Off topic but wanted unbiased opinions

[turtlechick6]

So I am having an issue right now. I am a Christian who does not go to church. I was just not raised as a church goer. I want to go but I always find excuses that may or may not be valid.

When my twins were preemies we could not go because of germs. Then when they were over a year old I took them and left them in the nursery but during cold and flu season we had to stop going because DS could not get a flu shot due to egg allergies and he is high risk for complications for flu due to asthma. Then I just have not gone back. So we have gone to church maybe for 3 months since my kids were born 3 and a half years ago.

The thing is I am a very faithful Christian. I want to go. My husband won't go with me even though he is Christian mostly because he is lazy and has social anxiety. I found a church I really like. It is the same church where my boys go to preschool. I want to go back.

My main issue right now is I have one DS who is non verbal at 3 and a half due to speech delays and other reasons we don't know yet. Other DS has severe food allergies of egg and peanut. So I talked myself out of going and leaving them in nursery/sunday school today because I just hate having to worry that they will give him a peanut butter cookie or something while I am in service. I have to act like a crazy person explaining all my kids issues when I drop them off. I have to explain the food allergies and then I have to explain that DS does not talk.

It should not be a hard thing to do in theory but I always get dumb or insensitive questions and I have to stand there and explain stuff for several minutes while other kids and parents easedrop on us. I just don't like to do that. I don't like my kids to listen to that and feel different. I just hate it.

It is one thing to do preschool where it is the same teachers everyday and I only have to explain it once. With church it might be different people regularly so I have to explain it every time just to leave them there for an hour.

Am I overreacting? Is there anything I could do? The whole thing just frustrates me. Not that my kids are different but that everyone else is just not prepared to deal with them or knowledgeable about it. Last time we did nursery when DS was little I would have to tell them everytime not to give him food and they would want to give him food and it just got annoying. Now with DS also having a special need on top of the food allergies it is just a lot to deal with.

Thanks for letting me unload all this.

 

[ms_missy66]

Hey Turtle,

I can definitely understand why it's easy to not go. But if you want to go, find a way, sweetie. Maybe that means, just for now, that you go by yourself. Leave the kiddos home with Daddy and really enjoy the service. I'll probably get flamed for this, but when my girls were a bit younger, I banned them from church. *gasp* They just behaved so badly and we didn't have a nursery option. It made me crazy and totally ruined the beauty of the service. I left annoyed and feeling bad each week. So I decided, very uncerimoniously, that they would stay home with Dad (who sounds like your DH) and everyone was happier.

Now that they're a bit older, they come with, behave mostly good and we are able to take something away from it. Dad still doesn't come much. It's annoying because I'd love for us to do it as a family, but he's a big boy making that decision.

Do you think your kids would be okay staying with you in church? Is it worth a try? Then you wouldn't have to worry about leaving them in the nursery. Just make a deal with yourself if they get out of hand you leave a bit early and try again later.

If you little ones go to preschool there, how do they handle the food allergies? Could you ask about a "peanut-free" environment? Could you provide a snack and simply explain that your children have life-threatening food allergies and are only to come in contact with the food you provide? Though I can understand feeling nervous about that. My DD has a citrus allergy that results in a rash that's easily curable and I still worry.

I know I'm rambling - but for now, my suggestion would be to go and enjoy service. Do YOU miss out because remember, whatever you take away trickles down to your family whether or not they're beside you in the pew, in the nursery or at home.

Hope that helps!

 

[Hannathy]

First I want to tell you I believe you can be a very good Christian without going to church.

Second if your DH won't go to church why can't he watch the kids while you go? That would be the simplest thing for now.

Third once you start going the teachers would learn you children and you would not have to repeat it every week. We keep it written down when kids have allergies plus you just start knowing which kids do!

Fourth you don't owe them a detailed explanation. a simple he has speech delays and isn't speaking yet but can follow verbal instructions is sufficient for an hour of Sunday school. You can also say he has allergies so do not give him a snack (and I would send a baggie of crackers or whatever is safe with him in case they do have a snack)

But until you feel comfortable I would just go to church myself and leave them with my DH. That gives you some alone time to experience church without worrying and also time to get to know the people so you can relax and trust them with your kids.

