New Book: Moms should work

[Starr W.]

This one drives me crazy so I have to comment - sorry to hijack. When I was PTA president I took this complaint very seriously and we moved meetings to the evening from right after school because of a few vocal people hoping to accomodate more of the people who worked during the day. Do you know how many more people came? One. While we were pleased to have her, it wasn't worth losing all those who no longer came because it was in the evening. We lost most of the teachers, many of the SAHMs, and it was less convenient for most of us. Fortunately this mom saw the problem and continued to actively volunteer despite the fact we had to move the meetings back after several tries. It was a simple case of doing what WORKED. It was especially disappointing that the ones who complained never showed up despite repeated friendly invitations. Not everything is a conspiracy.

Actually I am an SAHM, but with a pm preschooler(and they really frown on bringing little ones). Our elementary schools were redistrited for this school year. Our previous school had the meetings in the evening and had child care available(for preschool age and up). Alot more people showed up at the old school(alot of dads were involved too, actually the president is a guy).

I am active in the current parents club but don't go to the meetings as youngest has swim or tumbling class during that time. It seems the "leadership" is set up of women who have all school age kids, and to get to that position you'll have to wait until then. Our one neighbor is very upset as she has a toddler and had been very involved at our old school and she was rather cold shouldered.

 

[mrsltg]

The reason this book hits a nerve is because the premise is correct. Giving up a career can be financial suicide. HOWEVER, as long as you are aware of what you are doing when you make a decision, as long as you have thought it through and come up with alternatives - it's ok to make that decision. A SAHM who has thought through the "what if's" has made a choice that fits her. I don't begrudge her one bit. There are risks associated with giving up an income. Ok.

I am a WOHM. I made a choice/s years ago that I would not stay at home when I had kids. My decision was financial. My parents divorced when I was young (2) and if my mother didn't have a full time job we would have been in trouble - and we're talking about an amicable divorce where my father paid child support every month. My mother stressed the importance of my education and told me (over and over) to be sure that I could support my children regardless of the presence of my husband. I took it to heart and so I work. I make less than my husband but if tomorrow he were to go *poof* (God forbid) for any reason, my girls and I would land on our feet. This security is important to me and I am passing along the same message to my girls. Again, I made a choice that suits me. It involves sacrifice. I also love my job and look forward to ramping it up as my husband prepares for retirement in a few years.

As far as paid maternity/paternity benefits, I don't think there should be any law. I think it's ridiculous to suggest the government ie- society at large should finance any person's reproductive habits. When looking for a job I chose a company with good benefits. Again, I had a CHOICE, and I exercised it. At this point my company will give me 6 months paid leave. I have put in the time with the company and they value my contribution enough to extend this offer to me. Again, this is a choice, and one that requires work to achieve. My dh took off a month after each of our children were born. He was paid, but only because he saved his sick and leave time. Once again, a choice was made to forego vacations for ahile in order to save. I have a VERY hard time with the "government should mandate" baloney.

 

[allison443]

The reason this book hits a nerve is because the premise is correct. Giving up a career can be financial suicide. HOWEVER, as long as you are aware of what you are doing when you make a decision, as long as you have thought it through and come up with alternatives - it's ok to make that decision. A SAHM who has thought through the "what if's" has made a choice that fits her. I don't begrudge her one bit. There are risks associated with giving up an income. Ok.

Great post!! Unfortunately it seems like the book mentioned in the OP doesn't recognize that SAHM can ever be a good choice after considering the options, fianancial implications, etc. I think that's why SAHM get upset.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I really see a lot of condescending responses towards SAHMs. Why would anyone think that my brain has turned to mush because I chose to stay at home to raise my children? Since DH and I consider this to be the best way for our family (and since we are financially able to do so) why does that decision bother anyone else?

I think it was the best decision we ever made. Especially since the older ones are grown and doing well I feel that it was the best decision for OUR family.

I don't think my DH is more likely to cheat since I'm a SAHM, I think that goes to the person's character, not the family arrangements.

I liked that my kids went to pre-school, but not full time day care. Other families have other arrangements that work for them. Why does anyone feel the need to make themselves superior by putting down my choices?

 

[mrsltg]

Great post!! Unfortunately it seems like the book mentioned in the OP doesn't recognize that SAHM can ever be a good choice after considering the options, fianancial implications, etc. I think that's why SAHM get upset.

