Visiting Jesusland: a LeftyPlanet guidebook
Jesusland, also known as the United Lands of Jesus, can be a wonderful place to warm your proverbial soul Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall.
Liberals who would like to explore nearby Jesusland are welcome; however, much as you would before visiting a new country it is important for the godless and immoral to become familiar with the customs and ways of the right wing wackos.
Country Description:
The citizens of Jesusland, known as "Conservatives" are generally a peaceful and industrious people. They pay low taxes, have a President that terrorists fear and shockingly their government thinks those Jesus-freaks who earned their own money (all of them!) know best how to spend it.
While the citizens of Jesusland may seem loving and accepting of your wanton ways, keep in mind these folks are a nation of riflemen. And women. (Sorry, misandrists! No womyn allowed!)
Speaking of women -- the female Conservatives are rumored to be the finest women around.
In stark contrast to those who are liberal, or liberaltarians -- the women of the right bathe regularly, sometimes more than once a day! In addition to smelling nice, the female citizens often wear makeup and will grant you the privilege of opening a door for them. Women in Jesusland shave and/or wax and patchouli is considered (by both sexes) to be a weapon of mass destruction.
Entry/exit Requirements:
No passport is required to enter Jesusland however you must be wearing a St. Christopher medal, a vial of holy water, and be equipped with an Ann Coulter book or picture of Karl Rove (wallet size is fine). If you lack any of these items and need to cross the border, saying the Lord's Prayer while going through security checkpoints will suffice. if you don't know the Lord's Prayer -- which is safe to assume -- learn it. In Jesusland you will actually be required to pray before you eat!
No vaccines or health certificates are required to enter Jesusland. But not to worry, there are no outbreaks of trouser rash, or oozing syphilitic sores in Jesusland-genitals as everyone waits until marriage before having sex.
Whatever you do -- do not expect to pick up women at the bar around closing time. Joy in Jesusland is found among values, morals and JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR, not between a hairy feminist's legs.
Safety and Security:
Unless you are Bill or Hilary Clinton, lefties visiting the western holy land will be safe. Crime, drugs and homosexuals (except Dick Cheney's daughter, who is a lesbian) are all non-existent in God's country.
Should you find yourself in an immoral bind, there is a Lib**** Embassy in every state of Jesusland. At the Embassy, you can find clean needles, welfare checks, imported hookers, , apple cider enemas, herbs, food stamps, socialized medicine and other liberal entitlements.
If you are a billionaire limousine liberal and pay less than 12% federal taxes (or are named Teresa Heinz Kerry), please request the Embassy concierge who can provide whatever your rich, wide *** wants. Free of charge.
Medical Facilities and Other Health Information:
Medical care is excellent in Jesusland. However, if you are in your eight month of pregnancy and plan to prematurely harvest your uterus while on vacation, please note -- these lunatics actually refuse to kill babies.
Likewise, if you are seeking embryonic stem cell cures, those are not available in the Lord Almighty's land. Embryonic stem cells come from dead babies. Unlike the United States of Canada, babies in Jesusland have MORE rights than animals. Someday these savages will learn!
Traffic and Road Conditions:
They drive on the RIGHT. Be prepared to yield RIGHT of way, RIGHT to life, the RIGHT to bear firearms and the RIGHT to kill for oil.
That's right, Jesusland is all about oil, so be sure to rent a large vehicle to avoid getting stuck in the undercarriage of one of their 18-wheeler "family" cars.
Think of it this way -- sure you will temporarily abandon your Prius -- but you can have your picture taken behind the wheel of a gigantic truck. Family and friends will marvel. "Look!" you will say, "That speck behind the wheel? That's me in Jesusland!"
Please, enjoy yourself while visiting Jesusland. And remember -- even James Carville is suggesting the left be "born again."
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