Open Adoption. Any experience?

[Wishing on a star]

1) Since it's foster, and not voluntary relinquishment, they could want her back all they wanted but once the State terminates their rights it's a done deal.

2) The bio mom has significant mental deficits, is less than harmless, and quite childlike herself. She seems kind of fragile. I actually have concerns about what might happen to her, once she actually comprehends she may never see "little one" again, or know how she is.

3) Bio father, only seems to be going through the motions of "reunification" out of fear he will never see "little one" again, or know how she is; not because he wants to parent.

On the legal side, the bios lawyers know they are already losing the case but it's their job to fight. If social services submits an open permanency plan, they will likely be more willing to move forward to the termination hearing

.We're talking semi-annual, maybe quarterly, updates and pics and 1 monitored visit that we are present for, per year, as an opening "offer". Even that might be difficult to follow through on, only because they are not stable and tend to move around a lot, within the area, so the onus would be on them to at least keep a lawyer on notice of their whereabouts.

I would not be thinking of using an open adoption (open permanency plan ???) as a way to shorten the process. Not at all... The fact that you are offering adoption should be enough.... period... I would not let 'open' be forced into the picture unless I KNEW, 100%, that this was what you and your DH truly want. I would be very hesitant to let somebody who has an agenda wave this possibility (yes it is only a possibility) that this might possibly make the process just so much quicker and easier, cloud my judgement.

If these parents have lawyers and have been fighting... that says a LOT.
And, this will have to follow the process, till the end, unless the bio parents sign to reliquish parental rights...
Unless this happens, the lawyers have to do what they are being paid to do... and that is to fight for these parents.
It is up to the parents, not the lawyers.

And, yes, I have seen cases where a professional related to adoption had 'open' adoption as their own personal viewpoint and open agenda.

And, as far as the child's best interests.... I, honestly, can see no way that subjecting them to command performances with a virtual stranger, once a year... And having to deal with the very touchy and confusing and emotional realities that this will undoubtedly bring forth... can be a good thing.

A child should never have to go thru anything to serve the adult's needs.... How is hearing, from a virtual stranger, "OHhhh, you're my B-A-B-Y!!!!! I love you!!!!" .... the tears, or any other emotional eventuality.. be good for a child....

It seems to me that this is making requirements of a child to meet the adult's needs/wishes...

How is your child going to feel about taking on the weight of their biological parents fragile emotional, and even financial, needs when they are eight, ten, 16, and when becoming an adult at the tender age of 18.... These are questions that must be considered,

Also, you say that it seems to be the father, and not the mother, who is balking so much at going ahead and relinquishing parental rights.... Makes no difference... A father has every right and every loophole and is capable of creating any problem that a mother would be able to.

I know that, according to what you posted, it is like... what can it hurt... it will make things faster, it would be a good thing.. etc.... But, I just want to give a cautionary word that NONE of that is guaranteed....

Unless an open adoption with these bio parents (bio grandparents, etc.) having contact, and knowing where you live, where your child goes to school, etc... is what you really and truly want...

I am just saying... don't let the dangling possibility of, perhaps, making this so much quicker and easier sway your decision.

I do wish you all the best!!!

 

[Diva of Dragons]

Oh, also, unfortunately, they do know our last name and have phone numbers. We would be changing her first name and our phone numbers. They are NOT to know where we live. I have done my best to even keep my car from being known to them, though I have no way knowing if they have figured that out.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

I would not be thinking of using an open adoption (open permanency plan ???) as a way to shorten the process. Not at all... The fact that you are offering adoption should be enough.... period... I would not let 'open' be forced into the picture unless I KNEW, 100%, that this was what you and your DH truly want. I would be very hesitant to let somebody who has an agenda wave this possibility (yes it is only a possibility) that this will make the process just so much quicker and easier, cloud my judgement.

The open adoption thing was totally our idea. We have discussed it for a while. It never even occurred to me that it would affect how the case played out, once parental rights are terminated. I was talking to the social worker about the fact that I was concerned about the bio mother and what would happen to her. I said that I couldn't see not at least letting her know how the child is doing, which opened the conversation. She was very surprised and we talked a long time about it and all of my reasons for being open to it. Only then, did she tell me how it might positively affect the case.

