Need to vent

[livie1205]

ok,lets start with I am a stepmom...my dh and I have 3 kids (his,mine and ours) I think of all the kids as my kids. My dh ex said today she wants us to put dss12 in private school.My dh has never missed a CS pament and we buy all the clothes,health care,school stuff and I take him and pay for all his drs visits.The private school is 10,000 a year and that does not include bus,lab fees,lunch ,uniforms or books.He goes to a A school right now.My dh is not made by the divorce agreement to pay for private school.She says we should give up things so he can go.
Let me also say we live on a tight budget all year and the ONLY extra things we do is take the kids on vacation...we dont go out, we dont buy pricey clothes or drive fancy cars.My dh is never going to put just one of his kids in a private school while the others go to public school,he does not think it is fair or ok for one to get a so called better education while the others do without...we treat all the kids the same.We can not spend 30,000 plus a year for that.
She says she would "help a little" but she has lost 2 homes,filed bankruptcy (sp?) and lives in her parents yard in a garage apartment....
We pay all of our bills,pay our mortgage every month and I homeschool my son (because of med problems) and my dd4 will start school next year at a very good public school.She says if we care about his education we would do whatever it took .I care a great deal,I am the one that spent months getting him into the school he is in now,I go to parent/teacher meetings, I check his grades everyday on line..
I am sorry about venting so much but I just had to get it out!I love all my kids dss included but this is way overboard! We save every other year to take the kids to wdw for christmas (not presents that year) and sometimes a trip in between (we make payments until its paid in full) but that is the ONLY extras we have throughout the year.We also let them play a sport for which we pay for.I dont think not paying for a private school makes you a bad parent...DO YOU?My dh says it is a non issue because it will not happen (its his choice) but it just makes me mad that she would try to put us in this position.

 

[lillygator]

if she wants him to go to private school, she can foot the bill.

 

[PatsMom]

I have to agree with the PP. If only one parent wants private school, that is the parent who should pay for it.

 

[livie1205]

That is what my dh said also...its not as if he went to private school before...my dh now has 3 kids to think about not just the one and we try to make sure they are treated the same (if we can) but that is a big thing to only let one kid do.We also have a school fund for when he goes for college so we ARE doing as much as we can for all of them.

 

[okeydokey]

She can try to put you in that position, but she can't force it to happen. You know in your heart that you are doing all you can and doing a good job.

 

[TheWags]

The only way I would consider it is if he had educational needs that could not be met where he is. If all is well where he is, why upset things?

 

[livie1205]

He is a good student and gets good grades...I think she just wants to say her son goes to private school...I dont know.The hard truth for her is that we just can not do it...

 

[Motherofboys]

You don't need to feel bad about this, you are doing a good job.

If she just wants to be able to say that her son is in a private school, she can pay for it.

My response would be something like "thank you for your suggestion, we are confident that he is in a good school and doing well, however, if you want to find a private school for him and pay the tuition - we would consider it"

Don't feel bad that you can't give them everything, be thankful for all that you are able to give them

 

[bwilcox]

I'm a teacher, and IMO the one thing that will make the MOST difference in a child's education is not public or private school, but the amount of parent involvement. It sounds like you and DH have that one under control!
She's trying to lay a guilt trip on you-just brush it off and move on!

 

[iwrbnd]

What in the world does SHE pay for? I wouldn't even give this a second thought. If sending your child to private school is what makes you a good parent then there are a lot of bad parents out there! Me included!

Sounds like you are all doing a great job! Keep it up and don't let her opinion bohter you!

 

[61292cna]

He is a good student and gets good grades...I think she just wants to say her son goes to private school...I dont know.The hard truth for her is that we just can not do it...

While part of it may be this, I think it is mostly to tie up the money, so there is no more disney vacations or other goodies!!!

 

[kpgriswold]

She sounds like a nut case. If you are satisfied that DSS is getting a good education -- and I firmly believe that many public schools provide them! -- and if you are involved and active in his schooling and his life, then you have NOTHING to apologize for. Just tell her you can't do it.

