oh boy...what would you do/say?**NEW INFO**

[phorsenuf]

OK, here's the story (long, so you can bail here if you want. Sorry Pop Daddy!)
My DS-19 has been dating this girl for over a year now. She comes from a VERY wealthy family. My son went to Missouri to train to be an MP and was to be gone for 17 weeks. He did have to come home for his Grandfathers funeral (home for 36 hours). During that time she stuck to him like glue. She would not let us have any time alone with him or as a family. Everytime I went to him to talk or comfort him, she was right there. It really bugged me, but I let it go.
Fast forward to Military graduation. We plan to drive from NH to MO via VA (had to pick up DH who is working there). My DS informs us the girlfriend is coming too only she will fly in because she needs to get right back for school. He then proceeds to tell us she will need to be picked up at the airport and could we please do that for him. We really didn't want to as it was more than 4 hours out of our way and we then had to time our drive to coincide with her flight. OK, we get her, la dee daa, we go on. Same thing. Can't have any time with him. She's stuck to him like glue. We felt like little puppy dogs following them around everywhere we went. OK, so then DS gets delayed on leaving, she decides to change her flight and stay another day. DH asks if she can afford to do that what with the flight change penalty and extra room charge. She says yes. OK, now another 4 hours to bring her back to the airport to fly home.
Where is this leading you ask???
She never said thank you to us, she never even said goodbye. We ended up paying for all her meals AND I got stuck paying for her hotel room. So now I am very unhappy with her. DS is mad at me beacsue I am upset with her (he doesn't know why at this point). After we get home we have a huge family gathering. He asks if GF can come and I snap as long as she doesn't monoplize you. He got mad blah blah blah. Yep, same thing, spent no time with the family. So, I finally get a chance to explain everything to him and he says he'll talk to her about the room and such. He spent all weekend with her and in fact she ate dinner here last night. She left (no thank you for dinner or goodbyes). I ask my son this morning if he spoke to her and he said yes, "a few days ago"! So she has been here KNOWING and still never said a word. She didn't even tell my DS she was going to pay us back or even ask how much the room was. This whole trip was extended by a week so I had already dipped into my DVC downpayment fund to pay the extra expenses and hers.
So...after all this rambling, what would you do???




********NEW INFO********

So my DS asks the GF again about repaying us (on his own, I said nothing more). She says "Well I never said I wanted my own room." HUH??? Where exactly were you going to sleep??? She was never invited by us, she chose on her own to go. We didn't even know she was going until my DS asked us to pick her up at the airport. There were already 4 of us in the room....I was very confused about that remark. So I tell my son (after picking my jaw up off the floor) The only time room sharing came up was when my MIL thought she may going and perhaps she and GF could split the cost. So DS again talks to GF and she said she never had a deal made with my MIL, BUT if we really wanted the money, she would pay us. I'm just flabergasted!!! I told my son forget it, just drop the whole thing, I don't want anything.
Can you believe that. She was actually arguing about it. Where did she think she was going to sleep. What if something had happened and my family couldn't make it, was she planning to sleep in the streets??? I'm sorry, but this just blows my mind.
Then she also has the nerve to tell my DS she doesn't want to come over anymore because she thought we were being rude to her. OK, I drive 8 hours out of my way for her, pay all her expenses, she never says thank you or goodbye and WE are being rude????? AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

OK, I feel better now that I have vented. Thank you.

P.S. I am keeping my cool with my son, he doesn't seem upset with me at all...seems like she's the one having a bit of a problem.....guilt perhaps??????

 

[CBRorBust]

The Money issue...I really don't know what to say. Perhaps if she is not willing to pay you back...maybe your DS can pay off her debt to you.

The Relationship issue...
The fact is that they are most likely in love. And that is why they want to spend every waking moment with each other regardless if it cuts into family time. Can you imagine being away from your husband that long? It would be really hard not to monopolize his time. You are a lot maturer than they are so that is why they don't see it as an issue. I know that you are not happy with your DS GF, but you really should not let him know of your irritation with his GF, because he is going to get angry. I can't explain the logic behind this, but put yourself in his shoes. The one woman whom he loves more than anything, not happy with the new woman in his life.

I'm sorry you are going through all this! Good Luck!

 

[Lucky4me]

Next time she asks for any rides, favors, etc. kindly say no. That's all you can do. Don't discourage or encourage the relationship, it will probably run out of steam on it's own when he realizes what a spoiled brat she is. Good luck, this is the REALLY hard part of being a parent!

 

[Lewski709]

Have your son repay you and then he can get it from GF...but you should not have to pay and he should be responsible and step up to the plate. If you don't want DS to pay you, drop it.

