Offering Advice - Good or Bad? (Inspired by the sad thread)

[Maleficent13]

I have a close friend who is seeing someone. They met in April, so it's been roughly 5 months now. Two months ago he proposed. They set a date for the wedding (June) and she threw herself into the planning.

Now, I do have some concerns over the timeframe. IMO, you cannot know a person well enough to know you want to marry them in three months. I know there are people out there who disagree with this, and that's fine.

My other issue is that this guy takes advantage of her (ie, she cooks and cleans his house...where she doesn't live). Brags to his friends about how she does all this stuff for him. Does nothing for her (including not even buying her a birthday present last week). He is arrogant and controlling.

Last week, she had a personal issue come up that she was frantic about. She told me about it and I asked her what boyfriend thought. She hadn't told him because: "I don't know what he'll do. He may freak and leave me!" Now, this was NOT a major issue (she didn't cheat or anything). It was a normal issue that someone whom you are marrying ought to be able to handle.

Now, the reason I am posting. Do I express my concerns to her when she asks what I think, or do I paste a fake smile on and pretend everything is hunky-dory? So far I have been non-committal in my conversations to her. I have been the only one who is so restrained. Some of her friends have expressed their concerns to her, and she is angry at them all (ie, no way they're coming to the wedding, and I think she's even stopped speaking to one of them). I don't want her to feel friendless, and that's why I haven't added my $0.02. But I have to admit, it's getting harder to hide my true feelings about this guy.

So what do you guys think? Continue the smiling silent act, or offer my opinion?

 

[Christine]

Mal,
Your questions are always so HARD!!!

Being the person I am (I have a hard time NOT being honest with my friends/family--sometimes brutally), I think I'd have to try to find the "right" moment and have a little heart-to-heart. Tell her that you will support whatever decision she makes and you are there for her, but you feel like this is not the best relationship for her, explain why, and leave it at that.

When my cousin wanted to get married at 18 and rather fast, I did tell her what I thought. She brushed me off, of course, and got married anyway. But after the divorce 7 years later, she said "how come you guys let me go through with this?" Honestly, I don't know what the right answer is.

 

[Lisa F]

So what do you guys think? Continue the smiling silent act, or offer my opinion?

I think you should continue the smiling silent act. It's not like she doesn't know what people think of her fiance, because many people have told her what they think and she chooses not to see it. At this point, the best you can do is be there for her. It almost sounds like all of the negativity is pushing her toward him, which is an immature and stubborn reaction but not uncommon. I'm not sure what becoming part of the pile-on will do, except alienate her from you should things go bad in a BIG way because now you are part of that pool of people who will likely tell her that you told her so. Sometimes you just gotta let people make their own mistakes and keep your mouth shut about it.

If no one else had said anything to her about it, I would advocate honesty. I just don't see what one more person piling on about it will do to help.

 

[PlaneJoy1]

This is a hard one! Wow....

I think if there is a way to have lunch, dessert, something to open up conversations. Perhaps you could tell her that no matter what you are beside her, but you have some reservations that you think you should share or maybe ask her if she's truely happy and want to spend the rest of her life cooking, cleaning, getting no respect, etc. I would take it light and see if she's receptive, reitterating that you will be her friend regardless.

I think friends have to be truthful with one another but not totally bash another person. Perhaps she's been put on the defensive by other friends and she's proving a point (thought not a good one) by staying.

Good luck whatever you decide!

 

[Maleficent13]

Shameless self-bump for hopefully more responses!

 

[auntpolly]

Please let me know how this turns out - I have a friend that has entered into a very self-destructive relationship (IMO) and I try to give her, very gently, my concerns, but she has so far blown me off. She's the kind of person that is going to need for me to be very blunt to even think about what I have to say, but I just can't decide if it's my business. I mean, maybe she knows what she's doing. I don't think so, but .

