? on teen dating rules/my sons first gf

[Tiggeroo]

My 15yo son has his first real girlfriend. His sister was a bit older and more responsible when this happened. I grew up in a home with no rules and feel a bit lost about what limits I should set. Since I grew up with no rules and this was a bad experience I am inclined to be overly strict. I always try to compensate for this. The issue is him wanting to go over his girlfriends home. I don't know her family and don't really know her. I have let him go over a couple of times after confirming that the mother was home. But i don't know that she checks on them. This girl is from a home that is a bit more permissive then ours. She has been to a family function at Christmas time, where the spent most of the time on the porch by themselves. My son is a good kid and has had the standard talks but he is still a teen boy and the girl is gorgeous and wears skirts I wouldn't let my dd wear. I want to come up with a set of reasonable limits, while giving him a chance to be a teen. Any thoughts other then my lock them in a closet til they are 30. By the way he has a twin brother who has a few girls who like him too. Aack help.

 

[Liz]

I have a 15 yr. old DS too. You have my sympathy ! Our rules are he can't date until he's 16 and even then its encouraged to group date so its not just one couple. Its sort of a community standard rule around here with many parents so it makes it easier that its not just us.

Could you try to encourage the young lady to come to your house where you can supervise instead of your son going to hers? That would make me nervous! Like you said even good kids can get into trouble!

Good luck!

 

[daughter_of_amid_chaos]

I couldn't date until I was 16 and then once I got my 1st boyfriend, the rules changed based on him. He was older by 3 years so my mom had to meet him before i could drive in his truck. Then he lived 45 mins away so we couldn't leave my town for the first few months. My curfew was 10 but we could hang at my house after 10 and I had to have my cell with me and on at all times.

 

[bsnyder]

My younger DS has had the same girlfriend (off and on) since 8th grade. They are now juniors in high school. This school year, the relationship has gotten very serious, and they spend a lot of time together.

But I know the girl's parents very well (grew up with the mom) and we talk on the phone constantly, keeping tabs on them. They are not allowed to be at our house or her house, if no one else is home.

His older brother didn't have a girlfriend, or really even go out on one-on-one dates until he was a senior in high school, so I never really worried about his relationships. He's in college now, and I figure I've done all I can do.

 

[Keli]

Personally I think 15 is a bit young for dating too. I would probably only let them go out in supervised group settings. I would also only allow them to be together at my home where I could keep an eye on things if I felt the other parents might permit more than I would. You can always loosen up the rules later but it's really hard to tighten them up.
I have found these types of decisions really hard to make. I'm a big softie and I have a hard time telling anyone no, especially my beloved dd. Thankfully I have a tough dh that doesn't mind saying no whenever the situation warrents so he helps me be strong.

 

[Ranatra]

Neither of my boys dated at 15.
The older one didn't date until his senior year, and my other son didn't date until college. They were both over 18 at the time, so I didn't have certain issues to deal with.

GOOD LUCK!!!!

 

[Gail T AGAIN]

I was lucky, my son never wanted to have a steady GF at 15 or even 18 for that fact after seeing the bad marriage his parents had. MY parents had real hard rules, just like in the 1930s like they had with their parents. Well I got married just to get out of there house, didm't even now what love was at 19, got married at 24 and had my son who i wouldnt trade for the world, that was my way of finding love after getting myself in a trap. My son is now 20 and has had a few steady GFs but nothing that would become a torid love affair. he is now seeing a girl he met in coollege, she is from Long Island, they like each other, who knows. he is bring her home for me to meet her, I have talked to her over the phone. I am scared, is there anyone capable of having my son. I'm sure there is, I just have to learn to accept and let go a bit.

 

[popeyeohoh]

Any experienced moms i would also appreciate some input. Have only seen what too lenient parents are doing. I can certainately see what not to do but have a hard time what is a good and proper way to handle teen issues.

 

[Dan Murphy]

At that age we always had a line of communications open with the parent's of the friends. We verified who was going to be where, when and with whom. Caller ID and cell phones helped much. And we did require calls from land line phones at certain times.

 

[Saphire]

Hi Tiggeroo,
I agree with others here that the best kind of dating at this age is in groups. I don't think much good comes from spending time alone in a home, and cars are even worse. Anyway, I would discourage spending time at the girlfriends home if you don't know the parents well and have concerns about their permissiveness. At 15 you should still have some say in how and where they spend their time. Have her to your house instead, and keep all doors open.
Best Wishes

 

[4greatboys]

Tiggeroo--same thing here. I had little no boundries when I was a teen. My oldest is 15 and now is interested in a girl--who likes him too. No "dating" yet but I think I will let him go to her parents house--when they are home and she can visit us when we are home but not much else til 16. Then I think it will still be limited. My ds is a great kid and doesnt get into any trouble but kids still need very clear boundries.
Great idea Dan with the land based phone calls. I prob would have taken cell phone calls but now I will also require a few land based calls.

 

[Pam]

My 17 yr. old DD began "going out" with her BF when she was 15, he was 16.5 yrs. old. We did not permit her to date - she met him once at the movie theater, but usually he came over to our house or we would drive her over to his house. There were always (still is!) parents at either of the houses. We would also drive them to the movies, etc. BF handled this very well, he has his own car and driver's license but would ride with us.

We allowed them to go to the Prom together when he was 17 and she was 15.5 yrs. old, they had a time frame of when they had better be back at our house when the after-prom bus arrived back at the school. Shortly before she turned 16, we eased up on the rules and allowed her to go on some car dates with him. DD now has her own car and driver's license. She has a 9:30 pm curfew on school nights and an 11:00 pm one on the weekends, although she's usually home by 10:30 at the latest. Both have jobs and he's now in college, so they don't keep late hours.

And yes, we do a lot of phone checking, both land line and cell!

Pam

 

[Tiggeroo]

You can't believe how much I am stressing over this. After talking to son and his gf's mom I do think the supervision is ok at her house. So tentative rules are, occasional visits at her house (but not much more then 2hrs at a time), visits to our house, group things when I verify an adult present or group trips to movies bowling mall etc..., doubling with 18yo sister and her bf and we'll play it by ear. When it will get really tricky is in the summer. Between him with the girls, other son who is a bit shy, and older dd who is now driving all over the place I constantly seem to be worrying. Give me the terrible two's even with twins any day.