Needing to vent...

[emer95]

I think you and your dh deserve to celebrate your next anniversary with an overnight getaway, and she should take your 4 kids!

 

[Bluestars]

Thanks everyone! You're all correct...bottom line is listen to your gut, or don't ignore the red flags. If I was concerned enough to ASK if she was ready, I should have known it really wasn't so.

As for saying something to the friend, I guess I should look at what I hope to accomplish. It will accomplish nothing. I was used, they had their cruise, their kid was miserable (at night anyway...during the day she's just fine). But going forward, NEVER AGAIN!

Have a great day!

I think you were used. It was up to the parent to do a trial run at somebody's house to make sure her daughter was over her issues instead of hoping for the best with you and assuring you that she was fine.

I would just let it go and never do that again.

 

[PatsGirl]

I think you and your dh deserve to celebrate your next anniversary with an overnight getaway, and she should take your 4 kids!

 

[ronandannette]

I think you and your dh deserve to celebrate your next anniversary with an overnight getaway, and she should take your 4 kids!

OP says she and her DH never leave their kids, not that they don't because they can't find a babysitter. Personally I think "couples-time" is vital, but not everybody feels the same way. It's doubtful that she would even think of asking the friend to do this.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

I think your "friends" acted in a very selfish way towards you and even their own daughter. A responsible parent would never consider leaving their child even if they only suspected a problem, which she did. Why did her adult son not keep her? NONE of this was your fault or your responsibility to make sure their child would be okay beforehand. You asked and she said everything was fine, there was no reason for you not to take her word for it.
It seems to me that for them it was "cruise at all costs".

The fact that they never phoned you when they found out about their daughter crying and you having to spend the night on their sofa speaks volumes to their knowing that this might have happened and feeling nervous to speak to you after the fact. Your feelings are totally justified! These are not friends I would be looking to spend any time with in the future.

 

[dakcp2001]

I think they need to watch your 4 so you can have a nice night out to dinner. See what excuse they try to pull.

 

[hereyago]

OP, your kindness has been mistaken for weakness, that is wrong.

I do wonder why she didn't just stay home with the siblings to begin with? Because there is NO WAY I would have left my kids, my house at 3 am to passify a 11yo. Once she started that mess, either her oldest sibling would be coming to get her or I would have taken her home early and tell the younger sibling that she would be staying home for the weekend, then text her parents to say you cannot have your house disrupted by all that.

 

[TLuvsD]

When your friend asks how it went, tell her the truth--very badly. If she doesn't ask, tell her anyway. No need for a huge confrontation, just information---"miss 11 is NOT ready for sleepovers, she was so upset I had to leave home at 3am". See what she says/does/offers (ie I'm so sorry, let me watch your kids next Saturday night so you guys can go to dinner, etc).

And don't babysit the kid again. At least not until she has had several successful overnights with other people you know and trust to tell you the truth.

 

[mom2rtk]

When your friend asks how it went, tell her the truth--very badly. If she doesn't ask, tell her anyway. No need for a huge confrontation, just information---"miss 11 is NOT ready for sleepovers, she was so upset I had to leave home at 3am". See what she says/does/offers (ie I'm so sorry, let me watch your kids next Saturday night so you guys can go to dinner, etc).

And don't babysit the kid again. At least not until she has had several successful overnights with other people you know and trust to tell you the truth.

She's not going to ask how it went.

 

[dakcp2001]

She's not going to ask how it went.

Yea, she already knows and couldn't give a rats patooty. She isnt going to ask, nor ever offer a favor. She knew how this would end, she didn't and probably still doesn't care. We all know people like this. Takers. They find the givers and suck them dry.

 

[brockash]

I would definitely say something to them BUT I also think you are partially to blame, you knew the history, you should have done a test run before they left for the cruise so you could know for sure whe was truly over the sleepover anxiety.

I agree. I think you should obviously say something, as in you dd got sick and that you guys had to sleep at their house etc., but I'm not sure what else you would say??

I also think that you are to blame for this as well. Honestly, it kinda sounds like you really didn't want to watch her to begin with (with or without her night/sleeping issues). It's fine to feel that way, but then you should have said no right from the start.

For the most part, I'd just let this go and never agree to watch her overnight again.

 

[MinnieLovesMickey12]

I'm curious why they didn't just leave the 11 yr old home with the 18 yr old to begin with. I have never met an 18 yr old that couldn't be trusted to look after an 11 yr old unless they are developmentally delayed or very very immature.

The parents screwed you over and there is no way I would let that slide without saying something.

 

[eliza61]

Bottom line the friend "used you" and that does stink.