 

[NMAmy]

Unfortunately, Mal, I doubt she'd listen to you even if you do voice your concerns. I think that we've all been there (I know I didn't listen when I got married to my ex)--particularly when we're younger or dead set on a course of action (which it seems she is.) I had a dear friend who married a controlling, emotionally abusive man. Before the wedding, I even had convinced her to leave him but she changed her mind. We're still good friends but it did turn out the way I'd predicted and I know she had some trouble admitting that to me--and I always wonder if she might have talked to me more about her situation when she was going through it if I'd been a bit more noncommittal about him. Well, I was younger then and much less diplomatic.

If this relationship does turn out the way you expect, she'll need your support especially since she seems to have cut off other friends who have expressed concern. We each have to make our own choices and learn from our mistakes. Perhaps you can gently point out some of the things that bother you without it seeming like you're judging him or insisting that she dump him--such as, "It seems a little insensitive that he forgot your birthday." It might make her look at his actions a bit more closely without her feeling like you're judging him.

 

[diznygirl]

I've done this before as the "Devil's advocate." I have told friends that I know they are happy, and I am happy for them, but just to be sure, have they considered this, this and this? I comes off like I'm on their side, and I have usually gotten honest responses.

You could also mention that as your friend, you of course think she deserves to be treated like a princess. You can leave out the part where you don't think he treats her that way!

Good luck!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sounds like people have talked to her and it doesn't work. No point of going there really unless you can't take it.
Although if you are standing up for her at the wedding and you know this guy is scum it is not honorable.
Can you say ROCK AND HARD PLACE?

 

[Microcell]

I am not a fan of my best friend's husband, not from day one. Now he is a bad father too. It annoys me, but I just remain supportive of her and listen when she complains, but I remain non commital as well, but will be there when the marriage falls apart, which I think it will. He asks for a divorce every other weekend. My DH even thinks he may be cheating, but I have not even a shred of proof. Just a gut feeling because of how little time he spends with my friend and thier DD. He comes home from work at 6PM and my friend works the evening shift, so who is DD with from 6 till 10:30? My best friends parents, of course!

I will not say anything, because we had a mutual friend that was getting married to another jerk, and the above mentioned friend said something about it to her on her wedding day. They are not friends anymore. I think my freind will feel an obligation to her husband, and stop communicating with me. I feel like it would be better for us to be friends when everything falls apart later than for me to tell her what she already knows ( like I am fairly sure your friend does, deep down), as all her other friends tell her what they think of him, so I would be yet another. She needs me to complain to, since all her other friends just point out she married a jerk.

Good luck. It stinks when you think your friend married under her potential!

 

[Disneyrsh]

Eh, I'd tell her exactly how you're feeling, let her get mad at you and stop talking to you, and then say goodbye and move on with your life. She sounds pretty toxic...

And all my nutty friends are now laughing at me for this advice...

 

[Microcell]

Upon second reading, it does look like she is asking you to confirm that her decision is right. My friend has never asked, and I never offered. I certainly would not lie if she asks if she is doing the right thing, but maybe you could suggest that she get away or something and really think about it if she has reservations. Giving your opinion is going to cause her to ba angry because it sounds like she is making the rounds of all her friends to see if she can't get someone to agree that this is the right thing to do.

 

[ElizaB39]

My DH tried to talk his BF out of getting married to his first wife. Got married anyway. DH and BF were not close all the time he was married because his wife hated my DH. He is finally remarried, happy and close again. He ex BIL is better friends with him and doesn't even associate with BF's ex who is his own sister (does that make sense?).

My close friend told her BF, almost at the altar, "you don't have to do this, I am behind you all the way, let's run away." She got married anyway and only left him after he kicked her old dog across the room.

I don't think that what you say will matter, unless she asks you what you think? Then maybe (just maybe) she is really looking for an answer and someone to confirm her fears.

