Not spending the holidays with the family...

[Desnik]

This year will be the first year my DH, myself and our 2 kids will not be spending the holidays with my family. My mom has Thanksgiving at her house and I have Xmas at mine. Instead DH and I are taking our kids to see the Radio City Xmas show on Thanksgiving day followed by dinner in the city. Xmas day will just be the 4 of us having dinner at home. I am very sad by this but I feel it is something I have to do.

We just came back from Disney with 47 of our family and friends. My DH and I renewed our vows at Disney and had the wedding we never had and always wished for. Unfortunately my mother, DH's mother and some other family members ruined what should've been a magical time for us. Well, tried to ruin it I should say because we did everything in our power to not let them ruin it. But the amount of stress they put us through the week before and during the vow renewal was almost too much to bear. What should've been our day and our time got turned into being about them. I won't bore you all with the details but the selfishness and negativity was just staggering. Right now we aren't speaking to our mothers. This really hurts me but we are at the point where we just can't take it anymore.

I just need to know and feel that it is OK to distance ourselves from them. I really feel that they are toxic people. Actually most of my family is and I feel that at this rate we will have no one in our family to be close to. It's funny how my BFF was the one who was there for me the way my mother should've been! I don't know, I am just venting and looking for reassurance I guess. Anyone else in the same boat?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If you know people are "toxic" or just annoying and include them, you know they are going to pull crap.

Weddings, renewals, events, with family can be stressful even with non-toxic people at times.

Now to your question of it being OK to distance yourself, that comes at a price as well. Takes alot of energy to do that.

It is always better to take the middle ground and be polite, cordial when you see them.

Unless of course there are threats, drugs, criminal behavior, etc..then all bets are off.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

, this is for you. We used to be that All-American family who visited everyone on the holidays. It was extremely stressful and I still regret all the missed time with my children because of it. We now have Thanksgiving dinner alone, open the house for desserts (BTW, no one comes), then usually go to a movie or play board games.

I still go to my Mom's on Christmas Eve, but only for a short time. We go to Mass first (rest of my family doesn't feel the need to) and my Mom always serves dinner during Mass time. We go, open gifts then leave so we can get some dinner at home.

Christmas day, my door is open, but we do not leave. I would not hesitate to plan a day or vacation time if we had the money. Last Easter, we spent the time in NYC with the kids and had the best time.

I know this is long, but I hope it makes you feel better about your decision.

 

[EthansMom]

We won't be having Thanksgiving with family this year. I've had it up to here with dealing with family drama queens on (and after) Thanksgiving. It should be just one day of food and happiness but instead becomes a witch-fest. Add to that, our niece and nephews' behavior isn't always good. No need to expose my family to all that in the name of "family togetherness".

We may still get together over the Christmas holiday (not ON Christmas Day itself), but I'm not going to worry about it.

 

[Desnik]

If you know people are "toxic" or just annoying and include them, you know they are going to pull crap.

Weddings, renewals, events, with family can be stressful even with non-toxic people at times.

Now to your question of it being OK to distance yourself, that comes at a price as well. Takes alot of energy to do that.

It is always better to take the middle ground and be polite, cordial when you see them.

Unless of course there are threats, drugs, criminal behavior, etc..then all bets are off.

The thing is, my mother was great up until a week or 2 before. We had come to an understanding awhile ago and have been getting along great the past couple of years. She turned into a different person because of issues going on with my father.(they are divorced) I told her a few days before that if she couldn't get on board and put on a happy face, stay home. Everyone else there I could tolerate but the behavior from my own mother was inexcusable. I also expect adults to act like adults but I guess that was too much to ask from some of them. You have to understand I am dealing with addicts, disfunction on a whole other level than normal. I guess I am just sick of taking the middle ground and being polite and biting my tongue.

 

[Desnik]

Tinker'n'Fun & EthansMom
Thanks for sharing your stories!

 

[trip]

But you are having dinner with your family..... your immediate family.

Life is too short to surround yourself with drama. Enjoy the day with your family.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The thing is, my mother was great up until a week or 2 before. We had come to an understanding awhile ago and have been getting along great the past couple of years. She turned into a different person because of issues going on with my father.(they are divorced) I told her a few days before that if she couldn't get on board and put on a happy face, stay home. Everyone else there I could tolerate but the behavior from my own mother was inexcusable. I also expect adults to act like adults but I guess that was too much to ask from some of them. You have to understand I am dealing with addicts, disfunction on a whole other level than normal. I guess I am just sick of taking the middle ground and being polite and biting my tongue.

