Not bringing all of your kids - am I a bad mom?! LONG! HELP!

[marciemi]

My husband is going to Disney for business in January (3 nights). We had no plans for a family vacation at this point, or actually to return to Disney since our kids all seem a bit old for it. We took a cruise in September and the kids all missed 6 days of school - excessive, I know, but it was supposed to be a one time thing! But the pricing ($150 air), free hotel, discounted convention tickets make the Disney trip very appealing.

We have already decided to take our 9 years old since he hasn't been in 4 years, was 5 the last time we went and too short for several of the rides. He can also afford to miss school. (He's in a gifted program, has skipped a grade, has all A's, and is still in elementary school). Honestly, I think his teacher's attitude is "Hey, one less kid for me to deal with while he's gone" so I don't feel all that guilty. When we were on our cruise, he did all his makeup work, a daily journal, research on all the related topics (dolphins, stingrays, etc.) and turned it all in and she never looked at it.

However, here's the problem. His brothers are 11 and 12 and in middle school. They've already missed a lot obviously, and this would be the first week of the new semester with some new classes and teachers. It would involve missing 3 days of school, with MLK day off. We can't bring both of them since we're staying at the Coronado which doesn't allow you to have 5 in a room. We've decided the 12 year old is not going since he has sports, MEAP (state testing), and took trips in the couple years to New York, Colorado, and Chicago that his brothers didn't do. I feel guilty, but he's also planning on going to ski nationals in Utah this spring, so he's not deprived

I can't decide on my 11 year old. I emailed all his teachers today, asking their opinions. It's just 3 days, he's still young and Disney minded (probably for not much longer), whereas my 12 year old is like "I'm too cool for that stuff". So far what I've heard back from the teachers is along the lines of "we're sure he can handle missing the work. He will, however, miss classroom discussion which is irreplaceable". I did not try to justify this as "educational", simply assured them he'd gladly make up any work before or after. He is a good student (last report card was 3 A's and 3 A+'s) and well-behaved. Our district policy is very lax - I think you have to miss more than 61 days and be working below grade level before they can hold you back so I'm not worried about the official policy, just the teachers' attitudes towards him! I think his younger brother would enjoy having him along - for someone to share it with, play with at the pools, etc.

It was easier to justify, however, leaving 2 home than 1. (They'll stay with Grandma who lives nearby and loves them and they love her so no, they wouldn't be home alone or neglected or anything in case you were worried). It won't be a true family vacation since we'll really only have one evening with DH since he'll be in meetings the entire time and has a company dinner one of the evenings. So it wouldn't be like everyone else would have shared the same things, with DS12 left out. DS12 claims he doesn't care - he'd like to go (hey, it's Disneyworld!), but since he's not going either way, doesn't really care if we take DS11 or not (and seems like he'd prefer if we take him so he's alone with Grandma!)

Questions:

1. Will DS12 be scarred for life if he's the only one who doesn't go?

2. Can DS11 afford to miss 3 more days of school?

3. Will I feel guilty for the rest of my life if I don't bring DS11 since it's probably the last/only chance he'll have to experience Disney while he's still young enough to enjoy it?

4. Will I feel guilty for the rest of my life if I do bring DS11 and leave DS12 home?

5. Do you have any advice to help ease the situation?

THANKS so much for any help, advice, and just for reading this long thread!

 

[lovethattink]

We have an AP and go frequently. Twice, DH and I dropped ds(11) off at school and head over to Epcot for lunch with our infant. Each time we felt guilty, because we saw or did different things and thought, "DS would have sure liked that." We were only there for a few hours, and felt guilty since he was at school working and we were at Epcot having fun. I think if he had been doing something fun or hated going to Epcot, we wouldn't have thought twice. Best wishes in your decision. Guess you'll have to decide which guilt is worse, feeling guilty because they are having a great time and missing classroom discussion, or feeling guilty because you are having a great time and the kids are slaving away in school. If you take the kids out of school, it might be nice to thank the teachers with a souvenier. Since it will be extra work on them to gather assignments, do make-up tests, etc.

 

[DissyLove]

I'd feel bad if my 12 year old wants to go and can't however, as you pointed out, he does have plenty of trips planned. If you can explain it to him this way, then you should not feel guilty.

