all over again?

Yes, you can be given tools. I'm so very glad for you that you're seeking therapy for this. It's a painful, awful situation, but your therapist will help you work through your complicated feelings and come to the resolution that is right for YOU. Not for the should/supposed to be/whatever, but for you, yourself, in the situation that you're in. It won't be easy, but it will be SO worthwhile!

For those that have lost their Mothers, I am very sorry for you. I often say to myself, I just want mine to love me and want me. I often say how sad that I can't get along with mine when other 'moms' would give anything to still be alive to be with their daughters. Again, sorry if I hurt anyone in that situation. But please understand your loss is much greater then mine because you had a loving relationship and with me, I have never had that and I am guessing never will.

No, please don't ever think that way. One person's loss is never greater than another's. I could just as easily say that your loss is worse, because I know what it's like to have that incredibly close relationship, I had it for 28 years, so I'm the lucky one. In reality, we all have our own crosses to bear, and you should never judge your pain against someone else's. It's real and it hurts, and it's good to express it. Again, I really believe that as long as you trust the therapist and the process, you will be able to work through these feelings. You'll never be *happy* with your relationship with your mother, but you'll be able to find peace.

I just wanted to address the bolded.

There is a thing called reciprocity. In order to have a "healthy" meaningful relationship with anyone, there has to be give and take.

Somewhere along the line you did not get this message. Instead, you are living as a co-dependent.

Living as a co-dependent with someone is not healthy and it will make you crazy because it is a crazy way to live.

Therapy will teach you how to spot your spiral and give you healthy strategies for dealing with co-dependent relationships, so you don't go crazy.

Example, you focus on "Christmas gifts", money spent, parental pressure, etc.. to distract you from the real issues. Time to get off the hamster wheel.

It does not have to be "all or nothing". You can learn how to set up boundaries with your family.

This. OP, follow your therapist's advice, but it's my recommendation that you step back from the situation until you've had time to heal. Focus on your own family, draw strength from them, and don't get drawn into drama with your mother. In time, you will be able to have as much of a relationship as YOU feel comfortable with, on your own terms.

 

[livvylivvie]

.

 

[livvylivvie]

I have cheerfully showed up at every single damn event and fulfill each and everyone of their requests. I am sharing my feelings here. I show up at every event and watch things that should be split up between children being handed over to my sister simply because she is married. It is favoritism and bias.

Oh I am certainly done being used. I am not allowed any of the family heirlooms but the parents had the audacity to ask me for an all expenses paid trip to New York as their Christmas present. Until you have walked a mile in my shoes get off your high horse.

You have also yet to explain why marriage allows one to have more than the other?

Have you expressed your feelings to your parents? Is there some heirloom that you specifically would really like? Why not ask your parents? Explain that If they are dividing things up anyway, you wouldn't mind having somthing yourself. Let them know how you feel.