I agree! No one wants to hear from a stranger that their decision was a bad one. Especially if that stranger has no idea what the individual situation is. However, to be an author you need to make generalizations. There was a thread on this board a few weeks ago about SAHM and how do they fund retirement. I asked, out of curiousity, not out of spite, if the ladies who are sahm had planned for what if's. I had never heard of this book at that point and this was something I was curious about. Most responses were friendly but one was just, well, not so friendly . It was a genuine question and one I would think would be easily answered. I guess I hit a nerve, though. Oh well!

 

[momto2girls]

I really see a lot of condescending responses towards SAHMs. Why would anyone think that my brain has turned to mush because I chose to stay at home to raise my children? Since DH and I consider this to be the best way for our family (and since we are financially able to do so) why does that decision bother anyone else?

I think it was the best decision we ever made. Especially since the older ones are grown and doing well I feel that it was the best decision for OUR family.

I don't think my DH is more likely to cheat since I'm a SAHM, I think that goes to the person's character, not the family arrangements.

I liked that my kids went to pre-school, but not full time day care. Other families have other arrangements that work for them. Why does anyone feel the need to make themselves superior by putting down my choices?

I agree with this post and feel the same way. Being a SAHM is absolutely a decision that I don't question. It is what works for our family.

Actually, my husband's career has been able to become as successful as it has because I am a SAHM. If I wasn't at home, he wouldn't have been able to take the travel assignments he did to get to the position he is in. It would have been too much for our family for him to travel and have me working and trying to manage everything at home as well. He has been able to concentrate on his career because he knows that I'm handling everything at home.

And I agree that being a SAHM does not mean that your husband will cheat. It definitely has to do with the character of the person instead. I know of several acts of infidelity that have resulted because a husband felt that his wife worked too much or made too much money and was threatened by her career. So, let's not paint generalizations with such a broad brush.

 

[islandmum]

When we had our first baby we had no option - I had to work 3 days a week from when he was 6 months old. I HATED it with a passion - all I wanted to do was spend all my time with my kids until they go to school.

Fortunately we emigrated, DH secured a fab job and means I dont have to work - now we have another and I relish spending these important first years with them. I am happy - therefore they are too.

I know many women who arent happy being at home and when they reurn to work their kids flourish in childcare as with an unhappy frustrated mum at home it was doing no good for them.

For me - I am retraining at home so when the boys are in full time school I can work mornings only (something my last career could not do) and in school holidays I can work from home via PC.

Everyone has different views on what to do ... me, I adore being a SAHM, my kids benefit from my happiness and relaxation, but I do see the flipside and each family has to do whats best FOR THEM.

the worst situation .... how we were - me HAVING to work when I hated doing it and was desperately unhappy leaving my boy - he picked up on that.

I'm no supermum (I dont bake, I'm not a craft person) - I just do the best I can each day to bring up happy, healthy, respectful and polite kids.

and at the end of the day I throw them to their father and I go somewhere quiet for an hour or 2!!

 

[Colleen27]

But part of the opt-out thing is that a lot of woman DO quit because there isn't enough flexibility in their jobs.

For many women, a flexible schedule makes all the difference regarding whether it is worth it or not to work.

In my last job, I worked a good 50 hours or more a week. But I had a lot of flexibility setting those hours, so I could get off when I needed for special events at my son's preschool, for example.

It isn't just women, though. My DH has changed jobs several times since we had kids, looking for a company that wouldn't expect 60 or 70 hour weeks, late evenings, Saturdays, etc., but in his field that is virtually impossible to find. He is self-employed now because he couldn't find that job; he'd hire in with one company after another with the promise of a reasonable schedule, then end up working the same hours he did at the last place. And he wasn't even looking to be home after school or to be able to take off if the kids are sick. He just wanted to be able to help coach their sports teams and have dinner with them more nights than not.

The language often used to describe these choices does bother me too sometimes. When a man leaves the corporate workd because of a lack of flexibility, he is proactive and assertive and making his own way. When a woman leaves the corporate culture because of a lack of flexibility, she is forced out. I'm not buying it. I think the pressures are there for both genders, and that some have fewer options than others because of skill set, education, and experience.

 

[Colleen27]

And another thing I've witnessed personally several times, and we've all seen posted on these boards many times (although it's going to be seen as a wildly unpopular opinion): Successful men want their equals, and they often can't see the SAHM as their equal....so they drift to co-workers and business acquaintances.

Personally, I think that's a cop out, and the men who claim they stray becuse they want an equal would just throw out another excuse (probably that DW was too tired or busy to take care of the relationship) if the wife worked. Cheating is a reflection on the character of the cheater, not on the lifestyle choices of the faithful spouse, and earning power is not a measure of equality or personal worth.