As far as your 11 year old, you are right, the Disney "magic" may not last much longer, and since he is such a great student, why not reward that one last time? I'd say take whoever you want, and don't feel guilty-just have fun and enjoy it at least this once more! Whatever you do, have fun-

 

[HALEYSMOMMOM]

First of all, I want to say that I am not saying that everyone should feel as I do. I am not judging so please don't judge me. Now then, the way I feel is that I would stay home with all of the kids, because if they all can't go, no one goes. I know that I am in the minority on this, but its just the way I would feel if it were my family. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting one of my childrens feelings. Mine are only 1 and 5 so maybe I will feel differently once they are older.
Also in my family, things like this tend to come up between me and my sisters now that we are adults. My sisters tend to think that I was treated better, spoiled more, etc by our parents when we were growing up ( I am the youngest) It often causes family arguments still and is being carried over into jealousy where our children are concerned. Its almost an everyday thing. So anyway, this could be where my feelings on this subject come from.
Why not plan a family vacation with everyone later on?

 

[Brian Noble]

I'm another one of those killjoys who thinks that my kids should be in school when it is scheduled. Of course, that doesn't mean you should be a killjoy too.

My first answer is actually another question: let's suppose just you and your spouse go now. Your spouse has to be there anyway, and you could take a trip just the two of you. Then, if you planned for it now, and took the ultra-budget approach, could all five of you go down in June, after schools are out but before the crowds and the heat get really intolerable? (With kids in sports, it's easier to go in June than August, since e.g. football starts in Michigan in the first week of August with the new playoff format.) You could stay offsite in a suite (or even a condo) for about the same cost as a single value room, and have plenty of room for the kids. If you plan far enough in advance, you can fly down for a good bit less than $200 per person, or you could even imagine driving.

The reason I suggest this is: (a) I think it can be healthy for the parents to take infrequent, short trips away from the kids, (b) I don't see any way to get all five of you into CS, and (c) 12 year olds are well known for putting up a brave face about being "too cool" for something, but often are glad that no one calls their bluff. Plus, at 12 or 13, he's probably old enough to "strike off on his own" for a few hours in the park, and there is almost nothing in the universe that a 12 year old might like more than "being on his own" at the Magic Kingdom. When I was that age, I would take the afternoon away from the rest of my family mired in Fantasyland (two little brothers and thrill-averse parents) while I went to Tomorrowland to power-ride Space Mountain and flirt with the other tweens in line.

However, if this doesn't work for you, ask yourself whether or not the 11 and 12 year old are thrillseekers. If so, take the youngest one to WDW in January, and take the two older ones to Cedar Point this summer. Our family are amusement and theme park addicts, and while it's a different experience than Disney, Cedar Point is a day of serious thrills that is well worth it for the teens and tweens in your life.

Whatever you do, you're not a "bad Mom" as long as you are thinking about what is best for the kids, and it sounds like you are.

 

[alicenwonder99]

Personally, I wouldn't go if I couldn't bring all of my children. If you were tagging along with dh on a business trip to Cleveland, that's one thing...but to Disneyworld???!!!

We were talking about going to WDW the first week of Dec 2005, but decided against it because my oldest will be a senior in high school and she just couldn't miss those weeks before midterm finals. So, that's why we're taking our trip in 2 weeks: our school district doesn't go back to school until Jan 10.

Anyway, I just wouldn't want to go to WDW without all of my children...it wouldn't seem the same and I would probably be spending the whole time wishing the whole family was there.

Once my oldest is in college, that may be a different story...but I will probably still plan our Disney vacations around her college schedule...lol.

Of course, you do what you think is right. But if it were me, I would just pull my child out of school for those 3 days. And I'd bring the 12 year old, too.

Mary

 

[minkydog]

Now then, the way I feel is that I would stay home with all of the kids, because if they all can't go, no one goes. I know that I am in the minority on this, but its just the way I would feel if it were my family. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting one of my childrens feelings. Why not plan a family vacation with everyone later on?

I'm in your boat. I would not take 2 and leave the other one at home. My kids get along great, but they would definitely feel left out if I "picked one"--it would seem (to them) like playing favorites. My 18yo is way beyond the Disney magic, but you better believe he wants to be invited. If I left him and took his little sister, he would certainly take offense. If you don't want to hear the story of "the time you took Jimmy and left me behind" for the rest of your life, you better sit this one out.


Cathy--mom to John,18; Eleni,11; and Christian, 9

 

[marciemi]

Thanks for the responses so far - even if they're not exactly what I want to hear! Another thing to throw into the equation is how my kids do (or don't as the case may be) get along. They don't! Especially with all 3 of them, and especially with the oldest. He's really a "everything has to be his way" type of kid and I'm really afraid would ruin the fun for the others (me definitely included). This doesn't mean I don't like him/don't want to be with him - if I were picking someone to go with myself, I'd choose him because he's very intelligent, interesting, and mature. It would be like going with another adult and we'd have a great time. We also wouldn't do the kids stuff that his brothers will enjoy.