On the positive side, they are young and this relationship probably won't last. Don't expect anything from her and you won't be disappointed. On the same note, she shouldn't expect anything from you!

You don't deserve that kind of treatment and she is not worthy of your son, I am sure....but time will tell and I bet it tells they don't last.

 

[phorsenuf]

I understand them wanting to be together which is why I pretty much kept my mouth shut, but I think what really bothers me is that she doesn't seem to care he isn't spending time with the family. I can't quite explain it but to me she just needs to back off some. I could never imagine at that age going to a funeral with my BF and not letting him spend any alone time with his family, ecspecially if he was only going to be with them for 36 hours. Doesn't that seem strange?? Very controlling....(ding..light bulb moment) Great.......

DS already owes us over a grand with no intention of paying that off, so he certainly isn't going to (or is in the position to) pay it for her. Can you imagine tho her not paying us.....what kahunas!!

 

[bumcat]

I would be on my knees praying he doesn't marry someone that is so ungrateful that she cant even say thank you!

 

[Micca]

I question the "very wealthy" aspect. Most wealthy people I've met were courteous to a fault.

 

[mrsdon]

Oh boy, I feel your pain.
My DS had a GF like that and she would get angry if he came home to do chores, or spend family time, which I only expect 1 day a week. She would cry and blubber that he didnt love her and blah, blah....
I just backed off and kept my mouth shut. I let him find out in his own that she was spoiled and that family was always there for you.
She dumped him about 4 months ago and its really hard not to say I TOLD YOU SO.
I know its hard, but one day your son will come home and you will be able to enjoy him again.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Lucky4me has it right. Kindly say no from now on.

You were never "stuck" paying her bills. It sounds like you didn't speak up, maybe? I don't understand how you could pay for her hotel room?
I would have them make the reservations in their name. My name wouldn't be on their room. I don't understand that.

It really sounds like they have to be pushed into growing up. They have that sense of "you owe me attitude" perhaps? That sense of entitlement, thing?

Perhaps you could gently move them forward into a more grown up way of doing things. Like finding there own rides, booking there own hotel room, etc...

As far as them being clingy to each other, I don't find that odd at all.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

Well I would also hope that she isn't the "one". If he knows she may owe you $ and hasn't even asked you about it, perhaps he will see the light.
Now don't get uncomfortable, but when my DH was in the army and we were dating he really didn't want to be spending time with his folks either. I heard him share this with a cousin of ours when her navy husband suddenly left her "for no reason"--except that every weekend he came home she wanted him to spend the whole time with her aunts, grandmother, etc. He said "guys only think of one thing when they are in the service, lying there in their bunks, whatever, and it sure isn't spending time with Nana". So whenever he came home on leave when he was in the service we tried to have one night alone--we would tell my folks we were going to Dayton that night, but tell his parents we were coming down the next day. Of course I would like to add we were 22 years old at the time, legal and engaged. The only reason I bring it up is that perhaps your son and his gf were trying to get some "alone time".
Robin M.

 

[phorsenuf]

The picking her up at the airport thing I did as a favor to my son. Since we (the immediate family) were planning to get there before her he asked to make her a room reservation at the same time we made ours. I did and then called her to let her know they were made and how much the room was. She said "no problem" I secured them with my credit card so I ended up getting charged for them.
Even after being asked tho, she still has no intention (as of yet) to pay for the room.
I do understand the clingy part, which is why I didn't say anything until afterwards to my DS. I guess I just don't care for rude people. That's how I see it. You don't pay what you owe, you don't say thank you or goodbye. That's rude.

And BTW...I am getting blasted in a PM! LOL

 

[Evil Princess]

There is NO EXCUSE for not saying thank you. You went out of your way to provide for her.

I'm 18, and i've been with my boyfriend for three years. His parents have literally fed me at least once a week, opened up their home to me, paid for movies. After 3 years there is not one meal with his family that I do not thank them. Of course, now his mother tells me to shut up and that I am family, but still.

I can understand them wanting to spend time with one another. My boyfriend and I pretty much never leave each other's side when I come home from college either. Those weeks apart are rough. The last thing I'm thinking about when I come home from college is whether he gets family time! (then again, he lives at home, and his family IS my second family). I have an unusually close relationship with my boyfriend's family. His mother calls and writes me weekly.

 

[Judy from Boise]

My suggestion is to innocently paint a picture of the reality of an Army wife's life ( including most likely qualifying for food stamps) and watch her run !
Besides that chalk this one up to experience and never let yourself be put in the situation again. Just say no !

 

[KathyFP]

It looks like you got a lot of good advice. I want to emphasis not focusing on their relationship. When parents push (and even when they are right with the best intentions) the relationship will get stronger. Us against the world kind of attitude.

