Oh man! The inlaws may move in!

[kaabost]

There are too many details to this story to include here so I'll just give you a brief rundown. FIL has been in and out of the hospital recently but has recently become a medical marvel. He is a wonderful man but can not go back to work due to his medical issues. MIL is a wonderful woman 50% of the time but pretty difficult the other 50% of the time. DH and I are about to buy our first house. While FIL was in the hospital and everyone was freaking out, we offered our future home to them to live in with us if needed. DH is an only child and his parents are currently reliant upon social security which won't support thier current lifesytle for long. They had been pretty opposed to moving for various reasons until now. Now they are thinking that they may want to move in. Well, we offered it to them several months ago. Now, I'm freaking out! FIL is no problem but MIL has the ability to get DH mad and upset in about 2 seconds (he can't ever do anything good enough). Plus, MIL has always run an absolute matriarchy and is not used to living in a home owned and run by someone else. I'm concerned that MIL moving into our FIRST home is going to cause all sorts of trouble. Why did I/we open my/our big mouth/s??????????????????????? There's going to be a huge conflict no matter what happens!

 

[pearlieq]

Oh man, indeed!

No advice, but Godspeed!

 

[Jeanny]

good luck

 

[Michie]

 

[Blondy876]

Make sure you buy a house with an inlaw suite and a locking bedroom door. God bless.

 

[luvwinnie]

As someone who has a parent living with them here is my advice: IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, get a 2 family or at least a mother/daughter style home.

 

[ChristmasElf]

Well you could buy a really small house with just one bathroom.
Tell the inlaws it's all you can afford right now and that you wish you could have bought a bigger one but just not the right time.

 

[poohandwendy]

The only advice I would give is to sit them down and talk about ground rules (may want to use another word, depending on their personalities, LOL).

I think what I would do is make a list of things that could be an issue and sit them down and say, "Anytime two families live together, there are bound to be issues and conflicts that come up along the way, even under the best circumstances. We really want to talk about what your expectations are, what our expectations are and hash out different ideas about how things can run as smoothly as possible. We just do not want hurt feelings and misunderstandings to get in the way of our relationships"

If they balk at even the suggestion that it won't go as smoothly in reality as in theory, you may want to think long and hard about moving them in, becase they would be starting off with unrealistic expectations and that could end up being a nightmare after they are in and settled. Much easier to say no now than to change things when they are under your roof and cannot leave without major hardship.

Something along those lines. I really, really think this sort of thing is not one that should just be approached with no game plan. I think what happens is people just 'assume' that their way should be ok with the other people and then you have all sorts of problems.

I just would not leave it up to chance. Get things hashed out now and then you all have a better idea of what you are getting into. If you cannot discuss these issues without conflict now, before they are in your home, then you may want to rethink the strategy and come with an alternative plan. Just a discussion about it may reveal that you are not suited to live together. Sometimes poeple just cannot live harmoniously under one roof and a new plan needs to be formulated. Even if that means helping them in other ways, like financially or whatever.

I wish you luck, this is a tough situation that MANY people end up facing when their parents become elderly.

IOW, take control of the situation now before your MIL decides she is in charge when she moves in, LOL.

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

I agree with the in-law suite, or the mother/daughter or 2 family houses if possible.

It's difficult for adult children and their parents to be living together under the same roof. But sometimes necessity doesn't give much of an option. So if they have their own bathroom/bedroom and kitchen or section of the house, this might ease some issues.

 

[PaulaSue]

Good Luck for You and DH!!!

I can't imagine living with My Parnets or DH's

 

[momrek06]

OP: Where are the in-laws living now? What I am saying is make sure they KEEP their current residence and in case things do not work out and personalities start to get in the way with all four adults living under one roof...then the in-laws can go back home.

I love my in-laws that being said years ago we all went on vacation for one week to Cape Cod with them....let me say that vacation was SIX days TOO LONG!!!!

We still get along famously but we just cannot spend night and day with them 24/7!

 

[kaabost]

Thanks for the advice! It may just be that I am freaked out right now thinking about the situation but I honestly don't see how this can work out well. MIL will probably get mad with the "ground rules" talk and voice expectations the DH and I will find unreasonable (and vice versa), DH will end up getting really mad at DMIL and DMIL will get mad at us, and that will be it. I don't know.
The tentative suggestion that she has had would be that they would sell their house and give us that money to put into the new house. That sounds very nice and I really do think the intention is nice. However, many things that MIL has given to DH in the past has been held over his head and used as guilt power. I have told DH that if we are all going to live under the same roof, I want to buy the house that we can afford and that we buy on our own so that there won't be any grey area as to who's house it is. Besides, I don't think that they have a whole lot of equity in their current house to begin with as they have only lived there about 4-5 years (DH moved from house to house within the same town 14 times before he graduated from highschool--she likes to upgrade.) The point is, a bigger house would be better with more people but I'm not so sure that there would be enough money to work with to get a much larger house. Does that make sense?

 

[kaabost]

OP: Where are the in-laws living now? What I am saying is make sure they KEEP their current residence and in case things do not work out and personalities start to get in the way with all four adults living under one roof...then the in-laws can go back home.

I love my in-laws that being said years ago we all went on vacation for one week to Cape Cod with them....let me say that vacation was SIX days TOO LONG!!!!

We still get along famously but we just cannot spend night and day with them 24/7!

They live about 2 hours away. So maybe we should tell them not to sell their house right away, move a few things in, and have a month long trial run. Now that may be a good idea. Thanks!

