Oh man! The inlaws may move in!

[kaabost]

You've gotten some great advice. Good luck! It's a tough spot to be in.

P.S.- You could always tell them you've taken up a new instrument, like a tuba or something. LOL.

Well, I do have 3 birds, two of whom are loud and one who is VERY loud. (see my siggy. (I just got the 3rd bird and need to put her picture up))They're almost enough to run DH out sometimes. Hmmm, I wonder if they have considered that.
I have received a lot of great advice here. You guys are great!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Here is what we did with my MIL. DH's brother took responsibility.
She sold her house, gave the money to my BIL and then he used that for a condo for her. She pays rent to BIL out of her government check.

BIL watches out for MIL and is her landlord. It has been a great solution for us.

My parents live in an apartment. Long story, they are spend-a-holics. Lived with my sister for almost 2 years while they got out of debt.

 

[Beth76]

"Please don't put me in a nursing home, we want to live with you when you grow up."

This is sooooooooooo not someone you want to live with. Are their only choices between your house and a nursing home? Why can't they live on their own? My grandfather lived on his own until he was 88 years old.

As for her getting bent out of shape about the ground rules, I guess that will be an easy way out then. Have that meeting and she will storm out and you will be left with--"This clearly is not going to work out."

This is exactly what I thought when I read your post earlier. If she won't even sit down and listen, then the whole topic ends right there.

 

[MoniqueU]

My mom lives with us. Partially because I am the mother of 3 kids ages 8,9 and 13 and lost my drivers license to a horrible eye disease and partially because she is on social security and the cost of living here in Southern California is insane. I wouldnt have it any other way. I don't think she gets on my husbands nerves too much either, he works alot and knows how much she is saving us in nanny fees. However if the tables were turned I don't think i could take a week with my MIL, she just isn't as easy going as my mom. And doesnt believe in down time, she has to be constantly doing something to the point she is almost manic.

So I guess my advice is make sure they have their own tv with tivo and good luck.

 

[Luv'sTink]

WOW! You are in a pickle! Good luck? geez seems pretty lame thing to say.

 

[minkydog]

You are right. I guess I'm trying to put of the inevidible. DH and I have a healthy relationship but are still a young couple. It sounds weak to say that a MIL could cause huge problems between us but I can see that as a great possibility. Sometimes when we go to visit, we end up leaving early with DH mad and myself irritated. After bad visits, it's not uncommon for us to get into a stupid little spat (which is quickly resolved) just because of all of the events of the day. DH and I still have a lot of talking to do with each other and with them. Hopefully, we can come to an agreement emotionally and financially to get them in a place NEAR us but not WITH us. I feel so sorry for DH being put between a rock and a hard place. His mother has pleaded with him since he was a little boy "Please don't put me in a nursing home, we want to live with you when you grow up." Needless to say, he has worried about this his whole life. And, I knew what I was getting into when I married him.

I don't think this is at all a weak or frivolous statement--it is absolutely the truth. Even the most mature, robust marriages can get rocky with the insertion of a bossy MIL. Personally, I could never live with my mother or MIL. My mother is depressed,manic,overly emotional and thinks I can't do anything right. MIL is an alcoholic. I love them,but either one of these women would put us over the edge and we've been happily married for 25yrs!

If the parents really cannot live in their home anymore, then look into senior housing. Leave no stone unturned. Do not--REPEAT,DO NOT take the in-laws into your home unless you have exhausted every other possibility. As in living in your house or under a bridge. Really. Two women can rarely live contentedly in the same home.

 

[Piglet4Ever]

My DH's brother just had his MIL move in a few weeks ago and lets just say it isn't going very well already!! DH and I both agree that BIL lost his mind when he agreed to letting her move in, we do feel sorry for him. He and my FIL are building her a little apartment in the basement of the house, so maybe once that is finished things might get better, but we don't think so. I can only wish you good luck if your in-laws move in!!

 

[DISUNC]

Start Hording

;

;

and

NOW!