If you decide to leave the money matter go, remember to leave go of the resentments or they will eat at you.

 

[4greatboys]

Originally posted by phorsenuf
The picking her up at the airport thing I did as a favor to my son. Since we (the immediate family) were planning to get there before her he asked to make her a room reservation at the same time we made ours. I did and then called her to let her know they were made and how much the room was. She said "no problem" I secured them with my credit card so I ended up getting charged for them.
Even after being asked tho, she still has no intention (as of yet) to pay for the room.
I do understand the clingy part, which is why I didn't say anything until afterwards to my DS. I guess I just don't care for rude people. That's how I see it. You don't pay what you owe, you don't say thank you or goodbye. That's rude.

And BTW...I am getting blasted in a PM! LOL

She sounds immature, inconsiderate and rude. But I would not say anything else about it. But I would make sure I didnt do any more favors for her in the form of holding a room for her or anything else you can be charged for. Hopefully it will pass or she will mature--quickly. I have 4 boys and am dreading the day they drag home some bossy, immature girl.

As for the pm--blast them back a good one!

 

[Cruisin]

All I can say is be very careful how you treat your son and this girl. If she ends up being the girl he stays with for the rest of his life, you want to keep an at least polite relationship going amongst you. If your son really loves her, he will not see her faults. And if you point them out you might end up pushing your son away. Wives/girlfriends have a lot of hold on their men and with her influence you could lose your son.
I agree, don't let her take advantage of you financially, don't put yourself in a position of being responsible for any of her debts.

 

[Kallison]

My Mom hated my first serious relationship and rightly so, however she harped and harped, gave him the silent treatment. If she had just let it alone, I would have broken up with him a lot sooner. I was afraid to break up with him knowing how she felt and figuring I couldn't change my mind if I wanted to. I even considered moving in with him for awhile to get away from her controlling attitude. Your DS knows how you feel, and she does sound like an ungrateful brat. I would just take a step back, take a deep breath and pray like crazy they break up!! Good luck. If it gets more serious, then you can sit down and have the heart to heart do you know what you are doing......? speech.

 

[CBRorBust]

I have read this post from the very start to the very end.

To me, I honestly don't think this girl is aweful. Immature sure. But the fact that you point out that she is from a VERY WEALTHY family leads me to believe that maybe she has grown up in a home where they take for granted things that come to them. I know that you have already said that you asked for the payment of the room/food, but did you ask your son for the money or did you ask HER DIRECTLY for the money and she is not willing to pay you. If you haven't asked her directly, your son may have mentioned it really casually to her and it may have just slipped her mind. As for not saying Thank You...yes you are right...very bad manners.

However....

The fact that this girl traveled out of state to see her boyfriend graduate, and has stayed in the long distance relationship tells me that she is loyal and in love with your son. So if I were you, (I know you don't want to hear this) be grateful that this girl isn't a total B and treats him like dirt or even cheats on him! There are really ungrateful woman (and men) out there that can manipulate their other into really horrible things. But it's obvious to me that she cares for your son, and I don't blame him or her for wanting to spend all of their time together. I know my boyfriend and I are attached by the hip, so I can relate.

 

[phorsenuf]

Originally posted by CBRorBust


The fact that this girl traveled out of state to see her boyfriend graduate, and has stayed in the long distance relationship tells me that she is loyal and in love with your son. So if I were you, (I know you don't want to hear this) be grateful that this girl isn't a total B and treats him like dirt or even cheats on him! There are really ungrateful woman (and men) out there that can manipulate their other into really horrible things. But it's obvious to me that she cares for your son, and I don't blame him or her for wanting to spend all of their time together. I know my boyfriend and I are attached by the hip, so I can relate.

Well, actually, 2 days prior to graduating my son told me and was unsure of their relationship because she had been unfaithful while he was away, at least that is what he had heard. So, that doesn't help much. Things seem ok between them now, but he leaves in a week for 3 years in Germany so who knows what will happen then. I certainly will not harbor bad feelings as I am not the type too, BUT if she repeatly is rude an unthankful, then I may have to speak up. All I ask for is a little respect in my home and that includes manners. My DH said the same thing to me about DS mentioning it casually, but all the same, she was here having dinner with us last night so I would think she would have mentioned it then. Such as, "how much do I owe you", or "thanks again for everything". I didn't bring it up because he said he'd speak to her about it and I assumed he hadn't spoken to her yet.

 

[browneyes]

It sounds like she's going to be your future DIL.

I'd ask your son to reimburse you if you feel you need reimbursement. Let him know you're not made out of money.