 

[Miss Peach]

Hi--

It is difficult for me to understand on what topic you are seeking an opinion, but here are my feelings.

If you are a Christian then it is your duty to find a church and go. I wouldn't want to meet my Maker and have to explain why I was too lazy, busy, annoyed, etc. to go a worship HIM.

Established churches send their child care volunteers to classes on proper child care procedures. Call the church office in advance and find out their procedures. Go on a Sunday, leaving your kids home with dad, and spend some time in the child care rooms.

Once you become a member of the church you wont have to explain your kids' special needs every time. And if you feel that the child care providers are--I cannot remember your advective--unable to provide the care you are seeking go elsewhere.

As for your fellow moms 'eavesdropping' on your conversations--this doesn't sound like the right church for you if you view your fellow parishioners this way.

Good luck finding the right church for you, don't give up.

Cathy

 

[turtlechick6]

Thanks for the tips and understanding. I think I might try to take them and just see how it goes with leaving them in the Sunday School/children's church/nursery. I am not exactly sure what they do with 3 year olds during the early service. It might go better than I anticipate. If it goes badly at least I know I tried. It is a medium largish church so it would be hard for them to probably know everyone and for everyone to learn about our family. I would not expect that.

The preschool keeps their classroom peanut and egg free but I don't think the Sunday school has as strict standards. I have seen people bringing in cookies from the welcome area to give the kids and who knows what those cookies have in them! That is what worries me or a parent giving their kid something to eat in class when DS could get his hands on it.

For DS who doesn't talk I get some very insensitive things said to us and him and my hackles rise up. Usually no one is intentionally being mean but it still hurts. They will talk about why is he so quiet or ask why he doesn't talk. Not really something I want to discuss with strangers. Since most 3 year olds talk and he seems otherwise perfectly normal I guess most people don't know how to respond to the situation.

 

[Hannathy]

Thanks for the tips and understanding. I think I might try to take them and just see how it goes with leaving them in the Sunday School/children's church/nursery. I am not exactly sure what they do with 3 year olds during the early service. It might go better than I anticipate. If it goes badly at least I know I tried. It is a medium largish church so it would be hard for them to probably know everyone and for everyone to learn about our family. I would not expect that.

T

I just want to say that I go to a pretty big church-not one of the mega big churches but on the large side and if you are a regular the main Sunday School people will get to know your kids! I can still tell you the kids who have allergies from having them as little ones even tho they are in High school now.

What I would suggest is during the week call the church and ask to speak to the children's director. Tell them about your son's and wanting to start Sunday School. They will be delighted to welcome you into the church and will take all the information and should pass this onto the teachers in that room and if they are worth their salt will make sure to be there on Sunday and introduce you and your children to the teachers and remind them of the allergies. I am also serious that the teachers and volunteers do not need to hear all the details past the allergies and they are not speaking. You can go into more details with the director but every Sunday you do not need to unless your son can not follow instructions and needs more one on one attention.

Call the church during the week and speak to a Sunday School director.

 

[woodkins]

As a mom of a special needs kid I know how you are feeling. My dd is 8 now but when she was 3 she spoke, but was pretty much not able to be understood. She also had severe sensory issues, so singing, music, etc all led to meltdowns and tantrums.

Having said that here are a few choices that come to mind:
1-leave them home with your husband.
2-bring them to church and have them stay with you in the service. We are catholic and our church doesn't do separate care for the kids, they are in the church with us. I always would bring a tote bag with crayons, books, little figures/dolls, any type of quiet toy I can think of.
3-bring them to the childcare center and stay with them for the first time. Find out if the workers are the same each week, or how often they change. Bring a special snack for your kids and that is what they can have. Believe me, they are NOT the only kids with food allergies in this day and age.

You should not be embarrassed of who your child is. We are all God's children, and he made each of us to be unique and special. If people are intolerant at the start, maybe this is a way for you to be a steward for those who are different and "special".