 

[poohandwendy]

Thanks for the advice! It may just be that I am freaked out right now thinking about the situation but I honestly don't see how this can work out well. MIL will probably get mad with the "ground rules" talk and voice expectations the DH and I will find unreasonable (and vice versa), DH will end up getting really mad at DMIL and DMIL will get mad at us, and that will be it. I don't know.
The tentative suggestion that she has had would be that they would sell their house and give us that money to put into the new house. That sounds very nice and I really do think the intention is nice. However, many things that MIL has given to DH in the past has been held over his head and used as guilt power. I have told DH that if we are all going to live under the same roof, I want to buy the house that we can afford and that we buy on our own so that there won't be any grey area as to who's house it is. Besides, I don't think that they have a whole lot of equity in their current house to begin with as they have only lived there about 4-5 years (DH moved from house to house within the same town 14 times before he graduated from highschool--she likes to upgrade.) The point is, a bigger house would be better with more people but I'm not so sure that there would be enough money to work with to get a much larger house. Does that make sense?

yes, I do understand what you are saying. But, honestly...if you cannot talk about these things with them now, you are going to be getting into something that is REALLY hard to get out of and it will be very hard to discuss things later when you are majorly upset. It may cause hurt feelings to say no...but imagine how it could really cause MAJOR problems if they move in. I think it's a bum deal either way, but you and your DH have to decide what you will sacrifice. Also, this sort of thing can really put a strain on even the most healthy, strong marital relationship. Just food for thought.

I feel for you, this is a bad spot to be in.

 

[palmtreegirl]

I wouldn't do it. How about an apartment or condo near by so you can check in on them but they'll still have their own place?

 

[*Fantasia*]

If your MIL can't understand the ground rules and will not accept and make fuss about it.. then tell her "It's our way or no way."

Your MIL has to respect you and your husband. They have to respect that it isn't their house and you are being nice enough to take them in, but under your condition.

Your MIL has to has to do better, she should be greatful to have you as a DIL. Good luck.

 

[kaabost]

yes, I do understand what you are saying. But, honestly...if you cannot talk about these things with them now, you are going to be getting into something that is REALLY hard to get out of and it will be very hard to discuss things later when you are majorly upset. It may cause hurt feelings to say no...but imagine how it could really cause MAJOR problems if they move in. I think it's a bum deal either way, but you and your DH have to decide what you will sacrifice. Also, this sort of thing can really put a strain on even the most healthy, strong marital relationship. Just food for thought.

I feel for you, this is a bad spot to be in.

You are right. I guess I'm trying to put of the inevidible. DH and I have a healthy relationship but are still a young couple. It sounds weak to say that a MIL could cause huge problems between us but I can see that as a great possibility. Sometimes when we go to visit, we end up leaving early with DH mad and myself irritated. After bad visits, it's not uncommon for us to get into a stupid little spat (which is quickly resolved) just because of all of the events of the day. DH and I still have a lot of talking to do with each other and with them. Hopefully, we can come to an agreement emotionally and financially to get them in a place NEAR us but not WITH us. I feel so sorry for DH being put between a rock and a hard place. His mother has pleaded with him since he was a little boy "Please don't put me in a nursing home, we want to live with you when you grow up." Needless to say, he has worried about this his whole life. And, I knew what I was getting into when I married him.

 

[kaabost]

If your MIL can't understand the ground rules and will not accept and make fuss about it.. then tell her "It's our way or no way."

Your MIL has to respect you and your husband. They have to respect that it isn't their house and you are being nice enough to take them in, but under your condition.

Your MIL has to has to do better, she should be greatful to have you as a DIL. Good luck.

Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[disneymom3]

Thanks for the advice! It may just be that I am freaked out right now thinking about the situation but I honestly don't see how this can work out well. MIL will probably get mad with the "ground rules" talk and voice expectations the DH and I will find unreasonable (and vice versa), DH will end up getting really mad at DMIL and DMIL will get mad at us, and that will be it. I don't know.
The tentative suggestion that she has had would be that they would sell their house and give us that money to put into the new house. That sounds very nice and I really do think the intention is nice. However, many things that MIL has given to DH in the past has been held over his head and used as guilt power. I have told DH that if we are all going to live under the same roof, I want to buy the house that we can afford and that we buy on our own so that there won't be any grey area as to who's house it is. Besides, I don't think that they have a whole lot of equity in their current house to begin with as they have only lived there about 4-5 years (DH moved from house to house within the same town 14 times before he graduated from highschool--she likes to upgrade.) The point is, a bigger house would be better with more people but I'm not so sure that there would be enough money to work with to get a much larger house. Does that make sense?

I think you are VERY right to only use your money. Anything else is just asking for trouble! Do NOT back down on that point.

As for her getting bent out of shape about the ground rules, I guess that will be an easy way out then. Have that meeting and she will storm out and you will be left with--"This clearly is not going to work out."

I also think the only way it's possible is if they have their own separate area of the house. My sis moved my mom into her house for a time and I tell you the smartest thing she did was move mom's TV and easy chair into her bedroom there. (It was a big room.) That way her DH did not have to listen to all the shows mom wanted to watch instead of being able to sit and relax in peace with a beer and watch the news. My mom was a total angel, never caused any waves and was the least complaining person you could ever meet, but they all still needed their own space. EVeryone was too used to doing things their own way.

 

[OceanAnnie]

You've gotten some great advice. Good luck! It's a tough spot to be in.

P.S.- You could always tell them you've taken up a new instrument, like a tuba or something. LOL.