Not taking teen on planned WDW trip as punishment to harsh?

[txgirl]

I understand the hurt. Believe it or not I too was severly abused by the belt by my father as a child. I have not meant to make light of a subject that has struck a cord with you. I know the difference.....very well.

I think as the previous post stated, anything done inappropriately could be considered abuse, ie: restrictions, spankings, yelling, etc.

That's why so many people have posted on this thread. Parenting, and doing it right hits hard and hits close to home. We want to do the right thing by our children and raise them strong and loved and with the assurance that we did all we could do. Let's not tear one another down.

 

[kelma]

Take her!

I completely agree with Minmate. It sounds like your dd really could use some counseling to find out why she is so angry that she acts out at school (and even though what she's doing does not seem like angry outbursts, she is trying very hard to make those around her upset). I have no idea about your home situation, other than your dd now has two little siblings and a stepfather. I think if you exclude her from this trip, whatever feelings of being left out/not wanted/whatever that's causing her to act out in the first place will only be intensified. Of course she should be disciplined, restricted from all other activities, friends,etc., but NOT from a family vacation. Even when our kids act awful, they are still a part of our families.

This time will pass, but she'll always remember being left behind (as will her little sisters). I think this is the type of thing that could cause hurt feelings for a lifetime.

As for going back on what you told her.. It is OK for parents to say, I said that punishment in anger. We love you, you are a part of our family and we will not leave you behind. Instead, your punishment will be ......When we can admit that we do/say things in anger that are not appropriate, it helps our children be able to do the same.

Good luck, with understanding and loving discipline, this too will pass

 

[sha_lyn]

My 13DD soon to be 14 has had problems in school with behavior since forever. Now she goes to the boys and girls club afterschool and gets in trouble there as well. Last year she got kicked out the the "gifted" program due to her behavior. She has even been suspended for it. Nothing extreme, talks all through class, passes notes, doesn't listen to the teacher, etc, getting caught with things she shouldn't have(gameboy, candy. etc) swearing. So, it's enough to frustrate the teachers and frustrate me. She always has to be told to do everything at home which I know is normal for that age range.

How long is "forever".
Just because she is gifted doesn't mean she can't have a learning disability, ADD or somethign similar. I really think there is something behind her behavior that needs to be addressed. It could be one of the reasons I mentioned, or it could be that she is seeking attention because she feels left out at home. Look at it from her side. You have a "new" family now. I really think taking the "new" family to WDW and leaving her behind will make things worse.

 

[HappyLawyer]

Funny thing is, my children have never been allowed to run all over me and I haven't had to resort to child abuse either. Yes there is a difference between discipline and child abuse. When you use a belt you have crossed the line.

i must have missed that bill you put through congress about crossing the line, if yuo show me where it states that is crossing the line i will take out an article in a major newspaper, pay for it and apologize to you, or if you can show me where you were put in charge to decide what is and is not acceptable i will gladly apologize to you, but if you cannot then those are your opinions, which you are entitled to but don't judge others- it's not a very attractive quality

No one of this earth has the right to judge--something to think about.

 

[HappyLawyer]

I am not ashamed to come to the defense of children and never will be. You said yourself in an earlier post that using a belt didn't work on your DD, just like you figured out that it hurts for a little and then you go back to your ways. Why would anyone use a belt when they themselves know it does no good? Abuse breeds abusers. It's a horrible cycle and one I wish those that went through it would stop at themselves.

So are you willing to go to all these homes and assist all these parents, that is so noble of you, wow, i defend children every day for a living and for the law so what are you doing that is better then anyone else-nothing, parents can run their homes the way they choose and you may not like it ut it is something to get over cuz there is nothing you can do about it,
so i am just done with the negative people on here no one is going to say anything to change another persons point of view but is does not mean YOU HAVE ANY RIGHT AT ALL TO PUT ANYONE DOWN OR CRITIZE

 

[HappyLawyer]

I get so upset about using a belt because my husband was abused this way for years when he was little. And yes it is abuse. He still looks sick if the subject is brought up and he is 44 y/o. His father thought nothing of trying to control him with belt whippings as long as he could remember. Very sad. To say my husband hates his father now is an understatement. He disowned his father when he became a teen and could defend himself. It is amazing how the brave belt wielders could be so cowardly when one stands up for themselves. I do think there are many better ways to get one's point across besides inflicting pain. A swat on the butt to get a child's attention after telling them not to go into the road for the 3rd time is one thing. To actually make a belt into a weapon to inflict pain is another thing altogether. I believe a parenting class is in order for anyone that feels the need to hurt a child to get one's point across.