 

[PiperPizzaz]

One of the kids at my church is allergic to like 11 things so he always wears a neon yellow sticker on his shirt basically saying 'don't feed me I have allergies'. That might be a good idea. I would probably just leave them with Dad at home if it were me. We kind of had the opposite of your situation. Dh used to go to church while I stayed home with our DS. Ds had major problems in the nursery. He is 5 now and has been going regularly for a couple of years but, still has major issues. He was speech delayed too and has speech problems still.

 

[The Hendies]

Any Church nursery worth their salt will understand ALL of the issues. We have banned snacks from home except bottles that are clearly marked with babies name. Once parents understood the reason, they were terrific about complying. After you have taken your little ones enough, each of the caregivers will get to know your children and you won't have to explain every time. Yuo, we survived egg allergy (No! Baby CAN'T have a cookie!), breast feeding, and a host of other challenges at church. You will too.

Yes, I was a mom who left a child home with daddy because I need a brief break from him. I went 5 months to a church before they met him!

Give it time and pray about a solution.

 

[herdtoDisney]

At my church, we use an 'allergy alert' poster that lists the snack for each week, so parents can look at it and react accordingly. Maybe your church would be willing? This way you would know if you needed to say anything to the teacher. I only give the kids I'm teaching exactly what is on the chart-nothing else, meaning I won't spontaneously give them a cookie or something. If a child was allergic, I'd try to figure out an alternative (give a parent brought snack or look for a parent-approve alternate).

As for explaining the non-verbal status of the one child-as a teacher, it's so helpful to know, and I'd probably ask you, is he/she ok to be left here? Does he/she communicate in another way (for example, I need to go to the bathroom). But I wouldn't ask a million questions-just enough to make sure the child will be comfortable You would not sound like a crazy person as a teacher, I understand that kids have needs and I appreciate knowing them, so I can help make church a place your kiddo loves to be!

 

[katied]

I would go and keep the kids with you during service. Isn't this allowed? I grew up always going with my parents, even at a very young age. Dsister takes both of her kids to service with her, and DS and DD go to service with me. DH isn't really interested in going, so I'll take both kids. I've never left them in a kid room - not sure if my chuch has such a thing?

In any event, I would find a church where you can take the kids with you to service. Kids can learn to sit through service and manage just fine - and then you don't have to worry about them.

I'm not sure I'd be confortable relying on volunteers to keep tabs of things. When I was in high school, I worked for one church filling in when they didn't have volunteers. On many Sundays, I was alone with 8 - 12 kids, I was only 14 myself, and I'm not sure I really could have kept track, truely understood the imact, of allergies, special needs, etc. Maybe your church is different, but if there is someone filling in on an off week, not sure I'd want to take the chance.

 

[MiniGirl]

So, I'm a little confused.... have you been to worship services at this church? After your initial post, I thought you had, but your 2nd one made me think you haven't. I ask because I was going to say that you may be pleasantly surprised. Several of the women who oversee our children's area during worship also work in our weekday preschool. Quite a few families have started attending our church because they like that the workers already knew their children (and things like allergies, delays, etc) and the children know them, too. It was the same way at the church where we used to live. It may not be the same way there, of course, but there very well could be someone there who already knows your child.

However, if you are really uncomfortable, I also suggest leaving the kids at home and enjoying your worship time solo.

 

[brymolmom]

Definitely leave them home with dh for now. If he doesn't want to go anyway I'm not sure why it's taken you this long to just go by yourself. Do you have a big belief to want the whole family or just the kids there with you?

In another year or so - just bring them with you and keep them at the service - so they can start getting some of the benefit too.

 

[turtlechick6]

I have not left them with DH because while he does great watching them I don't want to make him watch them too much because it can stress him out and he would be less likely to want to watch them during other times when I need him too. I also want the kids to go with me to get involved in the church and I do think they would enjoy it if we can make it work out safely.

I think there is an office for the children's ministry director. I am going to go in there and talk to her about wanting to bring the boys and about our issues. Then see what she has to say about it and that way everything is taken care of ahead of time and I can be reassured about it. They have a good children's ministry and I do think they have regular teachers but they also have subs and volunteers and that is what makes me a bit nervous. DS that does not talk can follow directions and acts like any other child but obviously cannot play games or participate in activities that require speaking like other kids can and he communicates by taking you over to what he wants or showing you want he wants.