I have to ask why you invited people that you can only tolerate to your renewal?

I am just saying that because you may be your own worst enemy forcing things to be as you want, as opposed to how they are.

The middle ground does not mean that you force yourself to put up with them all the time or hold your tongue.

Middle ground is more like using distance and picking and choosing carefully how you want to include them in your life.

If they say ignorant things to you in your presence you answer them in an adult manner. You do not have to stay silent.

It is tough to get a handle on family and you have to do what you think is right for you.

 

[suejai]

This year will be the first year my DH, myself and our 2 kids will not be spending the holidays with my family. My mom has Thanksgiving at her house and I have Xmas at mine. Instead DH and I are taking our kids to see the Radio City Xmas show on Thanksgiving day followed by dinner in the city. Xmas day will just be the 4 of us having dinner at home. I am very sad by this but I feel it is something I have to do.

We just came back from Disney with 47 of our family and friends. My DH and I renewed our vows at Disney and had the wedding we never had and always wished for. Unfortunately my mother, DH's mother and some other family members ruined what should've been a magical time for us. Well, tried to ruin it I should say because we did everything in our power to not let them ruin it. But the amount of stress they put us through the week before and during the vow renewal was almost too much to bear. What should've been our day and our time got turned into being about them. I won't bore you all with the details but the selfishness and negativity was just staggering. Right now we aren't speaking to our mothers. This really hurts me but we are at the point where we just can't take it anymore.

I just need to know and feel that it is OK to distance ourselves from them. I really feel that they are toxic people. Actually most of my family is and I feel that at this rate we will have no one in our family to be close to. It's funny how my BFF was the one who was there for me the way my mother should've been! I don't know, I am just venting and looking for reassurance I guess. Anyone else in the same boat?

It IS okay to distance yourself. Your Mom sounds a lot like mine and I have had to distance myself from her as well. Oddly enough the the last straw came on a trip to Disney as well. I sent my Mom an email, (I couldn't do it in person or on the phone because it is too easy for me to become side tracked and then what I need to say gets lost) that outlined all the reasons I had to break away and then didn't talk to her for a few months. I did email though because I needed to know she was still okay, as she lives alone. Then about a month and a half ago we started talking on the phone again, but I am still on guard emotionally and she is not really involved in our lives anymore. We live 3 hours apart so that makes it a bit easier to do. I know this sounds horrible, but we have a lot of underlying issues beyond her selfishness and negativity.

So it is possible to move apart from your Mom without totally cutting her out of your life. Just keep up your guard against the negativity, which is easier said than done.

I read a book once called "Are Your Parents Driving You Crazy" and the best piece of advice I got from it was that parents come with their own baggage but you don't have to carry it as well and that if you can accept what they are only able or willing to give emotionally instead of what you expect you will be better off and can still maintain some sort of relationship. Because I will tell you, that it is very hard to cut your mother out of your life. The guilt you feel is terrible.

So my advice to you would be to let your mothers know how their behaviour affected you and that you need some space for a bit and then proceed cautiously with rebuilding a distant relationship. Unless, of course, there is some criminal or harmful behaviour as a pp stated.

 

[Disney Doll]

It is so hard when our parents do not act like we wish they would. I am sorry that your mother and other family members disappointed you on what was to be a special occasion.

Unfortunately, our family members are human, and Hallmark has convinced us all that the "right" way to do family is having Mom & Dad and 2.5 perfect blonde children laughing and chatting amicably, while a benevolent Grandma and Grandpa smile at them all from the recliners. The reality of most peoples' lives is quite different.

As The Mystery Machine says, you can decide how much or how little contact you wish to have with your family. If you will find it difficult to completely write them off, then choose to limit your contact to certain days, times, activities or whatever. Choose to share or not share certain information, as you see fit. If you know they are difficult with big events, then don't invite them to big events, such as Christenings, Showers etc. If they ask why, the simplest repsonse is "Your behavior at our vow renewal convinced me that I don't want to have to deal with you at this event". Difficult people tend to be manipulative, so when they try to argue with you, keep repeating the same sentence until they get the hint that they are not going to "get your goat" or get you to change your mind. It takes hard work and self-control, but when people are difficult, part of the "fun" in it for them lies in being able to get to you.

You're not going to change them, so you need to change yourself and your reaction to them. Hard to do, I know.....