 

[Quinn222]

Do not take any money for the house from them! If you do it will no longer be your house. I'd be willing to bet you'll feel as though you are living in their house and they'll make you feel that way. Even if only because that's what they're used to. They are the parents and their money went into the house etc. etc. If there is any way out of it get out of it. Get a two family house or a house with an apartment if you can't. If there is a detatched garage have it renovated into an apartment and park outside. Anything to keep your space yours.

 

[YachtClubWoman]

My MIL lived with us for 3 yrs - it was the worst time. She moved in due to financial issues and the more she was around the more ticked off I became.

our relationship will never be what is was prior to her moving in and my husband and I argued about her and stupid things she did.

I was under a lot of stress at the time - undergoing IVF and in graduate school. It was not pretty - please research all possibilties.

 

[debden]

I agree with the other poster who said 'find senior housing' and another poster who said 'don't do it'....It's all good advice.
Good Luck whatever you decide.
Debbie

 

[tar heel]

If they are physically able to take care of themselves I would not let this happen. If you have friction just on a visit, think of how this will be. Do you want to dread coming home to your own house? Unless they can't care for themselves, you must nip this in the bud now. If it causes hurt feelings, that's better than years of discomfort for everyone. If they do need your help with care, then get a house with quarters including a kitchen for them. You could be talking about DECADES here.

My mother has been living with us for six weeks. This was totally unexpected as my dad had a heart attack then a severe complication and has been in the hospital 20 miles from us. They live 150 miles from the hospital plus my mom refuses to drive in the city. There has been absolutely no friction between us and she has gone out of her way to try to be helpful and to stay out of our hair. I still feel totally claustrophobic and have been getting up early just to have some time alone. It takes a huge amount of energy to have an extra person in the house and there's a certain unreality to it. My DH and I have not had a fight in six weeks, for example.

 

[annegal]

If they are in their 60's, they could live another 20-25 years. Do you really want to spend that many years living with them? I'd get them a smaller home/patio home nearby , if distance is the issue, where you can check on them daily.

No way would I live with elderly parents.

 

[Duckfan-in-Chicago]

I would wake up in a cold sweat every morning, only to realize my nightmares have become my happy place. And I get along with my inlaws.

 

[debden]

I would wake up in a cold sweat every morning, only to realize my nightmares have become my happy place. And I get along with my inlaws.

Just another good reason to say an emphatic 'NO'

 

[delilah]

Do not take any money for the house from them! If you do it will no longer be your house. I'd be willing to bet you'll feel as though you are living in their house and they'll make you feel that way. Even if only because that's what they're used to. They are the parents and their money went into the house etc. etc. If there is any way out of it get out of it. Get a two family house or a house with an apartment if you can't. If there is a detatched garage have it renovated into an apartment and park outside. Anything to keep your space yours.

I definitely agree with this advice. My father lent us some money for our first house, which we repaid. And still he thought it was "his house". He wanted to move into it when my sister was in college, along with my mom and sister. It was a two bedroom house. I don't know where he thought everybody was going to sleep.

 

[Disney Doll]

Use your own money to buy your house. You already know that your MIL is the "hang it over your head" type, so why give her the ammunition to do so?

Have the conversation about everyone's expectations. If your MIL becomes upset by it, that only gives you good proof that the arrangement won't work. Very simple, "Mom, if you can't even talk calmly about it, how are you ever going to live it every day?"

Have a separate space for them. If you can't afford a 2 family or an in-law set-up, then don't do it.

Look in to senior housing in your area.

 

[cristbaby]

Well you could buy a really small house with just one bathroom.
Tell the inlaws it's all you can afford right now and that you wish you could have bought a bigger one but just not the right time.

We did buy a small house with one bathroom (all we could afford). We had 2 DD's that had to share a bedroom (couldn't add on as we were saving for college). Not enough room for the parents to move in, not enough room for the in-laws to move in, children are grown and moved out and now we have a small house that is paid for that is just the right size of semi-retired hubby and I.