But once you get him with his brothers, all bets are off. We just returned from a ski weekend and I swear he spent the entire weekend whining that it was too cold to ski, his brother sat near me more on the chairlift more times, his brother wouldn't let him play his (brand new) gameboy game, etc., etc. Even he admits if he came along everyone would fight. We put up with this on the cruise, and came home with the attitude "never again!". This is why we plan things for him to do one on one - so everyone has a much better time! If he goes to Utah for ski nationals with just Dad - both will have a blast. We're also considering taking him on a cruise after 8th grade graduation (a year from June) - again we'd have a great time. But adding him in on this vacation will effectively ruin it for everyone. Trust me, I know. I know him, we've dealt with this situation over and over! As guilty as I feel leaving him, I feel more guilty bringing him and making his brothers (and me) not have a good time. Yes he will be home and going to school, but he will also have the undivided attention of his grandparents who will probably take him out every night and are already planning what they can do Monday (MLK day) when he's off. No it won't be Disneyworld, but it will be fun, and probably, more enjoyable than fighting with his brothers. And yes, I know for many years we'll hear "but I didn't get to go to Disney so you should (buy me/take me/etc.) _____!"

So my real issue is my 11 year old. I did hear back from another teacher to advised me to definitely take this opportunity. So that's 1 in favor, 2 neutral!

As far as just me going, I don't think DW would be much fun by myself. DH literally is in meetings from 7am until 6pm daily, with one evening blocked out as well. So we'll see him the first day (plan to go to Epcot with him that evening), and Tuesday evening (hopefully he can come along with us to a park) and that's it. So what would I do with myself all day? I'd like to have someone to enjoy the parks with! We also went on a cruise alone about a year ago (first time away from the kids!) and he does get the opportunity to do many business trips that I'd go on (Savannah, San Antonio, Charleston) without the kids. But I feel I have to bring the 9 year old, and am leaning towards the 11 year old even though you all think I'm a terrible person now !

As far as Cedar Point - we're the ultimate CP family! We've even been featured in the Detroit News twice in articles about CP. Our best year we spent 33 days there that summer and often get Six Flags passes (not since they're not 6 Flags anymore in Ohio, but next year CP passes will include Geauga Lake) and Paramount (Kings Island, Canada's Wonderland) passes as well. So even my 9 year old has been on Top Thrill Dragster more times than he can count! He's so excited about RNRCoaster that I'm trying to prepare him that it won't be quite as fast or thrilling as he's expecting!

Also my 12 year old would NOT go off on his own at WDW. I guarantee, no way, no how, would he. He just wouldn't. I can't even imagine it! Maybe I'm just an over protective parent, but I can't! Even if I could, I don't think he'd have any fun by himself. I wouldn't let him go off on his own at CP, and we practically live there. And I really doubt that he'd want to. Possibly would I let him go off with one of his brothers - splitting us up? (and reducing fighting). Maybe - but I just don't feel comfortable with it. But again that's just MHO. I think things have changed since I was a kid and where I might have been able to (although my parents never would have allowed it), it just seems different now! (Does every parent say that?)

Please continue to respond - I'm not discounting anything, but you're making me feel more guilty I have to buy tickets (airline) for the 11 year old probably today or tomorrow so I'll let you know what I decide. But I'll talk to the 12 year old one more time before then. I think he's fine with it now, but might feel differently as it gets closer! Thanks everyone!

 

[jkovick]

Why not just make it a Mom & Dad trip only? Kids have long memories for things that are "fair" or "not fair". Especially if oldest son has some issues with getting along, that will add fuel to the fire!

 

[Mom to Jordan]

Another person that says if they can not all go, none of them would go. I have a 12 year old and he would be crushed to be left even if he pretended otherwise and put up that brave front. If the boys have relationship issues now, I think this would make it worse. I too would just stay home with all of them or leave them with grandparents and make it a couple thing. We do not do WDW without DS BUT if we did, I admit I would ENJOY time alone at WDW.
Good luck.
Jordan's mom

 

[HM]

I have two kids. One year I took one to WDW for a long weekend and then the next year I took the other. They didn't feel left out at all, knowing that the other one would have a chance at alone time with Mommy when it was their turn.

We made the decision not to pull our kids out of school for WDW once they were out of Elementary school. So, if I were in your shoes, I would take the youngest with you. Then plan something fun for each of the other kids are another time.