I don't think mine would be good in the service. They are fairly hyper little boys and I would spend so much time making them happy and quiet that I would not be able to pay much attention to the service.

Thanks for all the good suggestions though. You guys have been very helpful!

 

[kirstenb1]

OUr youngest dd has mild autism. She has been welcomed at our church since she was still in my tummy! She used to go to nursery, but now that she's 5, she goes to Sunday School.

This is part of my overall way of raising her, which is to expose her to as many social situations as I think she can tolerate. I think every little bit helps her (long-term) with her condition.

In the beginning of any new situation, yes it is a fair amount of work to explain her condition, what that means in her ability to function in that particular setting, etc. But that is life, and it beats the alternative, which would be keeping her at home, and having her miss out on opportunities. You will be very surprised at who the people are who are especially good with your child. It has taught me not to judge a book by it's cover!! Some of the adults who aren't very social with other adults are terrific with special-needs kids!!!

Think of it this way. You get to worship God with a group of people every Sunday. You'll get to know them, and make some new friends.
And your child will get the chance to hear other children speak and interact, and make friends.

As for allergies, I would just bring a snack for your allergic child.

Best wishes, it sounds like your heart is calling you. You just have to find the right church. If not this one, keep trying.

 

[squirrel]

Is it possible to type out your sons allergies and give them the paper each week, or maybe they have an area to post it (inside the snack cupboard) so the other people the following Sundays know.

 

[disney_family_1247]

I'm not a Christain, but I am a mom of kids with severe allergies and a teacher. If I were you, I'd leave the kids with their father every Sunday and go to church, if you feel the need. You both get what you want. Eventually, your kids will be old enough that they can be vigilant about their allergies, and you'll feel safe leaving them. I firmly believe that God would want you to look out for your kids more than He would want you in Church. Don't feel guilty for being a good mom.

 

[mjkacmom]

I can't imagine not being comfortable leaving my kids with DH. Heck, he once insisted I go out, when he had a stomach bug, as well as toddler twins throwing up! We're Catholic, and go to family Mass - we don't have a nursery, so people are more patient. DH has stayed home with our twins when they were 6 months old, for a long weekend, while I travelled with the other 3. He's a parent - it's sometimes stressful - you deal with it.

 

[scrapquitler]

The thing is I am a very faithful Christian. I want to go. My husband won't go with me even though he is Christian mostly because he is lazy and has social anxiety. I found a church I really like. It is the same church where my boys go to preschool. I want to go back.

I think your answer is in this paragraph:
How about you go to church and leave your DH at home with the kids?

 

[momtoBrandon&Jacob]

I have not left them with DH because while he does great watching them I don't want to make him watch them too much because it can stress him out and he would be less likely to want to watch them during other times when I need him too. I also want the kids to go with me to get involved in the church and I do think they would enjoy it if we can make it work out safely.

I think there is an office for the children's ministry director. I am going to go in there and talk to her about wanting to bring the boys and about our issues. Then see what she has to say about it and that way everything is taken care of ahead of time and I can be reassured about it. They have a good children's ministry and I do think they have regular teachers but they also have subs and volunteers and that is what makes me a bit nervous. DS that does not talk can follow directions and acts like any other child but obviously cannot play games or participate in activities that require speaking like other kids can and he communicates by taking you over to what he wants or showing you want he wants.

I don't think mine would be good in the service. They are fairly hyper little boys and I would spend so much time making them happy and quiet that I would not be able to pay much attention to the service.

Thanks for all the good suggestions though. You guys have been very helpful!

Ok I'm not christian so I don't know anything about the church thing, BUT I bolded the statement that makes no sense to me at all. You mean you have to ration the time your dh spends with his kids because he gets stressed out?!

Heck, everyone gets stressed out watching their kids but that's certainly not an excuse to not watch them!! Seriously, you gotta tell your dh to grow the blank up and do his fatherly duties. I'd be much more worried about that than the this whole church thing!