If she presses for reasons, or suggests sacrifices you could make, let her know that she is free to take a 2nd job to raise the money. After she's got it all, you can discuss it.

 

[livie1205]

What in the world does SHE pay for? I wouldn't even give this a second thought. If sending your child to private school is what makes you a good parent then there are a lot of bad parents out there! Me included!

Sounds like you are all doing a great job! Keep it up and don't let her opinion bohter you!

ummm hardly nothing... We do not do extras through out the year but we make sure the kids have whatever they need and we take them on vacation because if we didnt they would not get to go....my ex is just as bad.

 

[rodeo65]

What is it with ex's trying to still control things?

I have a very good friend going through just the opposite situation. When she and her ex split, her lifestyle changed dramatically. Her DD was / is in private school because her ex likes to brag about it. He will not consider removing her even though it's his parents that are paying for it - he cannot afford it himself. He spends all of his money on the largest house he can find, is mortgaged up the wazoo and lives on banking overdraft. At least that's what he was doing in the years before their divorce and she sees no reason to think things are different now - he's of course always late and making excuses with support payments.

She has moved into a small townhouse in a neighborhood that she can afford, chosen for it's school district and would like DD to attend school with the kids she plays with around her house. As she says, her situation has changed and putting her in a school with kids that live a very different lifestyle is just not fair to her. He absolutely will not consider letting her switch and at the time of the divorce pushed and bullied my friend into keeping her there for "stability". Now, two years later she has established friendships and he uses that as the reason to keep her there. From my external view, he just wants to keep control.

OP - there is no reason whatsoever for you to feel anything other than proud of the way you are raising all of your children. Let her spin her wheels trying to convince your DH. He has his priorities straight, so no worries there.

 

[CrzyforPiglet]

Did she say why she wants to put your DSS in private school? That doesn't change my opinion but maybe she just needs to be heard or there is something going on that you're not aware of or she's just crazy If your DSS is in a good school then I see no reason to change that and I'm sure if he knew he'd have to leave his friends behind he'd agree. Employers care about what college you graduate from not high school so as long as he works hard and gets good grades he'll be better off in the long run. I have a friend in the DC area who could more than afford to send her son to private school but she would never consider it, she'd much rather save that money for retirement or college. I'd let your DH talk to her to let her at least have her say and then tell her NO!

 

[livie1205]

we were talking about high schools because we have 2 in our area we can pick from and she said "maybe I will put him in private school" she asked ME to look into it (of course,I do everything) and to let my dh know how much it is to see which one we can afford. I checked and told her the price and told her it would be 400 plus a month and she said if we all share the cost and if we can cut some things out like she did (hahaha) it IS doable! Well I know what we can do and that can not be done ...we have 3 kids not 1. so that will not happen.

 

[brockash]

if she wants him to go to private school, she can foot the bill.

Or she should at least be prepared to pay half. The bio mom is saying that she'd help a "little bit?" What the heck does that mean??? It shouldn't even be up for discussion until she's able to pay the $5000/year.

 

[livie1205]

Or she should at least be prepared to pay half. The bio mom is saying that she'd help a "little bit?" What the heck does that mean??? It shouldn't even be up for discussion until she's able to pay the $5000/year.

nope still cant...we have 3 school age kids and my dh will not put just 1 in private school....

 

[lillygator]

Or she should at least be prepared to pay half. The bio mom is saying that she'd help a "little bit?" What the heck does that mean??? It shouldn't even be up for discussion until she's able to pay the $5000/year.

if bio dad doesn't think he should go he should not have to provide half, just because his ex wants him to go. Does the ex have other kids as well? are they all going to be going to private school.

 

[livie1205]

if bio dad doesn't think he should go he should not have to provide half, just because his ex wants him to go. Does the ex have other kids as well? are they all going to be going to private school.

no she does not have anymore kids and is not married...already got remarried then divorced again.