-HM

 

[luvsTink]

We ran into this dilemma recently. We are going on the Wonder next month and since we are paying for all that airfare anyway (great justification, don't you think!) we decided to stay at the parks a few days. My oldest dd (17) is in a special study program where she goes to a college campus for a few weekends over the course of a year and the program culminates with a trip to England. Well, one of the weekends coincided with our "extra" days at Disney. I struggled for awhile until I realized that all of my children will indeed have different expereinces and it is ok if we don't all share them all the time. She is sad of course because she loves WDW, but she also recognizes that she is going to ENGLAND and none of us get to go.

IF it was a once in a lifetime thing I might feel differently, but if you've been before and/or are certain you will go again I would not worry about scaring anyone...especially if you have gained their agreement (which it sounds like you have for the 12 year old.)

Good luck with whatever you decide and I think you should listen to whatever your own "gut" is telling you. For us, it will be ok for the oldest to not be there with us.

Anne

 

[F1Julie]

First off, I have to say the OP's mention of MEAP brought back memories. I grew up in Michigan and haven't heard that acronym for a long time. Anyway, back to the issue, I'd ask the 11 year old if he wants to go and how it would affect school. He sounds like a smart, responsible kid. He'll make the right choice for himself. As for your 12 year old, from what I've read, I wouldn't feel guilty about not taking him. If he gets to go on a ski trip with just dad, that makes up for missing Disney. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Sandyincanada]

My daughter was 17 and she had the choice of going to Europe with school or coming with us (me, DH and DS) to Cuba. She choose Europe but the whole we were in Cuba, I felt guilty. We've always had family vacations and it just didn't feel right without her.

Your kids are alot younger and soooo close in age. For myself, it would be all or none, specially to WDW. I dont agree that they lose the "magic", teens may not want to ride the kiddie rides anymore or see characters but most love it all the same.

good luck with your decision

 

[disneyfreakjackie]

I have four DD's. I have to admit, I have gone to WDW without all of my DD's a couple of times. In December of 2000, DD#2/9 yrs old qualified for a National Cheer Competition in WDW and DD#1/11 yrs old did not. DH and I decided that there was no way I could go and not take DD#1 because she competed also (on a different team) and didn't qualify (she felt bad enough). So me (coach), DD#2 and DD#1 went (my MIL also joined us). Everytime I spoke to my DH and my two youngest on the phone, DD4 and DD5, I cried my eyes out!

I left three out of my four children home during a December 2001 trip. DD#2's/10 yrs old team qualified again for the National Cheer Competition in WDW. Because the six of us were going in April 2002 the decision was made at the beginning of the season, that whoever wins, goes. I stuck to it and DD#2 and I as her coach went. (Because DD#2 competed and I coach our trips are paid for through fundraising!)

In 2003 DD#2/12yrs old qualified again, this time along with DD#3/8 yrs old! All six of us took the trip!! We had a trip planned for the week after Thanksgiving anyway, we just delayed it a week!

Finally, DH and I decided to get away to WDW by ourselves in May 2004. We left all four children home with my DSis (eight days)!! We had a GREAT time, we won't do that again though!

So, don't feel guilty no matter what you decide. Your oldest will probably have a ball being an "only child" with Grandma during the time you and the other boys are gone!

HAVE A GREAT TIME!

 

[skiwee1]

My last 5 trips to WDW have only been with my now 5 y/o. I left the now 16 y/o home since he was 12. He doesn't like WDW and hasn't since he was about 10. I wasn't about to drag him there when that was the last place in the world he wanted to be. If the oldest truly doesn't want to go then ship him off to grandmom's. Personally I wouldn't take any of them! I love going places with just DH too so this would be a most memorable one! Being it Disneyworld is even better!

 

[marciemi]

First of all I'd like to thank everyone for all their support, help, suggestions, and ideas. I did speak to the rest of DS11's teachers and they wholeheartedly supported the trip, so it came down to 2 of 6 (only one core academic subject) who were lukewarm and the rest supportive.

I came up with a simple solution to all this. I left it up to DS12 whether he wanted to come or not, pointing out that he'd have a good time with Grandma if he stayed home and a good time with Dad if he went to Utah. Also that if he came to DW, he wouldn't go to Utah. We discussed it for a long time and he REALLY didn't know what to decide. It came down to he wanted to go to both and I explained that just wasn't possible. Brought DS9 into the conversation who adamantly didn't want DS12 along.