I am sure we all can have appreciation for abuse and no one likes to see an abused child, but that sounds like this is something you need to work out for your own piece of mind, critizing others won't help, not everyone who uses a belt is like your father-in-law, we are all on here for a reason, we are all somewhat like an extended family, we come here to keep the magic together, and we support each other, we do not have to agree or respect what others say but we can tolerate what they feel and need to say, without judging or calling names. I think it is sad when there are those who do not know when enough is enough, most of the people on these boards are decent people, we raise our children according to the ways in which we were raised and guess what-many of us are awesome and outstanding, i got my butt whipped as a kids, most of the times i deserved it, but parents need to find what works best for them, so they ask for help, and i think we are getting away from her issue and topic. It just amazes me how many posts on these boards turn into arguments because people want to attack and judge, yes i did say i spanked my dtr and found out that did not work, how does that make anyone a bad person

 

[minmate]

...This thread has officially been hi-jacked!

I for one, would really like to hear from the OP about how things are going with her dd and if there any new (hopefully positive) developments regarding school and her behavior, so if you're reading this, pls feel free to give an update and get this thread back on track of supporting you through this challenging time!

 

[Jodi3530]

My 2 cents, When I was in 6th grade our family took a trip non disney and on the trip we began planning to go to disney world. Not long after we got back home we found out my Mom had ovarian cancer. We never got to go to disney. I know some of you are saying it is only a vacation but you never know when you are going to hit a curve ball in life and it will be your last family vacation together. I am not saying anything is going to happen to you or any one in your family but we never would have guess the battle that we were coming into. If I would have been left behind it would have been terrible to miss that time with my family. A family vacation should never be punishment in my opinion. (One year I was punished at our local fair grounded at 17 had to walk with my parents ride with them there and go home with them and I respected that they made me do this as punishment as having to sit home by myself would have been no big deal walking with mom and dad very big deal but that was the kind of kid I was.)
Please don't leave your child behind while you go on vacation. You never it could be something you highly regret and you would not know this until it is done and over with. I agree you have to stick to the punishment that you dish out but this is not a good punishment sit down and find something that fits the crime for each thing she did. Passing candy, notes, talking each one should have its own punishment then stick to that.
Just so you know what ended up happening to my Mom she beat it and has been cancer free for 14 years. THey never could afford another vacation after all the medical bills but me and dh are saving to take my parents on their first disney trip. Never to young never too old for your first time there. IT will also be my, dh and our kids first trip!
These are just my thoughts and I know that most say leave her behind. Just make sure you look at this from every angle.
Jodi
Good luck and I hope you enjoy your trip!

 

[HappyLawyer]

My 2 cents, When I was in 6th grade our family took a trip non disney and on the trip we began planning to go to disney world. Not long after we got back home we found out my Mom had ovarian cancer. We never got to go to disney. I know some of you are saying it is only a vacation but you never know when you are going to hit a curve ball in life and it will be your last family vacation together. I am not saying anything is going to happen to you or any one in your family but we never would have guess the battle that we were coming into. If I would have been left behind it would have been terrible to miss that time with my family. A family vacation should never be punishment in my opinion. (One year I was punished at our local fair grounded at 17 had to walk with my parents ride with them there and go home with them and I respected that they made me do this as punishment as having to sit home by myself would have been no big deal walking with mom and dad very big deal but that was the kind of kid I was.)
Please don't leave your child behind while you go on vacation. You never it could be something you highly regret and you would not know this until it is done and over with. I agree you have to stick to the punishment that you dish out but this is not a good punishment sit down and find something that fits the crime for each thing she did. Passing candy, notes, talking each one should have its own punishment then stick to that.
Just so you know what ended up happening to my Mom she beat it and has been cancer free for 14 years. THey never could afford another vacation after all the medical bills but me and dh are saving to take my parents on their first disney trip. Never to young never too old for your first time there. IT will also be my, dh and our kids first trip!
These are just my thoughts and I know that most say leave her behind. Just make sure you look at this from every angle.
Jodi
Good luck and I hope you enjoy your trip!