 

[Desnik]

At first we were going to have a small vow renewal. My mother and other family members were excited about it and most of them really wanted to be there. We never had a wedding, have been through a really rough time in the past few years and they expressed an interest in sharing a special moment with us. So, we thought it was so nice of them and wanted to include them. When I say tolerate I mean they are people I don't deal with daily, just on special occasions or holidays. Most of them mean well but are just not the type I want involved in my daily life or my children's lives. They are my family and I try to see the good in them and love them for it.

As for my dad, a long time ago I gave up the way I wish he was and how our relationship should be like. I accept him for who he is and what he can give. He cannot give me more than 5 mins on the phone, he can only be around his grandchildren when forced and come and visit 2-3 times a year(he lives an hour and a half away). He can't be overly affectionate to me. I do know he loves me in his own way and I accept that. I took a long time but I accept that.

My mother and I have always had a volatile relationship. But recently(past few years) we have found middle ground. For the past few months she has become bitter, negative, angry, more selfish than ever. I know she is going through a lot personally, but all I wanted was just one day. I bent over backwards to accommodate her and just got yelled at in return. She literally started a scene and yelled in my face in the lobby of the GF!! All because my father was going to MVMCP with the rest of us(37 people)and bringing his girlfriend.(they are together 6 years and my parents have been divorced 8 years) How this was my fault is beyond me. But it goes beyond that. The day of the vow renewal and the day before she was just impossible. I cannot even get into it anymore because it is so upsetting.

I don't want to not talk to her ever again, I just feel like I need her to realize her behavior was unacceptable. I need to let that go because I know she will never own up to that. I guess I just need a break from her, let the dust settle, KWIM?

I am just waiting for her reaction to us not going there for Thanksgiving and not having Xmas here. She is going to flip out and probably not talk to me ever again. She is like that and can hold a grudge. She once went 2 years without talking to my older sister!

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, you will need to be very clear about your reasons and be very sure that you are ready to be "grudged against" for a period of time. You will need to continue to repeat your reasons, calmly, the 25 times she tries to enagge you further. If she gets angry and does grudge against you, I would still do the same things I always did...send birthday cards, Christmas gifts, whatever you normally do. Make the grudge "her" issue, not yours.

You might also wish to consider some counselling to help you through what will be a difficult and upsetting time for you.

 

[GeorgeG]

You'd think that holidays should bring families together, but in reality, they often cause stress beyond any happiness for anyone. Families tend to put too many demands on certain holidays and at the top of the list comes who must be there and who is excluded. As families grow, all that multiplies and so does the fact that not everyone is going to be happy with what a few controlling members decide is what everyone will do.

For my two cents, holidays are highly overated. For that matter, many families are overated as well. By nature, we all have different likes and dislikes as well as beliefs and priorities. There is nothing wrong with not being together for every holiday if there is something you'd rather do. As people marry into other families, new traditions can be started and some old traditions can be skipped for a year done away with.

We should all enjoy whatever holidays we like the way we choose without ever putting demands on others.

 

[klacey1]

At first, you may feel a bit sad that you are without your family (even though they were HORRIBLE to you), but focus on your children and husband and creating new memories with them. You'll have a wonderful holiday season because you'll be with the ones you love the most!

 

[Lindsay22]

You are doing the right thing and you shouldn't feel bad about that. My family does a huge christmas eve thing. Everyone hates it. It's hot, it's crowded, they've run out of food for several years in a row (yeah, that was fun) and basically it's miserable. I live in FL and the rest of the family is in NJ. I told my mother that we weren't coming home for Christmas. It's too expensive, I'm pregnant and don't feel comfortable in the airport and I finished by saying that I won't go to Christmas Eve. It's not worth the hassle.
Make new traditions with your husband and kids.

Oh, and can you please post pics of the VR?

 

[EthansMom]

You are doing the right thing and you shouldn't feel bad about that. My family does a huge christmas eve thing. Everyone hates it. It's hot, it's crowded, they've run out of food for several years in a row (yeah, that was fun) and basically it's miserable. I live in FL and the rest of the family is in NJ. I told my mother that we weren't coming home for Christmas. It's too expensive, I'm pregnant and don't feel comfortable in the airport and I finished by saying that I won't go to Christmas Eve. It's not worth the hassle.
Make new traditions with your husband and kids.

Oh, and can you please post pics of the VR?

One thing that we did the first year DH and I were married was we insisted we would wake up in our own beds for Christmas morning.... no traveling anywhere for Christmas.

As we had kids, it has proven to be a great tradition... waking up in our own beds, having Christmas morning to ourselves... We will still do some travel around Christmas, but the excuse that "we stay home Christmas Day" has saved us from more than one unwanted incursion on our personal time as a family.