Instead of going "guns blazing" I would take this as a "life lesson" in that if you know there is an issue do not expect things to be different.

As I have gotten older I realized that I have to be the one to recognize "reality" and then put it into practice.

If I know there is "an issue" and I was not able deal with an issue, then I have to have to speak up and say no or do a "test run" first as PP stated.

Apply this philosophy to the rest of your life. It will never steer you wrong.

Op, first leave off about how you and your dh spent your anniversary that's really not important.
Neither mention the fact that dad never texted you. You can't control other peoples actions.

I would probably just mentioned to your friend that her daughter definitely is NOT ready to sleep over.

Did they mention this to their 11 year old. I'm thinking she must have said some thing to her parents, if she is this fearful of sleeping outside the house.

yes, they definitely used you but you survived so I wouldnt go in "guns a blazing"

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd chalk it up to a life lesson and the kid would never sleep at my house again.

Next time they ask, the answer is "Sorry, but the last time Snowflake slept at my house she got very upset. I don't want ot put her or me through that again."

 

[Kellydelly]

I am curious what you did the other one or two nights with this girl to keep her from freaking out?

 

[SLK1]

OP here...an update:

The girl has been absolutely FINE the whole weekend and at night, around 11, I take her to her house until one of the brothers comes home (around 11:30) and then I go home and in the morning, I go pick her up. It's not ideal, but it's better than her throwing up every two seconds because she is all nerves.

Just fyi, the older brother (18) works so wasn't able to watch her and I'm not sure how "watchful" he is.

Someone mentioned my DH and I going away without kids...we just never do. We feel it would be a HUGE inconvenience on someone else and if something were to go wrong, we would feel horrible. As DH says, "There is plenty of time to travel alone when they're grown and out of the house"...not sure I agree 100% with that thinking, but I do enjoy a trip with girlfriends every once in a while!

I've decided to remain very factual and not emotional about the whole thing. Part of my initial frustration was sheer exhaustion. Now I will tell the mom that no, she's NOT ready to spend the weekend away from you as she makes herself physically ill, and next time maybe a grandma or someone can come. And of course, I will NEVER do this again! BTW, I do believe sleepovers (even one-night) are the root of all evil!!!!

 

[portia9]

That poor girl. I hope they are prepared for the work that will need to be done for the trauma that their anxiety ridden daughter has gone through. Did they even consult any kind of professional about doing this? This is not just a normal level of homesickness so to leave and not deal with those issues borders on negligent.

I wouldn't say that for any 11 year old but this is a child that clearly has some issues and the parents leaving cannot have helped that situation.

 

[disykat]

I think being very factual when talking to her is a good idea, but one of those facts is that she owes you big time! I'm glad you were able to work it out so she could sleep at home with her siblings. The parents should have planned that in the first place since they clearly knew it might be an issue despite telling you otherwise.

I would not leave my kids with someone whose judgement I don't trust though, so IMO the idea of leaving your kids with her as payback is not a good one!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That poor girl. I hope they are prepared for the work that will need to be done for the trauma that their anxiety ridden daughter has gone through. Did they even consult any kind of professional about doing this? This is not just a normal level of homesickness so to leave and not deal with those issues borders on negligent.

I wouldn't say that for any 11 year old but this is a child that clearly has some issues and the parents leaving cannot have helped that situation.

Not sure about negligence, however we had a girl in my troop with this same issue when we were in GS's. The mom never TOLD US.

She made it through a few times of sleepover at places. We sat mom down and told her that she really needed to get her dd some help.

Then we were planning the BIG camping trip, which was a bit of a drive. We told mom in no uncertain terms that her dd was only welcome to come camping if she either came with us or if she would pick her dd up if she started freaking out.

I think she went for the day and the mom picked her dd up at a decent time.

The mom was not happy with us, however it is not anyone else's responsibility to figure out a severe anxiety issue. That requires a professional.

The girls really tried to help her but in the end she couldn't do it. Later on she did get her dd help. This was in the 90's when psychiatric issues were not talked about so much.

 

[kacaju]

I had a child with a sleepover fear..it is not fun and she always wanted to go...just her fears took a hold over her at night and she would flip out. AND she was just fine if she was with us so until she tried to sleep over somewhere I could have told you she got over it too. I had to take her to therapy. She actually had a fear of vomit...which she would work herself up over...if someone coughed at a sleepover she would think they would get sick and she would flip out. (found this out after weeks of therapy)

If this is a true friend of your I would sit down with her and BEG her to get this child help.. I know for some.. the thought of putting their child in therapy is the worse thing ever and so many people think *she will out grow* this silly fear...but if she made herself sick.. she needs help. Try talking with the mom and see if this child can get the help she needs.