First let me say i am glad your mom beat the cancer and i hope she is continuing to do well, our children will have the optionof going to disney with or without us, we are making their growing years special by all we do now, i am sure this mom does not want to leave her child, but she is trying to set some boundaries, mom did not say we are all going to disney but you stay here, i think if the trip was planned just to spite the child then yes that would be very harsh, but this was a planned trip and the child/teen continued to display behavior, im my eyes there is no punishment that will equil missing a disney trip, there is no way to just even that out, i understand what you are saying about anything can happen and this is true but it is also true that anything can happen anywhere or anytime. When it comes down to it we can only give our two cents because the mom is either going to take her or not take, if to the op we will not judge you no matter what you decide, it is your choice, do what is best for you and your family, i think the post itself lets us know you feel bad about the decision, and hey that is what parenting is all about, you should feel bad, i would, but i would not let my feeling interefere with her consequences, i feel it teaches our children nothing.

I do agree with the poster that said she wants to hear from the op with an update on events and your decision, no one is here to judge you. i won't let them

 

[skiwee1]

I do agree with the poster that said she wants to hear from the op with an update on events and your decision, no one is here to judge you. i won't let them

Gee, now we have an armchair moderator. You won;t let them? LOL! Very funny. In case you missed it, the OP asked for and got opinions as to if she thinks what she is doing is harsh. Personally you will not stop anyone from giving their opinions.

 

[HappyLawyer]

Gee, now we have an armchair moderator. You won;t let them? LOL! Very funny. In case you missed it, the OP asked for and got opinions as to if she thinks what she is doing is harsh. Personally you will not stop anyone from giving their opinions.

issues, all i can say is issues
you say : Personally you will not stop anyone from giving their opinions.
again, when did i ever say i would, do you just make up things to argue about , no on on here said they would stop anyones opinions, read the posts, then respond

 

[HappyLawyer]

Gee, now we have an armchair moderator. You won;t let them? LOL! Very funny. In case you missed it, the OP asked for and got opinions as to if she thinks what she is doing is harsh. Personally you will not stop anyone from giving their opinions.

i re read your post and you are absolutely right about what the op asked, you commented on a person that talked about spanking and whipping, which had nothing to do with the the op asked, so i did not miss it it would appear as you did-food for thought.

 

[tiff211]

...This thread has officially been hi-jacked!

I for one, would really like to hear from the OP about how things are going with her dd and if there any new (hopefully positive) developments regarding school and her behavior, so if you're reading this, pls feel free to give an update and get this thread back on track of supporting you through this challenging time!

Well, after reading some of your posts, talking to my mom who was the world's strictest mom , talking to Dh, and of course DD, here's the deal: My 4 year old summed it up for me when she said if sis doesn't come to FL with us who will play with me in the pool? Right then I decided that I needed to set an example and let her see me give her sister consequences. I ALWAYS use the if then clause with the little ones If you...then you can't.......or If you don't......then you won't. I needed to let her see me use the if then on her sister so she would completely understand why her big sister was missing out on the trip. So I sat DD down and we had a long talk. I told her she owed her sister big time. I then called her 4 yr old DD in the room and said to 13 year dd that because I had not given her warning, I was going to take back what I said about Disney. But, now it was not a given, it was conditional. She had to go above and beyond, no slip ups at home and at school. As long as she kept it together she could go with us to Disney. But if not then she would go to her dad's who assured me he would make sure she did nt feel like she was on vacation!!!

Today, she came home with a certificate that said she had been nominated for student of the month for the month of Feb. Go figure!!! I felt like that was my sign that I had made the right choice.

I thank you all for your insight and thanks to some of you posters I have a lot of reading ahead of me! Hopefully, she will be accompanying us to WDW!! I can't wait to go!!!!

 

[txgirl]

Sweet sisters! I think you couldn't have had more opinions if you went on Oprah, Dr. Phil and the local news! You will be in our thoughts and prayers and I hope this is her fork in the road where she begins her journey down the path of wise choices!
Keep up the great work!

blessings

 

[BethR]

The DIS no longer has a Debate Board and unfortunately, this is what this thread has become. So it will be closed.

The OP is welcome to let everyone know how things are with her DD in a new thread.