 

[MosMom]

I have a friend who is married to a jerk. I tell her all the time he is a jerk and she just nods her head but won't divorce him. Some people know thier spouse is a jerk and they don't care. They simply just want a warm body to be with. He just got a DUI the other night and she had to bail him out. Her excuse for not divorcing him is that she doesn't want to break up the family. Great family, dad is out drinking most nights and just got his first DUI. Dad leaves mom for months at a time when life gets overwhelming and most likely is cheating. Great example to set for your daughter! Women should put up with endless **** just to have a man!

So, you could tell her and she may not even care! I would tell her to carefully consider how she wants to spend the rest of her life. I wouldn't specifically speak of him but just tell her to think long and hard. Yes, planning a wedding is exciting...but once the honeymoon wears off and she realizes she is doomed to a life of cooking/cleaning for someone who won't even buy her a birthday present...will she be that excited?

 

[graygables]

My BF made no bones about not liking my ex, but she supported me anyway. She was a bridesmaid (I'm STILL sorry I made her wear that pink feathered number! ) She was there for me when my kids were born (she is DD1's godmother) and listened to me even though I was an idiot. Our friendship was irreparably damaged by my stupid mistakes, though. Ex was military, so once we moved away, the friendship dissolved. We still exchange Christmas cards, but she won't give me her e-mail (I've asked). I have since apologized to her, not that I expect to be forgiven, but I want her to know that I was at fault.

I would think it best for you to be honest with her, but in a supportive way. Make it clear that you understand that she thinks she loves him and such, but try to talk to her so that you don't drive a wedge. She may need you in the near future. Also, try not to be hurt by stupid things she may say/do. I have SO BTDT and can honestly say, I was out of my mind.

 

[minkydog]

Who knows why we choose the mates we choose? I can't stand two of my BILs but my sisters love them. I would only offer my true opinion if she asked me, point blank. Otherwise, I'd just fake it. Most brides realy don't want to hear the truth. Nobody "understands". They "don't know" their man...am I right? If you just let fly with some negative opinions you're gonna be on the outside looking in real quick.

My sister was living with a guy who didn't treat her well. He didn't beat her up, but he just never said anything nice to her. He didnt "take care of her" the way I thought a man should. She asked me what I thought, so I told her I would give her my opinion ONCE and then never talk about it again. I told her I didn't think he was right for her, that he didn't seem as "connected" as she was, and that he didn't share any interests together. She was so angry! It caused a huge blow-up and I apologized for upsetting her(but not for my words.)

They have been married 12 years. He doesn't take care of her. He puts her down. He makes all the decisions(didn't want to have kids, wanted to move 3000 miles away, etc.) He constantly pushes her to go to work, even though they live in a rural area(his choice) with little access to the kind of work she is trained for (chemistry.)

I have never again said a negative word about the man--I don't have to. Everything I warned her about has come true. All these years i have just stood by her and loved her anyway.

 

[Maleficent13]

Thaks for all the responses. To answer MM, no she hasn't asked me to stand up for her, thank goodness. I'd really have been in a pickle then. She's having a really small wedding and only her sister is standing up for her.

Microcell, you hit the nail on the head. I think she is seeking approval of this guy. She kept putting off me meeting him because everyone who had met him disliked him. Once I finally did meet him, I saw why.

I know she values my opinion, which is why I'm so torn about the whole thing. I'd hate for her to come back to me and ask me why I never told her what I thought. But I know if I do tell her, she's going to be angry.

Oy, vey. I think I'm going to stick to smiling and nodding for now.

 

[MosMom]

Long time between now and June. She may wake up and smell the stink on her own...right around Christmas when he buys her a bowling ball and a new remote for Christmas.

 

[Maleficent13]

Long time between now and June. She may wake up and smell the stink on her own...right around Christmas when he buys her a bowling ball and a new remote for Christmas.

The worst part is, he didn't forget her birthday. He just didn't get her anything for it. In his mind, asking her to marry him two months ago (and the accompanying ring) was present enough.

I mean, come on. He couldn't go to the grocery store and pick up a couple $1.99 roses???