Only golfers will understand

[Bob Slydell]

Most of these will make little to no sense to a non-golfer...

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are
spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of
golf. You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"

Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered"

------------------------------------------------------


A young Catholic man and a Lutheran pastor are playing
golf together. At a short par-3 the pastor asks, "
What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, Pastor. How about
you?"

The pastor says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and
pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the
green.

The pastor tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a
few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, Pastor,
but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

-----------------------------------------------------

Mulligan: An American went to Scotland and played golf
with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad
tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an
extremely good one. He then asked the Scot, "What do
you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"

We call it hitting 3."

----------------------------------------------------

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman
holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective! asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf
club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the
club, and puts her,hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just
put me down for a five"

----------------------------------------------------------------


A golfer gets up his ball on the first tee, took a
mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees
he thought he could hit through. Taking out his
3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a
tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed
him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw
him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer",to which
the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

----------------------------------------------------------------


The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the
altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag
and clubs at his side.

She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't
going to take all day, is it?"

 

[bananiem]

 

[BuckNaked]

I just e-mailed them to my husband.

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

I sent these off to friends. Good stuf!

 

[mrsv98]

These jokes prove comedy doesn't have to be about sex, swearing or bodily functions to be very funny! And I am not even a golfer!

 

[shrubber]

The Best Golf Joke Ever

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began
His round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when
his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a
Terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the
he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He
decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a
personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and
beating his previous best game by more than 10. H e was jubilant...
Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the
corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
Your round of golf didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past
four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been
languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished
that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the
rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her
care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor snickered and said, "Just F------g with you. She's dead.
What'd you shoot?"

 

[billythefish]

I like those. Here's my all time favourite golf joke.

A guy goes on a 5 star golf trip to S. Africa. He turns up to tee off on the first day to find he even has his own caddy. He tees off and hits it just into the light rough. While standing over his second shot, a lion comes flyimg straight at him from behind a bush. In a flash, his caddy pulls a rifle from his golf bag and shoots the lion in mid air as it leaps toward the golfer.
"Wow", says the guy, "you saved my life".
"Not a problem sir." Says the caddy.

He finishes the hole and tees off on the second. He's a bit shaken after the lion attack and hooks it just into the trees. He finds it ok and has a decent lie. As he goes to take the shot, a cobra rears up in front of him, ready to strike. The caddy pulls the rifle again and shoots it's head clean off.
"Whoa, thanks again." He says.
"All part of the service sir."

By the time he gets to the third tee, he's feeling pretty good and hits one straight down the middle. As he goes to take his second. a rhino comes running straight at him from about a hundred yards away. He doesn't move, just waits for the caddy to do his stuff. But the caddy does nothing and the rhino charges him, throwing him about thirty yards up the fairway, breaking his neck, back and several other bones. He opens his eyes and sees his caddy standing over him. With his dying breath, he says,

"Why didn't you do anything?"

The caddy replies......


"I'm sorry sir, you don't get a shot on this hole."

 

[TennVolTony]

Those are all funny..

 

[wvrevy]

My two favorite golf jokes (and a list that I always laugh at)
--------------

Jim was sitting in the 19th hole one day looking kinda depressed. The bartender walked up to him and said," What is wrong Jim you look kinda down?"

"Well", Jim replied, "My golfing buddy for 40 years, Bob, had a heart attack on the 16th green today."

"Oh that must have been real hard on you, Jim", the bartender replied.

"Sure was", said Jim,'"All day long It was hit the ball, drag Bob, hit the ball, drag Bob."

------------

Joe and Phil decide to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

Phil asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?"

Phil just shakes his head again and says, "Small world."

----------------------------------------------------------------

The True Rules Of Golf

* The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
* If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
* Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
* When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
* Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
* No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse
* Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
* When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
* Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
* If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
* The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
* The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
* If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
* It's not a gimme if you're still away.
* Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
* A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
* It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
* Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
* Non chalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
* The shortest distance beween any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
* There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
* You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
* Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
* If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
* To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph.
* There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
* Hazards attract. Fairways repel.
* You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
* A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
* If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in the bunker
* If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
* Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

 

[shrubber]

Seve Ballestero when asked to describe his four-putt at Augusta's No. 16 in 1988:
"I miss. I miss. I miss. I make."

 

[DVCLiz]

Oh, these are all the best, and they remind me so much of my stepfather, who was an avid golfer.

"Hit the ball, drag Bob" is one of the best jokes ever, period.

 

[Credit Man]

These are all great.

 

[DJR]

OMG, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time!

 

[golfgal]

----------------------------------------------------------------

The True Rules Of Golf

* The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
* If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
* Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
* When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
* Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
* No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse
* Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
* When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
* Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
* If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
* The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
* The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
* If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
* It's not a gimme if you're still away.
* Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
* A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
* It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
* Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
* Non chalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
* The shortest distance beween any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
* There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
* You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
* Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
* If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
* To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph.
* There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
* Hazards attract. Fairways repel.
* You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
* A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
* If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in the bunker
* If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
* Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

These are SO TRUE. I know several people that could learn from these rules!!!

 

[Golf4food]

Only a golfer could look outside after a nuclear holocaust and say, "You know, it really isn't that bad..."

 

[Bob Slydell]

Only a golfer could look outside after a nuclear holocaust and say, "You know, it really isn't that bad..."

Followed up by, "I think we'll be able to squeeze in 9 holes once the fallout clears."

 

[BillSears]

I'm not a golder but I always like this one...


A man stranded on a tropical island is amazed to see a gorgeous female scuba diver walking out of the water in a very low-cut wet suit. He runs to greet her and tells her he hasn't seen another human in five years.

"Sounds like you could use a drink," she says as she unzips one of her pockets and offers the man a flask of 12 year old Scotch.

"That's the best drink I've ever had!" he exclaims.

"Would you like a smoke?" she asks as she unzips another pocket on her suit and offers the man a Cuban cigar.

"This must be the best cigar in the world!" he shouts as he blows smoke rings in the air.

As she begins to unzip the front of her wet suit, she asks with a wry smile, "Would you like to play around?"

"Wow, you got golf clubs in there, too!??"