Talked to DH who unfortunately is away on business and he decided that if DS12 wanted to come, it really wasn't up to DS9 and we could justify better to him that he had to share the trip than to justify to DS12 that we'd left him when he wanted to come. Talked more and DS12 said he just couldn't decide - he wanted to do both. Asked my recommendation and I told him to just come with us - it would be a sure thing (Utah would depend on him qualifying, airfare costs, etc) and he wouldn't feel left out (none of us have ever been to Utah so not going again isn't a big deal. His brothers being all excited before and after Disney might!) So he said he'd want to come with us!

Now the details. We decided an easy solution to the Coronado Springs problem comes from the fact that we're traveling with a group of approximately 100 rooms. 3 other people from DH's office here are attending, none of them with spouses, each of them with their own room. DH is confident one of them would just list DS12 as being in their room to get him a key/early entry privileges, etc. although he would actually sleep in our room. I wouldn't try to sneak 5 in normally, and really am not, since he would be listed and "paid for" since the company is paying a per room price whether they have 1 or 4 people in them. But he (or one of his brothers - it's 3 nights, there are 3 kids!) can sleep on the floor like they do the majority of the time we're in hotels anyways.

We decided to split up as much as we can to alleviate fighting. Tentative plan is instead of all of us going to EPCOT the first night, DH will take DS12 and I'll take the others to the MK. I'd be with all 3 kids the next morning at MGM, then in the evening again DH would take DS12 this time to MK while we did EPCOT. Again together Wed. morning at MK, but we discussed letting DS12 and 11 go off together and explore a bit on their own (with them and us having cell phones and frequent check in periods). All together at AK that afternoon. Then Thursday I'm sure Blizzard Beach or Disney Quest (whichever we choose, weather permitting) won't be a problem since everyone can do their own thing.

I've already had a long talk with DS12 about what will be expected of him and that if he doesn't follow the rules (which he agreed we'd write down into a contract) he will immediately leave the line and wait outside the exit for us. We discussed that he wouldn't say rides were stupid, no matter what he thought or criticize others for enjoying them. I also assured DS9 that we would not allow DS12 to ruin his vacation (he's still leary of this!) And still DS11 knows nothing of any of this - we'll tell him tomorrow evening when DH returns! Hope he's excited!

I bought the plane tickets this evening for both of them and now only have to change our rental car (the economy 2 door just isn't going to work for a family of 5). I'll also email DS12's teachers tonight as well.

So your opinions really did make a difference. I REALLY had NO plans of bringing DS12, but just felt like I'd feel too guilty the more I read. I also appreciate those people who supported that decision, and I also feel DS12 would have been fine staying with Grandma and then going to Utah instead. DS9 is the one who's really getting the short end of the stick here, but since he's the youngest, most likely he'll get to do more as his brothers get older and busier. I know he was kind of looking forward to just having time with mom and dad, but think his main focus is on getting to ride RockNRollercoaster!

Thanks again everyone for your help! I was so stressed out about this that I was just doubled over with stomach pains all afternoon. I've never gotten myself that upset before and once we all talked it through and worked it out and everyone was happy (well accepting at least) I felt so much better! Now we just have to start preparing and packing! I've never planned a Disney trip before less than a year in advance so less than a month is a real challenge!

 

[Sandyincanada]

I think you made a great decision on allowing your 12 yr old a choice. They grow up soooooooo fast. I think the only time my kids didn't fight was when we were on vacation, lol. If I made you feel guilty at all, I apologize. My DD (now 18) just move across the country and I'm not dealing with it very well yet. But its made me realize that every family vacation is to be treasured cause before you know it, they're all grown up.

Hope you have a great time....at least, if your 12yr old acts up you can say "well, it was your decision to come" hehee.

 

[JessetheCowgirl]

I too, am glad you left it up to the 12 year old to decide. I know my feelings would have been hurt at that age if I weren't asked to come.

I hope you all have a wonderful trip!!!

 

[Brian Noble]

marciemi: sounds like you made a great decision.

We'll see you on the midways in Sandusky! I have my season pass certs sitting in my desk as we speak; unfortunately, we have to renew in person as my youngest is still sub-48", and can't renew by mail. However, we're thinking about making a Castaway Bay trip this spring to see the new waterpark (or maybe the new Kalahari park if it is open by then), and zip up the peninsula for pictures. We don't get 33 days, but usually right around 20, plus visits to GL, SFGAm, MiA, and I'm lobbying for a trip to the Winter Coaster Solace at Knott's in March, and a trip to Holiday world in early June.

Last summer was thin on Point trips, because we were busy moving, but I plan to make up for that this summer!