And, as far as the child's best interests.... I, honestly, can see no way that subjecting them to command performances with a virtual stranger, once a year... And having to deal with the very touchy and confusing and emotional realities that this will undoubtedly bring forth... can be a good thing.

A child should never have to go thru anything to serve the adult's needs.... How is hearing, from a virtual stranger, "OHhhh, you're my B-A-B-Y!!!!! I love you!!!!" .... the tears, or any other emotional eventuality.. be good for a child....

"Little one" is just over 2.5 and still has visitation with each of them once a week. So, they are not strangers to her at all. She is very verbal, and aware, so does have some attachment to them.....As for the "Ooooh you're my baby" stuff...LOL!! I see that with other bio parents, at the visitation center. OMG, if hers were like that I would have to think more than twice! But they are never like that. They act very casually around her. The mom has almost no range of displayed emotion, like a gentle child. The father is more affectionate, but if "little one" does not welcome it, I always make him back off. I'm ALL about personal boundaries, so the rules would be strict. And, if, at any time, when "little one" is older, she does not want contact, we would honor that an be sure that stipulation is in the original agreement.

It seems to me that this is making requirements of a child to meet the adult's needs/wishes...

Also, you say that it seems to be the father, and not the mother, who is balking so much at going ahead and relinquishing parental rights.... Makes no difference... A father has every right and every loophole and is capable of creating any problem that a mother would be able to.

No matter what goes into the "permanency plan", the parents have no say here. It's not about them relinquishing. The court will decide whether their rights are terminated.

I know that, according to what you posted, it is like... what can it hurt... it will make things faster, it would be a good thing.. etc.... But, I just want to give a cautionary word that NONE of that is guaranteed....

Unless an open adoption with these parents (grandparents) etc.... having contact, and knowing where you live, where your child goes to school, etc... is what you really want...

I posted a little update after the other post. NO, they will not have access to our daily lives, including even the city we live in. We probably wouldn't even allow them to send to us, even we got a PO Box in a nearby area.

I am just saying... don't let the dangling possibility of, perhaps, making this so much quicker and easier sway your decision.

I do wish you all the best!!!

Thank you! I totally understand all of the concerns. The only affect our willingness to be somewhat open will have is on what happens after the rights are terminated. Meaning, that the parents and their attorneys might agree to some form of open, rather than drag all of us, especially "little one", through ages of appealing the termination of rights.

Also, we aren't set on this yet. That's why I have put the feelers out to get feedback. We have about 6 weeks to decide in time to include it in the next court report. We will be meeting with an agency that facilitates these kinds of negotiations to gt more info too. Our only concern is "little one's" well being. Thanks again!

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

My son's adoption is open, although in some ways it's atypical. Opening it was one of the best decision I've made, and I have a lot of regret about not doing it sooner.

I don't really want to go into a lot of detail in a public forum like this, but feel free to PM me. However, we're having some computer issues, so if it takes a while, don't take it personally.

Good luck in the adoption journey!

 

[ZachnElli]

We have friends who have an open adoption. Their birth mom was only 14 when she gave birth and was in foster care herself. The baby did go home with her initially and the foster mom made sure she knew she(the 14 year old) was the baby's mom. It helped her make the decision to give the baby up. Our friends say the visitations are strange because she is so young and it's like their son has a big sister they see every 6 months. They keep more intouch with the birth mom's foster mom, since she's the adult! Our friends say she'll pick him up and say he's so cute, but then get a text or phone call and down he goes so she can get it. This might change as she gets older, but for now she only seems interested in him like he's a sibling, not her son.

 

[angwill]

To the OP I think it is wonderful that you are taking into consideration the birth mothers feelings especially since she is mentally challenged. I don't think many people would take into consideration how this would effect her nor would they care. It is not like she has the capability to put the babies needs before her own and refuses to as you see a lot in foster care situations.

I think as long as you are doing things the way are comfortable for your family and will always put the childs best interest first it will all work out for the best no matter what you eventually decide.

In the end it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about the situation it is your family and child that matter.